The Reason

Duo strained the wrench pulling with most of his weight.  “Come on ‘Scythe; give me a break for once.  Howard’s not here to help me out on this time.  Come on, come on…”

The metal giant, as if hearing him, suddenly let loose of the bolt Duo was working on.  Duo’s own force threw him off balance and for one panicked moment he flayed wildly to regain said balance.  Duo cursed lividly as knuckles scrapped painfully against his Gundam as he swung back with his weight in a bizarre move that he could only have picked up from an old 90’s comic.  Yet, his tight grip was enough so that he was no longer in any danger of falling.

Wind blew against his nerve wracked body smelling of oil and metal.  Duo shifted enough to glare accusingly at the loose bolt.  The bolt failed to be impressed with the rather impressive glare he had worked up.  Duo sighed and ducked his head against his Gundam, his own harsh breaths echoing in his ears.

The culmination of the day and the reflection of past days like this made the term off-balance laudable.  As if the whole world and Father Maxwell’s God found irony to be best placed within his life.  Father Maxwell…

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 “What are you doing out here Duo?”  The priest settled down next to the silent boy, pulling his cross out into the light at the same time.  The boy barely glanced up at the parish priest.

“Nothin’.”

“Now, it doesn’t look like nothing, my son.  It looks like you’re having quite a bit of fun staring at the weeds in the sidewalk.”  The priest answered in all seriousness.

 Duo shrugged at the man.  Violet eyes peered up through unruly bangs.  “They looked lonely.”

Father Maxwell gave a surprised chuckle.  “Come on in Duo.  I’m a bit lonely tonight too.  You can keep me company.”

Violet eyes jumped up and smiled jubilantly.  The boy’s voice was modest to his face’s obvious jubilance.  “Are ya’ sure?”

“I’m sure.”

Together they stood and walked away from the simulated sunset into the stone walls of the church. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 “Hey Duo, Trowa made lunch.  It’s on the counter.”  Quatre smiled winningly at his even partner.

Duo smiled in turn; he couldn’t help it.  Quatre’s happiness was always so apparent.  “I’m not really that hungry Q-man, but tell Tro thanks for me.”

Quatre frowned and it was as if the sun saw its first Eclipse.  “But you didn’t eat breakfast.”

Duo sighed internally, knowing he would have to do better at hiding his habits from Quatre.  He threw his mask on and smiled hugely at his friend.  “Wow, man, I forgot!  Thanks Q!”

Duo ate the sandwich placed out for him, but the entire thing tasting like nothing.  His stomach rebelled and he shushed it with the knowledge that the food would not stay long.  He could never keep anything down when he was like this, especially on this day.  This day that was a remembrance of the pain on more than that one incident.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The boy stared in disbelief at his home, the only home he ever had.  Numbly his legs went out beneath him and he feel to the ground still staring at the carnage.  Twisted girders stood in silent testimony to the once sturdy church.  Crushed and seared stone littered the area surrounding what used to be a place of happiness, of belonging.  Tears welled up in violet eyes and trickled down dirt smeared cheeks.

A wordless sound of agony was whipped from a body far too young.  The colony faulty control panels choose that instant to let loose a downpour.  The boy ignored the normally life precious moisture as he rocked back and forth on the destroyed and deserted street.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Wufei and Trowa watched Duo from their usual distance.  Wufei sat cross legged on the wide window sill, while Trowa perched on the edge of couch arm.  Wufei and Trowa put on the appearance of watching the news feed.  Wufei saw the brief flicker of grief before the familiar mask slammed into place.  Wufei frowned slightly, curling his body at the same time to better watch the first pilot to reach out to him.

Trowa sprawled ostentatiously on the couch opposite of Wufei’s armchair, but he too saw the brief agony on his comrade’s face.  The European frowned almost imperceptibly.  Something was off about his fellow pilot.  Trowa wracked his brain on reasons why the normally cheerful pilot of Deathscythe could be so overwrought.   The lanky pilot couldn’t recall any recent incidences that stood out in his mind, nor could he remember Quatre mentioning his space heart feeling anything. 

Both pilots looked up as Heero entered the room from the kitchen.  He had an oil smudge on one cheek from working on his Gundam, but his eyes immediately went to his partner.  Prussian eyes frowned and looked up at the two other odd pilots.  They both told Heero in their silent secret code that they had no idea what was wrong with his partner.  Heero’s eyes flickered back towards the kitchen and Trowa frowned.  Heero picked up that Quatre didn’t know what was wrong either. 

The Wing pilot looked back to his partner, and his eyes softened slightly before hardening once more.  Duo didn’t notice the silent difference as he tackled the silent pilot, but the other two did.  They both raised eyebrows at each other and shrugged.  It didn’t matter any more; Heero would take care of his partner like usual.

Heero swiftly untangled himself from the American’s grasp before scooting off to his laptop.  Duo scowled at his partner, before sighing internally.  No reason for him to hang around either, I suppose.

Heero stalked off into the small office, the only place available to uplink with his laptop, to do some serious digging.  Whatever was bothering his partner would be found out.  Yet even the perfect solider forgot the easiest way to find out information…asking for it.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

'When did it start? I can barely remember a time that it didn’t exist.   I figure it just happened, but even I know that's close to impossible. Yet, I love that cold and hardened solider with all my heart. That's the problem. If I don't tell him what I feel my heart will break, and if I do tell him to prevent it from breaking, I'm sure that he would be happy to break it for me..'

Duo looked at his reflection and ran his fingers through the end of his braid. He smiled cheekily, but then frowned. I'm by myself. No need for the smile.  Duo turned away from his reflection, ruffling his bangs slightly as he thought. What would the other pilots think of me if they knew my feelings towards Heero? Well, first, they'd laugh and then Heero would try and kill me like he’s been promising for so long.

He shook his head.  Not like I wouldn't welcome the attention. It's not like he ever talks to me unless he has too. At the most, we are very good partners. At the least, I'm a necessary distraction to complete the mission.

Duo sniffed slightly struggling to control his emotions, 'Shinigami doesn't cry, so I won't let it go. Heero, why can't you see how much I care?'  Not Duo enough.  Come one, would he ever say something so…sappy?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Quatre looked around the cramped living room where Wufei and Trowa were still watching the news feed. "Where’s Duo?"

"He went to his room a little while ago." Wufei answered barely looking up.

Quatre looked uncertain as he gazed down at the barely nibbled sandwich he found on the dining room table.  The blonde nibbled on his bottom lip worriedly.  "It's not like Duo to not finish a meal. Should I see if he still wants it?"

"No, I think he needs some time to himself," Trowa answered placidly.

Quatre huffed and sat down in his chair hard with a pout evident on his face. He crossed his arms and took on the appearance of an upset little child. Wufei raised an eyebrow as he tried to keep a slight smile from forming on his face.

"Still, I agree with Quatre. Something is wrong with Duo," Trowa said turning towards the two pilots.  Quatre perked up beaming with the attention from Trowa. Trowa didn't seem to notice, not like that ever stopped Quatre from hoping.

"I'll go see what is wrong with that baka," Heero said from the small office.  Quatre jumped.  He hadn’t realized that Heero was listening to their conversation.  He gave himself a silent scolding, but still managed to smile at Heero encouragingly as he left to talk to Duo.  Quatre had no way of knowing that Heero was also silently berating himself for not asking Duo what was wrong in the first place.

Wufei raised an eyebrow before turning back to the feed.  "I believe that you owe me something, Trowa."

Trowa frowned slightly. "Not until he finishes it, Wufei."

"Wait a minute, what are you two talking about?" Quatre asked looking back and forth between the two odd pilots.

Wufei snorted, "Perhaps the cure to having the old hyper Duo back.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Duo looked out the window silently. The stars winked and sparkled, promising always to be there. Duo allowed a ghost of a smile to perk through his mournful face. I'm always alone aren't I? Always, will I be Shinigami. Nothing can stay with me for long. I kill everything I touch.

Heero leaned against the door frame silently wishing he could help the braided pilot. But what could a perfect solider do to aide his partner? Duo shifted his weight suddenly and Heero stiffened.

"Heero?"

"Hn?"

"What are you doing standing there?" Duo's wide eyes blinked.  Heero found himself swimming in violets, twirling around and around in a helpless dance. That stupid baka had no idea what was going on.

"The others want to know what’s wrong with you lately."

Duo shrugged and turned away, "Nothing."

"Hn.”

"Do you know what today is?" Duo asked suddenly.

Heero thought for a few minutes before shaking his head slightly. Duo sighed.  "Never mind then."

"Fine, if that’s the way you’re going to be.  You still need to get your butt downstairs and finish eating."

"What’s with everyone and my eating habits lately?  I’ve skipped meals before!  I'm not hungry tonight Heero."  Duo scowled at his partner beneath chestnut bangs.

"Fine," Heero growled stalking out of the room.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

How could I have been so stupid? Why would he have the slightest idea what today means to me.  It has so much meaning, so much pain. But does he care? That stupid cold hearted bastard, he has no idea how much I care. What must I do to make him realize?

Damn it, look at me. I'm disgracing their memory on this day by thinking of another man! Shit, when did everything get so confusing? When did everything get so fucked up? Correction, when did I get so fucked up? I love a boy for GODS SAKE! IS THERE NO MERCY IN THIS WORLD?

Stupid question, I already know that there isn't any. But is there? Maybe they showed me something after all. They showed me that there are people out there that actually care. They tried to show me that there is a God. I know there is a god. I've seen him. I am him. There is a Shinigami.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Heero growled low in his throat and made his way around the other pilots. He didn't want their attention.

"Hey Heero!"  Damn it Quatre, must you be so observant?

"Hn."

"What's wrong with Duo?"

Heero sighed and walked back into the small office.  “I don’t know.” Quatre frowned, muttering to himself as he sank lower in his seat. This was sure to be a boring night without Duo around.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

What had he said? ‘Do you know what day it is today?’  Baka, he's not giving me any clues to why he's hurting. Maybe there was something to that braided pilot that I haven't realized was there. I must find out what is bothering him so much.

Heero tapped on his laptop's keyboard with military efficiency. The monitor lit up with quick fire events and news-articles. They paused on one specific article.

Heero stiffened and lip read the title, “The Maxwell Church Massacre.”

He frowned slightly and turned off the computer leaving the perfect solider in all surrounding darkness.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Heero, his name runs off my lips like a prayer. Exactly like a prayer. He’s unobtainable from all, a distant fragment of imagination, of desire. Yet, "The Perfect Solider" does not fall in love. Why do I bother with this hopeless wish? It's not like he cares.

But no matter what I do I can't get his image from my head. It’s the first thing I see as I awake and the last thing I long for as I fall asleep. Heero, why can't you care for something, someone…me?

What must I do?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Baka, baka, baka. Why didn't he tell me?

Stupid of me to assume that he would.  Why should he? It’s not like I actually gave him the reason to think that I might actually care.

Duo, my Duo, why must you continue to hide behind that smile of yours? Simple, the same reason why I hide beneath my mask. Because we can't handle our own emotions.  Damn this war for making us hide from the only ones that would ever understand us.  Damn them all.

What can I do to ease your pain? Please don't hide anymore. I can't bear to see you in pain.

Hn, it looks as though my perfect mask has a crack in it. It’s a pity that I no longer care. 

I'll show you how much I care. Then Duo, you'll be mine. You won't belong to something that happened in the past, you'll belong to me and me alone. Just accept me Duo, and I will do anything for you.

Shinigami, you are not. You are life, and I am death. We take on each others true roles, but no longer. I'll show you the true me if you show me the true you. Duo, this is your chance, please don't fail me.

Heero left the small office with little noise. It was time to see Duo and fix the wounds that were hidden so well.