The Good Word
With:
“Bowtie”
Stewy Lambert
My New Year, so far…
Hello my pets. Since this is the first installment of “The Good Word with ‘Bowtie’ Stewy Lambert,” I figured I would use this as an opportunity to tell you how my brand new year has been going. The year got off to a slow start, with only one major surgery as of February 17, 2003! Surprisingly enough, I have only been involved in one court case as well. So, thus far, things seem to be getting started nicely.
For the last three weeks of January and the first two weeks of February I was on vacation visiting relatives in my home town Johnsburough Townshippe. It’s also the hometown of that awful chain of eateries where the wait staff is always too enthusiastic to be working and the walls are covered in so much junk that the place looks like some packrat’s garage, you know, R. T. McPeanutbuttery’s Funtime Snackery and Family Fun Room Cafeteria. I stayed with my uncle Minate, Aunt Margerettine, my Grandmother Winifred and my cousin Gilbay. My cousin Gilbay is the coolest guy I’ve ever met. Me and Gilbay always have so much fun. A few days in particular stick out most. One time at the county fair we spent all our money shooting a water gun at little stuffed chickens trying to win a mirror with Garth Brook painted on it. After about three hours we finally won the mirror, then spent the rest of the afternoon huckin’ broken pieces of it at assorted heathens who were going into the Johnsburough Townshippe Planned Parenthood. On the way home we picked up a kid who was hitch hiking down on Route 507, by Rupert Magee’s live bait emporium. The kid wanted us to take him all the way to Prude, a small town just east of Chastity, but we had other plans. After heading south for about ten minutes, we pulled the truck over and parked on the old Jacobson street Bridge. All that was left to do was paint wings on the transient’s back with chunky peanut butter and throw him over the rails.
The next morning, after cooking breakfast for the family, (Gilbay often performs menial chores around the house for some Chicken Chew or Monkey Mash – personally I prefer Monkey Mash*) we enjoyed interesting conversations at the dining table and saw a news report about a woman finding the body of a young transient on the banks of the old Greenbrier River. Apparently the boy had been torn apart by wolves to the point that the police had to use dental records to identify the body. We shared a good laugh with the family after telling them about our involvement in the incident and then headed out for the annual Cow Milking Festival. Now you can call me “Bowtie,” and you can call me Stewy… just don’t call me late for a cow milking festival. Any who, on the way to the festival we stopped to pick up a couple of my cousin’s buddies. They were the brothers Bradley, Milton and Morton to be precise. We also picked up my cousin’s girlfriend Myselph, whom I soon found was in no mood for diarrhea jokes.
The festival was just grand! The mayor Gerald “Motimus” Motimar was there to name February 2nd annual cow milking day, even though that was already June 23rd. That crooked old police commissioner Jimbo “Biscuit Eater” McFlannahan was there with his wife Susan “Susan” McFlannahan, too! We saw many sideshows and tent shops, including a man in a three piece suit selling monkey makers. Half way through the freelance cow photography lessons Barton McBurton was giving behind the sausage on a stick stand, Myselph and I looked around and realized that Milton and Morton (the brothers Bradley) were nowhere to be seen. Soon after, I realized my cousin Gilbay wasn’t around either.
“Me thinks something fishy’s going on around here,” Myselph said, just before I punched her in the face and demanded an apology for the asinine comment. By the time I realized what I had just done, thirty seconds had passed and I no longer felt remorse. When we finally caught up with Milton and Morton they were in line in front of the Chicken Chew stand carrying on about how much they had heard about the “wonderful” new snack food. Being careful to wait until after they had purchased some Chicken Chew and tasted enough to know it was terrible, I said “personally, I prefer Monkey Mash.*”
One of the guys doing all the hootin’ and hollerin’ outside of the sideshow tents called out to the crowd that gathered ‘round, which consisted of me, Myselph, Gilbay, Milton and Morton, some blind woman and her stupid blind woman husband, and several children who were either mentally retarded or doing their best Matthew McConaughey impression. The carnie boasted such atrocities as The Bearded Woman, The Bearded Boy, The Bearded Dog and Rondell Sheridan’s ugly face (just another second rate Muppet man act.) However, when we entered the tent we were confronted by six large men with large clothes, as well as large guns. We were made to lay face down on old mattresses, while visions of sugarplums danced in our heads… and those guys stole our wallets. Man, I sure could use some sugarplums right about now. I guess they gave us the beatings we all deserved, though… because honestly, who the hell goes to a cow milking festival in February? Some cow milking jackass, that’s who.
Well, despite being robbed and beaten, it really was a great vacation. I learned a lot about myself, and I learned a lot about my cousin Gilbay, and I learned a lot about Myselph. Anywise, it was great but it wasn’t the best vacation I’ve ever had… I mean how could anything compare to the time my Father helped me kill three hundred Cambodian refugees is twenty three hours? Now that was a great vacation! So, aside from the beatings, I really enjoyed it… and besides, I know that as soon as the swelling goes down in my retinas, I’ll see those guys in hell. Along with Remo Williams, Sigourney Weaver, Slim Sam the Submarine Sandwich Man, Rosie O’Donnell, Anglo Saxton (the jazz trumpeter, not the race), Chief Sterns, the guy who wrote Turtles In Time, Whoopi Goldberg, Mase, P. Diddy, anyone who refers to themselves as a “Bad Boy,” people who dress their pets, that “ayyyy” guy from happy Days, the guy from Baywatch, Drew Barrymore, adult film star Brick Shaftling, the kid on the Dell computer commercials, Bill Gates, adult film star Meat Johnsonhammer, all film critics, all FM radio DJs, Justin Timberlake, The Fonz, Ted Danson, Slim Shady, that crazy Anne Heche, Woody Harrelson (the man, not the actor,) Shaquille O’Neal, Jerry Falwell, Jim Bakker, Charlton Heston, the creators of Survivor, Christina Aguilera, Queen Latifa, Henry Winkler, Magnum P.I., that dude from Knight Rider, the kids in Hanson, the masterminds behind The Spice Girls, Cher, Ted Turner, Sly Stallone, that creepy old guy who played the main character on Cheers, Donald Trump, Mike Tyson, David Hasselhoff, Steve Harvey, Cedric the “entertainer,” Larry King, Bono, the Edge, Jean Claude Van Damme, people who miss Cheers, Marion Barry, Brooke Shields, the loser who played Captain Kirk, L.L. Cool J., Mariah Carey, Raquel Welch, David Arquette, Kevin Bacon, Jon Bon Jovi, people who actually pay attention to what Jesse Jackson says, Shania Twain, Skeet Ulrich, the guys who think I’m not mentally or emotionally capable enough to drive and talk on my cell phone at the same time just because everyone they know is a mindless idiot, Oprah Winfrey, the scat man from Aerosmith known as Steven Tyler, R. Kelly, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Uma Thurman, Jesse Jackson, Lenny Kravitz, Will Wheaton, Lisa Kudrow, Spike Lee, the guy who counted down ‘til the bell rang in middle school, Russell Simmons, Sheryl Crow, Gloria Estefan, Melissa Etheridge, Rick Fox, Helen Hunt, Chaka Khan, each member of Styx, Barry Manilow, Bette Midler, anyone who thinks Coolio makes good music, Brittney Spears, Bruce Springsteen, Rod Stewart, Def Leopard: for keeping a drummer who lost an arm, Sting, Neve Campbell, those people who listen to “weird” Al Yankovic as if he were a real musician, Kevin Costner, Phil Collins, Tori Spelling, Kenny G, the adult film star Labia Minora, Patrick Swayze, Courtney Cox, James Lipton, Martha Stewart, Eric Roberts, Jesus, Liv Tyler, people who still listen to House Of Pain, Julia Roberts, the Olsen twins, post 1980 Liza Minnelli, cousin Larry Appleton, Tommy Lee, John Woo, whoever was responsible for the C and C music factory, Joan and Melissa Rivers individually and together, Kenneth Branagh, Jennifer Lopez, Nathan Lane, Sandra Bullock, Sarah Jessica Parker, Jim Morrison, Xuxa, Eminem, Jet Li, Andrew “Dice” Clay, Jim J. Bullock, that guy on the TV who boils difficult problems down to simple solutions to the point that they become all too easy for people to actually do… you know the one who looks like a Muppet and used to be on the Oprah show… Dr. Phil McGraw, Avril Lavigne, Robin Leech, Rick Dees, Vince Vaughn, anyone who drives one of those new Hummers, Sharon Stone, Jimmy Fallon, Downtown Julie Brown, Jewel, William Shatner, Ricky Martin, Jerry O’Connell, people who aren’t women or gay men but still like Jerry O’Connell, and all the other people who like Jerry O’Connell, Pamela Anderson, John Fogerty, Tina Fey, Jay Leno, Ron Jeremy, Tia Carrere, the adult film star Labia Majora, people who are stupid enough to want to actually fight someone because they won’t drive fifteen miles an hour over the speed limit, the guys who did that “doo doo bow bow… OH YEAH… chick, chicka chicka” song, Jonathan Lipnicki, Hugh Grant, Kid Rock, Aaliyah, Kate Moss, Fendelcomber’s Electronics: home of the Audio Invasion “A Whole New Experience,” Peabo Bryson, Anna Nicole Smith, Steven Seagal, Mindy Cohn, Scott Baio, Ted Kennedy, people who think teachers’ and sports figures’ salaries shouldn’t be switched, Gary Coleman, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, every last member of Oasis, Dave Navarro, Sonny Bono, Gallagher, people who don’t like Colin Quinn, Helbert Schmetzel’s Downtown Dinery: Home Of The Three Dollar Never Ending Bagel Bar, Hugh Hefner, Daisy Fuentes, Fiona Apple, children who don’t eat paste, Fred Durst, Will Smith, Lil’ Bow Wow, Courtney Love, absolutely Kathy Griffin, Tom Berenger, Calista Flockhart, Mos Def, the entire cast of Blossom, Paula Poundstone, Toni Braxton, Madonna, Jada Pinkett Smith, the adult film star Lips McCunnilingus, Ben Affleck, Beyonce Knowles and the rest of Destiny’s Child, Freddie Prinze Jr., Ben Stein, Marshall Mathers, the adult film star Fellatio Jones, Tim Allen, John Stamos, Carson Daly, Tori Amos, Michael Bolton, Vin Diesel, most Tori Amos fans, Jena Elfman, Joey Fatone, people who will only listen to industrial music and Vivica A. Fox.
*The usage of the product name MONKEY MASH in no way endorses this product, nor does it serve to defame the reputation of CHICKEN CHEW.
