Author: Sunscorched

Email: Sun_spritzer@hotmail.com

Rating: PG-15

Category: Humour

Content: C/X, C/Aus implied

Summary: Poor Xander!

Spoilers: None

Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one

Distribution: NF, anyplace else just ask

Notes: Dedicated to Darla because she gave me some great feedback! Thank you Darla!

"This is so your fault Xander!" Cordelia seethed angrily as she choked back her fear in the form of a lump in her throat.

"My fault? How is this my fault?" Xander asked in disbelief, "Did I ask Angel to kidnap us? Because I really can't remember doing that"

"No, all you did was arrange to meet Buffy at the cemetery, she probably planned being late on purpose!" Cordelia snapped at him. "You're right, it's not your fault, it's Buffy's fault"

"I don't think Buffy was late on purpose Cordy" Xander spoke to her as if she were a child. "If it's anyone's fault, it's his. I knew we shouldn't trust him but did anyone listen to me? Nooo!"

"Nobody ever listens to you Xander" Cordelia pointed out instantly.

"And look where that's gotten us!" Xander bit back at her.

"Will you quit your woe-is-me crap?" she released a harsh sigh, "God, I swear you're worse than Buffy sometimes. You need to get us out of here"

"I need to get us out of here? Why not 'we' get ourselves out of here?"

"Because you're the guy and I'm the damsel, besides it was your evening plans with your partner-in-whine that got us into this"

If Xander could move his hands, he would've strangled her happily, laughing about it the whole time. Well, maybe not laugh, more like snigger silently.

"I'm ba-aack!" Angelus sang as he breezed back into the living room, "Please, don't stop your lovers' tiff on my account, it was actually entertaining"

"What do I look like to you?" Cordelia demanded hotly, "A tied-up comedian?"

"No, you look more like supper!" Angelus replied easily as he sat down and looked at the couple he had planned to use against the Slayer. His eye drifted over to Xander and looked him up and down before looking at Cordelia. "I really don't know what you see him"

"Neither do I!" Cordelia agreed as she looked at Xander herself.

"Hey!" came Xander's outraged and insulted yell.

"What? It's true" Cordelia defended before turning back to Angelus. "We went out on what was supposed to be a 'classy' night out and do you know what he wore?" even now, her face flushed slightly. "Hawaiian shirt and black jeans, I mean hello!"

"I like my shirts, at least I don't look like a two dollar hooker on a bad day!" Xander snapped at her with a glare.

"No you look like nerd reject" Cordelia responded with a glare of her own.

The sound of laughter stopped the bickering from continuing, both Cordelia and Xander looked at Angelus. "What are you laughing at?" they both demanded hotly.

"You two" Angelus replied as his shoulders shook with his laughter, "Aren't you supposed to be in lurrve?"

"Why would I be in love with a guy who has enough material to write Revenge of the Nerds three?"

"Why would I be in love with a girl who thinks shoe shopping should be an olympic sport?"

"Speaking of shoes, those boots you're wearing will totally give you bunions" Cordelia remarked to Angelus as she got distracted.

"Here we go!" Xander muttered to himself.

"Ya think?" Angelus asked as he looked down at his combat boots, "They're the right size"

"Do you wear thick socks or thin?" Cordelia asked as she looked critically at the vampire's boots.

"Thick, thin socks don't feel right" Angelus replied, he could talk about his appearance forever.

"Cordy, I don't think this is the time to be giving out fashion advice" Xander told her with a frown.

"Let her talk" Angelus growled, he hated being interrupted.

"Thanks, he thinks stuff like this isn't important" Cordelia told the vampire. "Like personality is the only thing that matters, you can't kiss a personality in the dark"

"You only say that because you don't have any personality" Xander snapped at her.

"I do too, I just don't waste it on the likes of you!" Cordelia snapped right back. "Where was I? Oh yeah! Thick socks are great and all, but they can also make your shoes tighter thus causing bunions. What size are you?"

"12" Angelus replied as he studied his boots before leering at Cordelia, a roguish grin spread across his face. "You know what they say about men with big feet, don't you?" he asked with a teasing tone.

Cordelia nodded in understanding, "Totally. They need shoes that have a wider fitting and leather uppers" she missed the point completely.

"That wasn't what he meant Cordy" Xander explained with a shake of his head.

"Then wha... Oh, but isn't size 12's these days average size?" Cordelia asked, her voice dripping with sub-text as her insult hit home.

"Cordy, you DO NOT question a man's pride and joy and you DO NOT insult a maniac vampire's pride and joy. Especially when we're probably going to die by the hands of said maniac vampire!" Xander hissed when he caught the look of anger on Angelus' face.

"I'm sure he can take a joke. Geez, what is he bore-o-vamp?" Cordelia snapped. "God, your species are all the same. You can make lame, crude remarks but when a girl turns those remarks around, you sulk"

Angelus caught the look of jealousy Xander was giving him a moment ago when he made the comment to Cordelia and decided to have a little fun with the whelp. "She's right, I can take a joke" he said smoothly as he leaned forward in his seat. "I've noticed the car you drive Cordy" he picked up the nickname easily from Xander. "It's a 'Vette right?"

"Yeah" Cordelia replied in disappointment, "Daddy said I was too young for a Porsche. Like there's a limit on how old you have to be to own a cool car"

"I'm already dead and I'm in hell right?" Xander asked either one of them.

Angelus looked thoughtful for a second, cars were one of his genuine interests and talking about them wasn't something he did often. "I can see how you would think a Porsche is a cool car. They're fast, expensive and everybody looks when you're driving one"

"You have a Porsche?" Cordelia asked in disbelief as she stared at him.

"No, I have a Plymouth 69 convertible but I have drove the 911" Angelus replied with a smirk at her jealous expression.

"Bully for you" Cordelia snapped haughtily, "I drove my uncle's Ferrari once"

"Was that the one you crashed?" Xander asked.

"No!" Cordelia yelled, like she would ever crash a Ferrari. "It was my aunt's MG Roadster but it was a horrible car" she defended herself. "It didn't even have a real walnut dashboard"

"My girlfriend ladies and gentlemen!" Xander said in a game show host voice. "She crashes cars because they don't have a walnut dashboard"

"I didn't crash it because of that, the stupid tree jumped right out in front of me, I swear that tree had it in for me"

"Damn those moving trees!" Xander mock cursed with a roll of her eyes. "There are times and places for conversations like these and this is not either that time or place"

"Do you mind?" Cordelia barked in annoyance, "I'm trying to have a decent conversation and you keep butting in with your poor attempt at sarcasm"

"Please carry on" Xander replied with a glare at her.

Angelus bit his tongue at the boy's jealousy that Cordelia wanted to have a conversation with him. He was quite happy to listen to their bickering but provoking him more seemed much more appealing. "What do you think of my jacket?" he asked Cordelia.

"Oh it spells cool but that cream one you wore when you found me hiding that night, two words. Bin it. It so wasn't you" Cordelia replied. "That jacket has to be Italian leather"

"How'd you know?" Angelus asked genuinely curious how she would know.

"God!" she scoffed, "I do what I'm talking about when it comes to clothes and shoes. You better listen up and take note hear" she commented to Xander.

"Because my aim in life is to become a fashion slave" Xander replied sarcastically.

"You could never become a fashion slave, you highest rank in clothing you could ever reach is assisstant to the fashion police" Cordelia snapped. "It amazes me endlessly how one man can be the epitome of couture while another can be the epitome of desperation"

"The only person here who is desperate is you" Xander snapped.

"The only thing I'm desperate for is for you to stop whining. It maybe contagious" Cordelia snapped right back before turning back to Angelus. "Can you believe him? Do I look desperate to you?"

"The only thing you look desperate for is a new boyfriend" Angelus replied.

"Oh great, evil dead guy is hitting on my girlfriend. Could my life be anymore sad?" Xander asked the ceiling as he silently prayed for help.

"That's not desperation, that's a cry for help" Cordelia remarked to Angelus. "And you're not hitting on me because if you were then I'm sure you could come up with a better line than that"

"What would you want him to say?" Xander demanded as he stared at Cordelia. "I want to be your boyfriend because I need fashion advice for the rest of my eternal life?"

"Are you serious?" she asked with an incredulous look. "Angelus doesn't need fashion advice he just needs a course in anger management. Or a spiritual advisor, he has a lot of issues to work through" she turned back to the highly amused vampire. "Have you tried Feng Shui?"

"I can't say I have" Angelus replied, now she was defending him and he found it incredibly funny. "Have you?"

"She's already centered!" Xander answered helplessly, "Self centered"

"Hey, if you don't love yourself who else will?" Cordelia demanded as she defended her confidence.

"Nobody in their right mind, that's for sure" Xander muttered under his breath.

"I'm sorry if I'm not insecure enough for you but I don't need anybody else to make me feel good about myself. I know my qualities" she snapped.

"Cordy, the whole world knows your qualities" Xander deadpanned.

"If I weren't tied up right now Xander Harris" Cordelia growled at him and his implications.

"You'd what? Go snooping through Deadboy's clothes collection and choose the perfect outfit for him?" Xander snarked.

Once again distracted, Cordelia looked at Angelus, "You must have a ton of clothes what with being not alive for so long. Do you pay for stuff or do you just kill the sales people?"

"And killing is just the sort of conversation you want to have with a killer!" Xander congratulated Cordelia with a sarcastic grin.

"Will you just stop with the accusations? God Xander, the only thing Angelus has done is tied us up" Cordelia yelled. "Get a hold of yourself would you? Let him answer"

"Do you really want an answer?" Angelus asked as he yet again forced the grin off his face.

"I asked didn't I?"

"I pay for clothes but when it comes to other stuff I just kill" Angelus replied. "I used to take trophies from the people I killed"

"Ew and did you get anything good?" Cordelia asked as she curled her face up in a grimace.

"Mostly jewellery and money, the occaisional body part, Spike got his leather jacket from the Slayer he killed in New York"

"Now he talks about his buddy killing the ancestor of our buddy, this just keeps getting better and better" Xander spoke up with another sarcastic grin.

"I don't suppose you, I don't know, kept any of the jewellery..." Cordelia's voice drifted off as she gave Angelus a smile.

"Yes actually I did, you wanna see some of it?"

"Hell Yeah! I love priceless jewellery" Cordelia exclaimed as she beamed at Xander and the vampire who got up to get some of the things he had collected over the years.

Angelus returned with a wooden box and sat down as he opened it, taking out necklaces, rings and bracelets. He held up a necklace with a generous emerald in it, "I got this from a woman 90 years ago"

"Look at that" Cordelia said to Xander excitedly, "A 6 carat emerald set in platinum. That woman had taste!"

"Let's here it for the dead woman with taste!" Xander remarked dryly as he glared at her again.

"Can you gag him or something? That noise he keeps making is really starting to get on my nerves!" Cordelia asked Angelus hopefully.

"How about I just knock him out? More fun for me until the Slayer get's here"

"No don't hit him, if you think he looks a mess right now you should see him when he wears blue. So not his colour" Cordelia stated ruefully. "I bet you look good in blue, black works but you should break up the dreary monotone"

Xander's jaw dropped as Cordelia asked Angelus to gag him, "Are you insane? Have you lost it completely?" he cried in horror as the vampire began to tie a gag tightly to stop him from talking.

"Much better" Angelus said as he sat back down, "So you think I would look good in blue?"

"Oh yeah, but it has to be a dark blue, light blue would make your pale skin looked washed out" Cordelia commented critically.

"I could see how, you would look ravishing in red" Angelus remarked as a purr added a lilt to his voice.

"Ya think?" Cordelia asked with a large grin, "Can I try the necklace on?"

Angelus bit his tongue again at the look they were getting of the now gagged boy. Jealousy and astonishment covered his face. "I'll go one better, you can have it" he told her as he got off his seat to place the necklace round her neck.

Cordelia stilled when she felt his hands slide round her throat as he leaned his face across her shoulder so he could fasten it. She inhaled the cologne she suprisingly smelled on him. "Farenheight" she commented instantly.

"Yeah, you like it?" Angelus asked as he moved away to admire the necklace on her throat.

"Oh yeah, every man should wear it" Cordelia glanced to Xander, "It sure beats plain, old Lynx"

Xander responded with a muffled retort and a roll of his eyes.

"No good, can't hear you" she told him smugly.

Angelus looked from Cordelia to Xander, suddenly not caring if the Slayer turned up looking for her missing chums. He had something far more important to do.

He moved quickly, untying Xander and backing him towards the door. "Go away Xander, I think your girlfriend just got herself that new boyfriend she's desperate for" he said with a wicked grin.

Xander backed away until he found himself shoved outside of a suddenly shut door.

Angelus turned to Cordelia, "I'm in trouble now, aren't I?" she asked nervously.