A

• “If I ever woke up with a dead hooker in my hotel room, Matt [Damon] would be the first person I'd call.” ~Ben Affleck
• "California is a fine place to live--if you happen to be an orange." ~Fred Allen
• "Well, it looks like this game is neck and neck, which leaves me out of the running." ~Clive Anderson
• "I'm not bald. I'm just taller than my hair." ~Clive Anderson
• “A shortage of tea bags? Welcome to England, Mr. Proops. This is what counts as a crisis over here.” ~Clive Anderson
• “Does the word ‘crocodile’ mean anything to you?” ~Clive Anderson
• "I really can't believe this game exists, but it seems to be a fact, because I'm playing it." ~The Angry Videogame Nerd
• "Just walkin' around, and a head run amok from Easter Island comes flying towards you!" ~The Angry Videogame Nerd
• “Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom.” ~Anonymous (sounds a bit like Rincewind to me)
• “What’s the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.” ~Anonymous
• "Music is the mushroom on the dunghill of life." ~Anonymous
• “Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.” ~Anonymous
• “Heaven is where the Police are British, the Chefs are French, the Mechanics are German, the Lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss. Hell is where the Chefs are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, the Police are German and it's all organised by the Italians.” ~Anonymous
• “When was the last time you saw an Iraqi in a [bloody] helicopter?” ~Anonymous UK pilot after US marines fired on his helicopter
• "Being a good writer is 3% talent, 97% not being distracted by the internet." ~Anonymous
• "To be sure, I could write to [Walter M.] Miller and ask him, but...it's more fun to speculate, and gives on much needed mental exercise." ~Isaac Asimov, The Great SF Stories: 14 (1952)
• "I'm an indoors person. I'm not afraid of the outdoors and I penetrate it easily and cheerfully. However, I must admit I like Central Park better than the wilderness, and I like the canyons of Manhattan better than Central Park, and I like the interior of my apartment better than the canyons of Manhattan, and I like my two rooms better with the shades down at all times than with the shades up. I'm not an agoraphobe at all, but I am a claustrophile, if you see the distinction." ~Isaac Asimov
• “Life is pleasant, death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” ~Isaac Asimov
• “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not Eureka! but 'That's funny...’” ~Isaac Asimov
• “I was told I had to gain a lot of weight because Hobbits are very portly. Peter is forever suggesting I have more food. 'A little more food for Mr. Astin.'" ~Sean Astin
• "I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them." ~Jane Austen

B

• “A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.” ~Burt Bacharach
• “There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” ~Sir Francis Bacon
• "These were the early days of the character of Leela, played by Louise Jameson. I can remember not liking the Leela character. I don't have much of a sense of humor, so the ironies in Leela escaped me. Whenever she was threatened (her character, that is), she simply slapped a Janus thorn into the nearest male buttocks. I didn't much like this -- it made me very protective of the chaps and very mistrustful of Leela; I was afraid even to turn my back, let alone bend down. This meant that I felt a bit stifled at the rehearsals. I couldn't find any ideas to help us out. Fortunately, David Maloney was in form and the visiting actors pulled it together brilliantly." ~Tom Baker
• "I'm the only man in London that 'Don't talk to strange men' doesn't apply to." ~Tom Baker
• "It was actually, 'Where ever there is television, there is poor old shagged out Tom Baker running across the rocks and punting down the river.'" ~Tom Baker
• "I run--away from people." ~Christian Bale when asked if he played any sports
• "I don't want to know about the lives of other actors and I don't want people to know too much about me. If we don't know about the private lives of other actors, that leaves us as clean slates when it comes to playing characters. That's the point, they can create these other characters and I can believe them. I think if you're a good enough actor, that's the way to longevity in the film business. Keep everybody guessing." ~Christian Bale
• "When you do a lot of interviews, you find yourself telling the same stories over and over. After you do it for a whole day, you say, 'Christ, I've said this five times today.' It gets fun when you get so bored you start making it all up." ~Christian Bale
• "I certainly liked performing [Patrick Bateman], but it was because he thinks he's so [bloody] cool and just the [stuff], but is really such a cheesy dork." ~Christian Bale
• "I swear, the bigger your muscles get, the duller you are. You become fascinated with carbs and protein and ripped abs and things that are just not interesting at all." ~Christian Bale
• "Personally, I love going to see a film when you can really watch a character. If you've just read some article about who the actor is sleeping with, that's gonna be at the back of your mind all the time while you're watching the film." ~Christian Bale
• "It's the actors who are prepared to make fools of themselves who are usually the ones who come to mean something to the audience." ~Christian Bale
• "Well, absolutely none, obviously." ~Christian Bale in response to "When you got married yourself, you did, of course, ruin the lives of thousands of Bale-heads out there, and I'm curious how much guilt you feel about that."
• "I can now say that I've finally fulfilled a lifelong dream to play Darth Vader!" ~Christian Bale
• "I only sound intelligent when there's a script-writer around." ~Christian Bale
• "I actually dieted [for Reign of Fire], because I can't imagine Quinn as being pretty [big], because I thought they are going through a food shortage, these people are probably going to be scrawny. I arrived in Ireland, though, and I saw Matthew [as] Van Zan. And I just looked at him and just went, 'Holy sh--!' You know a whole dynamic of this movie is the two of us clashing and us both being leaders and sort of control freaks. And I have to really look like I can be psychologically and physically a challenge to his character. And he was in such incredible shape. I kind of desperately worked out for a couple of weeks, to try and look like I could, you know, face off against him." ~Christian Bale
• “I think trying too hard to be sexy is the worst thing in the world a woman can do.” ~Christian Bale
• "It was a great honor to be called a mo-fo by Sam Jackson." ~Christian Bale
• “I have a feeling that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.” ~Maria Bamford
• "Now I'm scared, because Lois is gonna get half the superpowers when they get divorced." ~Ty Barnett
• "Love is love, no matter who you fall in love with, love is love, it can be painful, it can be wonderful." ~John Barrowman
• "I love the bit when I pull the gun out of my [bum]. And that was 'cause Russell was like '[Jack]'s gotta have a gun, he's gotta have—' I said 'Just leave it to me.'" ~John Barrowman
• "All these things that are happening. I just sit back and... I can't believe it but I love it. I'm totally enjoying it. Because I'm a fan, a sci-fi fan, they have made a young boy's dreams come true." ~John Barrowman
• "There's a lot of me in Captain Jack and there's a lot of Captain Jack in me. And there is no pun intended." ~John Barrowman
• “The typical Internet user receives an average of 17,000 e-mail messages per year. Of this total, an average of one message actually contains useful information (it says: ‘Disregard previous e-mail’). The rest are porno ads, investment opportunities for morons (‘Make Big Money Petting Kittens at Home!’), and jokes that were originally set in moveable type by Johann Gutenberg.” ~Dave Barry
• ”There's a test they can do to determine a baby's gender ahead of time; I think they insert a tiny photo of Leonardo DiCaprio into the uterus, and if the baby punches it, it's a boy." ~Dave Barry
• "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask whether your country has been inhaling paint-thinner fumes." ~Dave Barry
• "I remain awed by how calmly Londoners have handled the terrorist attack. I believe that one reason for this is that the British TV news people have displayed less excitability and hysteria than American TV news people displayed in response to the Michael Jackson verdict. That's not an exaggeration: That's really how it appears." ~Dave Barry
• “I've been checking with people back in South Florida to see if Hurricane Dennis is going to whack my house, and the consensus of the experts seems to be: No, it will not, unless it does, in which case, yes. So I'm feeling really calm over here in London.” ~Dave Barry
• "...genius is no proof against shooting one's own foot." ~John Calvin Batchelor
• “Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?” ~Henry Ward Beecher
• “If your pants burst into flames like this, how would you explain it so someone?” ~Tore Belleci
• "Well, that sounds cool, but how are we going to test this without killing ourselves?" ~Tore Bellici
• “The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.” ~Robert Benchley
• “I admit it: I'm a freak who sits obsessively in front of my computer typing my name into Yahoo Search over and over again. I'm a closet Amberholic.” ~Amber Benson
• "It's all about what you feel on the inside – and I'm feeling like a chocolate chip cookie because I had about ten of them last night!" ~Amber Benson
• "I was tired of playing the love interest roles, but that's all that's written for women usually. Buffy's the exception to that, but those kind of characters are few and far between, so I thought I'd better write one for myself." ~Amber Benson about Chance
• "I'm not going to throw up or over-exercise myself into oblivion to look like a model. People tell me, 'You'd work all the time if you just lost twenty pounds.' What am I going to do, cut off my head?!" ~Amber Benson
• "Geeks are too happy to find someone else who shares their love for dodecahedrons and Morlocks and kaiju to let skin color get in the way. In my experience, geekdom is like a college town: safe haven for the different." ~Mac Bernardin
• "Born on the ides of March under a full moon in 1983 to a fireman and a community education worker, I initially suspected that I was the reincarnation of Julius Caesar. I soon realized that this couldn't be so as the idea of conquering Europe, or even living there, didn't appeal to me in the slightest. With the exception of a passing infatuation with the music of Michael Jackson, the 7 years immediately following my birth were fairly uneventful. Then I decided I wanted to act. So I did." ~Sean Biggerstaff
• “They’ve put me in a cage with a koala. This is the height of my career.” ~Lewis Black
• “It’s absolutely ridiculous that we live without an ozone layer. We have scientists, we had rockets, we have saran wrap.” ~Lewis Black
• “The Atkins’ diet is where you eat bacon for six or seven months...and the end result is that you lose weight. Because you’re dead.” ~Michael Ian Black
• “I don't care much about the money at all. Frankly, if I get the chance to kiss someone in a movie, they wouldn't need to pay me at all." ~Orlando Bloom
• “I prefer that animation reach into places where live action doesn't go, and it seems like all of animation nowadays is trying to go where live action is.” ~Don Bluth
• “I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim..." ~Alonzo Bodden
• "Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide." ~Erma Bombeck
• “In some domains it looks as though our identical twins reared apart are…just as similar as identical twins reared together. Now that’s an amazing finding and I can assure you none of us would have expected that degree of similarity.” ~Thomas Bouchard
• “How’s it going to have a personality? It’s a dot.” ~Rob Bowman on CGI dragons
• "Strangely enough, the first time I tried to read [The Lord of the Rings] I was on holiday in Florida. I dropped it in the pool my first day there. If that's not a Pippin thing to do, I don't know what is." ~Billy Boyd
• “There was a lot of pranking, but that was more Dom [Monaghan] and Viggo [Mortensen]. With Viggo, they were normally quite violent, aggressive ones. You would see Sean Bean walking across to his caravan, and then see this figure of Viggo running across the plains and rugby tackling him. Dom and Viggo were attacking each other's trailers for quite a while, redecorating inside and out with whatever they got their hands on.” ~Billy Boyd on Lord of the Rings
• “As you can see, I am madness maddened when it comes to books, writers, and the great granary silos where their wits are stored.” ~Ray Bradbury
• “I write all of my novels and stories, as you have seen, in a great surge of delightful passion. Only recently, glancing at the novel, I realized that Montag is named after a paper manufacturing company. And Faber, of course, is a maker of pencils! What a sly thing my subconscious was, to name them thus. And not tell me!” ~Ray Bradbury
• “There is more than one way to burn a book. And the world is full of people running about with lit matches.” ~Ray Bradbury
• “For it is a mad world and it will get madder if we allow the minorities, be they dwarf or giant, orangutan or dolphin, nuclear-head or water-conversationalist, pro-computerologist or Neo-Luddite, simpleton or sage, to interfere with aesthetics.” ~Ray Bradbury
• “If teachers and grammar school editors find my jawbreaker sentences shatter their mushmilk teeth, let them eat stale cake dunked in weak tea of their own ungodly manufacture.” ~Ray Bradbury
• “I respect you, Darth.” ~Wayne Brady when approached by Darth Vader
• “There are so few black actors who are working. Nothing makes me happier than to be able to take another black man's job." ~Wayne Brady on The Brady (nee Chappelle) Show
• “If it’s bad, you’ve gone too far.” ~Kenneth Branagh on how far you can go with Shakespeare
• “Heredity deals the cards, environment plays the hand.” ~Charles L. Brewer
• “The thin, narrow-shouldered ectomorph who was yesterday’s spinster librarian is today’s high fashion model; the plump and buxom endomorph who was a Victorian romantic ideal today is eating cottage cheese and grapefruit, and weighing in every Tuesday at Weight Watchers.” ~Phyllis Bronstein-Burrows
• “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” ~Mel Brooks
• “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” ~Rita Mae Brown
• “Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind.” ~The Buddah
• "You have all these things that are working for you. Here's the thing you have working against you - you have to be you that entire time." ~Burnie Burns
• "Are there any rules you want to put on me? Like, can I have you killed?" ~Burnie Burns
• "If only we had a device that would perform simple mathematical calculations for us." ~Burnie Burns
• "You're paying a thousand dollars to learn this lesson: that I have a low opinion of you." ~Burnie Burns
• "The best part is, I don't have to do anything but sit back and be snarky, which I do every day." ~Burnie Burns
• "Heavens to Trademark Violations! I'm being plagiarized!" ~Daws Butler, in response to a bad Snagglepuss imitation
• “I'm not a macho guy.” ~Gerard Butler
• "I would like to break out of this 'dark, brooding' image, cause I'm actually not like that at all. In Ireland, brooding is a term we use for hens. A brooding hen is supposed to lay eggs. Every time somebody says, 'He's dark and brooding,' I think, 'He's about to lay an egg'." ~Gabriel Byrne
• "All tragedies are finish'd by a death, All comedies are ended by a marriage." ~Lord Byron

C

• "And it should be said that no one handles this kind of stuff with more aplomb than [Brendan] Fraser. Handsome in a funny way, swaggering in a goofy way, Fraser gooses the movie with his deft comic timing." ~Jess Cagle on The Mummy
• "When you 'make good,' you find out who your real friends are. You find out pretty quick. And it's a very ambivalent feeling, because you're, like, happy you found out that people are [jerkfaces], but you're kinda sad because you think, 'Wow, I wasted so much time being this person's friend.'" ~Greg Camp
• "If I ever get married, I'd like to pick a place so hard to reach that only a few people would turn up--like the North Pole. A destination wedding weeds out all the people who might potentially get their noses out of joint, so only the troupers would be there." ~Billy Campbell
• “Science doesn’t argue with the intransigent objector to the laws of Nature. It simply proceeds without him. If he shouts a defiant ‘Over my dead body!’ it proceeds with perfect equanimity, and without the slightest hesitancy, over his dead body.” ~John W. Campbell
• “[Style is] a thing that is six stages more tenuous and about one tenth as definable as a ghost, and yet makes the difference between a ‘nice idea, too bad he can’t write’ and a bell-ringing, smash-hit yarn.” ~John W. Campbell
• “I dig Baltar's story. Partially because of the hot tub scenes with No. 6, but also because he's such a weasilly [jerk]. He gets himself in and out of the most whack situations.” ~Paul Campbell
• “Baltar is to No.6 as Clinton is to Lewinski (and I have the dress to prove it).” ~Paul Campbell (I’m still trying to figure out this analogy...)
• “There's nothing quite as dissatisfying as dedicating five months of your precious life to a steaming dung heap.” ~Paul Campbell
• “You don't know what a semi-colon does... sort of like my act.” ~Rob Cantrell
• “I will dance and frolic with my Fronkeys from here to eternity.” ~Rob Cantrell
• “I got booted out third, but to me [Last Comic Standing] was a lot like Rambo II...I don't really remember much...there was rats, people bombing, screaming, yelling, and a middle aged guy with a shaved chest got beat by somebody from the Viet Cong.” ~Rob Cantrell
• "Some people have an inner child that speaks to them. I have an inner old man who just yells random [stuff] at me all day." ~Rob Cantrell
• "I wish I could end every rap song I didn't like with a buzzer." ~Drew Carey
• "Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. I've been a people watcher. I like to go to malls and just sit, and I can't do that very easily anymore." ~Drew Carey on being famous
• “Trust me, kids – your homework can wait. Don’t need to be doing homework while Whose Line is on; skip it!” ~Drew Carey
• “On other shows when they get to the end of the scene, they yell ‘Cut!’ On Whose Line, we yell ‘That’s Enough!’” ~Drew Carey
• “Never make fun of the popular funny guy.” ~Drew Carey about Colin Mochrie
• “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” ~Drew Carey
• “Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.” ~Johnny Carson
• “I love the fact that I have a show where you can run over a kid and everyone busts out laughing.” ~Dave Chapelle
• “Chivalry is dead. Women killed it.” ~Dave Chappelle
• "Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot." ~Charlie Chaplain
• “I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.” ~Craig Charles
• “They give you a hard-light drive so you can do anything you want with your hands and what do you do with them...? You put them on your hips." ~Craig Charles to Chris Barrie
• “I remember you doin’ this in rehersals and me gettin’ really cheesed off about your impersonation of me, actually. We weren’t gettin’ on well at the time, and I was thinkin’, ‘I’m gonna punch you in a minute’.” ~Craig Charles on Chris Barrie’s impression of Lister in “Thanks for the Memory”
• “A room without books is like a body without a soul.” ~G.K. Chesterton
• “Either you repeat the same conventional doctrines everybody is saying, or else you say something true, and it will sound like it's from Neptune.” ~Noam Chomsky
• “If we choose, we can live in a world of comforting illusion.” ~Noam Chomsky
• “The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” ~Tom Clancy
• "Babylon 5...? I mean, that's a whole different show." ~Noel Clark
• "We don't look at people like that because it only encourages them." ~John Cleese
• “There's nothing good on the television; let's burn a witch. It must have been terribly exciting to live in those times." ~John Cleese
• “He who laughs most, learns best.” ~John Cleese
• “If you do something and people think you’re stupid, just go for crazy, because crazy people get more respect.” ~Louis C.K.
• “I hate when the ambulance drivers are laughing so hard you can hear them over the sirens.” ~Rob Cockerham
• “I slowly came to the realization that ‘really hot’ is not the same thing as ‘on fire’.” ~Rob Cockerham
• “It was now time to experience the Kool-Aid sour attack first-hand. Oh, this sucked. A few days later, I realized I could have used chocolate syrup for this experiment, instead of Kool-Aid powder. But for the moment, I was eating Kool-Aid.” ~Rob Cockerham
• "Sometimes I think that the only projects worth doing are the ones which require building a new tool." ~Rob Cockerham
• "When I say 'Scroll,' and your first thoughts are of an ancient papyrus text, maybe you shouldn't be on the webmaster team." ~Rob Cockerham
• “I’m not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does.” ~Stephen Colbert
• “I don’t get why the government is the only one that gets to print money.” ~Stephen Colbert
• “I have a Dreamsicle.” ~Stephen Corbet on January 16, 2006
• "I love the truth. It's facts I'm not a fan of." ~Stephen Colbert
• "We were hoping there would be more Prokofiev fans in the audience." ~Stephen Colbert
• "You think I'm retarded... Fair assumption." ~Stephen Colbert
• “Both of our wands contain the same piece of phoenix tail.” ~Stephen Colbert
• "I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father." ~Stephen Colbert
• “I’m impervious to logic.” ~Stephen Colbert
• “’Sympathy for the Devil’ is just another way of saying ‘Compassionate Conservative’.” ~Stephen Colbert
• “Kiera Knightley’s in [Dead Man’s Chest], but they dress her up as a boy because no one can be prettier than Orlando Bloom.” ~Stephen Colbert
• “They’ve already taken away the sugar, now they’re taking away the corn. What the [Tartarus] is left?!” ~Stephen Colbert on Pops, née Corn Pops, née Sugar Corn Pops
• “If we had waited, we would not have invaded. That’s true because it rhymes.” ~Stephen Colbert
• "As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!" ~Stephen Colbert
• “Tonight, I’ll look at ways to increase voter turnout, other than desirable candidates.” ~Stephen Colbert
• "If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd." ~Stephen Colbert
• "To [Tartarus] with him; he doesn't have a beard." ~Stephen Colbert
• "Oh good, it's not the Chupacabra, it's just roving packs of mutant, blood-drinking dogs. Sleep well, kids." ~Stephen Colbert
• "Should I give my baby to a grizzly bear? Yes! But first I should wrap him in salmon and honey." ~Stephen Colbert
• "When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter." ~Stephen Colbert
• "An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough." ~Stephen Colbert
• "That is a clock-gobbler." ~Stephen Colbert
• "I'm gonna say, 'Please come back'...I don't know if I mean it." ~Stephen Colbert
• "Hey, there are other shows to watch right now. I'm not making you stay." ~Stephen Colbert
• "Sesquipedalian? Just how many legs are you accusing him of having? The man is not a caterpillar." ~Stephen Colbert
• "Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta." ~Stephen Colbert
• "You are not invited to my home." ~Stephen Colbert to Leonard Nimoy
• "I teach Sunday school, [mofo]." ~Stephen Colbert
• "She's smiling, but in the way a jack-o-lantern smiles while you're carving it." ~Stephen Colbert about Hillary Clinton
• "Mmm... That tastes like freedom. It's like I'm holding a caucus in my mouth." ~Stephen Colbert on Doritos
• "Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?" ~Stephen Colbert
• "That could be a new flavour [of Doritos] - Papal Cheesy." ~Stephen Colbert
• "Couldn't they just flip a switch and reverse the polarity on that decision?" ~Stephen Colbert
• "As a rule, Germans shouldn't do comedy. Their last box office comedy was Nosferatu." ~Stephen Colbert
• "The pope is an old man, and his eyesight is poor. That is no reason to prank him with a koala." ~Stephen Colbert
• "I am a gangster hoss, and I will pop the truth in your ass." ~Stephen Colbert to Toby Keith
• "Warning: I may contain more than a trace amount of nut." ~Stephen Colbert
• "Football is American; why are the Romans numering our bowls?!" ~Stephen Colbert
• "I am so sorry for slavery, just take the spider off my head!" ~Stephen Colbert
• "Folks, my old nemesis is back. Of course, I am talking about the dictionary." ~Stephen Colbert
• "I'm beginning to suspect that Merriam and Webster were conjugating more than irregular verbs." ~Stephen Colbert
• "What's the state of racism in America? I'm gonna go with Alabama." ~Stephen Colbert
• "Can I quote you on that? Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Chief Medical Correspondent for CNN, 'Zombies are a good example.' Your next book should be “Zombies” by Dr. Sanjay, it would sell!" ~Stephen Colbert
• "I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck." ~Stephen Colbert
• "Who would win - Angel or Predator?" ~Stephen Colbert
• "How easy is it to swim through water? You run across water with two samurai swords strapped to your feet." ~Stephen Colbert comparing Katherine Reutter to Michael Phelps
• "Is it the first skate across the finish line? So technically I can just throw it across?" ~Stephen Colbert about speed skating
• "I'm afraid you have Cordozar Broadus. There's nothing we can do but prescribe you medical marijuana." ~Stephen Colbert
• "You have just been adorable, sir." ~Stephen Colbert to Snoop Dogg
• “I sometimes worry that all the beautiful things have been made.” ~Robbie Coltrane
• “I thought I was the coolest dad in the world when I got to be in a Bond film, but Harry Potter, too? Well, I think I qualify for a medal for exceptional parenting or something, don't you?” ~Robbie Coltrane
• “Do not float above me when I’m dying in the abyss!” ~Dane Cook
• “Talk soon, be well, keep laughing cause life can suck [a lot].” ~Dane Cook
• "Yeah, snarky. It's a word. Google it, it exists." ~Dane Cook
• "Here's what drove me banana sandwich..." ~Dane Cook
• "[Paul Cornell] has to find someone to fix a broken washing machine. It was squirting water across the kitchen last night, like unto slapstick." ~Paul Cornell
• "But the Fear (that sensation that all writers get of how the hell do words get from my puny little brain to into a book, and isn't magic somehow involved, and surely I'm not qualified to be involved in any part of that process, and I somehow managed that tomorrow, but you mean I have to do it this morning too, well how do I even start?) withdraws quite a bit when it's already light and lovely outside when I get to my desk. So I got right past that big moment today, and into the fun slide down towards the ending, yelling whee." ~Paul Cornell
• "The gap between the Doctor’s own ethics and the ethics of us fans, there’s a subject for a future blog." ~Paul Cornell
• "I don’t think [Russell T Davies] sits up at night worrying about canonicity, except for the times when I’m pretty sure he does." ~Paul Cornell
• “I'd write a spin-off series for Wellard's hat. (Laughs) I've thrown it away so many times it's probably gone on its own little journey. I'd have to do a little flashback to when I first got my hat. So I'd obviously, be in the first ten minutes of it.” ~Terence Corrigan in an interview with A&E
• “I thought ‘wimp.’ (Laughs)” ~Terence Corrigan about his character in Horatio Hornblower in an interview with A&E
• “The main purpose of the Scratch performances in the bed tracks is to inspire Tyler to play his [tail feathers] off.” ~Jim Creeggan
• “A lot of times people will say, ‘Well, gosh, you’re really good; you should try acting!’ And I say, ‘Come on! I’m thesping my little guts out over here.’” ~Jim Cummings

D

• “The worst thing is to get involved with people who aren't passionate about what they're doing.” ~Willem Dafoe
• "At conventions, one of the standard questions I get is, 'Are you writing any new novels?' To which I used to respond, in my smart-[alec] fashion, 'No, I've decided to write only old novels.'" ~Peter David
• "And to all of you, what it really comes down to is: If you're buying a book with my name on it, I feel I owe it to you to have it be the best book that I can make it." ~Peter David
• “To be a book-collector is to combine the worst characteristics of a dope fiend with those of a miser.” ~Robertson Davies
• "I dread the day I leave [Doctor Who], because then I'll have to go back to writing bedrooms and offices and pubs. And maybe a field, if I'm lucky." ~Russell T Davies
• "Fun, that's the word I keep on using. That's the word I worry about when other writer's scripts get too dark. Optimistic. Fun. And to be optimistic and have fun there's got to be a darkness there. I think that's a very British attitude." ~Russell T Davies
• "[David Tennant's] Doctor has such humanity, he seems to understand us and he's very warm, so he's a comforting Doctor to be with, and he enables us to be slightly scarier than we had been." ~Russell T Davies
• "Anything works, as long as you write it properly." ~Russell T Davies
• "It is pure 'Doctor Who' and so mad. You are watching it thinking, 'Star Trek can't do this! Even Star Wars can't do this.' All those things have spaceships and monsters, but this has a temp from Chiswick played by Catherine Tate, and Billie Piper with a great big gun. We have got Freema [Agyeman], who gets a remarkable story, and some of her best material ever. It plays to 'Doctor Who's' strength." ~Russell T Davies, looking back at the show
• "Not that he stands there going, 'In 1965, I pressed that button'...but you'd believe it if he did." ~Russell T Davies about David Tennant's fannishness
• "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a Spam." ~Jeff Davis
• “Ow.” ~Jeff Davis in response to “A doo-wop song about a girl named Peggy who died in a tragic taxidermy accident"
• “’Wherewithal’ is everything under the umbrella not covered by ‘smarts’.” ~Jeff Davis
• “If that spider eats you, I’m going to kill you.” ~Jeff Davis
• “Now is not the time for soundbites – I can feel the hand of history on my shoulder, even if I can't do the buttons up!” ~Peter Davison
• "I must admit I'm a bit old-fashioned and just wait for things to turn up. I really love getting offered a job - although I don't believe it's true until the costume designer rings me up." ~Peter Davison
• "I couldn't turn down the possibility of being the Doctor, I had to accept the part. You just think all the time 'am I ever going to work again? I am now playing a 750-year-old Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey, who is going to cast me in anything serious?'" ~Peter Davison
• "There was a chance - somebody dug up an old All Creatures Great And Small, script but [the BBC] didn't seem keen on doing it. Maybe they just thought we were too decrepit; I don't know!" ~Peter Davison
• “The sweetest of all sounds is that of the voice of the woman we love.” ~Jean de La Bruvère
• “I've never known any trouble that an hour's reading didn't assuage.” ~Charles De Secondat
• “I just wrote the book. That doesn’t make me a privileged interpreter.” ~Samuel R. Delaney
• "You really did just invite us to goof off. It's your own fault." ~Alexis Denisof to Joss Whedon about "Spin the Bottle"
• "Sometimes time constraints bring out something cool." ~Alexis Densiof
• "You're harshing my melon." ~Alexis Denisof
• "[David Boreanaz]'s got a very, very cute little giggle." ~Alexis Denisof
• "I think it's that they see some of my movies and feel sorry for me." ~Johnny Depp, discussing why he is popular with the ladies
• “I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.” ~Johnny Depp
• “With any part you play, there is a certain amount of yourself in it. There has to be, otherwise it's just not acting. It's lying.” ~Johnny Depp
• "[The huge success of Curse of the Black Pearl] made perfect sense to me on the one hand, and at the same time, it made no sense at all, which I kind of enjoyed. Even now, with the dolls and the cereal boxes and snacks and fruit juices, it all just feels fun to me, in a Warholian way. It's absurd. It doesn't get more absurd." ~Johnny Depp
• “[Jack Sparrow]’s a blast to play. I'll be in a deep, dark depression saying goodbye to him. I'll keep the costume and just prance around the house, entertain the kids....I mean, at a certain point, the madness must stop, but for the moment, I can't say that he's done." ~Johnny Depp
• "Any man who had to carry a child would cave in around month two." ~Johnny Depp
• “[Steven] Page's vocals are so velvety and seductive, I really don't care where his love disappeared to, because I'm more than ready to be his next one.” ~Gloria Diaz on “Have You Seen My Love?”
• “I want to write about people I love, and put them into a fictional world spun out of my own mind, not the world we actually have, because the world we actually have does not meet my standards.” ~Philip K. Dick
• “A lot of what I wrote, which looks like the result of taking acid, is really the result of taking van Vogt very seriously.” ~Philip K. Dick
• “The difference between construction and creation is exactly this: that a thing constructed can only be loved after it is constructed, but a thing created is loved before it exists.” ~Charles Dickens
• “What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.” ~Benjamin Disraeli
• “He said, ‘Well, yeah, we cast you because you’ve got weird eyes, David, but would you mind wearing these contact lenses?’” ~David Dixon
• “It’s funny because my friends and family watched [Battlestar Galactica] and they go, ‘You are SO that guy.’ And they say they can tell it was ad-libbed because ‘That’s just something Aaron would say.’ That’s what they all say to me and it’s really funny.” ~Aaron Douglas on playing Chief Tyrol
• “If you put some cameras in there and broadcast them across the internet you would have had a reality show like you have never seen. It would have been hilarious! Either that or it would have been profoundly boring.” ~Aaron Douglas on negotiations between Sci-Fi and Battlestar Galactica reps regarding whether the show would be picked up or not
• “It is always brave to say what everyone thinks.” ~Georges Duhamel
• "Have regrets. They are fuel. On the page they flare into desire." ~Geoff Dyer
• "Have more than one idea on the go at any one time. If it's a choice between writing a book and doing nothing I will always choose the latter. It's only if I have an idea for two books that I choose one rather than the other. I always have to feel that I'm bunking off from something." ~Geoff Dyer
• "In my 30s I used to go to the gym even though I hated it. The purpose of going to the gym was to postpone the day when I would stop going. That's what writing is to me: a way of postponing the day when I won't do it any more, the day when I will sink into a depression so profound it will be indistinguishable from perfect bliss." ~Geoff Dyer

E

• “Never judge a book by its movie.” ~J. W. Eagan
• "I like the flakes and you like the sugar frosting." ~Roger Ebert to Richard Roeper on Equilibrium
• "There is hardly a thing I can say in its favor, except that I was cheered by nearly every minute of it. I cannot argue for the script, the direction, the acting or even the mummy, but I can say that I was not bored and sometimes I was unreasonably pleased." ~Robert Ebert on The Mummy
• "I loved playing [the Doctor], and taking part in the basic essence and message of the series which is, it's a short life, seize it, and live it as fully as you can. Care for others. Be respectful of all other life forms, regardless of colour or creed. To be part of that was fantastic." ~Christopher Eccleston
• "I think they've just become more lovable as the years have gone on. They're really like Winnie the Pooh and his friends in a lot of ways. Except for the bouncing and stuff." ~Glen Eichler about the Daria cast
• “Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.” ~Albert Einstein
• “The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.” ~Albert Einstein
• “Success tends to make you forget what made you successful.” ~Michael Eisner in January, 1982
• “We have no obligation to make art. We have no obligation to make a statement. To make money is our only objective.” ~Michael Eisner
• “The company should be run from a creative point of view rather than a financial point of view.” ~Michael Eisner (ah, the irony is _delicious_)
• "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" ~Linda Ellerbee
• “There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.” ~Alice Thomas Ellis
• “Insanity destroys reason, but not wit.” ~Nathaniel Emmons
• “No, ma’am. Nice stops at midnight.” ~Bill Engvall
• “When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?” ~Bill Engvall
• “I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’” ~Bill Engvall
• "I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'" ~Bill Engvall
• "The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual." ~Bill Engvall
• "I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos." ~Bill Engvall
• "Remember, if you sit at your desk for 15 or 20 years, every day, not counting weekends, it changes you. It just does. It may not improve your temper, but it fixes something else. It makes you more free." ~Anne Enright
• “Only mind has sight and hearing; all things else are deaf and blind.” ~Epicharmus
• “Most new books are forgotten within a year, especially by those who borrow them.” ~Evan Esar
• “Are you really sure that a floor can't also be a ceiling?” ~M.C. Escher
• “He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.” ~M.C. Escher
• “Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible. I think it's in my basement...let me go upstairs and check.” ~M.C. Escher
• “We adore chaos because we love to produce order.” ~M.C. Escher
• "I'll take 'Things No One Knows' for 500." ~Chip Esten
• “Luke, I am your second uncle twice removed.” ~Chip Esten

F

• "I'm too old to die young and too young to grow up." ~Marty Feldman
• "Scotty was the only one on Star Trek we couldn't understand back in the old country. We thought he was a Pakastani who had a stroke." ~Craig Ferguson
• “I'm sure acting is a deeply neurotic thing to do.” ~Ralph Fiennes
• "Neil is very good at looking like he is getting the shit kicked out of him." ~Nathan Fillion
• "You guys are very, very clever, and I love taking the credit for your jokes." ~Nathan Fillion to the Whedon brothers
• "[Captain Hammer]'s so into himself that I think it's okay for him to be a little bit cheesy. And by 'a little,' I mean 122%." ~Nathan Fillion
• "People are always surprised when Joss kills characters. C'mon, man, look at the history. The guy loves to kill people." ~Nathan Fillion
• "I have a kind of neutrality, physically, which has helped me. I have a face that can be made to look a lot better - or a lot worse." ~Colin Firth
• “Colin is the sort of name you give your goldfish for a joke.” ~Colin Firth
• "I like playing strange characters. Some people might say it has something to do with a hidden part of myself, but I think it's a lot simpler than that: normal people are just not very interesting." ~Colin Firth
• "I can't understand it. I've never tried harder not to be sexy in my life." ~Colin Firth on post-Pride & Prejudice hysteria
• "And I'm floating there like some precambrian aquatic lifeform..." ~Colin Firth
• "'Cougar,' for the three people still blissfully unaware, is a slang term applied to women who date younger men. Men who date younger women, on the other hand, are typically described with a slightly less loaded term: 'men'." ~Jamison Foser
• "You can't help it. If you have pajamas on, you think, 'Yup, I've got pajamas on.' If you've got a tuxedo on, 'I've got a tuxedo on.' You put wings on...'Yup. I can fly.'" ~Ben Foster about playing Archangel
• “Just ask yourself, if we weren’t taught to be women, what would we be? (Ask yourself this question even if you’re a man, and don’t cheat by changing the words.)” ~Karen Fowler
• Once Jell-o becomes Jell-o, it is Jell-o for eternity.” ~Jeff Foxworthy
• "Once it becomes a physics problem it takes a little of the emotional sting out of it" ~Jeff Foxworthy
• "You mix stagnant pond water with raw sewage, you're not gettin' Evian..." ~Jeff Foxworthy on his children
• “How old are you?” ~Jeff Foxworthy to Larry the Cable Guy
• “Any job that posts a price list for your body parts is a bad job.” ~Jeff Foxworthy
• “I have a pretty good handle on who Jonathan Frakes is, but it seems to be an ongoing process to learn how to play him accurately.” ~Jonathan Frakes
• "Of course I was a dork, but that's OK. Because all the coolest people I know were dorks." ~Brendan Fraser
• “This is the way for me to do the things that I got kicked out of class for.” ~Brendan Fraser on acting
• “I think that the greatest thing about playing Ron is knowing you can never go too big.” ~Will Friedle
• “All the fun’s in how you say a thing.” ~Robert Frost
• "The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail." ~Steven Fry
• "It only takes a room of Americans for the English and Australians to realise how much we have in common." ~Stephen Fry

G

• "I'm more or less happily writing Chapter Six of The Graveyard Book. I say more or less as I'm at that place where I hope that the book knows what it's doing because right now I don't have a clue -- I'm writing one scene after another like a man walking through a valley in thick fog, just able to see the path a little way ahead, but with no idea where it's actually going to lead him." ~Neil Gaiman
• "Next post: is Dr Who actually a Fennec Fox? You be the judge..." ~Neil Gaiman
• "The oddest moment of today was finding a slip of paper in The Graveyard Book book I'm writing in, on stationary from the hotel I was in in Budapest in June, which listed everything that needed to happen in Chapter 7, including the climactic denouement which I was very proud of having come up with last week. Not sure whether this says something about my rubbish memory, or about the sometimes inevitable nature of storytelling. As in, 'Of course it went there, because that was where it was going to go.'" ~Neil Gaiman
• "I do it because it's fun. I do it because writing is, like death, a lonely business. I do it because I've never managed to keep a diary, and because it's amazingly useful being able to search the blog and find out when I was last in Finland (say)." ~Neil Gaiman on blogging
• "What I did was put some sweet rice in a bowl, then add some raw sugar, a smidge of salt and then pour in some local milk. Then I shoved the bowl in an oven, and when I took it out a while later I had a perfect rice pudding. Thrice. The fourth time, having mentioned it on this blog, I figured I'd actually work out the amounts and immortalise it, at which point it all went wrong. It worked fine as long as I was doing it by eye, but was doomed the moment I started to try and pay attention to what I was doing. It's like one of those particles that you can know where it is or how fast it's going, but not both. I can apparently cook rice pudding well or keep track of times and quantities but not both...." ~Neil Gaiman
• "I have world class photographic red-eye pretty much all the time. As a general rule, if it's taken with a flash, I look like I am possessed by the blazing forces of darkness, at least in the eye department." ~Neil Gaiman
• "Dinner with Steven Moffat in Bar Shu, spent mostly in enthusiastic Dr Who neepery. I love my life....As a side note, running Windows Vista on the Panasonic w7 is making me really nostalgic for 1986. Whoever thought I'd get to type things then stare at a blank screen for a bit and one-by-one watch the letters appear? Cory and Mike's 'Why Don't You Run Linux?' talks are staring to seem much more sensible." ~Neil Gaiman
• "I wasn't the first writer to create a young magician with potential, nor was Rowling the first to send one to school. It's not the ideas, it's what you do with them that matters. Genre fiction, as Terry Pratchett has pointed out, is a stew. You take stuff out of the pot, you put stuff back. The stew bubbles on." ~Neil Gaiman's response to a question about whether he was upset with Rowling for "ripping him off"
• "As for thinking time versus writing time, well, that's up to you. But -- and I wish it were otherwise -- books don't get written by thinking about them, they get written by writing them. And that's when you make discoveries about what you're writing. That's when you get the happy accidents." ~Neil Gaiman
• "I know that David Tennant's Hamlet isn't till July. And lots of people are going to be doing Dr Who in Hamlet jokes, so this is just me getting it out of the way early, to avoid the rush... 'To be, or not to be, that is the question. Weeelll.... More of A question really. Not THE question. Because, well, I mean, there are billions and billions of questions out there, and well, when I say billions, I mean, when you add in the answers, not just the questions, weeelll, you're looking at numbers that are positively astronomical and... for that matter the other question is what you lot are doing on this planet in the first place, and er, did anyone try just pushing this little red button?' There. Thanks. Sorry about that." ~Neil Gaiman
• "Look, if it ever gets to the point where I know that I'm actually, definitely, for certain, writing an episode of Doctor Who, I'll post it here. In big red letters. Or green. You'll know when it happens, trust me. I may even get Maddy to write the entry for me, and include photographs of cats doing amusing things in it. It'll be a proper blog post. Promise." ~Neil Gaiman
• "[I spent] much of my time reminding Matt Groening that I really need to be a head in a jar on Futurama." ~Neil Gaiman
• "When I was about ten my favourite article in the huge and mouldering Encyclopedia Britannica we owned (the ninth edition) was the one on Lycanthropy. (Yes, I had a favourite 1890s Britannica article when I was ten. I am now aware this is not entirely usual.)" ~Neil Gaiman
• "Remember when the e-petition to have Alan Moore honoured went up? The Prime Minister's office has responded -- although not with the proper response, which would have been 'YES! WHAT A FINE IDEA! WE SHALL MAKE HIM OFFICIAL WIZARD OF ALL ENGLAND AND SET HIM TO TURNING LEAD INTO GOLD! WITH AN OFFICIAL POINTY HAT!' But at least they don't actually rule it out." ~Neil Gaiman
• "Right. Back to the day. Too many people to see, or at least, look at blearily..." ~Neil Gaiman
• "It's an odd tee shirt, not very pretty, with a square and a pattern on it, bought in Brighton walking from the train station to the Metropole hotel in 1987. It's actually a misprint. I bought it because it was a little odd, and very cheap, and I felt sorry for it, little knowing that I was soon going to have to start writing comics to fund my newfound black tee shirt addiction." ~Neil Gaiman on his historic first black t-shirt
• "Books make great gifts because they have whole worlds inside them. And it's much cheaper to buy someone a book than it is to buy them the world." ~Neil Gaiman
• "'I shall stay in bed for ever, answering email,' I told them, amiably. 'It's cold out there.'" ~Neil Gaiman
• "There are now toy weeping angels. This seems right and proper. On the other hand, the Coraline stuff from Hardees/Carl Jrs makes me feel like I've slipped into a strange alternate universe because it has nothing to do with me at all -- it just exists, and I kind of hope it will make kids happy, and that some of them may even be moved to find the book but... I dunno. Still processing that one. It's not bad. It just is." ~Neil Gaiman
• "Sometimes I think that ideas float through the atmosphere like huge squishy pumpkins, waiting for heads to drop on." ~Neil Gaiman
• "I know. Volume not weight. Please don't write in and tell me. It was a joke. It wasn't even a good joke. Do not waste the time you could be spending to make the world a better place telling me why my dog is not a bushel." ~Neil Gaiman, who obviously knows the internet
• "It's selling like (I'd say hot cakes, but I've honestly never seen people going, 'Are these cakes hot? Then I will buy all of them!' in real life)" ~Neil Gaiman
• "I have a really high tolerance level for twits. I really do." ~Neil Gaiman
• "You know, I'm normally so sanguine. But... being accused of rushing these two books out to cash in on the Newbery Medal, without access to time travel equipment or anything, just makes me want to bang my forehead gently against a tree for half an hour. Is it too much to ask people to think?" ~Neil Gaiman
• "I'm never quite sure if I'm me when I'm dressed up." ~Neil Gaiman
• "Sometimes I love writing dialogue too much, and I would write scenes where people talk but nothing happens. And I know I have to write the Stuff Happens bits too." ~Neil Gaiman
• "And my dog found a stick, which was the best stick any dog had ever found in the whole of history. There never was such a stick." ~Neil Gaiman
• "Lots of writing in the small hours of the morning, with odd DVDs on the TV for company, of the kind where you wind up half-watching the never-watched DVD extras because you can't be bothered to go upstairs and find a new DVD, and then you suddenly find yourself watching Val Singleton making a Dalek Cake out of a swiss roll, liquorice allsorts and some Smarties at 4.00am." ~Neil Gaiman
• "Enjoy it. Don't worry. Enjoy it. And at the start of your career, you don't have much money, and you don't have any work, but you have an awful lot of time. Use it. Because if you're successful, you will have lots of everything except time." ~Neil Gaiman about writing
• "There really is a magic that translation websites add to our lives, isn't there? I don't really know what you wanted, but if I had I doubt I would have enjoyed it anywhere near as much." ~Neil Gaiman replying to a hideously incomprehensible email
• "A world in which a dozen people immediately write to me on Twitter to point out that I've got it wrong, as they are all writing Vampire stories, in which Vampires are now everywhere, is a world in which High Vampire Season is coming to an end. You shouldn't be glutted with vampires: they should be a spice, not a food group." ~Neil Gaiman
• "[I] will eventually grow up and get a real job. Until then, will keep making things up and writing them down." ~Neil Gaiman
• "Oops. I have started blogging. I will stop now, and sleep for a little while." ~Neil Gaiman
• "I long ago resigned myself to being an inky-fingered scribbler." ~Neil Gaiman
• “Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem.” ~John Galsworthy
• “One's eyes are what one is, one's mouth is what one becomes.” ~John Galsworthy
• “Paranoia is just reality on a finer scale.” ~Phil Gant
• "Piccolo players don't go deaf from playing the piccolo. They go deaf from people yelling at them, telling them to stop!" ~Meg Gasque
• "I hate losing laughs; they're rare things." ~Terry Gilliam
• “That was the most violent food experience I’ve had in my life.” ~Paul Gilmartin after a hot dog exploded on him
• "My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon." ~Greg Giraldo
• “[The NRA is] not pro-gun, they’re anti-varmint.” ~Greg Giraldo
• “If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there’d be a lot less cello music, for example.” ~Greg Giraldo
• “The Virgin Mary...We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.” ~Greg Giraldo
• “All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake’s career.” ~Greg Giraldo
• “I’d vote for myself because I couldn’t possibly suck as bad as our other options.” ~Greg Giraldo
• "That's how cleavage works. It's not a smart bomb." ~Greg Giraldo
• “Poor Terrence is a fabulous actor. He’s only 21, and he has a terrible giggle when he’s trying to be serious.” ~Philip Glenister
• “Hobbs is like that school bully kind, really nasty sort of streak, picking on the small guy. I can’t defend Hobbs there, he’s just an out-and-out bully, and he should be shot. (Laughs)” ~Philip Glenister
• "I always wanted to entertain. When I was 6, a scrawny, scrawny kid, I'd get in my red speedo and do muscle moves. I actually thought I was muscular. I didn't know everyone was laughing at me." ~Ryan Gosling
• "Jay and Silent Bob and I." ~Michael Greaves when it was suggested that Kevin Smith might make a good adaptation of Withnail and I
• "[Doctor Who fans] list lists." ~Michael Greaves
• "If you know anybody that's miserable, you just need to have Barbara come and have a go at them, because she's very good at that." ~Michael Greaves
• "They had two p and a packet of licorice all sorts to do it with." ~Paul Greaves on the Doctor Who budget
• "Doctor Who fans list everything." ~Paul Greaves
• “People think that the floor is something to transport you from one room to another, when, in reality, it’s the biggest shelf in the house.” ~Theo Greenley
• "For god's sake, don't touch the phlebotenum in jar C!" ~David Greenwalt
• “Look! Those are Ryan’s shoes!” ~Kathy Greenwood’s Other Things You Can See from the Moon Besides the Great Wall of China
• "Sarah Palin is to women what John Wayne Gacy was to birthday clowns." ~David Allan Greer
• "Can you imagine a story this stupid being on television?" ~Dave Gorman about his own show
• "Buy Space Ghost cereal, but don't eat the prizes." ~Matt Groening
• “Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.” ~Matt Groening
• “Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.” ~Matt Groening
• “A few people have said that I should change my name and the spelling so that people can say it, but I don’t want to, I like it the way it is.” ~Ioan Gruffudd
• "A Welsh dictionary, so the language doesn't die out, a Welsh flag, and myself - I presume this is a time capsule that will preserve me?" ~Ioan Gruffudd when asked what three things he would put in a time capsule
• "I'm determined not to lose my name. It's who I am. It has neither aided my progress nor hampered it. It's just who I am. My character. . . My make-up. My culture and heritage is a very rich one. So what if it's difficult for people to pronounce? We all learned how to say Schwarzenegger." ~Ioan Gruffudd
• "Yeah, I was lucky because I didn't have to spend hours in freezing water." ~Ioan Gruffudd on Titanic
• "The [bottoms] on the trousers aren't very tight. They're very loose and baggy, and I like tight trousers. And the shoes - the shoes have got a bit of a heel, and it's a strange sensation for a man. Especially when you're running. [He mimes a mincing trot.] 'I am mighty Hornblower! Watch me run like a girl!'" ~Ioan Gruffudd
• "Being attractive, it's not something that I do consciously. It's something that people project on to you. It's incredibly flattering that people think that I appeal to women. But that was a gift from my parents. My acting and my personality - that's what it's about." –Ioan Gruffudd
• "'King Arthur’ was so much fun to make because I was on horseback playing a knight, brandishing two swords. It was like being a kid again." ~Ioan Gruffudd
• “If you're 26 years old and you're waking up under Star Wars sheets, the Force is not with you." ~Gary Gulman

H

• "You're kind of a miracle of consistency...But in the real world, things change." ~David Hadju to Stephen Colbert
• “I’m a professor at MIT. Why would I need a doctorate?” ~Joe Haldeman
• “You’re competing for the readers’ disposable funds. Are they going to buy your book or a six-pack?” ~Joe Haldeman
• "[Spielberg and I] had a disagreement over what God was....He thought God was Stephen Spielberg, but that thought had never occurred to me." ~Joe Haldeman
• “The thing is to make your own imagining real to you.” ~Joe Haldeman on writing
• "Sometimes he doesn't have to say anything, he just looks funny." ~Laura Hall about Colin Mochrie
• "I get tired a lot and I have pregnancy brain, which I never realized was a thing but it is. I sort of feel like a Koala bear where I'm slightly stoned all the time and I'll say the wrong word." ~Alyson Hannigan
• "This gets pretty freaky here." ~Chris Hansen
• "Here's what's tricky - trying to figure out how to cross my fingers with those gloves." ~Neil Patrick Harris about Dr. Horrible
• "May I suggest a drinking game where everytime I do a ridiculously long awkward blink, someone does a shot of some kind of alcohol?" ~Neil Patrick Harris
• "It's quite an effort to try and steal the focus from Nathan Fillion." ~Neil Patrick Harris
• "How do you stomp around like you're 2,000 pounds in the span of two-and-a-half seconds singing like a chipmunk?" ~Neil Patrick Harris
• "I sound like this is an infomercial for the thing, which is weird because I really do love the songs that much. I'm a nerd. I listen to it a lot." ~Neil Patrick Harris about Dr. Horrible
• "You can't say 'coldcocked'...when you're talking about Gay Man of the Decade." ~Neil Patrick Harris
• "One of the great things about Doctor Who is that you don't have to be a member of the US Navy or be on the Starship Enterprise for cool stuff to happen to you." ~James Hawes
• “I’m not lonely, I just don’t like people.” ~Robert Hawkins
• “I was always the quietest one in the family and I ended up in a rock band. Go figure." ~Kevin Hearn
• “A carpenter without cuts on his hands is not a carpenter. He’s an observer.” ~Stuart Heaton
• “If you’re flammable and have legs, you’re never blocking a fire exit.” ~Mitch Hedberg
• “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day.” ~Mitch Hedberg
• “You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with ‘em later.” ~Mitch Hedberg
• “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.” ~Mitch Hedberg
• “My friend said to me, he said, ‘I think the weather is trippy,’ and I said ‘No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy. Perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is, indeed, trippy.’ Then I thought, ‘Man, I shoulda just said, “Yeah”.’” ~Mitch Hedberg
• “It's like x didn't have enough to do so they had to promise it more. We will give you a cool starring role in tic-tac-toe, and you will be equated with hugs and kisses, and you will mark the spot. And you will make writing Christmas easier.” ~Mitch Hedberg
• "When it comes to matters beyond your specialties you are consistently and brilliantly stupid. You come out with some of the [gosh-darndest] flat-footed opinions with respect to matters which you haven't studied and have had no experience, basing your opinions on casual gossip, newspaper stories, unrelated individual data out of matrix, armchair extrapolation, and plain misinformation--unsuspected because you haven't attempted to verify it." ~Robert Heinlein to his editor
• “Do not let a woman with a sexy rump deceive you with wheedling and coaxing words; she is after your barn.” ~Hesiod
• "Please don't punch my laptop." ~Joel Heyman
• "I'd still look like that now if I hadn't met women." ~Frazer Hines on his days as Jamie
• “Once expanded to the dimensions of a larger idea, [the mind] never returns to its original size.” ~Oliver Wendell Holmes
• “Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed.” ~Oliver Wendell Holmes
• "The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract." ~Oliver Wendell Holmes
• “If there were ever two sentences that you will not respond well to, ‘Don’t move. There’s a snake behind your foot,’ is it.” ~Warren Hutcherson
• “Any day we create that much shrapnel is a good day.” ~Jamie Hyneman
• “Gentlemen, thaw your chickens.” ~Jaime Hyneman
• “I always enjoy seeing Adam [Savage] in pain.” ~Jamie Hyneman
• “Y'know, that's about one of the most destructive things I've ever done. That was cool.” ~Jamie Hyneman after shooting a frozen chicken at an airplane windshield
• “Don’t mess with me, duck. When I say “Quack,” you’re gonna quack, right? I’m the boss here. I don’t want no beak.” ~Jamie Hyneman
• “Quack, [dagnab] you!” ~Jamie Hyneman
• "I don't know if I can handle this - we're using this item in the way it was intended." ~Jamie Hyneman

I

• "The Dark Arts teacher did it." ~Iain of Shakesville Manor
• “I’ve got soggy thighs. It must be dinner time.” ~Eric Idle
• “At least we brought them all together for the first time.” ~Eric Idle about the diversity in religious denominations protesting “The Life of Brian”
• “It’s just stupid. I mean, there’s no reason for any of it. Why are the Vikings there? Why are they dressed as Vikings? Why are they singing love songs to pressed meat?” ~Eric Idle about... If you need to be told what it’s about, you wouldn’t find the humor in it, anyway
• “Oh Death, Oh Death/Thou art so unfair/To take away Sonny/And still leave us Cher.” ~Eric Idle

J

• "Do I believe in ghosts?...I am prepared to consider evidence and accept it if it satisfies me." ~M.R. James
• “If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend." ~Richard Jeni
• "If you look at the lyrics, they're raunchy. They're WRONG." ~Stephan Jenkins about...almost certainly a Third Eye Blind song, but I'm not sure which
• “I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” ~Jerome K. Jerome
• “It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.” ~Jerome K. Jerome
• "In fact, Bedquilt is 'nearby' Colossal Cave only in the sense that your back door is 'nearby' your house." ~Dennis G. Jertz
• "[Mos Def] makes me not trust...Hollywood....I don't have a problem with Mos Def...I just have a problem with Mos Def as Ford Prefect. The same way I would have a problem with anyone who can't speak English." ~Jick from Kingdom of Loathing
• "It can be funny or it can be consistent, but it can't be both." ~Jick from Kingdom of Loathing
• “Why is it that everyone who's been in Red Dwarf is more famous than us?" ~Danny John-Jules about the main cast
• "I like [Christopher Eccleston's] company and he likes mine, because I don't fuss – he does like a non-fussing make-up person – he's a big hairy northerner, he doesn't want you going in and faffing with his hair, and I completely understand that, because I don't like that myself. He only wants five minutes in the chair – it's like trying to get a whippet ready!" ~Davy Jones
• “There seems to be a story going about at the moment, to the effect that feminist SF isn’t real science fiction at all—it is a raid on the genre. These ruthless female bandits, post-holocaust amazons no doubt (many of them without so much as a single degree in astrophysics). They’ve never written SF before and they come along, smash open the science fiction shop front, and run off with all the high tech gear. They chuck away most of it after they’ve tried to eat it, found you can’t use circuit boards as sanitary towels and so on. They keep a few of the little bitty glass bead things to wear in their nipple rings.” ~Gwyneth Jones
• “Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.” ~Erica Jong
• “The worst thing about reading new books is that they keep us from reading the old ones.” ~Joseph Joubert
• “Just because you're in a relationship and we're not does not give you ultimate authority to judge our (lack of) love lives and nod with Ghandi-esque wisdom as to our assured future. Just leave us alone, and we'll stop stealing your firstborn in exchange for spun gold, okay?” ~Justin from Mutant Reviewers From Hell
• “Guys, I know Hugh Grant scares you. Rest assured, he gets punched multiple times in the face in [Bridget Jones’ Diary]. That should be enough to comfort you.” ~Justin from MRFH
• “Attention filmmakers: if you're building up to a final confrontation with a before-unseen monster, you better make it look scarier than [Tartarus] itself.” ~Justin from MRFH
• “Many of us were too young to know Schwarzenegger in his salad days as [Conan the Barbarian], but we now know that we are certainly old and mature enough to take this piece of classic Western filmmaking and MST3K the hell out of it.” ~Justin of MRFH
• “I figure that if you're stupid enough to not realize that these are stunt people — perhaps insane, drunken and male out of the wazoo, but stunt people nonetheless — then nature is just itchin' to deselect you out of the order of things.” ~Justin of MRFH on Jackass
• "Hey, come back here and stop conforming when I'm talking to you!" ~Justin of MRFH
• "Horror monsters don't have a palate for fine food, and they generally make rotten vegans." ~Justin from MRFH
• "Young Coraline (voiced by Dakota Fanning) is despondent over a family move to the rainy Pacific northwest – I don’t know why she’s down, at least now she can fall in love with a sparkly vampire and have lots of non-sexual snugglies." ~Justin from MRFH

K

• “It’s true - there are some games that little children should not play, but I am a grown-up lady, and I need to shoot [stuff]. I think it’s better that it happen fictionally.” ~Jackie Kashian
• “I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.” ~Garrison Keillor
• “Two things they talk about a lot in the Bible are wine...and [stuff] that’s hard to believe. I think the wine came first.” ~Dwayne Kennedy
• “Nothing pains some people more than having to think.” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.
• "I think every American actor wants to be a movie star. But I never wanted to do stupid movies, I wanted to do films. I vowed I would never do a commercial, nor would I do a soap opera -- both of which I did as soon as I left the [Acting] Company and was starving." ~Kevin Kline
• “The memory of Kalliope, the epic Muse, is erratic and selective...She sings, like Achilles, klea andron, the famous deeds of men, but magnificent though her song may be, we cannot take it as truth unless it is confirmed by her sister Kleio, the Muse of History.” ~Bernard Knox
• “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” ~Krishnamurti
• “[Brandon Flowers] was the only person to reply to my ad who wasn’t a complete freak...” ~David Kuening
• “In a mad world, only the mad are sane.” ~Akira Kurosawa
• “A skeptic is one who is willing to question any truth claim, asking for clarity in definition, consistency in logic, and adequacy of evidence.” ~Philosopher Paul Kurtz
• "I think even Bill and Ted skipped [Homeric] times, and Doctor Who always brought his own tea. No wants to go back to those times, do they? It’s cool to write fiction about those times, but it’s only cool when you’re writing the stuff in air-conditioned goodness. " ~Kyle from MRFH
• "If millions and millions of dedicated [Harry Potter] fans are mindlessly happy with the films we're getting, then my voice is going to get drowned out. And you know what? That's totally, utterly fine. More 'Doctor Who' for me!" ~Kyle of MRFH

L

• "I have an action figure, and so do my parents, so it's odd that we all have these dolls of ourselves. It's a little bit surreal but kind of fun. You can play with the whole family." ~Juliet Landau
• "A meerkat is regarded as the prairie dog of the southern African plains. It is known for its wonderful disposition and its ability to perform elaborate musical numbers on the Serengeti." ~Nathan Lane
• “If guns kill people, I can blame misspelled words on my pencil.” ~Larry the Cableguy
• “Sometimes you’ve gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck.” ~Larry the Cable Guy
• “For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.” ~Doug Larson
• “Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.” ~Doug Larson
• ""Why do we think the people on stage are the only ones having fun?" ~Jeanne Marie Laskas
• “It's that horrible "boonk" noise it makes when it hits the [phracking] floor.” ~Simon Le Bon on dropping the mic during a concert
• “The reader can’t take much for granted in a fiction where the scenery can eat the characters.” ~Ursula K. Le Guin
• “Catastrophic destruction is the desired outcome of most Mythbusters experiments.” ~Robert Lee
• “That’s enough history...time for a gratuitous explosion.” ~Robert Lee
• “In the interest of science – and shooting stuff – Adam fires his paper crossbow again.” ~Robert Lee
• “Parodic writing can be defined as triangular desire – the desire of a subject (parodist) only projected into a text (parodying) by the detour of another text (parodied).” ~Claude Leroy
• “Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.” ~David Letterman
• “There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” ~Oscar Levant
• “…the result has been far more positive in America. I mean, the amount of women in America…they love the uniforms! (Laughs.)” ~Robert Lindsay
• "[Imelda Staunton]'s a little more attractive than I pictured Umbridge, but that's okay because I always pictured Kingsley as a bit more Shaft and Lupin without the cardigans and Sirius without the pimp coats." ~Lissa of MRFH
• "How bad is David Thewlis going to have to look in the next movie? He already looked about ready to keel over here." ~Lissa of MRFH on Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
• “Life is like a box of chocolates. And I’m gonna eat every [smegging] one.” ~Loni Love
• “All of us who make motion pictures are teachers, teachers with very loud voices.” ~George Lucas
• "The way David [Tennant] has fun with his language is just astonishing. And surprising." ~Euros Lyn

M

• "All the people throughout my life who were naysayers [ticked] me off. But they've all given me a fervor; an angry ambition that cannot be stopped - and I look forward to finding a therapist and working on that." ~Tobey Maguire
• "Oh, that's an interesting piece of codswallop." ~David Maloney commenting on one of Frazer Hines' comments in "The Mind Robber" commentary
• "The idea was that [The Doctor’s] character should be that of a space hobo." ~David Maloney
• “Heights don't bother me...It's falling and cracking my skull that freaks me out.” ~Jason Marsden
• "Directing while acting in a scene - very strange. Meta." ~James Marsters
• "I'm just getting to know myself. I'm no wherwhere near to being concise about it yet. I can't define myself. Wait a minute - I'm angry, I'm funny and I'm trying." ~James Marsters
• "They used me as needed on Buffy. If they needed a wacky neighbor, they used me. If they needed a villain, they used me. If they needed a lover, they used me that way. It was my job to reconcile it all into one character and that was the challenge." ~James Marsters
• "I always argue for not straying from the text. I don't like Shakespeare productions on Mars! Romeo and Juliet should be set in Verona and at the time dictated by Shakespeare. Shakespeare had a 700 year history to draw from, he had good reason to choose the places and times he did. I feel no pressure to come up with something original but rather to just be true to Bill Shakespeare. I am a slave to Shakespeare's original intention!" ~James Marsters
• "Bad habit, lying around with your eyes closed. That's when they get you." ~James Marsters
• "Every author has a different flavor and style, they taste different - each of them. To me all of the Shakespeare that I’ve done, including staged reading, auditions and plays, all of it tastes the same." ~James Marsters on the Shakespeare authorship controversy
• "The teeth sucked – they forced you to mumble and slur when you were trying to be inhumanly cool." ~James Marsters
• "Andy [Hallett] was a real man - you can tell an adult by how they deal with pain or adversity. Andy’s eyeballs gave him searing pain all day every day because of the contacts they used. He was every moment a gentlemen; laughing and joking, wiping the tears from his eyes." ~James Marsters
• "Star Trek came first of course and Star Trek gives me hope for the future. Star Wars rekindled a deep mythology - Star Wars is basically a thousand year old story. It's amazing that it made so much money because we've been told that story a thousand times - but it's just such a good story." ~James Marsters
• "Oh!! Totally NOT Ginger! Mary Ann. Totally NOT Ginger! Mary Ann. Totally Mary Ann. Because Ginger would never be true to you. I live in Hollywood. I know!" ~James Marsters, who apparently shares at least a few things with Spike
• "I tend to be emotional when... I breathe." ~James Marsters
• "Clowns make me… Think." ~James Marsters
• "I don’t know if any of us are mature enough to handle the brutal honesty of what’s inside other people's heads." ~James Marsters
• "For me, chemistry is trust. If you have trust you can risk together. It’s like a partnership and it means you can have fun together while jumping off a mountain. I have not always been able to get good trust with an acting partner. One of the best was Juliet Landau; I always felt safe with her. Chemistry has nothing to do with physical attraction – that often gets in the way." ~James Marsters
• "I think Buffy tried to sleep with Spike but Spike wouldn't have her. He really didn't trust her. He said they should just be friends." ~James Marsters
• "Always communicate no matter how hard it is to tell someone something's wrong. It's worse not to talk about it. I learn this every few years. The truth hurts for 3 days. Lack of truth hurts your whole life." ~James Marsters
• "I would be in a morgue if I would have come to LA straight from Juilliard. I would have made Lindsay Lohan look like Dakota Fanning." ~James Marsters
• "One of the best things about humans is we recognize patterns, so we get things like science, music, philosophy. One of the worst things is that we see patterns that are not there so we get things like racism, homophobia and Jerry Falwell." ~James Marsters
• "I’m happy when my acting is simple - that is when Spike is most potent, when the words come out." ~James Marsters
• “The piñata promotes violence towards flamboyant animals.” ~Demetri Martin
• “Whenever I try to spell ‘banana,’ I feel stupid because I don’t know when to end it.” ~Demetri Martin
• “I was a dorkataur.” ~Demetri Martin
• "It should be rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick, scissors." ~Demetri Martin
• "I just think it's weird that one group took refracted light." ~Demetri Martin on the Rainbow Coalition
• “Love is a dirty trick played on us to achieve the continuation of the species.” ~W. Somerset Maugham
• “The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.” ~W. Somerset Maugham
• “Perhaps shrewdly realizing that genre clichés are nothing if not for reinventing, Badelt delivers his rhythmically nervous Eurocentric sensibilities--sort of Holst duels Shostakovich on the Spanish Main--with the subtlety of a scorching cannonball.” ~Jerry McCulley on Klaus Badelt’s score for Pirates of the Caribbean
• "I think it's part of human nature to find the silliest stuff to freak the [phrack] out over." ~Melissa McEwan
• "Seriously, People of Earth: Please universally legalize same-sex marriage so I can stop writing awkward sentences like that. Yeah, that's right—since appeals to reason haven't seemed to work, I'm now appealing to what I believe is an innate human need to read well-written blog posts." ~Melissa McEwan
• “[I]t lifted her heart to think of the stories being written now, new stories, stories of the Free. That was why writing was so important.” ~Suzy McGee Charnas
• “[Colin Firth] makes haughty so [darned] sexy.” ~Sharon McGuire
• “It may be my rather puritanical upbringing at odds with my inborn laziness that makes me feel guilty at the end of the day, unless I am able to point at some achievement. But this need be no more impressive than cooking a meal or going for a long walk.” ~Sir Ian McKellan
• “Try and understand what part you have to play in the world in which you live. There's more to life than you know and it's all happening out there. Discover what part you can play and then go for it.” ~Sir Ian McKellan
• “The essence of what makes life beautiful is the fact that it can go away.” ~Carlos Mencia
• "The problem with the world is there's too many stupid people and nobody to eat them." ~Carlos Mencia
• “Do not encourage my behaviour.” ~Carlos Mencia
• “I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes all sports hates common sense.” ~H.L. Mencken
• “I am still learning.” ~Michelangelo at age 85
• “English humor resembles the Loch Ness Monster in that both are famous but there is a strong suspicion that neither exists. Here the similarity ends: the Loch Ness Monster seems to be a gentle beast and harms no one; English humour is cruel.” ~George Mikes
• "Ever have a day where you look at someone being torn apart in a zombie movie and you envy them?" ~R.K. Milholland
• "Nothing as wince-inducing as reading things you wrote ten years ago." ~R.K. Milholland
• "Ed Wood served a great purpose - mainly making writers feel better about their work." ~Randy Milholland
• "Can I shoot your gun?" ~Roger Miller when asked by a cop to see his driver's license
• "There's too many variables to go live. I would never recommend any artist go live, because the slightest glitch would devastate the performance." ~Superbowl pre-show producer Rickey Minor (oh, AMERICA...)
• "What if hamsters fought in the American Revolution?" ~Colin Mochrie
• "THE CAT!!!!!!" ~Colin Mochrie
• "Let me play a man in a scene." ~Colin Mochrie
• "If Sting retires, would he have to change his name to Stung?" ~Colin Mochrie
• "This courtroom is a Mochrie..." ~Colin Mochrie
• "It all started with a badly timed bald joke." ~Colin Mochrie
• "If you call now, we'll send you one of Ryan Stiles' shoes, which comfortably seats 4." ~Colin Mochrie
• "Help! They're making me do hats. I want to go home." ~Colin Mochrie
• “And if that isn’t the truth, it would be a lie.” ~Colin Mochrie
• "We're going to have to amputate Ryan Stile's legs because he's too tall." ~Colin Mochrie (I'm fairly sure this is misquoted, but it's a fairly close approximation)
• “Oddly enough, that show closed three hours before it opened.” ~Colin Mochrie
• “Is God a FIREman?!” ~Colin Mochrie in response to “Will God save us?”
• “SHUT UP AND TOUCH THE MONKEY!” ~Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles
• “You know, in the 1970s when I was in high school, I was a member of a band called the “Happy Funk Band,” until an unfortunate typo got us expelled from school.” ~Colin Mochrie
• “You tolerate me! You really, really tolerate me!” ~Colin Mochrie
• “At least you got to keep your hair! I lost mine in the settlement!” ~Colin Mochrie aka Bitter Divorced Kid
• “I’m Jack. Look, we’re too poor to have a last name, alright?!” ~Colin Mochrie
• "When you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling them up in a carpet, and burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead." ~Colin Mochrie
• “[Darn] duck.” ~Colin Mochrie
• “Why are there so many trees in the jungle?” ~Colin Mochrie
• “I believe it was the great William Shakespeare who said, ‘All the world’s a stage, and you are [crud].’” ~Colin Mochrie
• "The Doctor...is embarrassingly human for an alien." ~Stephen Moffat
• "I came back from Australia and saw Russell [T. Davies]'s outline for Series Two [of Doctor Who] – Cybermen, Satan Pits, werewolves...yes, please. And what did I get? Frocks! I mean what? What? The only way to do it really was to go for a love story and start it off on a fifty-first-century spaceship just to prove I’d read the brief! There was part of me thinking that if I was a little boy I'd have been really hacked off if I'd heard, 'Next week it's Madame de Pompadour and we're in eighteenth-century France.' So I figured I'd get a spaceship in there!" ~Stephen Moffat
• "[Madame de Pompadour] was very clever and witty and smart and actually trained to be the consort to a megalomaniac. So there you go, that's Doctor Who’s girlfriend, that is." ~Stephen Moffat
• "When in doubt, have a door creaking, a sound that you can't identify, or a shadow on a wall." ~Stephen Moffat, giving away all his secrets
• "I like stories where the Doctor and his companion walk out of the doors and encounter fear, horror, and screaming women, as they always do." ~Stephen Moffat, perhaps commenting more on his stories than others'...
• "It's a Wonderful Life is of course the best Christmas movie ever. And so is the original Miracle On 34th Street. And The Princess Bride which isn't a Christmas movie at all, but I love it so much I have to mention it once in every four emails." ~ Steven Moffat
• “I like to dance, but I didn’t like to dance to that, cause it looks like...you’ve been stung by wasps.” ~Dominic Monaghan on raves
• "Someone should put a stop to this forward motion of time, it's extremely worrying. I might write to my MP about it." ~James Moran
• "I no longer wish to be awake, I demand sleep. And orphan tears." ~James Moran
• "Any time I feel like a failure, fraud, or talentless gimp, I look up at the [Severance] poster, with my name on it, and think 'yeah, I did that.' Then I start panicking because it came out two and a half years ago, and I really should have got another movie going since then, so I get out all the DVDs of recent things I worked on, and sit in the corner, fondling the discs and crying. Hey, you've got to have a process." ~James Moran
• "So there you go. By the way, if anyone comes into the comments going 'OMG but it should have been Actor XYZ, the show is RUINED', I warn you now that I will personally lead my 100+ Twitter Army of Doom to destroy you. Yes, I have an army now. Ph33r me. And Bursty, my green balloon dog." ~James Moran
• "I was very surprised and displeased to get lots of messages complaining that [Karen Gillan's] 'too young', and that this is a bad thing for the show. To those people, I have this to say: She's an actress. HER AGE IN NO WAY AFFECTS THE QUALITY OF THE SHOW. It didn't turn into a comedy sketch show when Catherine Tate was hired. It didn't turn into a motel-based soap when Freema Agyeman was hired (her first job was on Crossroads). It didn't turn into a teen pop song show when Billie was hired. Seasons 1 and 2 didn't have Rose singing a song at the end of every episode, about how cute Timelord boys are. Season 3 didn't have the Doctor and Martha opening a motel. Season 4 didn't have Catherine Tate dressing up as sweary pensioners or donning lots of prosthetics. Karen Gillan is 21. Not 12. She's an adult. But it doesn't matter how old or young she is, or what parts she played before, or how tall or short she is, or what colour her hair is, or what her opinions on cheese are, or anything else. She's an actress, and a very good one. That's all you should be worried about." ~James Moran
• "If I ignore the work I have to do, maybe it'll go away. Or maybe fairies will come and do it all. The trick is to ignore it *really* hard." ~James Moran
• "Explosions! Creepy stuff! Shenanigans! Running! Snogging! Gore! Swearing! Eve Myles leaping through the air firing two guns! WHAT MORE COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT??" ~James Moran on TW S3
• "I had a great time working on the show while I was there, learned a lot, and got to meet the whole cast, including Jamie Bamber, who actually flies a Viper in real life (probably). You have no idea how hard it was to *not* say things to him like: 'so, how was your flight over? Any turbulence...? Cylons...?' Somehow I managed to stay professional and not behave like a giggly schoolkid. Much." ~James Moran
• “There is no mistaking a real book when one meets it. It’s like falling in love.” ~Christopher Morley
• "At the children’s pageant at church this year I noticed an old convention costume of mine had been donated to the church stores. So according to this year’s performance, a member of the high council of Time Lords was present at Jesus’ birth giving frankincense. Makes sense. It’s a fairly telling point in Earth’s history." ~Rich Morris
• "The 10 Doctors merge their consciousnesses, experiencing each others memories past and future. Then, combined into one mighty Doctor, they face off against the Dalek conditioning. Y’know, written down, that sounds stupid." ~Rich Morris
• “My brother and I did a good job of saving M80’s and bottle rockets for...days after we’d cut the grass and exposed a million crickets leaping in celebration of their own freedom, until we got to them. We would catch the little lawn hoppers and tie a long string around their bellies with the other end tied to one of the waiting rockets on the launch....We always retrieved the rocket and studied the end of the string where the Crickonaut was tied. It was like we were forensic scientists trying to uncover the cause of death when we knew darned well we were the killers in the first place. Most important to us was how we tied the knot and how the knot withstood the pressures, for we wanted the cricket to return to us with information from the stratosphere.” ~Jason Mraz
• “That’s a little something we learned from our travels with the Dave Matthews Band – audiences think you’re great if you can stop and start at the same time.” ~Jason Mraz
• "I’ve been fortunate to view the world as if Tom Cruise is constantly walking in front of me on his way across a tarmac before an aerial dogfight. I’m speaking cinematically here. The homoeroticism was an accident that I wont dismiss." ~Jason Mraz
• "I don't know if anyone will ever sit beside me on a plane again." ~Cillian Murphy
• "Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again." ~Mike Myers

N

• “It’s really beautiful to see a man working on his puppet.” ~Michael J. Nelson in an interview on NPR in 1992
• "Weighing on our minds was the fact that we had one female character and she was a dim-witted, cowlike creature played by a man." ~Michael J. Nelson about Gypsy's part in 207 - The Wild Rebels

O

• “A study in the Washington Post says women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study…’Duh!’” ~Conan O’Brien
• “Running is never fun. Running is something that you do when there’s a man chasing you with a knife.“ ~Ardal O’Hanlon
• “…they’re part of your identity, your books.” ~Ardal O’Hanlon
• “Marriage is when two people are joined together to become one desperately boring person.” ~Ardal O’Hanlon
• “I wanna say ‘China’, but I don’t really mean ‘China.’ I just mean the places that Chinese people come from.” ~Patrice O’Neal
• “I’m really glad my food comes murdered.” ~Patrice O’Neal
• “Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.” ~P.J. O’Rourke
• "I've lived 30 years on this planet - 2 elsewhere." ~John Oliver, who was evidently a Companion
• "Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts." ~John Oliver
• "That's not racist; in many ways, that's a compliment." ~John Oliver

P

• "God, I enjoyed that." ~Wendy Padbury about smacking Frazer Hines in "The Mind Robber"
• "David [Tennant] put this tie on, and leapt up and down in the fitting room and said, 'Oh my God, I'm the Doctor!' And that was it. Costume decided on in five seconds." ~Louise Page
• "We all know it's the cheesiest, so you can call it Kraft Macaroni and Cheese or Kraft Cheese and Macaroni, or just shut up and call it Kraft Dinner like we do up in Canada." ~Steven Page
• "I hate sports. My reaction to the ball is this [kicks soccer ball] Don't kick it back to me. I don't wanna see it again." ~Steven Page
• “I love Krispy Kreme donuts, but doesn't the thought of cream that's crispy just churn your stomach?" ~Steven Page
• “We had sold nearly one million records in Canada, appeared on every TV show and in pretty much every newspaper in the country, and had toured relentlessly for three years solid. Still, we felt resented, somehow, by most of the music industry, as if it saw us as a success story that it was obliged to acknowledge, but also an embarrassment it wished would go away, or grow up, or something. A comedy band winning Junos? Who could imagine such a thing? We felt slighted, and, like the young punks that we were deep inside, we said ‘Comedy? You want comedy?’ and proceeded to give them comedy by dressing in full clown makeup and costumes to perform our song Box Set, a satire of the business end of music. I guess you could say we weren't very co-operative.” ~Steven Page
• "I sometimes think 'Gordon' must be the most bootlegged album in U.S history, since it sold only 200,000 copies in the country, yet 800,000 kids know the words to every song." ~Steven Page
• “The Internet is awesome because it’s...there.” ~Steven Page
• “We're like Paris Hilton, except...more like Kansas City Airport Hilton" ~Steven Page
• “As for Ed - rhymes with ‘dead.’ Nuff said.” ~Steve Page when asked why Ed Robertson hadn’t been answering fan questions at the BNL blog in a while
• “The Internet is awesome because it’s...there.” ~Steven Page
• “We're like Paris Hilton, except...more like Kansas City Airport Hilton" ~Steven Page
• “As rich as you think some of us are, for every $18.99 CD you buy, the artist usually sees a toonie or so. Pay your producer out of that. Then your manager. Then split it five ways among your band mates. Now don't act surprised when you see the drummer of a platinum-selling Canadian rock band behind the drive- thru window at Tim Hortons” ~Steven Page
• "When in doubt, resort to animation." ~Michael Palin
• "Now, what sort of person would write a scene where a young man stumbles upon a castle full only of beautiful young women? Answer: ME!" ~Michael Palin
• "My marriage has worked because I am not around much." ~Michael Palin
• “If I am seen as successful, it's all the more reason not to change - not to lose track of friends, not to be driven everywhere, not to go and get away from the world. That, to me, is real success: enjoying what you do, but being the same person." ~Michael Palin
• “This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.” ~Dorothy Parker
• "I don't really know [who my favorite vampire is]. I always think, 'Ethan Hawke in Interview with a Vampire,' and someone will say, 'He's not the vampire. He's the interviewer.'" ~Robert Pattinson
• “Each night I lie awake and stare up at the stars and wonder...what the [Tartarus] happened to my ceiling.” ~Robert Paul
• "I can be completely indulgent and spend as many hours and days or weeks as I like on one thing. Writing music and sitting in my studio, just pottering with ideas, it's a lot more personal and creative for me, I don't feel restricted." ~Guy Pearce
• "You meet these people who are confident all the time. They annoy me. And I wonder if it's because I'm envious or if it's because they're shallow." ~Guy Pearce
• “I'm a musician, and I'm fascinated with the effects of sound, and tone, and pitch and melody and all that sort of stuff. It's the first thing I have to solidify whenever...I get into a character. The first thing I need to get sorted out before I can then move forward, before I can feel any confidence whatsoever, is the voice.” ~Guy Pearce
• “When I go to a movie, I'm always thrilled if I've seen an actor do something and I didn't realize until the end of the movie that that was that person. I love that.” ~Guy Pearce
• "I think at its best the American sense of humor is the same as the British sense of humor at its best, which is to be wry and ironic and self deprecating." ~Simon Pegg
• "[The Doctor] was fond in a grandfatherly way and you couldn't help being fond of the companions, they were such pretty little people. There was no sign of romance." ~Jon Pertwee
• “A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.” ~Lawrence J. Peter
• “You’ve got to be original, because if you’re like someone else, what do they need you for?” ~Bernadette Peters
• "Its like murder to abort a child, Who are we to stop it?" ~Carolyn Pfender
• “Wear the old coat and buy the new book.” ~Austin Phelps
• “Series programming is about having likeable characters. It’s about relationships. Movies are about more specific ideas.” ~Fred Pierce
• "It's also a big continent, if you're a Geographer." ~Greg Proops, correcting Drew Carey when he erroneously referred to Africa as a "big country"
• "Psychic convention cancelled because of unforeseen circumstances." ~Greg Proops
• "I wear glasses. That’s how you’ll know me. I am the speccy one.... And I am proud." ~Greg Proops
• "Contact lenses are for vain, weak-willed piglets who swan around showing off: 'Look everybody, I can see without spectacles. No one at first glance will ever assume I know how to surf the net.'" ~Greg Proops (Yes, in fact, I do wear contacts a good deal of the time. Hey, you've got to be able to laugh at yourself before you poke fun of others.)
• "Glasses are for the brave. I do not need to pretend that I am sighted. People who need glasses and don’t wear them are slightly less treacherous than people who don’t need them and do—like every shallow Hollywood star who wants to be taken seriously." ~Greg Proops
• “I’d love to chat, but I’m kind of in the middle of an improv show.” ~Greg Proops to “Mr. A”
• "Oh, I don't wear a bathing suit. I wear a tent when I go out." ~Greg Proops
• "Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen." ~Greg Proops
• “I don’t care what’s happening to him, I’m just having fun watching.” ~Greg Proops
• "Have you met Colin? He's a...he's a freak is what he is." ~Greg Proops playing "Party Quirks"
• "I'm all for dropping lawyers into any war time situation." ~Greg Proops
• “You can take away my sports show, but you can naer take away my freedom!” ~Greg Proops
• “I tell you, when you’re running down the street and you’re on fire, people will get out of your way.” ~Richard Pryor

Q

• "You have a point. It's not a good point, but it's a point." ~Mike Quigley to Stephen Colbert
• “No one wants to hear any more Michael Jackson jokes, but he keeps doing things.” ~Colin Quinn
• "The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand." ~Colin Quinn

R

• "Some stories don't have a clear beginning middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity..." ~Gilda Radner
• "Nothing is more frightening than a monster that cares about his health, cause you know he'll be around for a while." ~Geoff Ramsey
• "When you hit 'Save' on a spread sheet and you assign a spreadsheet to something, that [stuff] becomes official." ~Geoff Ramsey
• "[The paparazzi] were outside the theatre every single night, but we came up with a cunning ruse. I would wear the same outfit every time - a different T-shirt underneath, but I'd wear the same jacket and zip it up so they couldn't see what I was wearing underneath, and the same hat. So they could take pictures for six months, but it would look like the same day, so they became unpublishable. Which was hilarious, because there's nothing better than seeing paparazzi getting really frustrated." ~Daniel Radcliffe
• "OK, you’re the son of possibly the most beloved actor to play Doctor Who, John Pertwee, and you want to be an actor. Sounds like a tough gig; surely the son of such a cult icon is never going to be taken seriously in the film business? Yet, Sean Pertwee has managed to consistently land little roles in big films, normally playing the hard-as-nails-yet-practical character you just don't see enough in cinema these days. Amazingly, after his first film appearance way back in 1987 where he was cast in the glamorous role of 'Orton's Friend' in the completely underappreciated 'Prick Up Your Ears', Pertwee has landed roles in some big Hollywood films as of late, most recently '51st State' and 'Equilibrium', as well as the lead role in Dog Soldiers. Good on ya, Sean. Of course, if you just hop into your Dad's TARDIS, you can nip into the future and find out what film to star in next…" ~Rich of MRFH
• "Excuse me, 'quite sweet'? In a 'potentially going to bum Paul McGann to death' kind of way?" ~Andrew Richards about Uncle Monty
• "There went my mixing board. It just committed suicide." ~Andrew Richards
• "I've never used the phrase before, but now I know you hate it, I'll be using it all the time." ~Andrew Richards to Paul Greaves
• "Will any of us be able to make it through 'The Web Planet'?" "Find out on the next exciting installment of the Hitchhiker's-- Oh, god, I got it wrong." ~Andrew Richards
• "Thank you very much for tuning in to the Drunk Podcast of Doom." ~Andrew Richards
• "One of my school teachers used to call me Marvin the Paranoid Andrew." ~Andrew Richards
• "It's a city up north where they burn cars for fun." ~Andrew Richards after confusing Manchester and Liverpool
• “When you take a bull by the horns…what happens is a toss-up.” ~William Pett Ridge
• “A place that prides itself on sights should be punished by my not going.” ~Ed Robertson on Washington DC
• "I feel sorry for you! I'm going to make your job pure [Tartarus] right now!" ~Ed Robertson to a sign language interpreter during “One Week”
• "I'm not a very good human ... but I'm a very sexy Hobbit!" ~Ed Robertson, bizarrely enough
• "'One Week' changed my life because I used to be the Million Dollars Guy, and now I'm the Chickity China Guy." ~Ed Robertson
• "I like sporks. They're like spoons, but you can poke people with them." ~Ed Robertson
• "If I'm looking really intense, it's not because I'm trying to be mystical. It's because I'm thinking ‘[Dagnabit], that was supposed to be a 7th chord’." ~Ed Robertson
• “I'm having a mid-life crisis, so I thought instead of having sex with a stranger, I'd just get a new haircut. It's good clean fun without all the messy emotional baggage. It's just a haircut folks! It's not like I had an eye removed, or a leg added on! Live a little... it'll grow back!” ~Ed Robertson
• “We like our two- or three-syllable rhymes.” ~Ed Robertson
• “That’s the way I relate to the world. In dire, depressing times, I look for the smile in the situation--not to make it go away, but to cope with it. I have always approached life like that, and so those lines are more to emphasize the cloud inside the silver lining. It serves to illustrate the direness of the situation. If I am cracking jokes about it, I am trying to cheer myself up.” ~Ed Robertson on “Pinch Me”
• "I remember a point when I when I said, ‘Guys - no swearing on stage. Let’s not swear on stage.’” ~Ed Robertson
• "We watch [the ‘Enid’] video now and go 'No wonder people hated us.'" ~Ed Robertson
• “Whoever thought the future would feel so much like the present?” ~Ed Robertson
• “I’m always nervous about singing…always. It may be one of the only things I sweat about.” ~Ed Robertson
• "I think we should start a movement, and everyone should just start wearing metal pants to the airport." ~Ed Robertson
• “‘Ahku mashete’ is a command. In Arabic it means ‘It’s hot as [Tartarus]’.” ~The Rock
• "I know of no painless process for giving birth to a picture idea. When I must produce, I retire to a quiet room with a supply of cheap paper and sharp pencils; my brain knows it's going to take a beating." ~Norman Rockwell
• "How has it all affected me? I'm becoming incredibly arrogant and selfish and self-absorbed and I want ALL of the green M&M's taken out of my packets, so watch out!" ~Sam Rockwell
• "Christian Bale has a kind of genetically engineered handsomeness that's perfect for [John Preston]. He's also a better actor than he ever gets credit for being." ~Richard Roeper
• "Equilibrium is enjoyably classy trash." ~Richard Roeper
• "I'd say that I'm also recommending [Equilibrium] for the cool gun battles." ~Richard Roeper
• “Does that really work, converting someone with a bumper sticker? How weak of a mind do you have to have?” ~Greg Rogell
• “That’s just a joke. Don’t hit your kids – they’ve got guns, now.” ~Greg Rogell
• “Golf’s the only sport that comes with a slave.” ~Greg Rogell
• “Jews don’t dunk. It’s in the bible.” ~Greg Rogell
• “If you’re dumb enough to do crack, you’re supposed to die. It’s evolution.” ~Joe Rogen
• "I have decided that, in all future advertising, I shall be billed as a performer on the 'gold metal aerophon, in which audio oscillations are produced by controlled, exhaled, breath and which is fitted with a digitally controlled frequency selecting apparatus.' It sounds so much more important than just 'Flute Player'." ~Glen Ross
• "There's really not a difference between an octopus and, like, a giant pile of snot." ~Mike Rowe
• “Yes, anally retentive men are my forté!” ~Geoffrey Rush
• "I'm waving my arms about, aren't I? And they're not gonna be in shot. So that's what the strange movement is." ~Gary Russell
• "I mean, I love Daleks, obviously. Obviously I adore Daleks." ~Gary Russell
• “I do not believe that I am now dreaming, but I cannot prove that I am not.” ~Philosopher Bertrand Russell
• “Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.” ~John Russell

S

• “My deeply held belief is that if a god anything like the traditional sort exists, our curiosity and intelligence are provided by such a god. We would be unappreciative of those gifts…if we suppressed our passion to explore the universe and ourselves.” ~Carl Sagan
• “At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly contradictory attitudes – an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny of all ideas, old and new.” ~Carl Sagan
• "...from early youth, we are accustomed to hearing falsified reports, and our minds have been saturated with prejudice for centuries, to the extent that we guard the fantastic lies like a treasure, so that in the end the truth becomes unbelievable and the lie appears to be true." ~Sanchuniathon
• "It's a treat to see the sun rise over the desert. What am I saying? It's a treat to fire off a rocket car over the desert!" ~Adam Savage
• “How hard can it be to blow up a room full of gasoline?!” ~Adam Savage
• "That can't be necessary...I don't recognize it." ~Adam Savage while taking apart a washing machine
• “I reject your reality and substitute my own.” ~Adam Savage
• “I reckon I might almost be willing to take that ride.” ~Adam Savage on riding an escape chute from 2,000 feet
• “I can’t believe it doesn’t work! I found it on the internet, man!” ~Adam Savage
• "That's our job - to strap rockets onto everything." ~Adam Savage
• "I often wonder, if you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a wolf permanently?" ~Kristen Schaal
• "A great deal of our ratings on the morning news are people who died during the night with their TV on." ~Bob Scheiffer
• “There is no me. I do not exist. There used to be a me, but I had it surgically removed.” ~Peter Sellers
• "Justice can span years. Retribution is not subject to a calendar." ~Rod Serling
• "Pride and Prejudice 2: Pride and EXTREME Prejudice; Cover photo: Colin Firth holding a shotgun. Tagline: They called him Fitzwilliam one too many times." ~Shalen of MRFH
• "It was nice to see Sean Bean get to play someone who survives the movie. It's probably why Odysseus is looking so smug as the end credits roll." ~Shalen from MRFH on Troy
• "I have never met such a chap. I could not survive another." ~George Bernard Shaw about his friend, H.G. Wells
• "Tourists are the ones in shorts with sandals on their feet/When I drive around, I run them over in the street." ~Brad Sherwood
• “Good thing your head isn’t made of frozen chicken.” ~Brad Sherwood
• “That’s what you get for Riverdancin’ in a thong.” ~Brad Sherwood
• “Don’t have any of the punch. It has sulfuric acid in it...Try the punch!” ~Brad Sherwood as the host of Party Quirks
• "I'd probably be famous now if I wasn't such a good waitress." ~Jane Siberry
• “I aimed at the public's heart, and by accident I hit it in the stomach.” ~Upton Sinclair on The Jungle
• “There are no monsters in [Van Helsing]. There’re just people with VERY bad problems.” ~Stephen Sommers
• “I have never fallen in love with my own voice, but I’ve always had an attraction for it.” ~Tom Snyder
• "This end of the couch is a little more mathy." ~Gus Sorola
• "When in doubt, trill." ~John Phillip Sousa to piccolos
• “Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple, learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen.” ~John Steinbeck
• “I feel that I am entitled to trample all other considerations into the dirt in my pursuit of a satisfying pun.” ~Neal Stephenson
• “Sometimes people also describe us as 'intelligent.' And 'you guys are really clever.' That kind of thing. Which means we don't sing, 'baby ooh baby,' or 'we got two turntables and a microphone.'” ~Tyler Stewart
• "Quiet! I'm expressing myself!" ~Ryan Stiles
• "We're expecting a lot of rain in the state of Oregon, so let's just get rid of Oregon." ~Ryan Stiles as Negaduck the Weatherman
• "I hate it at the movies when all the kids scream/I have to admit that is really not my scene/But one thing's for sure, an usher I will not call/I just sit in front of them; I'm over six feet tall!" ~Ryan Stiles
• “I’d like to ask you another question, but I’m afraid if I open my mouth I might vomit.” ~Ryan Stiles
• “You made me giggle.” ~Ryan Stiles
• “I am breathing. That’s how I’m staying alive!” ~Ryan Stiles
• “You’re not a band unless you play an instrument.” ~Ryan Stiles on the Backstreet Boys
• “Looks like Walt Disney threw up.” ~Ryan Stiles about a bowl of sprinkles
• "Generally speaking, I prefer a little more sense in my nonsense (Terry Pratchett is my hero) but by the end of [Spirited Away], most things had fallen into place. Kinda sorta." ~Sue of MRFH
• "Old Trek actors never die, they just do voices on 'Gargoyles.'" ~Lori Summers
• “Eisner is a machine. He’s a sausage-making machine. He invents something to go between commercials. What it is, he doesn’t care...There is no such thing as a Michael Eisner idea. It’s an oxymoron.” ~Richard Sylbert

T

• "I love him, but he's got bad hair." ~Catherine Tate about Bradley Whitford
• "I think it's a bit low, myself. I'm a bit embarrassed about the amount of cleavage that comes out. It's a bit like a milk maid." ~Catherine Tate about her purple toga-y thing
• "We made use of that pyrotechnic budget, didn't we?" ~Catherine Tate
• "In the script, they were supposed to be euphoric, but we always fight against that, don't we?" ~Catherine Tate
• “But it’s good to sweat together, isn’t it?” ~John Taylor
• "If it's a great song it doesn't matter if it was written by Nick's dogs." ~Roger Taylor, putting to words one of the fundamental truths of music
• "I think we've come up with something distinctive that's both timeless and modern, with a bit of geek chic and of course, a dash of Time Lord! Most importantly, Billie [Piper] tells me she likes it - after all, she's the one who has to see me in it for the next nine months!" ~David Tennant on his Doctor Who costume
• "He's not...he's not the loveliest." ~David Tennant on Barty Crouch, Jr.
• "I'll be reclining on a bed of money, having champagne drip-fed to me by a harem of scantily-clad witches. I'd imagine that's how I'll spend Christmas." ~David Tennant on his new-found fame and wealth
• "Moths are the ones that freak me out. It's something to do with the way that, if they get squashed, they turn to dust. There's something very wrong about that. It all feels a bit Gothic." ~David Tennant
• "I may not have given them backyet...it doesn't mean I'm keeping them." ~David Tennant discussing "nicking" things from "the office"
• "It's not kind of his thing, isn't it? I mean, the relationship with The Doctor and his companion is always...it's always about everything but sex. I think we've got to preserve that." ~David Tennant
• "['The Christmas Invasion' is] a great script; it's got some fantastic gags in it; a wonderful kind of heroic swagger; and it has a slightly off-the-wall, mercurial anarchy, which I think is what defines what's extraordinary about the Doctor. I don't do very much, then I wake up. I talk for five pages; I press the button that nobody's allowed to press; I break the monster's staff; I haul away his whip. And then, just to top it all off, I have a sword fight with him on the wing of a spaceship – my hand is cut off; I grow it back, and then bring down the Prime Minister of Great Britain – all within ten minutes. You can't really ask for a better entrance than that." ~David Tennant
• "Hello, I'm David. I'm 925 years old, and I come from Gallifrey." ~David Tennant
• "Oh, listen, it's scary enough. Don't expect me to improvise." ~David Tennant while on The Weakest Link
• "I don't know that Anne [Robinson] would be a particularly successful companion for the Doctor, I think Anne would be the Eleventh Doctor. In fact, I think she's probably lined up already to take over as soon as I leave." ~David Tennant
• "Obviously I'm delighted to be part of Scotland's greatest comedy moment, but the funny stuff is all down to Catherine Tate, I'm just her [plaything]. But seeing as she's an unfunny southerner I'll very gladly accept this great honour." ~David Tennant
• "There's nothing wrong with it. Were it to be his hair, it would be very nice hair to have." ~David Tennant about Phil Cornwell's hair in "The Fires of Pompeii"
• "I think I was left fairly unscathed by Italian beasties." ~David Tennant about not being bitten by insects, when apparently everyone else was
• "We seem to spend a lot of our time in very small spaces spouting a lot of dialogue very quickly." ~David Tennant
• "I consider it my duty to hate things." ~Neil Tennant
• "Friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you." ~Judy Tentua
• "I didn't want flashing lights on the [TARDIS] console; this thing is nine hundred years old, the Doctor can't just nip into Halfords and buy a new bulb." ~Edward Thomas
• "It's not a documentary about Downing Street; it’s about Slitheens unzipping their heads in the Cabinet Office." ~Edward Thomas
• “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” ~Henry David Thoreau
• “If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.” ~Henry David Thoreau
• “Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.” ~Henry David Thoreau
• “What is the use of a house if you haven't got a tolerable planet to put it on?” ~Henry David Thoreau
• “Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.” ~Henry David Thoreau
• “How many a man has dated a new era in his life from the reading of a book.” ~Henry David Thoreau
• “I was on Valium at the time to stop the seasickness, so I can't remember much. [favourite thing:] Ioan and myself playing a lot of Nintendo.” ~Andrew Tiernan on playing Seaman Bunting
• “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?” ~Lily Tomlin
• “I have voices in my head, but they speak in Spanish. I have no idea what they’re saying.” ~Daniel Tosh
• "Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones." ~Daniel Tosh
• "Aw, that joke had a happy ending." ~Daniel Tosh
• "You like how I start jokes with a mass appeal, then continue until only six people know what I'm talking about?" ~Daniel Tosh
• "Oh, I'll feed you, baby birds." ~Daniel Tosh
• "Why has the programme proved such a continuing success? I think the simple answer to that is because new children keep on being born!" ~Patrick Troughton on Doctor Who
• "Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated." ~Garry Trudeau
• "There's nothing more dangerous than a place that doesn't exist." ~Jonathan Turley
• “You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.” ~Mark Twain
• “Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.” ~Mark Twain
• “Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one.” ~Mark Twain
• “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” ~Mark Twain

U

• “If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.” ~Peter Ustinov
• “Her virtue was that she said what she thought, her vice that what she thought didn't amount to much.” ~Peter Ustinov
• “I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me the most civilised music in the world.” ~Peter Ustinov

V

• “I’d like to make clear that no instruments were mistreated during this time as we are, and continue to be, respectful, professional and, last but not least, resourceful musicians.” ~Ronnie Vannucci
• "I think that the public hear their pop radio or whatever and they just get sick of bad music. They want to hear songs again." ~Ronnie Vannucci
• “If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.“ ~Bill Vaughan
• "I'm lost in my subject at eighty degrees north and forty degrees below. I'm catching cold just from writing. That's all right in the summer we're having." ~Jules Verne while writing The Adventures of Captain Hatteras
• "What I'd like to be above all is a writer..." ~Jules Verne
• "I am very bad at expressing tender sentiments. The very word 'love' frightens me." ~Jules Verne
• “I don't know why people don't paint more warthogs. Warthogs are fantastic. They have the most marvelous faces, like cracked mud with tusks. And the eyelashes! Like many otherwise hideous animals, they have truly spectacular eyelashes. But nooo, it's always the charismatic mammals, like foxes and wolves and tigers. Have you ever smelled a fox? Believe me, the warthog produces a light, airy fragrance suitable for the home or office compared to a fox. Um. What was I saying again?” ~Ursula Vernon
• "If you were pixels, you'd be dry by now!!" ~Ursula Vernon on painting
• “Once upon a time there was a girl who discovered that if she played a certain tune on a jade flute, she could summon up jade gnomes, a peculiar, harmless, but rather creepy looking spirit of the underground. The fact is that many of us have talents like this, but generally never discover them due to lack of opportunity, since one can go one's entire life without playing a jade flute, or discovering that one can speak the language of ground sloths, or turning fruitcake into solid tungsten by singing Sinatra tunes to it under a quarter moon.” ~Ursula Vernon
• “I am automatically suspicious of things that wave their symbolism around and do little dances and bludgeon you over the head so that you [Darn] Well Know There's A Symbol Here.” ~Ursula Vernon
• “Not doing art because you're afraid of a reaction is practically anti-art. Might as well smack the Muse and tell her to go make you a sandwich, fer cryin' out loud.” ~Ursula Vernon
• “The minute I sit down and think ‘Okay, this must be KID SAFE!’ my Muse develops Tourrette's and goes to lunch with Clive Barker, and my mind plunges into the gutter and I draw an appalling blank on anything that is not violent, gory, profanity laden, or depraved. So I think the only way I can ever do kid's books if I plan not to do kid's books. If that makes any sense.” ~Ursula Vernon
• “Every now and again, a painting will get away from my control and take over. Sometimes it's a good thing. Sometimes it's a giant drooling hairy thing with pointy teeth. You know how it is.” ~Ursula Vernon
• “Air and Water can just swirl around being swirly, and Fire is just kind of aggressive, but my gut feeling is that Earth needs to work for a living. Earth has stuff to be doing. Earth is busy. Earth is solid and responsible and works hard. Earth is reliable. Earth is the designated driver of the elements and will always come over and feed the cat when you're out of town.” ~Ursula Vernon
• “I really wish there had been a way to phrase this as ‘A thunder of worms.’ Because I like that phrase. That's a phrase with soul. Worm thunder on the horizon, all is right with the cosmos...” ~Ursula Vernon
• “If I may bend your ear for a moment, I like Terry Pratchett. I like footnotes. I like footnotes even when they are not as entertaining as a Pratchett footnote, even when they are in the middle of a book on evolutionary biology and briefly explain the Red Queen hypothesis or the fate of the Stephen's Island Wren or how many bunnies can dance on the back of Australia. Footnotes fill me with a very mild glee. The endnote simply does not compare.” ~Ursula Vernon
• “If I do manage to come up with a scheme [to naming], however, I stick to it, which is why my cats are named after gods--Loki and Athena, who are, respectively, absolutely straightforward and affectionate, and dumber than dirt. I learned my lesson. I will name my next cat ‘Satan’ or ‘Marduk’ or something, thereby ensuring a kind, gentle beast who treats my upholstery like a shrine.” ~Ursula Vernon
• “The hardest part of this page was making a slug scream look convincing. Somehow--and I realize this was a shocking oversight--they never covered that in Drawing I & II.“ ~Ursula Vernon
• “It's a reality of art that the fewer lines you get, the harder it is. Cartooning is actually harder than realism. You have less to work with. It's like trying to build a house--if you have unlimited resources, you're in much better shape than if you get two bricks, a hammer, and a bent nail.” ~Ursula Vernon
• “My brain wanted to paint something Meaningful and Complex. I told it that it was painting a cute hadrosaur with butt-hearts first, damnit. THEN we could do meaningful art for the ages. It's sulking now. My priorities are obviously skewed all to hell...” ~Ursula Vernon
• "Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready." ~Suzee Vik
• "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." ~Voltaire
• “In youth we learn, in age we understand.” ~Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
• “The public health authorities never mention the main reason many Americans have for smoking heavily, which is that smoking is a fairly sure, fairly honorable form of suicide.” ~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
• "Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae." ~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
• “I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.” ~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
• “Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.” ~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
• “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” ~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
• "The only people who know about me are people who would know about me." ~Sarah Vowell
• “No one I know actually reads what I write, so thank heavens for you strangers.” ~Sarah Vowell

W

• "I cannot believe my eyes. / Are the fans collaboratively making buys? / Because it seems to me / some kind of insanity / is on the rise!" ~The Web Goblin
• "The other day I was googling for a particular legend that Mr. G had referenced and came across The Legend of Neil, which I assumed would be about Mr. G but instead involves Zelda fairysex slash with Felicia Day as the fairy. My disappointment was NONEXISTENT." ~The Web Goblin
• "[We've layed all the {dagnab} pipe we could possibly need and more], Now the fun really begins!" ~Greg Weisman's version of the Archmage's line
• "Of course, Bronx is also useful as a kind of living personality test. If Bronx likes you, it's a [darn] good sign." ~Greg Weisman
• "But I felt/feel that would cheapen the moment. Cheapen the sacrifice. We sent our heroes into battle. And in battle, there are casualties. Some things are worth fighting for, but if we don't understand costs, then I want people to know that when something isn't worth fighting over, they shouldn't." ~Greg Weisman
• "JALAPEÑA - Goliath says it like a curse word when he realizes that [Angela and Gabriel] are being followed. That was how I wanted to use it. As I've mentioned before, the art staff eventually threatened a coup if I didn't drop it. But if I ever get to do Gargoyles 2198, I'm bringing it back. That's a threat, not a promise." ~Greg Weisman
• “...and Jeff Bennett, who plays Brooklyn and Owen and eighty other characters on our show, playing The Magus, and keeping them all incredibly distinct. Jeff is, like, one of my favourite guys on the planet.” ~Greg Weisman
• “That’s Keith [David] at the end there, the bald white guy. Because, as we all know, Keith is a bald white man.” ~Greg Weisman
• “And [Demona’s] eyes light up red, not because she’s bad, but because she’s a girl.” ~Greg Weisman
• "I find Hollywood really toxic." ~Rachel Weisz
• “A film is never really good unless the camera is an eye in the head of a poet.” ~Orson Welles
• “If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends.” ~Orson Welles
• "Shakespeare I love, but for an English graduate, I'm incredibly badly read." ~Samuel West
• "What did my parents say when I told them I wanted to be an actor? 'Be a plumber.'" ~Samuel West (his parents are Prunella Scales and Timothy West)
• “I'm shamed into admitting that I'm way behind with requests for autographed photos at the moment, but they WILL get done. I frequently answer letters several years late, so if you have asked for one, try not to give up hope until one of us dies.” ~Samuel West
• "The only thing that I really hate is the theme song...I suspect that the composer is going to be the new holder of the 'Most Hated Person In Star Trek' title...if she calls, I'll hand over the badge to her...I know I have it someplace." ~Wil Wheaton on Enterprise
• "I like to quote things." ~Wil Wheaton
• "When I was working on Trek, I always wanted to be: As good an actor as Patrick, as funny as Brent, and as cool as Jonathan." ~Wil Wheaton
• "God, shut up!" ~Wil Wheaton to Westley Crusher
• "The Lord of the Rings trilogy restored the balance in the Force after the Star Wars prequels ruined everything that was awesome about being a nerd at the movies." ~Wil Wheaton
• "Nobody brings the smarm quite like you." ~Jed Whedon to Nathan Fillion
• "The first day, Zack was like, 'Let's make this really sad.' And Joss was like, 'Okay! Let's kill Penny!'" ~Jed Whedon
• "All you want in life is to create something that people will dress up as." ~Jed Whedon
• "Angel is a vampire, who solves crimes (yes, he does) with his friends (with the gang). Wesley will never get a leather jacket 'cause he will never be cool (aww!) no matter what he does (this episode sucked)." ~Joss Whedon and Alexis Denisof's version of the Angel theme song
• "I think 'Minstrels?' is about as broad and silly as I've ever gotten, but David completely commits to this character." ~Joss Whedon
• "You are really just dorkier than I even imagined when I wrote the script." ~Joss Whedon to Alexis Denisof
• "I gave you shin guards, and you gave me everything else." ~Joss Whedon to Alexis Denisof
• "Notice how I managed to get in that we're all alone, even in this one?" ~Joss Whedon about "Spin the Bottle"
• "We had the camera locked, but not the location of the sun." ~Joss Whedon
• "This is when the internet audience loved me most." ~Joss Whedon during the final scene of Dr. Horrible
• "She's not a total cartoon, although she often acts like one." ~Joss Whedon about Cordelia
• "Alyson: King of Pain. We learned early on that, when anybody attacks Alyson, it opens up your heart. It's a terrible thing." ~Joss Whedon
• "We're about to take Buffy into the Library. This is the meeting place; it's the Batcave." ~Joss Whedon
• "Tony Head was one of the few people that we saw and instantly knew right away there was nobody else to play that part." ~Joss Whedon
• "That gives us lots of places to go with Giles, and we went a lot of strange places." ~Joss Whedon
• "That incredibly nerdy outfit [of Willow's] you will see for exactly one episode because the network kept sending me memos saying 'You must make her more hip, you must make her more cool, you must make her more like Buffy,' which really confused me, because I wanted to do an ensemble show, and 'ensemble' means that the characters are all different. Besides, I think that outfit is really cute." ~Joss Whedon
• "I liked [Boreanaz]... He wasn't exactly my type." ~Joss Whedon
• "Alyson was convinced that she was terrible in this scene and that she had ruined the entire show, which convinced me that she was insane, because she was wonderful in it." ~Joss Whedon
• "I didn't think I wanted to put a show on the air where a high school girl is stabbing normal people in the heart." ~Joss Whedon on the necessity of vamp face
• "I didn't think it would be very fun to have fifteen minutes of 'Let's clean up the bodies' after each episode." ~Joss Whedon on making the vampires - clothes and all - poof into dust when they die
• "I said Buffy is stronger than most of the things she faces. Brian Thompson is not one of them." ~Joss Whedon
• "One of my favourite sorts of actors...the rat actor. The rat actor knows his job and gets it done." ~Joss Whedon
• "The rules are very important in a horror movie." ~Joss Whedon
• "Greenwalt delighted in telling me how I was going to be attacked and killed for what I was putting on the screen, here." ~Joss Whedon about all the magic potentially riling up Christian conservatives
• "Some more of our great phlebotanum where they have to defeat the Mercedes symbol, for some reason." ~Joss Whedon
• "After [Jesse] becomes a vampire, he suddenly has some sort of charisma...no pun intended." ~Joss Whedon
• "Okay, somebody explain to Nick Brendon where the heart is located..." ~Joss Whedon
• “Everything important has been said before.” ~Philosopher Alfred North Whitehead
• “They call me...Tater Salad.” ~Ron White
• “You caught me. You caught the Tater.” ~Ron White
• “I assure you that the typewriting machine, when played with expression, is not more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relative.” ~Oscar Wilde
• “To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.” ~Oscar Wilde
• "Wickedness was invented by good people to explain the curious attractiveness of others." ~Oscar Wilde
• “The basis of optimism is sheer terror.” ~Oscar Wilde
• "You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." ~Robin Williams
• “Spring is Nature's way of saying, ‘Let's party!’” ~Robin Williams
• “First of all, there are many women out there who would like their boyfriends to look like Christian Bale.” ~Kurt Wimmer on why Equilibrium tested marginally better with women than with men
• “I could have used a parakeet. But that would have been silly.” ~Kurt Wimmer discussing whether the puppy was manipulative
• “William [Fichtner] is one of the few American actors I’ve had the privilege of working with who actually meets or exceeds the abilities of his English counterparts.” ~Kurt Wimmer
• “So, Christian kicks everybody’s [tail feathers], and he doesn’t have a scratch on him. A lot of people love this, some people don’t. It’s just a matter of taste. I personally like my heroes to just whip-[tail feather] and that’s that.” ~Kurt Wimmer
• “The way to become famous fast is to throw a brick at someone who is famous.” ~Walter Winchell
• “The head also, I think…cost more than I got paid for the entire series…. That’s not a grudge that I bear it, it’s just an interesting fact.” ~Mark Wing-Davie about his “best friend”
• “There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow men. True nobility lies in being superior to your former self.” ~Elijah Wood
• "I’m always interested in seeing just how bad Aaron Eckhart’s hair is going to be. Love the guy, think he’s adorable, but he’s totally tied with Stephen Baldwin as reigning master of the absolute most unflattering hair styles of all time. Worse hair, I dare you to find." ~Meg Wood
• "[Castle] is incredibly ridiculous, thanks to Nathan Fillion, who probably ought to tame it down a little bit but won’t, which is why I love him so incredibly much." ~Meg Wood
• "That said, [Paranormal Activity] had an unfortunate number of flaws. Flaws that, had they only sent me the script first, I could’ve fixed for them in FIVE SECONDS FLAT. When — WHEN?! — will you people ever learn? TO SEND ME THE SCRIPT FIRST?" ~Meg Wood
• “TV is chewing gum for the eyes.” ~Frank Lloyd Wright
• “Black holes are where God divided by zero.” ~Steven Wright

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