Make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.
“….And because Jesus died on the cross he paid the sacrifice for everyone’s sins. Because Jesus died for us, we can be forgiven of our sins and become perfect in God’s eyes.
“To become forgiven, however, we must accept Jesus into our hearts, to let him start working in our lives, making us become better people.” John Warner paused, looking around the small hotel conference room filled with teenagers, all of whom were watching him intently.
“How many here have already accepted Christ?” He asked. Twenty or thirty people raised their hands into the air. “That’s great,” he said quietly. “Now, everyone please close your eyes.” The crowd complied. “I’m going to ask you some questions, and if you think ‘yes,’ please raise your hand. No one else will be able to see.
“How many of you were moved by my story tonight?”
Several people raised their hands.
“How many of you might consider accepting Christ into their lives?”
A few hands went up.
“All right, you can open your eyes again.” As people opened their eyes, a quiet murmur went through the group, as they asked their neighbors about their answers.
John waited until their attention was again focused on him. “If any of you are ready to make that decision tonight, raise your hand.” He locked eyes with a girl in the back, who had raised her hand for the two previous questions. She stared back at him nervously. After a moment, she slowly raised her hand in the air. She felt as if this was her call.
Smiling at the corners of his mouth, John’s eyes twinkled. “Would you come up here, please?” he asked softly.
The girl looked to the person next to her, who gave her an encouraging smile, and she slowly stood up and walked to the front of the room, facing John.
“What’s your name?” he asked, so quietly that only she could hear.
“Liz,” she replied timidly.
“Kneel with me, Liz.” John got down on both knees on the floor. Liz followed suit. “To accept Christ you must acknowledge that you are a sinner, and that you are willing to let the Lord take total control of your soul and teach you to live a dedicated, God-fearing life.
“Repeat after me,” John said.
He led Liz through a prayer of acceptance. When they were through he helped her stand up. The crowd clapped; Liz looked through misty eyes at John, who was shaking her hand. Liz went back to her seat, receiving a jovial embrace from the girl who sat next to her.
After being dismissed from the conference room, Liz followed her friend Nikki back to their hotel rooms. Nikki’s youth group leader came into the room and said exuberantly, “hug the new Christian!” When Liz pulled out of his hug tears streamed down her face. “Why did you decide to do that?” He asked Liz. "I don't know, I just...I didn't want to wait anymore, and it feels so good!"
Eighth grade was Liz Esperanza’s first year at Central High School in Colorado. Her family had moved over the summer from California. She was a simple girl, with long blond hair and cool green eyes. Liz loved to read; she was an excellent writer and very smart in school. She had even been moved up a grade.
It was at Central High School that Liz met her best friend, Nikki Renard. Becoming very close, Nikki eventually brought Liz to her church, and she ended up becoming a Christian at one of Nikki’s youth group’s weekend retreats.
However, there were several challenges waiting for Liz that would test her new-found faith; they were lurking right around the corner.
“Liz, dinner!” Liz’s mother poked her head through the computer room door.
“No thanks, Mom, I’m not hungry right now,” Liz replied, eyes not moving from the computer screen.
Hesitating, Liz’s mother said, “well…This is the third night you haven’t had dinner. You need to eat more.”
Liz turned around. “Mom, do you really think I’m not eating because I don’t want to eat? It’s not that… I’m just not hungry right now. If I get hungry, I’ll eat. Don’t worry.”
As Liz’s mom left, she shook her head. She wasn’t entirely convinced.
I love reading as well. The Lord of the Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien, is a series that I think is particularly good. There’s just so much culture there! Liz typed into a textbox and pressed enter. Her words appeared on a message board she had been visiting recently, ‘A Guild for Young Writers.’
She stayed at the computer until the shadows grew long and the sun started dipping below the snow-capped Rocky Mountains. Sighing, she went up to her room and started doing her homework. Night came, and Liz retired to bed.
On the kitchen counter sat her bowl of macaroni, completely untouched.
“Liz, dearie, you should really eat more…” Nikki said through a mouthful of ham sandwich. She watched Liz shuffle her lunch around on her plate, not having eaten more than a few bites.
“I’m not hungry,” Liz insisted. “I had a big breakfast.”
Nikki shrugged and stared off into space. The buzz of people in the cafeteria seemed to grow distant as she became lost in thought. Glancing at Liz, her face knotted with mild worry. For more than two weeks now, Liz hadn’t eaten lunch. Not eating is a sign of depression, a little voice inside Nikki’s head chimed. But no, she reassured herself. Liz has a good life. Good grades, nice parents, big house…
“…And I met her on that Writers’ Guild message board I’ve been going to. Hello, Nikki?”
Nikki was brought abruptly back to the present. “Beg pardon?”
Pained, Liz sighed, and started over. “I met a girl from Oregon on that Writers’ Guild message board I’ve been going to. Her name is Erica. She’s cool; she likes J.R.R. Tolkien too.”
“Neat,” Nikki said, finishing off the last of her sandwich and standing up to throw her paper lunch bag away. “Hey,” Nikki said when she came back, “can you stay the night at my house on Saturday?”
“Sure!” Liz said, “I just have to ask my mom.”
“Okay.”
Bong! Bong!
With the bell, Liz and Nikki said their goodbyes, and walked their separate ways to their fourth period classes, each left with their own thoughts.
When Saturday rolled around two days later, Liz and Nikki spent the afternoon writing a fantasy story based off of The Lord of the Ring’s Trilogy to try and publish on the Writers’ Guild.
Liz opened up the website, “A Guild for Young Writers” appearing at the top in big, bold letters.
“See, submissions, right here.” Liz clicked on a link, and they emailed their story to the website for review.
“Do you want to see if Erica has posted anything on the message board today?” Liz asked, already clicking on the message board icon.
“Okay,” Nikki said, reading over Liz’s shoulder.
Liz— Wow! You’re one of few people I’ve met that actually likes school and looks forward to going every day. Your school sounds really nice. We have six periods as well, but we don’t get to choose our electives yet. Anyway, it is, as always, a pleasure to talk to you. Ttyl,-Erica
Nikki nodded approvingly.
“She really is one of the coolest people I’ve met,” Liz went on. “We have a lot in common. I’d like to get to know her better.”
“Mmm.”
The next couple hours before bed were spent reading other teens’ published works on the Writers’ Guild website. It was Nikki who called the night quits.
“We should go to bed… we have church tomorrow.”
Liz looked at the clock and rolled her eyes at Nikki. “It’s only midnight,” she said.
“Yeah, but you’ll be tired. Trust me.”
“All right, if you say so…”
Several hours later, Nikki awoke in the darkness. Blinking, she sat up, put her glasses on, and looked at her alarm clock. Three AM. What the heck? She looked at Liz’s dark outline on the floor. Her body was shuddering, and Nikki could hear the sound of muffled sobs.
Nikki sat still, not sure what to do. Finally she lied back down, taking her glasses off and returning to sleep, thinking that she would confront Liz about what was wrong in the morning.
Waking up much too late, Liz and Nikki rushed through their morning, running out the door and into Nikki’s parents’ car. On the way to church, Nikki looked at Liz. She seemed fine enough now.
Alone in her computer room, Liz sat deep in discussion with Erica on one of the Guild’s chatrooms.
“Yeah, I’ve always gotten straight A’s in school.” Liz typed.
“I’ve pretty much been an A-B student all my life, but I’ve always loved to read and write,” Erica replied.
“I never had to work for any of it, though. I barely study, and I know I don’t spend as much time on my homework as everyone else does, and yet I get better grades than they do. I’m a year younger than them, too.”
“I don’t really study that often, either.” Erica said, somewhat consolingly. “Some of us are just born with that gift, you know?”
“Yeah, I know.” Liz typed back. She sighed. “I should go,” she typed. “We both have school tomorrow, and you need your rest.”
“Alright. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Bye.”
“Bye,” Liz typed, and left the chatroom. She walked with heavy steps up the stairs to her room, and she closed the door. She flopped onto her bed, hands holding up her head, and she thought. Why do I have everything that I do? she thought, her eyes like the stormy ocean. I don’t deserve any of what I’ve been given. I haven’t earned it.
She sat on her bed, her thoughts sending her in a downward spiral. She shut her eyes tight, letting the tears squeeze themselves out. How many nights have been like this? She thought. There was no reason for her to be in this much pain. I must be weak, she thought. Otherwise this wouldn’t hurt me so much. Looking to the heavens, she whispered, “God, where are you? I need your help.”
Waiting for some kind of answer, some kind of instant deliverance from her pain, Liz sat. And her pain thrived. When she became drunk with it, she staggered across the room to her desk.
Opening the drawer, she found what she had been looking for. A safety pin. She pulled up her shirt sleeves to reveal fingernail markings on her arms. As she looked at them she felt guilty… but it was about the only thing that helped ease her pain, aside from talking to Erica.
Liz looked at the safety pin once more and held her breath. Was she really that bad off that she had to actually pierce her skin? I guess there’s only one way to find out.
Turning her head away, Liz pushed the pin down. She felt it break the surface of her flesh and travel down. Not too far down. Somehow, the pain in her arm helped make the pain in her heart go away. She did it once more before sighing contently and going back to bed.
Greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
Morning sunlight spilled through the blinds, bathing Liz’s face in warmth. She slowly opened her eyes, stretching and yawning. Standing up and looking out her window, Liz was greeted by a sunny, crisp autumn morning, one year later.
Deciding to take advantage of a Monday without school, Liz asked her mom over breakfast if she could go out to a movie with some friends.
“All right. You guys coordinate it, and I’ll take everyone there.”
Thanking her mother, Liz ran up the stairs, a smile on her face. She picked up the phone and dialed Nikki’s number.
“Hello, Renard residence.”
“Hello, Nikki?”
“Oh, hi.”
“Do you want to go see a movie today with Julie and Jessica?”
“Sure… what time?”
“Probably around one-ish.”
“Okay, call me before you pick me up.”
“Okay. Bye”
“Bye.” Liz hung up, and called Julie and Jessica, two friends she had made. They agreed to go, and the time was set.
Liz was a very different person than the Liz from a little less than a year ago. It had taken work, but she had pulled herself out of her depression with the help of Erica, now one of her best friends. She had also not gotten addicted to poking herself with pins, so she was free of that now.
Being driven to the movie with the three people that she most wanted to spend her time with, Liz smiled to herself, and felt as if the Lord was in turn smiling down on her.
For Liz, life went on. And it was filled with school and friends, homework and reading and writing. As the calendar flipped to November, her old feelings of depression started coming back. And as the days turned into weeks, and the weeks progressed, those feelings became worse.
You’re just going to hurt your friends.
Liz jumped. What?
Don’t play stupid. You’re going to push your friends away, and they will hate you.
No they won’t, Liz thought. And she pushed the voice back into the edge of her mind.
Liz went through the rest of the day in a sort of stupor; monotonously. It felt like a war was waging inside of her. The part that was Liz was fighting desperately to keep the destructive part of herself under control. Twice during the day she totally spaced out when a teacher asked her a question, and she had to ask them to repeat it.
When she got home she collapsed in front of her computer and talked to Nikki and Erica for a few hours, calming herself down.
Liz hummed quietly to herself as she stepped into the shower. Turning the water on, she let her long blond hair soak for a few moments, before lathering it with shampoo and rinsing it all out. She picked up the bar soap and her razor, and bent to start shaving her legs. She paused with the razor a couple of inches from her skin.
Do it.
No! Liz thought. I won’t. I won’t give into the temptation.
Yes. Do it now. It will make everything better. Don’t worry. It will help you.
Suddenly Liz felt very calm. It was as if the fighting inside her body had stopped. This part of her had won. And it was okay. It would be okay.
Liz turned the water off, and stepped out of the shower. Grabbing a towel, she started drying herself off. She bent to dry her hair, and it stung. She winced, and looked at her left forearm. Right below the elbow joint was a clean cut, shiny and puffy red at the edges. With her finger she took a bit of the blood on it and held it before her face. She grabbed a tissue and cleaned the cut up, and got dressed.
When she became depressed, Liz would cut herself. It seemed to take the pain that was inside her to the outside where she could deal with it. It satisfied her, to see the blood come out. It seemed to cleanse her.
She began to depend on it. She began to cut more and more often. She started wearing long sleeved shirts and wrist bands to hide the cuts.
“Nikki… I need to show you something,” Liz led Nikki through the church into a small room that they had to themselves. Liz turned the lights off.
"Give me your hand."
"No," Nikki said, sensing something wrong was happening.
"Please," Liz begged. "I won't hurt you."
"No!" Nikki said again, desperate. "I don't want to."
"Nikki...please?"
Nikki reluctantly held out her hand, and Liz took it. She rolled up her sleeve, and ran Nikki’s fingers over the cuts.
There was a long silence, and Nikki took her hand back.
The night was a quiet, peaceful one. The winter air was still outside, and a half-moon was reflected through the window onto Liz’s wall.
She opened her eyes, but didn’t see anything. She closed them again. Open. Close. Open. Rubbing her eyes frantically, her room started coming into focus. Liz sat up. Staring towards the opposite wall, Liz’s eyes widened. The wall was shining red. Dripping from the ceiling down the wall was… blood. Liz sat stiff, stricken with a quiet terror. She turned around. Each wall was dripping. Each wall glistened red in the moonlight. Blood seemed to seep up through the floor. In her head, she heard voices. Quietly at first, but they got louder. And louder.
Mercy!
Mercy!
Save us!
Liz covered her ears with her hands. The voices were screaming now.
Liz looked up. A puddle of blood was forming over her head. As it gained weight, it dropped.
Liz screamed, but no noise came out.
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent. Seeing the blood on the walls and hearing the voices really shook Liz up. The next day she went to her friend Julie, and told her everything. Julie reassured her, and offered her help in any way she could give it.
Liz was heartened by Julie’s words. She knew that she had to tell Erica and Jessica.
Erica seemed to take it all in. She asked a few thought-provoking questions, and stayed very calm. Liz was relieved; she had worried that Erica would be hurt by it; indeed, Erica took it so well that it almost seemed as if she already knew. She gave Liz words of encouragement, and told her that she would always be ready and waiting if Liz needed any help.
Jessica didn’t take the news as well. She was distant, and when Liz hung up the phone, she knew that she had hurt Jessica. Later she cut herself in punishment.
Since Liz had told her friends, they had started helping her. Even Erica, far off in Oregon, did her share. They let Liz lean on them until it was obvious that they were straining themselves.
Liz’s grades had long-since started dropping. She could live with that. But once Jessica, Nikki, and Julie’s grades started dropping… and Jessica and Julie started getting burned out, and Nikki became withdrawn and isolated… Liz couldn’t handle it anymore.
She never felt good anymore, never felt happy. Only while she was cutting did she feel happy. What sort of life was that? Liz decided that she didn’t want that kind of life anymore. Heck, I don’t know if I even want life anymore, she thought. All it does is hurt me, and hurt my friends. They would all be so happy if it weren’t for me.
Liz entertained thoughts of suicide; she counted every pill in the medicine cabinet; she hid a knife in her room.
Gradually Julie became more aware of how serious the situation was getting. She called Jessica. They decided that they had to tell Liz’s parents what was going on… for her own safety.
Julie and Jessica approached Jessica’s mother and told her what was going on. She was concerned for her own daughter’s well-being as well as Liz’s, so Jessica’s mother confronted Liz’s mother about the situation.
When Liz found out that her parents knew, she was furious. She felt betrayed, helpless, untrustworthy. She wouldn’t speak to Julie or Jessica for a week.
Liz’s mother got more and more worried about Liz. She finally took her in to see a doctor to see if she had depression. The results: affirmative. Liz Esperanza was diagnosed as having depression with psychotic features. She was put on antidepressants and medication to help get rid of the voices. The medications made Liz gain thirty to forty pounds in an extremely short period of time. Yet another blow to her self-esteem and self-worth.
However, the meds still helped, but nothing could take away the pain Liz had caused herself, her friends, and her family.
“Hello?”
It was Jessica. Erica sat back down on her bed, sensing that something wasn’t right.
“I have something to tell you, Erica,” she began, her voice quivery. “Last night, Liz…”
Erica gasped. No way… she couldn’t’ve… could she?
“Is it… did she…?” Erica managed into the phone.
“No, no, she didn’t. But almost.”
Erica felt as if she’d had the wind knocked out of her.
“We went to the school play last night, Liz, Julie, Nikki and me. And we were talking about what we wanted to do the next day. Julie suggested that I stay the night at her house that night and that everyone else come over the next day.
“Nikki said that that would be fine, and so Julie looked at Liz and said, ‘what time do you think you’ll wake up tomorrow?’ And Julie said that there was this look in Liz’s eyes… she wasn’t planning on waking up tomorrow.” Jessica’s voice broke. She paused a moment to collect herself. “And when the play was over Liz went out ahead of us, and Julie, Nikki, and I caught up with her. And we were standing outside… and I couldn’t help it. I started crying. I know we all promised to be strong around her, but I couldn’t help it. I just said, ‘but we haven’t gone skiing together yet! We said we’d all go skiing together someday. And—and—you wanted to see the Lord of the Rings movies!—and—Erica, what about Erica? She was going to come and visit this summer!
“Oh, Liz, why!’ And we both started crying and she started talking about how much happier we would all be without her, and I just said ‘no! We wouldn’t be!’ and I think she saw the hurt in my eyes, because she was quiet.
“I think it surprised her, how hurt I looked.
“So Julie called her mom and Nikki’s mom, and then Liz’s mom, and we arranged to all go over to Liz’s house for the night. When we got there, Liz went right to sleep. Nikki found a bottle of IB Profin under her bed.”
Jessica sighed deeply. “I just got back from her house.”
The three weeks in the hospital were the longest three weeks of Liz’s life. Jessica, Julie, and Nikki were allowed to come and have lunch with her sometimes, but other than that, Liz was all alone, with only her thoughts and her medication to keep her company. In those lonely hours she felt as if she was in the pit of the abyss. With nothing to take her anger out on, she raised her fist at the heavens. Why did God do this to me? She thought. If He really loved me He wouldn’t have allowed this to happen.
Stewing over it day after day, Liz came to the conclusion that God had betrayed her, that he had rejected her. He’s supposed to be a loving, caring God,How can this be showing He cares?
By the time she got released from the hospital, it was already nearly summer. Her freshman year was in shambles. She had missed so much school that she should have retaken the year; but her parents were able to waive it and she was allowed to move on to her sophomore year. She dropped all but her required classes and finished her freshman year, along with Nikki, Julie, and Jessica.
Her new medication did a good job of controlling her depression, but her addiction to cutting still remained.
Julie sighed. She still beat herself up about not having been able to help Liz more. She wondered how disappointed in herself she would be if this person who had never even seen Liz before was able to help her more than all three of them could.
The four of them stood up, watching for Erica.
Liz stood on tip-toes. She saw her first. Waving to her, Erica saw and made her way toward them.
Standing staring at this person who had helped her so much, Liz didn’t know quite what to do. Erica was standing there with a stupid, happy smile on her face. Liz came forward and embraced her, Erica returning the embrace. Erica went on down the line, hugging first Nikki, then Jessica. She paused at Julie and shook her hand—for they did not know each other as well. Getting Erica’s luggage, Liz’s father took them all back to Liz’s house.
The next two weeks of Erica’s visit passed in a blur. One night Erica sat down with Liz after the others had gone to sleep.
“Do you want to get over your addiction?” Erica asked, the question an innocent one.
“Yes, I do, I really do,” Liz answered.
“Well, we’re going to have to figure out how you can do this. You can’t just stop cutting cold turkey. That is an extremely unfair option.” Liz looked relieved. “What percentage of smokers or, say, drug users are able just to quit cold turkey? They have things like Nicorette, don’t they? Well, maybe a stagger system like that would work for you.”
Liz considered it. “I think something like that would work.”
Erica smiled. “Okay. Well, here’s what I propose you do. When I leave, you will have gone two weeks without cutting. If you make it another week, that’s where we’ll start. Then you can go four weeks without cutting. Then five. You see? We’ll train your body to not need to cut.”
Liz nodded.
“We can put it on a calendar. Now, I’m not saying it will be easy. Quite the contrary. But you’re going to have to go through this with the end goal in mind. There will be times where you’ll want to cut more than anything—but you can’t. If you agree to this, then you have to stick by it.”
Liz nodded again. “I want to do this. I’m ready to stop cutting.”
Erica smiled the smile of the genuinely happy. She hugged Liz, they shook on it, and they went to bed.
She tried to explain why man suffers. “We suffer so that in suffering God can teach us about what’s more important—so that he can teach us to become stronger. Haven’t you become stronger since this started?”
Liz thought. “Yes. I have become much stronger. I can tolerate things that most people can’t.”
“God will never leave you,” Erica went on. “It says in Deuteronomy 31:8, as Nikki is so fond of quoting, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
“It’s hard,” Liz whispered.
“I know.”
When even the mice had gone to sleep, Liz and Erica were finally wrapping up their long talk.
“Thank you, Erica,” Liz said.
“Anytime.”
“You know… that’s what you have to do.”
“Mmm?” Erica questioned with her eyebrows.
“I mean, one thing that I’ve never liked about Christians is how they think that they’re all high-and-mighty and feel like they have to convert everybody they see on the streets. But you can’t just walk up to somebody and try to convert them. It just doesn’t work like that. You have to really get to know them first, have to care for them on a personal level, like you do. Then it works. You’ve really helped enlighten me tonight. It was a revelation, I guess, the way it was the first time. Thank you.”
Erica bowed her head. “Will you think about it?”
“I’ll think about it,” Liz promised.
The first e-mail of the new year. I said that last year, too. I don't really see the deal about a new year...it's "04" now is all. But what I do see is a new chance. We can use anything like this to our advantage. Any little change in our lives can be a stepping stone to something better, greater.
Ah, I was expecting to make this short and sweet, but I'm already well forgone.
Liz hated the voice inside her head, which she referred to as “Her.” She hated being depressed all the time and she didn’t like her dependence on cutting. But she felt like she was powerless to stop it. And she enjoyed it and needed it.
Erica lay on her bed, reading the latest book in the Ender’s Game series, when the phone rang. She hopped off her bed and answered it.
Erica sat on her bed, completely stunned. She prayed that God would help Liz, help her overcome her sickness. Tears rolled down her face. How could someone so far away make her hurt so much?
The incident at the school play was the last straw for Liz’s parents, who were really starting to fear for her life. Against Liz’s wishes, she was put in the hospital on suicide watch.
Julie sat chattering aimlessly with Nikki at the airport, watching Liz and Jessica talk a few feet away. Julie sighed, looking at Nikki with exhausted eyes. Nikki’s eyes had the same look. It had been the most trying year of their lives. They were mentally tired, and very glad that the school year was over. They all hoped that Erica’s visit would help the situation, and they all dreamed that maybe Erica would be able to fix what they themselves could not.
A stream of people started coming into baggage claim. Julie looked up at the reader board: Erica’s flight was in.
A few nights later Erica confronted Liz on the issue of God. They talked for a couple hours, Erica trying her best to help Liz come back to God.
Liz Esperanza continued to improve during her sophomore year. While she regressed a bit, she has moved mountains as far as fighting her depression and getting rid of her addiction. As we speak, she has gone more than two and a half months without cutting, and has accepted God back into her life. She has more than atoned for her actions.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.
From:
To:
Sent: Wednesday, December 31, 2003 11:31 PM
Subject: Happy New Year!
And now I sound like Erica. ;-);-)
I made Let It Be the first song of the year. It doesn't embody bad times to me, but hope. And I have so much hope for this year. So much has changed, but not everything.
I am still Liz, and you all are still Julie, Erica, Nikki, Jessica, however much has happened to us.
And I still love you all.
Be well, dearies. And as Julie has said so many times to me, don't make it bad. Things can always get better. And they are. They have been. They will be.
I have confidence in our strength, individually and together. We've all proven it many times over, whether in the past year or in years past.
I've taken a lot out already, in the hope of getting just the most important thoughts down. So I'll allow myself one last (silly) thought:
Isn't the wallpaper purty?
~Your very own Lizzy