The Greenfieldspanbergstein Gazette
By:
Hyman Greenfieldspanbergstein
The truth about Dr. Laura
An open letter to the listening public.
I was, at one point in time, an avid listener of the Dr. Laura Schlessinger program due to certain similarities we share. Not political or philosophical similarities; I just think we look a lot alike. I had called her show several times to ask her about the Jewish faith, I myself never having known the first thing about it. I know, I know… I look Jewish, right? Well I am definitely not, but don’t worry, I get that all the time. Perfect strangers come up to me on the street nearly every day asking me to circumcise their children and direct them to the nearest bagelry or delicatessen. I have gotten used to it. One time, just as a goof, I even attended a bris under the guise of a Rabi. To say the least, it wasn’t pretty.
So, like I was saying, I was once an admirer of the wonderful Dr. Laura, but now that I have personally experienced the true potency of her fervor for non-Jews, I have been swayed to believe she is just another feltch-monger like that damned Rush Flembaugh. It all started when she invited me to her home in the Hamptons (some of you loyal listeners may recall this on air invite from the September 20th, 2002 broadcast.) From the moment I showed up, she was slobbering drunk, falling down here and there, and throwing herself at me with reckless abandon. It was disgusting. She acted like her husband Bartholomew and children Montana and Skylark weren't even there. Never in my life have I been so humiliated.
After dinner, which consisted of cheetos, chocodiles, pumpernickel bread and three kinds of cheap citrus wine, we went to relax in the hot tub. Before I could even change into my bathing suit, she burst into the pool room, screaming obscenities at me like I was a dog. She told me I was too handsome to be hiding behind all those layers of winter clothes, and before I knew it she had her hand down the front of my pants. With a wine glass sloshing from side to side she breathed heavily in my ear, slurring her speech and telling me things like "now that's a handful of man I got me there!" Her breath stank of cigars and alcohol and her clothes reeked of cheap perfume. I tried to scream for help, but no one came to my aid. I was trapped in that pool room with her for what seamed like hours. She did things to me that normal people just don't think of. I couldn't get her to stop.
In the tradition of The Jeff Connection, and other fact-finding organizations like it, I am writing this column to expose the truth about the horribly monstrous perverts of our society. I am just writing this to tell you people the truth about Dr. Laura and to ask other victims of her clever rouse to join me in standing up against her. Together we can defeat her and show the world that you don't have to go half way around the world to the middle of the desert to find an evil bastard like Saddam Hussein, because the real face of Evil can be found right here in our homes, and on our radios and televisions in the form of Dr. Laura. Until next time, this is your loyal servant Hyman Greenfieldspanbergstein… signing off.
