Watch Out, I'm Polish

The patriotism sends a tear down my eye.

Now I can't speak Polish, and I've never even seen Poland. In fact, I'm Canadian and only 1/4 Polish. However, that small quarter has designated me "the class Pole," and as a result, I have developed a strange feeling of Polish pride. I'm sick of everyone assuming we're a crappy country, so here's a list of why Poland > you. I mean, if a Pole could write such a great website, how can they go wrong?

  • Even in the 1500's, we had a Parliamentary system and basic freedoms, and we had the very first constitution in all of Europe. Our country has been called "The Nation of the Free People." Suck on that, America.
  • Poland values its freedoms so much, we've revolted against anyone and everyone. The aristocracy, the Nazis, the commies...all the classic evils, we'll take 'em on.
  • Uh...we invented polka.
  • That Chopin guy was Polish too.
  • We refused to enter the Crusades just because we thought the Catholic Church would ban our precious beer.
  • We figured out that the earth revolves around the sun, and that uranium will kill you. As you can see, we're masters of obvious conclusions.
  • University is free!
  • We invented windshield wipers. Next time you're in the rain, think "Where would I be without Poland?"
  • We also discovered petroleum. When you're in your car with the windshield wipers on, you'll have to thank Poland twice.
  • Our temperate climate owns all.
  • We have a psychotic underground black metal scene. In fact, at one show, everyone participated in a giant blood bath. The police were afraid to shut it down because Polish goths are threatening. At another show, a lamb got sacrificed on stage. One of the most popular black metal band's frontman got sentenced to life in prison for shooting at a church. Yes, shooting at a church.
  • NO ONE HAS ANY IDEA WHERE THE NAME "POLAND" CAME FROM. Yet we love to make random guesses.
  • During the Inquisition, we let religious non-conformists have refuge. We're regarded as one of the most religiously tolerant countries in the world.
  • At one point, it was considered a mark of nobility to be Polish. It still practically is today; we're so great.
  • We've currently got one of the best economies in Europe. Maybe we'll go beat up France.
  • Our military salute is done with two fingers, to honour some soldier who got half his hand blown off. Awesome.
  • We've forged "special friendship" pacts with Lithuania and Ukraine. Rrrawr.
  • We have 9 days off in May to honour the fact that we got rid of the commies. Suckers.

    You know what? I'm done. I'm tired of reading about Poland. All that ever happens is that they get conquered a lot! But you know what? Poland is way better than any of you other shoddy Eastern European countries, and you know it.

    Plus...um...at least we're not internationally known for McDonald's or Microsoft or...preps! Yeah! You know it! I'd rather be known for being some crappy country that keeps getting conquered by Russia and Germany than be internationally hated! I mean, no one's afraid of the Polish. You meet a Pole, you smile sympathetically, give them a pat on the head, and send them on their way. You don't want to knee them in the groin or rant at them about their shoddy foreign policies. We don't even have a foreign policy!

    Man, I'm never going to Poland. Really. Sorry, Motherland.

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