Author : Arlyn Jayde
E-mail : atomichatred82@lycos.com
Rating : R for strong language, major angst
Pairing : Masami Shibaki/Haruya Sakurai
Archive : Battle School, anyone else ask first
Spoilers : Battle Royale II
Summary : Masami is distraught with conflicting emotions, and he stumbles upon Haruya whos not having it easy, either. My first BR fic, so be gentle. If you havent seen BR2, this wont make any sense.
Masami watched as the flames danced upon the pyre, reducing to ash and smoke what had once been the bodies of people he knew, faces that had names attached to them, some he knew better than others, all of whom existed no more. The surviving students and Wild Seven members had spent a great deal of time that afternoon digging through the debris left by the missile attack to look for people buried under the rubble, but for the most part what they recovered were limp, lifeless bodies.
It was Taku who insisted that they try and find as many bodies of the other students as possible, those who had died in the initial landing and assault on the Wild Seven compound. But deep down, Masami knew that it was all lip service on Takus part, for there was only one body that the high-strung blonde really wanted to recover: Shugo Urabes.
They found Shugo exactly as theyd left him, his face blood-stained and his brown hair matted, but for once his expression was peaceful. Masami had envied him at that moment, envied him for having gone out of this fucked-up game early enough without having to know or care about Nanahara Shuyas lame-ass reasons, or having to confront the Wild Seven or their motherfucking cause, whatever it was. Masami didnt think he could care, either. All he knew was that most of his friends were now dead.
What price was this for? Why did they have to pay it? What did they ever do wrong?
Death was everywhere. In the air he breathed, in the sands beneath his feet, in the quietly muffled sobs of his surviving classmates, even in the cries of the motherless baby Kyoko now carried in her arms. Masami shut his eyes tightly. Thinking of the infant only brought him to think of its future, and what a bleak future it seemed. Where would he end up? What sort of person would he grow up to be?
His hands were blood-stained. He couldnt even remember whose blood it was. Was it Shugos? Was it Sagisawas? Or was it Shintaros?
ShintaroE
He shouldve done what Shintaro did. He shouldve refused to play this game, to be forced to kill others by adults who thought nothing of sending children to their deaths. He wouldve died, yes, but even death was starting to look like a preferable alternative to this living hell, from which he saw no way out. Even as the flames burned, the warmth failed to touch his being. Everything was cold. Cold as death, that which he was beginning to long for.
Feeling rather disgusted with himself, Masami stood up and turned away from the bonfire, ignoring Kyokos inquiring look. On wobbly legs he walked, treading across the sand into the darkness, the cracking of the flames behind him slowly fading, replaced by the crashing sounds of the waves against the beach. The tide was high.
He used to love the ocean. He used to love going to the beach and sitting in the sand for hours, listening to the sounds. Now the waves only brought him memories of his friendsEbodies washing up against the shore, some with their heads blown halfway off, their collars a mess of mangled circuitry and blood. Masami spat bitterly onto the sand. Everything, everything that had once brought him happiness had now been irreversibly stained, and life would never be the same again.
Life. Did he even care for it anymore?
Masamis train of thought was halted when two figures materialized out of the darkness in front of him, still some distance away, standing next to each other near the waters edge. At first he was alarmed. Was another special forces team coming for them? He almost reached for his FAMAS rifle, but stopped when he realized the two figures were facing each other, talking.
Or at least one of them was.
Haruya..EMasami whispered to himself.
It was Haruya, indeed, the last reach of the pyres light reflected in his red-bronze hair, and he was talking animatedly, his arms flinging at his sides. Masami hadnt noticed when his rugby teammate had left the campfire, nor did he recognize at first who Haruya was talking to. Until the light from the fire caught the silhouette of a long-haired female standing there, highlighting the headband she wore across her forehead. Masami stopped dead in his tracks and a cold shiver ran up his spine.
In the midst of all the chaos and confusion following their captureEby the Wild Seven, Haruya had spoken to him that one of the Wild Seven was actually his older sister, Saki Sakurai, who had been missing for well over a year. Masami never did find out the circumstances around her disappearance, nor did Haruya seem to know it for himself. But he simply could not bring himself to look at the quiet, icy-mannered girl as his friends long-lost sister.
He looked at her and saw the bitch who murdered Shugo, who murdered Kurosawa, and fuck knows who else.
Haruya was screaming at herEfrom this distance Masami couldnt make out his words but he knew his friend was distraught. And his sister stood perfectly still, Dragunov rifle slung on her shoulder, only her hair swaying in the tides wind. At first Masami thought he should turn away and pretend not to see themEthey had private matters to settle, and he wanted no part of it. Hed had enough conflict to last him many lifetimes. But something made him stay.
He didnt know how long the argument had gone on before he saw them, but it came to an abrupt end when Saki turned away, walking away quickly from her younger brother, who did nothing to chase after her except calling out sister!Eover and over again. Masamis eyes followed the sniper girl as she walked back towards the bonfire, ignoring her brothers cries, and as the light became stronger on her face he could swear he saw her blinking back tears, wiping them away with one gloved hand.
Saki didnt acknowledge him even as she walked past him, and it was that moment that Haruya first noticed him.
Masami?E
Turning away from the walking figure and back towards his friend, Masami saw Haruya still rooted to the spot where hed stood, his chest heaving rapidly.
Haruya..Ehe said as he cautiously approached. Are you okay?E
The other boy didnt answer, but as Masami drew closer he could see that Haruya was trembling, and his lips quivered as his face contorted, tears starting to fall from his eyes.
Haruya!E
Without warning Haruya sank to his knees, a soft noise against the dark sands, and he began sobbing. Masami lost all pretense of subtleties and flat-out ran towards his friend, nearly tripping over himself as he knelt down beside Haruya, flinging his arm around the long-haired boys shoulders.
Haruya..EMasami said, wary of speaking too loudly and alerting the others. Whats wrong?E
Haruyas body was nearly limp, his eyes red, which told Masami that hed started crying long before Saki abandoned their conversation. Masami held him tightly, and he felt Haruyas own pale, slender fingers grabbing weakly at the fabric of his jacket. Quickly, Masami seated himself on the sand and pulled Haruya close against him, letting the bronze head lean against his shoulder.
What did she tell you, Haruya?Ehe asked gently. What did she say?E
Slowly, Haruya shook his head. Nothing..she said absolutely nothing. She just stood there like a fucking rock, she wouldnt even talk to me!E
ShhhE Masami held him tighter, tucking Haruyas head under his chin. His friends body was nearly spasming now, and he could only guess the troubles plaguing Haruyas mind. Its okayEts okayEm here.E
He didnt know why he said that, only that it seemed the right thing to say. And it seemed to work, because Haruyas body slowly began to relax, his knotted muscles loosening, the breath coming out his mouth becoming less and less heavy. For a long, long time Masami did nothing but sit there holding him, keeping silent, not sure what words he had could comfort Haruya, if he could comfort him at all.
Ma..Masami..EHaruya said, his voice a quiet whisper against the crashing waves.
Yes?E
I thinkE think she hates me.E
Masamis brows furrowed. Why the hell would she hate you? She has no reason!E
I dont knowEor getting my ass involved in this mess, maybe.E
We didnt get ourselves involved in this mess, Haruya.EMasami said sternly. Those military assholes and whoevers running this fucking program did. We didnt have a choice.E
What if Id been a better student? What if Id gotten better grades?EHaruya said wistfully. Maybe then Id get into another school, and not end up in---how did Takeuchi put it? The specially selected bunch of worthless, expensiveElosers who got picked to do the government's dirty work.E
Haruya..E
Haruya pulled away from him, wiping his face with the backs of his hands. He glanced back towards the bonfire, where their surviving classmates stood with their backs to them, Kyoko gently rocking the baby in her arms.
Are we really that worthless, you think? Do we deserve to die?E
Masami bit down on his lip. Hed never seen Haruya like this, never saw under the shell of the energetic, hard-tackling rugby player who had befriended him, along with Taku, Shugo and Shintaro, after hed transferred from Kansai not that long ago. He wouldve never categorized Haruya as being emotionally fragile, unlike Taku, and when they were thrown into this sick game, he thought Haruya would be one of the few whod actually hold themselves together.
But no more. Seeing Saki alive had set Haruya on edge, and her coldness towards him had finally thrown him off.
How did sheE Masami had to clear his throat before continuing. How did she disappear? Can you tell me?E
Haruya sighed mournfully, stretching his long legs in the sand, leaning back on his elbows. He looked up and Masami followed his gaze, but above them the skies were starless, as if echoing the hopelessness he felt inside.
One day she went out on a school trip with her class, and everything seemed okay at first. She called home everyday, telling my parents about the sights shed seen, but then..Ehe drew in a sharp, painful breath. The day she was supposed to come home, the bus failed to arrive back at the school. Everybody was panicking. And then my parents got a letter.E
Letter? What letter?E
Haruya shook his head. They didnt let me see it. They didnt let me see it until after she disappeared. I dont remember much of it, but it said that my sisters class had been chosen for a special government programEor whatever, and that we should not expect her to return.EHe paused, closing his eyes as if trying to recall the vague details. The letter had a government seal on it, and a logo I couldnt recognize at that timeEBRE it spelled out.E
BR?EMasamis eyes widened. Battle Royale? She was in this game, too?E
I dont knowE Haruya shook his head. and when she came back, I didnt get to ask her.
What happened?E
Four days later she came back. A black sedan drove up to the front of our house and dropped her off, and sped away before my parents could ask any questions. She was wearing her school uniform, butE Haruya winced, as if recalling to mind a painful image. she had blood all over her. It was on her clothes, on her handsEverywhere.E
Masami shuddered.
She refused to talk to any of us. My father wanted to get her to a doctor, but she just ran upstairs and locked herself up in her room. I could..I could hear her crying in there, screamingEcreaming like she was insaneE Haruya said haltingly. Nobody could get her to come out, and this went for days. My father tried to damage her lock, but shed blockaded herself in, pushing the furniture against the door. When we finally got throughEhe was gone.E
Gone?E
Gone.EHaruya repeated. No letter, no message, she was just gone. Her bloody uniform was on the floor, and her clothes were missing. Shed climbed down the drainpipe outside her window, and we never heard from her again. UntilE his face took on a painful expression. Until now.E
Masami inched across the sand, wanting to be closer to his friend.
I thoughtE thought shed give me answersE thought shed at least tell me whatEhat had happened to herE Haruya shook his head vehemently. I wish shed just talk to me, for fucks sake!E
Haruya, calm down!EMasami reached for his friends shoulder, which was beginning to tremble again. Calm downEts okay.E
No, its not okay!EHaruya said, his voice throaty. What are we doing here? Why is this happening to us? What the hell are we supposed to do now?E
I dont know!EMasami got a firm hold of him, trying desperately to calm him down. None of us do, Haruya. And Im betting that if we go up to that Nanahara bastard and ask him, he wouldnt know, either!E
MasamiE Haruya looked at him with red, swollen eyes. I dontE dont want to die.E
Masami froze. How many times had he heard those words in the last two days alone? The screaming of his classmates on those cursed boats, the look in Shugos eyes after Mikis collar had exploded, Mayu and Risa holding each other in the chest-deep water, Sagisawa moaning in pain on her deathbedE
I dont want to die
Yet he, Masami, had just minutes ago began to long for death. For respite from this fucked-up world and all that was in it. He had wanted to die.
I haventE havent done enough, MasamiE Haruya continued, choking on his words. I have no answers to any of the questions Ive always askedE dont know what Ive been living for, and I dont want to die without knowing!E
Masami felt as if the breath had been crushed right out of his lungs. He felt gutshot, and even as his hands held Haruyas shoulders they became stiff, all his strength suddenly gone. He didnt dare tell his friend that just minutes ago, hed actually wished he was one of the bodies burning on the pyre. Hed actually wished that he was dead, free from further suffering, dead along with Shugo, and Shintaro, and everybody else.
Theyll come for us, againEust like today.EHaruya continued. Theyll send another team, or fire another missileEnd I dont see how we can survive that.E
HaruyaEont say such things.EMasami whispered.
Its true, isnt it? What hope do we have?EHaruya asked. What hope does Nanahara have for his little group? A bunch of terrorists, some kids, and limited ammoE swear he mustve been drunk when he decided to hole himself up in this fucking island!E
HaruyaE
And then he had to make that declaration, so the adults had to devise their little program and send us in to kill him! Thanks to him, our friends are dead, were stuck here, and my fucked-up life just got that much more difficult!E
Haruya kicked his feet angrily, sending particles of sand flying towards the water. The skies were dark and the sea was even darker, with not even moonlight to reflect on the surface, everything before them was pitch black, as if the dark waters were determined to suck every last bit of what little hope they had left and bear it away.
I cant die, MasamiE just cant.EHaruya shook his head. Death wont save me. It wont set me free.E
Masami had lost his voice somewhere along the way---not that hed have much to say had it been there for him to call upon. Haruya now sat several steps away from him, staring out onto the dark seas, his face tear-stained and woeful.
When Saki disappeared, I promised myself that I would never do what she did to my parentsEd never abandon them without notice, just run away like that and not tell them anythingEnd look where we are now?E
Haruya grabbed a fistful of the damp sand and threw it into the water, the sound of impact swallowed by the noise of the waves crashing on the shore.
I wonder if theyve received a letter by now...the letter telling them that they shouldnt expect my return, and this time its for real because Im not returning, not even as a body they can mourn!E
Masamis vision blurred, and at first he thought that the darkness had affected his eyes, but then he realized his cheeks were wet. He was crying. His last cry was such a long time ago hed forgotten exactly when, and now he was crying. He was thinking of his parents now, imagining them reading a letter that told them that their son had been drafted into the BR2 program, and that they should not have high hopes for his return.
How would they react? Would his mother cry? Would his father protest? Would they miss him?
The thought of not being missed, not being loved had him horrified. Hed never thought much of it before, believing as many of his age did that parental love was obligatory, that parents love their children because, well, because theyre supposed to. But what if thats not true? What if parents could choose not to love their children, the same way some children choose not to love their parents? What if his parents had chosen not to love him anymore, their troublemaker of a child, always getting transferred from one school to another because of his bad attitude and other nasty habits?
What if the letter would be welcomed with no more than a shrug and a sigh of relief?
Unable to bear his own thoughts, Masami stood up and walked the few steps towards where Haruya sat. He dropped onto his knees behind his friend, and flung his arms around Haruya, burying his head into his shoulders.
I have no answers for you, HaruyaE he whispered throatily. I have no answers for either of us. All I know is that were here, and this is all we have left.E
What?EHaruya asked dejectedly. What do we have left?E
This.EMasami embraced him tighter. This.E
MaEasamiE
Friends. Each other. The few of us who survivedEe have to hold on to each other. Because thats all we have left.E
Haruyas hands reached up to where Masamis were clasped upon his chest, and his slender fingers wrapped tightly around Masamis own dirty, sandy digits. MasamiE
Remember what Sagisawa said, before she died?EMasami said, his nose gently parting away the hair at Haruyas neck. She wanted us to surviveEll of us.E
IE remember.E
Im sure the othersEhose who have diedEheyd want us to survive, too. Shugo, Shintaro, theyd want us to survive. Theyd want us not to lose our heads while we still have each other, Haruya.E
Haruyas grip on his hands became stronger, and he leaned back against Masami, the red-bronze strands brushing against his cheek.
ShintaroE he whispered. BeforeEefore he died, he said...he said that he hadnt lost yet. Thats what he said, wasnt it?E
Masami nodded. It was.E
He was wrong.EHaruya said. Hed already won.E
Thats probably true.EMasami said. But we havent lost either, my friendE
But can we win?EHaruya asked. Can we survive this?E
I dont know.EMasami said, one of his hands reaching up to cup Haruyas face gently. Haruya relaxed into his hand, letting Masamis dirty palm brush along his tear-stained cheek. Masami closed his eyes briefly, letting himself enjoy the gentle contact, which theyd never done before, and before he knew his hand was down on Haruyas chin, taking hold of it between thumb and index finger and slowly tilting it up.
Haruyas eyes matched his own uncertain gaze, and for a while the two friends sat in silence, unsure of what would happen next. But it was Masami, whod refrained from allowing himself to drown in Haruyas eyes, who spoke next.
Answers, I cant give you. Solutions, even more so. But thisE Masami drew Haruyas face close to his own, their foreheads brushing againstn each other. this much I can give, my friend.E
He didnt know what drove him. Perhaps it was the utter hopelessness of their situation, or the sense that if things were that fucked up, they might as well. Or perhaps he was beginning to believe his own lame speech about friends and having each other to hold onto as their last barrier from insanity. He suspected it was the last one.
Whatever it was, it mattered no more, because Masami was kissing Haruya now, molding his lips against the other boys, and unexpectedly Haruya welcomed him, returning the kiss with fervor, his pliant, soft lips opening under Masamis gentle probing and his arm reaching behind to curl around Masamis neck.
Haruya tasted of tears and saltwater, with a hint of sweetness beneath, heat and longing, and as Masami deepened the kiss he found his arms moving of their own accord, one around Haruyas torso and the other towards the other boys back, gently turning him into a more comfortable angle.
Finally they were facing each other, Haruya half-cradled in Masamis arms as they sank further and further down onto the sand, their lips locked in a feverish last dance, and before long Masami found himself sprawled on top of his friend, Haruya lying on his back, his red-bronze hair rustling in the sand.
Masami unlocked Haruyas wrists from around his neck, holding them and pushing them down beside his friends head, and Haruya let him do it, which sent inexplicable shivers straight down onto his sensitive regions. Haruya moaned into his mouth, his body twisting and writhing in the sand, and even through their thick garments Masami could feel the intense heat that was building between them.
He almost regretted having to end the kiss, but never had he kissed anyone that passionately before and it was beginning to take a toll on his breathing. Gently he pulled away, looking down on his friend, both of them panting, their lips moist and kiss-swollen, and when Haruya met his gaze it seemed as if the uncertainty that hed last seen there was gone.
MasamiE Haruya reached up and stroked his face, with the pale, soft hand that not even hours of rugby seemed to wither, and on his face was a faint smile, but a smile beyond all smiles in the joy it brought to Masami, and what little joy he could get in this place, hed take it.
HaruyaE
Thank you.EThe other boy whispered. Youre right. We still have friends. We still have each other. We havent lost yet.E
Masami nodded slowly, not trusting himself to speak.
But even if we loseEven if we dieE Haruya paused to take breath. Dare I say it, I may not regret it as much as I previously thought.E
Masami returned his smile whole-heartedly, and slowly lifted himself up off his friends body. Wed better go back. Before they start looking for us.E
Haruya nodded, and took the hand that was offered to him. Masami stood up, taking Haruya with him, both of them doing their best to clean the sand off their jackets and trousers before heading back towards the bonfire.
The fire had almost burnt through all of the bodies now, leaving no recognizable shape on the pyre, and as the two of them approached several of their friends gave them inquisitive looks, which they ignored. The baby in Kyokos arms was now asleep, and Osamu had almost dozed off against Risas shoulder, the girl constantly having to push him away.
Masami resumed his previous position and sat down, and this time Haruya sat with him, both of them staring into the fire. From the other side of the pyre members of the Wild Seven, including Saki Sakurai, also had their eyes on the two boys, curious looks on their faces. Masami stared back at each of them defiantly, more so at Saki, who merely turned away and resumed her icy, statue-like demeanor. Did she know that hed seen her tears?
Feeling rather bold, Masami blatantly put his arm around Haruyas shoulder, and pulled him close against him. Haruya wasnt complaining, he eased into his embrace and pillowed his head against Masamis shoulder. Masami directed his gaze towards Saki again, finding the girl still looking the other direction.
You were his last hope. Seeing you alive had made him happy, but then you ruined it by refusing to acknowledge him.Why?
She couldnt answer him of course, but he didnt care.
You couldve given him answers. Answers hed longed for, answers that would make it all easier for him, if he has to die here. Die here because of your stupid leader and his stupid cause. But you didnt.
Haruya sighed contentedly in his embrace, slowly succumbing to sleep.
Dont you love him? You must love him, you wouldnt have cried if you didnt. Would it hurt so much to show him that? Would it kill you to have him know that his sister loves him? If hes going to die here, shouldnt he be allowed to feel love one last time?
Saki Sakurai stood perfectly still, her rifle still slung on her shoulder.
Fine. Have it your way, then. Masami breathed deeply. If you cant love him, then I will.
He turned away from the silent, futile argument and set his sights on Haruya, who was now asleep, his breathing a soft murmur against Masamis chest. His red-bronze hair was gleaming in the firelight, and as Masami ran his fingers through the strands it was like treading through silken flames, and in his heart he made a promise to himself that the one who wanted to live, shall indeed live, and the one who wanted to die, shall wait and see what fate has in store for him.
"You will survive, Haruya..." he whispered. If I must die so you can liveEhen I will.E
~FIN~