Aladdin: The Animated Series

• “Kids – don’t play with evil incarnate. Someone always gets hurt.” ~Genie
• “Nothing that roller skates and rocket boosters won’t fix.” ~Genie
• “Okay, I’m freaking…” ~Iago
• “I’m not 100% sure, but I think this is a good thing.” ~Iago
• "Ancient prophecies never predict anything good." ~Iago
• "Death, my canny foe, I have cheated you again!" ~Iago

All Creatures Great and Small

• "[Tristan] looks rather like me, I suppose. Except he's a fresh-faced kid with rings under his eyes. A bit like a debauched choir boy." ~Siegfried Farnon
• "A good driver doesn't need brakes." ~Siegfried Farnon
• "If you could possibly refrain from burning my bed to the ground, I'd be eternally grateful." ~Siegfried Farnon
• "Tristan changed the medication, accidentally correctly, as it happened." ~Siegfried Farnon
• "In my considered opinion, you will never rest in peace. Your gloomy shade will be seen wandering pathetically round the many public houses you haunted during your lifetime. Haunted with the dedication that makes publicans for miles around rejoice at your approach and start planning foreign holidays." ~Siegfried Farnon to Tristan
• "I wouldn't treat a mad dog the way he treats his liver." ~Siegfried Farnon about Tristan
• "Course [iodine stings] - they make it like that specially to remind you to be more careful next time." ~Siegfried Farnon
• "There's no earthly virtue in tidiness if you simply can't find anything." ~Siegfried Farnon
• "We're up against boneheaded bureaucracy. Complete ossification!" ~Siegfried Farnon
• "Never mind, Helen. James is being old fashioned - it's a very endearing quality in the young. He'll soon grow out of it." ~Siegfried Farnon
• "This is my brother, Tristan, the one usually responsible for the chaos." ~Siegfried Farnon
• "My dear Tristan, you are magnificently ill equipped [to a normal life]. I've known it for years. It's part of your charm." ~Siegfried Farnon
• "My brother? I'm afraid he's unavailable. He has a habit of being unavailable when he is most needed." ~Siegfried Farnon
• "Can you imagine launching an unsupervised Tristan on a totally unsuspecting neighborhood? Answering the phone in a Chinese accent...doing his driverless car trick in the marketplace...It'd be wanton cruelty!" ~Siegfried Farnon
• "He does seem to have a facility, your off-spring, for appearing to be in every room in the house at the same time." ~Siegfried Farnon to James Herriot
• "I see nothing remotely poetic in watching a cow's engorged uterus disappear into it." ~Tristan Farnon
• " I know all about that ruddy pig; it's a killer! It's also pitch dark. What am I supposed to do, hold a torch in one hand and a lancet in the other while it disembowels me?" ~Tristan Farnon
• "Domestic harmony is one thing, and bacon quite another. And ne'er the twain shall meet." ~Tristan Farnon
• "There ought to be a society for the prevention of cruelty to vets." ~Tristan Farnon
• "We poor devils can always lose; lawyers never do." ~Tristan Farnon
• "Oh, don't mind me, I don't exist. Just argue amongst yourselves until you're ready." ~Tristan Farnon
• "Oh, I don't know about that. There's no use blinding me with facts." ~Tristan Farnon
• "Look at it this way: I can't come to any harm, it's not possible. Not 'till I pass my finals, anyway. It wouldn't be fair." ~Tristan Farnon on why it would be okay for him to enlist
• "There is the odd occasion, Siegfried, when I do leave the premises for reasons other than a richly-earned pint of bitter." ~Tristan Farnon, unconvincingly
• "She's in the kitchen at this very moment intent, presumably, on doing something unspeakable to our lamb chops. The ones I practically disemboweled our ration book to buy." ~Tristan Farnon
• "I didn't expect you to sack her, simply separate her from the stove." ~Tristan Farnon
• "Good lord, it's goat muck." ~Tristan Farnon
• "I've discovered something new about our tough-guy Tristan - he's absolutely potty about the cat." ~Helen Herriot
• "If [Tristan]'s found strangled one of these mornings, you can probably put me down as prime suspect." ~James Herriot
• "It's Walt Barnett. I put him in the geranium pot." ~James Herriot
• "Christmas IS less than a year away..." ~James Herriot
• "The customers are convinced we've got a confirmed lunatic about the place. It isn't very far from the truth." ~James Herriot
• "You're a very naughty and persuasive man." ~Mrs. Pumphrey to Tristan
• "You're building quite a reputation for yourself, Mr. Farnon, and not only as a vet. As a ladykiller." ~Mrs. Pumphrey to Tristan Farnon

Angry Beavers

• "Once you've got the urg, you've got to move." ~Norbert
• "Daggett, the way you mind works frightens me." ~Norbert
• "What's...happening? I'm...feeling inclined to do things I...wouldn't normally do." ~Norbert

Babylon 5

• "Humans can be a very depressing people." ~Ambassador Delenn

Battlestar Galactica

• ”Boy, when you take a souvenir, you don’t screw around.” ~Captian Lee Adama
• “I don’t care, because your pain is my entertainment. Your Crutches of Death, sir. Use them wisely.” ~Captain Lee Adama
• “No pain no gain. No cliché left unturned as Kara Thrace returns to the World of the Walking. Can she do it, or will she fall on her [tail feathers]?” ~Captain Lee Adama
• “Bright, shiny futures are overrated, anyway.” ~Captain Lee Adama
• “You are fine with the dead guys, it’s the living ones you can’t deal with.” ~Captain Lee Adama to Captain Kara Thrace
• "We've all got it comin'." ~Commander Lee Adama
• “If I’m a Cylon, you’re really screwed.” ~Commander William Adama to President Roslin
• “Since we’re all getting along so well, can people stop pointing their guns at us?” ~Lieutenant Karl “Helo” Agathon
• "You are the Harbinger of Death, Kara Thrace." ~Sam Anders
• “No more Mr. Nice Gaius!” ~Dr. Gaius Baltar ranting in the restroom
• “You’ll forgive me, Madame President, if I don’t wish to be executed based solely on your gut feeling.” ~Dr. Gaius Baltar
• "If you're my subconscious, I've gotta say, you're a little full of myself." ~Laura Roslin
• "Captain, you are not married to the entire production line." ~Laura Roslin to Captain Karl Agathon
• “Doctor, if I want to toss a baby out an airlock, I’ll say so.” ~Laura Roslin
• “Wake up and smell the psychosis.” ~Number Six
• “Out of the Box is where I live.” ~Lieutenant Kara Thrace
• "Regularity? Must be important when you're full of crap." ~Kara Thrace to Baltar
• “We’ll sleep when we’re dead.” ~Chief Galen Tyrol
• "All I know is that there is a god...laughing his [tail feathers] off." ~Galen Tyrol
• "Their technology--_our_ technology is way beyond ours--yours. Want a chart to keep it straight?" ~Galen Tyrol

Becker

• "I swear, every time God gets bored, He looks down at me and thinks, 'Let's twist the screw of Becker's life just a little bit tighter'." ~Dr. John Becker
• "No, this is great! I always knew Christmas sucked; now I have proof!" ~Dr. John Becker
• "Yeah, well, life is a series of disappointments ending in one really big one." ~Dr. John Becker
• "I'm not mad, I'm just [ticked] off." ~Dr. John Becker
• "Linda, for every hundred lives a doctor saves, he gets to take one. I have 99 saves." ~Dr. John Becker
• "Larry works in mysterious ways." ~Boyd Crossman
• “Would a lucky day destroy your view of life as a bleak and punishing [Tartarus]?” ~Reggie Kostas
• "This isn't just a bear, it's a plush omen of doom." ~Reggie Kostas
• “Do you live in a cartoon?” ~Margaret Wyborn
• "I've thought about it, and I've decided I'm hired." ~Margaret Wyborn

Blackadder

• “If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start.” ~Edmond Blackadder
• "There's nothing intellectual about wandering around Italy in a big shirt trying to get laid." ~Blackadder on Shelley, Coleridge, and Byron
• “I think the phrase rhymes with ‘clucking bell’.” ~Edmond Blackadder

Bonkers

• "By the powers vested in me by people who don't know any better..." ~Bonkers D. Bobcat
• "I may be a rabbit, but I'm only human." ~Fallapart
• “They say the pen is mightier than the sword. Let’s see if the typewriter is mightier than the bulldozer.” ~Lucky Piquel
• “Knowing him and having to share space with him are two different things.” ~Lucky Piquel on Fallapart Rabbit
• “I already looked for my inner self. There’s no one in there.” ~Lucky Piquel
• “He’s gonna bring back my ulcer, I know it.” ~Lucky Piquel
• “If I don’t within 24 hours, I’ll lose my job. And I like my job. I use it to buy food. I like food.” ~Lucky Piquel
• “Only eight more years to retirement. Just gotta keep tellin’ myself that.” ~Lucky Piquel

Boy Meets World

• “Too many years of sixth graders have bled me of my humanity.” ~George Feeny
• “Have you taken a blow to the head, Mr. Matthews?” ~George Feeny
• “Mr. Matthews, unhand that Minkus.” ~George Feeny
• “Your children are the spawn of Satan.” ~George Feeny to Alan Matthews
• “On the husband highway, there’s very little forward traffic, just a million well-intentioned men backing up frantically.” ~George Feeny
• “Did you hear that? I’m gonna be okay in this world. I don’t have to be a criminal.” ~Shawn Hunter
• “By day, two ordinary kids. By night, two ordinary kids on a bus. Talkin’ dirty.” ~Shawn Hunter
• “I don’t wanna die before I know what ‘woo’ is.” ~Shawn Hunter
• “Yeah, I’m squealing. That’s the sound you make when your friend takes a gun and stabs you in the back right in front of your eyes.” ~Shawn Hunter
• “This is our school! I’m not turning my back. I sleep here every day!” ~Shawn Hunter
• “You’re as shady as I am, and you can’t deal with it.” ~Shawn Hunter to Cory Matthews
• “Okay, that’s just logic. That’s getting in the way.” ~Jason Marsden
• “Bumperhead Man! I heard you were single and came as quick as I could.” ~Jason Marsden
• “The future’s always incomplete. That’s why they call it ‘the future.’ When it’s complete, they tend to call it ‘the past’.” ~Alan Matthews
• “I’ve been a parent for fifteen years. I think I know a little better than to trust my own kids.” ~Alan Matthews
• “Cory, you’re grounded for two weeks...I don’t know [what you did], but the way you’re acting, it’s gotta be worth two weeks.” ~Alan Matthews
• “I heard that Shawn might be involved to the extent that, well, he did it.” ~Alan Matthews
• “You see, son, if all of our customers are dead from falling off a cliff, the business is going to fall off, too.” ~Alan Matthews
• “Say goodbye to your poor, exploited brother, Sweetie.” ~Amy Matthews
• “The trick to raising a twelve-year-old is to ignore him.” ~Amy Matthews
• “The universe will catch up with us. We will get caught.” ~Cory Matthews
• “Did you know your husband’s cheating on me with another son?” ~Cory Matthews
• “We’re American! We’re independent! We get our goods from Japan!” ~Cory Matthews
• “Can I stop whining and shove a sword through someone’s chest?” ~Cory Matthews while portraying Hamlet
• “Maybe if Hamlet hadn't worn tights, he could have made a decision or two.” ~Cory Matthews
• “Just because we’re kids with a blender doesn’t mean we have to make a mess.” ~Cory Matthews
• “I’m the Prince of Sprinkleland.” ~Cory Matthews
• “Sex is like riding a bike without training wheels: if you try too soon, you’ll fall off and break your head.” ~Eric Matthews
• “Nobody’s home? Goodbye pants.” ~Eric Matthews
• “Jack, I think she’s a witch. And not a good witch like Glinda, but a bad witch like with the monkeys.” ~Eric Matthews
• “She belongs to El Diablo.” ~Eric Matthews
• “She’s a witch, she talks to the devil, and apparently I’m standing between her and the portal to [Tartarus].” ~Eric Matthews
• “I’d kill you, but I can’t move.” ~Eric Matthews
• “Making out is not a spectator sport.” ~Eric Matthews
• “Don’t mock what I am, Mr. Feeny.” ~Eric Matthews
• “I can’t stop every woman who wants to sign my arm.” ~Eric Matthews
• “I’m dating a popular girl because I was smart enough to get in on the ground floor.” ~Eric Matthews
• “Cute. Dated, unbelievably uncool, but cute.” ~Eric Matthews
• “Well, I’m always willing to get romantic advice from a fetus.” ~Eric Matthews to Cory
• “I am a dating god. Worship me.” ~Eric Matthews
• “Sometimes you’ve got to know when to ignore me.” ~Eric Matthews
• “I’m gonna kill you. And then I’m gonna bring you back to life and kill you again.” ~Eric Matthews
• “Cory, I want to say that in this, the darkest hour of your youth, I’m trying really hard not to laugh.” ~Eric Matthews
• “If pushed, I’d say you’re just slightly less dangerous than lime Jello.” ~Eric Matthews
• “No. Can’t calm, must panic!” ~Eric Matthews
• “You’ve Topanga’d me to death, man!” ~Eric Matthews to Cory
• “I want you in pants!” ~Eric Matthews to Cory
• “It’s got Irene, it’s got soup, it’s got pie, why should I leave?” ~Eric Matthews
• “You want me to date a townie? Oh, that is great, Mom. I can see ‘em right now, sitting on their couch in their ratty bathrobe, watching daytime tv and eating bonbons. [beat] These are coco puffs. And I’m a detective.” ~Eric Matthews
• “If we could just get beyond that little nagging moral issue that all those people are going to die, we could be very successful.” ~Eric Matthews

Camp Lazlo

• "You shouldn't be watching nature. This is camping. Camping is about having nothing to do...in nature." ~Scout Master Lumpus

CatDog

• "The world needs stupid people. They're like society's glue. You know, stupid glue." ~Cat
• "Give me liberty, or give me a sprained ankle!" ~Cat
• "Remember kids, the world is not your friend." ~Safety Sammie

Cheers

• "Say, Cliff, what say we trot on down to the emergency room just for fun." ~Dr. Frasier Crane

Clarissa Explains it All

• “What if they’re trying to reach us and they’re being thwarted by narrow-minded logic-heads?” ~Clarissa Darling on extraterrestrials

Daria

• “Ow! Those paintball thingies hurt!” ~Most of the Daria cast
• "There are no stupid questions, just stupid people." ~Anthony DeMartino
• "Tad dropped a spore!" ~Trisha Gupty
• "See? Not every human being is a manipulative, opportunistic letch. At least, that's what I'm told." ~Jodi Landon
• “Being Jane Lane’s what I do best.” ~Jane Lane
• "Why settle for vanity when you can have pure egotism?" ~Jane Lane
• "I like having low self esteem. Makes me feel special." ~Jane Lane
• “Oh, uh, Daria, maybe we should go inside before lightening strikes and bits of you get all over my nice, new shoes.” ~Jane Lane
• “The pursuit of excellence? You mean, you don’t have to actually catch it?” ~Jane Lane
• “Everyone yells at the TV. The TV deserves it.” ~Jane Lane in The Angst Guy’s “Silent Night”
• "The system sucks." ~Jane Lane
• "Cheer, cheer, cheer/Yell, yell, yell/Who cares who wins?/We're all going to [Tartarus]." ~Jane Lane
• "And the dish ran away with the spoon. But Hawaii was the only state that would recognize the marriage as legal." ~Jane Lane
• "We're like artists, and this is how we screw ourselves." ~Jane Lane
• "I'm always late. That's why I don't wear a watch. They depress me." ~Trent Lane
• “The second set is just the stuff that’s not good enough for the first. I wouldn’t stay for it either, if I weren’t in the band.” ~Trent Lane
• "Okay, this time, let's reverse the polarity of the plug." ~Trent Lane, channeling The Third Doctor
• “Both of you girls are riding the glory train bound for the railroad station of graduation, and we’re due to arrive only one year from now. It would be a shame if something happened to cause that glory train of graduation to jump from the trestle of incomplete transcripts and fall into the great, dark canyon of burger flipping.” ~Ms. Li in The Angst Guy’s “Home on Deranged”
• "I've already told you, no resignations while class is in session!" ~Ms. Li to Mr. DeMartino
• "We are now entering [Tartarus]. Please keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle." ~Daria Morgendorffer
• "I don't like to smile unless I have a reason." ~Daria Morgendorffer
• “I wish people spoke in subtitles. Then I could just close my eyes.” ~Daria Morgendorffer
• “Isn’t ‘ointment’ a cool word?” ~Daria Morgendorffer
• “I’m always open to new experiences. Just so I don’t have to leave my room.” ~Daria Morgendorffer
• “I love learning. I just wish school weren’t always in the way.” ~Daria Morgendorffer
• “School activities are for people who haven’t discovered the thrill of counting ceiling cracks.” ~Daria Morgendorffer
• “The biggest advantage to prison is getting out and telling your parents’ friends you weren’t really studying abroad.” ~Daria Morgendorffer
• “They say ‘All you need is love,’ but would brains be so much to ask for?” ~Daria Morgendorffer
• “Is there such a word as ‘intolerabler’?” ~Daria Morgendorffer
• “Madness looks better when it’s neatly organized.” ~Daria Morgendorffer in Galen Hardesty’s “The Whole Truth”
• “She fakes sanity real good.” ~Daria Morgendorffer about Jodie Landon in Galen Hardesty’s “The Whole Truth”
• “All that matters in a relationship is that you like the same pizza toppings.” ~Daria Morgendorffer
• "I am not going to pierce my belly button. It never did anything to me." ~Daria Morgendorffer
• "Life goes faster when you're somewhere else." ~Daria Morgendorffer
• "Nothing says 'I'm sorry' like an herb-grow road kill." ~Daria Morgendorffer
• “Well, if we can put a man on the moon, then surely we can put an elephant on ‘Oprah.’” ~Daria Morgendorffer in The Angst Guy’s “Driving Miss Daria”
• “When our civilization collapses, future generations will blame testosterone.” ~Daria Morgendorffer in The Angst Guy’s “Home on Deranged”
• “My verbal skills are no match for your schizophrenia.” ~Daria Morgendorffer to Jane Lane in The Angst Guy’s “Family Affairs”
• “If a man was able to read a woman’s mind, that would doom civilization. No one would have children, nations would fall, and we’d be at the mercy of the coyotes and possums.” ~Daria Morgendorffer in The Angst Guy’s “The Thirteenth Man”
• “If you hit someone with a rock, the message is clear and not subject to misinterpretation or spin.” ~Daria Morgendorffer in Richard Lobinske’s “Nine-Eleven and Counting”
• "[Trent] tries not to make any sudden movements...or gradual ones." ~Daria Morgendorffer
• "Lousy real world..." ~Daria Morgendorffer
• "I've written a lot of stuff, but it's not up to my standards. And that disturbs me because I don't have standards." ~Daria Morgendorffer
• “If I get killed during liftoff, that’s a major system failure!” ~Daria Morgendorffer in The Angst Guy’s “Drive”
• "There's nothing like watching the sun rise...except watching it set in reverse." ~Daria Morgendorffer
• "My goal is not to wake up at forty with the bitter realization that I've wasted my life in a job I hate because I was forced to decide on a career in my teens." ~Daria Morgendorffer
• "Please, god, no amusing surprises..." ~Daria Morgendorffer
• "The problem with going to restaurants is that they're not in my room." ~Daria Morgendorffer
• "My hormones don't rage. Oh, sure, they get mad sometimes, but then they just stop speaking to each other." ~Daria Morgendorffer
• “Why don’t they just put Marmaduke to sleep?” ~Jake Morgendorffer
• “You can just forget it, missy; Jake Morgendorffer doesn’t repeat himself! Doesn’t. Repeat. Him. Self!” ~Jake Morgendorffer
• “Avenge me!” ~Jake Morgendorffer
• “She hardly didn’t eat anything at lunch today.” ~Quinn Morgendorffer about Stacy Rowe
• "If you get thrown off a horse, you have to get back up and shoot it, right?" ~Quinn Morgendorffer
• "That's how we do it in America, comrade." ~Quinn Morgendorffer
• "I'm not going to continue to live my life like some kind of monk in a nunnery." ~Quinn Morgendorffer
• "I hate the present, too, but not enough to wear a zoot suit." ~Tom Sloane
• “Normal dates are for people who have no imagination.” ~Tom Sloane
• “It’s true. If I cared enough, I’d dress like a dead guy, too.” ~Tom Sloane
• “If you’re not going to leave a flaming bag of dog [droppings] on my doorstep, at least come in.” ~Tom Sloane
• "I don’t like anyone before eleven a.m. on a weekend." ~Tom Sloane in The Angst Guy's "A Midsummer Nightmare's Daria"
• “But what about our eternal love that was supposed to last till graduation?!" ~Brittany Taylor

Darkwing Duck

• “I’m really not sinister, just misunderstood.” ~Dr. Reginald Bushroot
• "Some people grow up and some just grow older." ~Darkwing Duck
• "Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed." ~Darkwing Duck
• “Let’s see…14 mile drop at something approaching the speed of light…We may be in for a rough landing, LP.” ~Darkwing Duck
• "A veritable magic kingdom of fun for the whole family." ~Darkwing Duck
• “I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the pebble in the shoe of ignominy. I am...ZE QUEEN OF ZE GALAXY!" ~Darkwing Duck and Talaya
• “The life of a crime fighter is never easy. Especially when his sidekick uses his cape to wax the car...” ~Darkwing Duck
• “Aside from sustaining massive internal injury and being chased by the Army, the Navy, and a troop of Girl Scouts with pinking shears, yeah. I’d say I’m fine.” ~Darkwing Duck
• “Burying your father could adversely affect your allowance.” ~Darkwolf Dog
• "Cases are so much easier when the bad guy offs himself like that..." ~Darkwing Duck
• "Posilutely absitive." ~Darkwing Duck
• "Singed but triumphant!" ~Darkwing Duck
• "I always tell the truth, even if I have to lie to do it." ~Darkwing Duck
• "Why do the weird ones always fall for me?" ~Darkwing Duck
• "Nothing like getting blown up to boost the old morale." ~Darkwing Duck
• "So many adjectives, so little time." ~Darkwing Duck
• "I have that icky feeling in the pit of my stomach again..." ~Darkwing Duck
• "Okay, so I don't practice what I preach. I'm a parent; I can get away with it." ~Darkwing Duck
• "The future doesn't leave recorded messages, by the way, so you'd better be there to answer." ~Darkwing Duck
• "Fortunately, I never leave home without a heavy-duty hydraulic jack." ~Darkwing Duck
• “Night is my favourite time of day.” ~Darkwing Duck
• “Launchpad, the secret to being a good parent is letting your child know who’s boss. ‘Course, a ten spot never hurt, either...” ~Darkwing Duck
• "It's alright to be manipulated, as long as you *know* you're being manipulated." ~Drake Mallard
• "I could never say no to my little girl! Not if I want to wake up in the morning..." ~Drake Mallard
• "I'll convince them that violence isn't the answer if I have to kill them!" ~Morgana McCawber
• "Father, if you blow up my boyfriend, I'll never speak to you again!" ~Morgana McCawber
• "The cows are not what they seem." ~Launchpad McQuack
• "They called me crazy. They called me insane. They called me LOONEY! Boy, were they right." ~Megavolt
• "I can't believe I'm missing Mystery Science Theater 3000 for this." ~Megavolt in C. Sparky Read's classic "Back to Basics"
• “Morning people should be OUTLAWED.” ~Megavolt in Captain Chaotica!!’s “Reversed Polarity”
• “WHY couldn't I have suddenly turned into an electrically-powered freak in January? Or while visiting the North Pole...?" ~Megavolt on rubber jumpsuits in Captain Chaotica!!’s “Reversed Polarity”
• “This is wrong, all wrong. And in definite need of repair!” ~Megavolt
• "No one can save you now! You’re chemistry! No, not Chemistry. Math! Phys Ed? History. Yeah. You’re history!” ~Megavolt
• “When in doubt, accessorize.” ~The Mysterious Masked Avenger of Evil
• "This accelerator will speed up all the molecules in this safe, allowing me to walk in between and nab the loot. Either that, or blow up the entire city. Whatever. It'll be a blast." ~Negaduck
• “I feel terrible stooping to such petty crimes. But you can’t imagine how expensive a thermonuclear warhead is these days.” ~Negaduck
• “You can never have too many rubber duckies.” ~Quackerjack
• "I don’t know who your tailor is, but I suggest you sue.” ~Quackerjack
• "When you’ve got ten million dollars in your checking account, you can have any toy you waa-ant!” ~Quackerjack
• “Ah, another satisfied subscriber to the Cliché of the Month Club.” ~Steelbeak
• "My dad said, 'go to my room,' but he didn't say 'stay'!" ~Gosalyn Waddlemeyer Mallard
• "Hey, I'm a kid. I'm supposed to be irresponsible." ~Gosalyn Waddlemeyer
• "Run for it! He's going to reminisce!" ~Gosalyn Waddlemeyer Mallard
• "If I had known this was going to be my last meal, I would have eaten more." ~Gosalyn Waddlemeyer Mallard
• "'Come on, Gosalyn, camping will be fun!' There's obviously some definition of fun that I don't know about." ~Gosalyn Waddlemeyer Mallard

Dave the Barbarian

• "As part of my staff restructuring program, I'm having them liquidated…Relax, it's just a technical term. Means I'm turning them into soup." ~Chuckles the Silly Piggy
• "Surrender, foul piggy, or I'll...TIDY UP!" ~Dave the Barbarian
• “Eat delicately seasoned doom!” ~Dave the Barbarian
• "Honey, remind me to get you another brain cell. TO KEEP THE ONE YOU'VE GOT COMPANY!!" ~Lula
• “There are words to describe how stupid that is, but if I said them, they’d get bleeped.” ~Lula
• "And so, Fang convinced Dave to join the Mongrel Hordes by using an ancient mind control technique known as...lying." ~Narrator
• “Obviously you’ve never touched a monkey. It’s kinda addicting.” ~Strom the Slayer

Dead Ringers

• "I am the North made flesh!" ~"Christopher Eccleston"
• "I am The Doctor. I travel in space and time. And...trains." ~"The Fourth Doctor"

Desperate Housewives

• "Look at you, you've declared Jihad on a possum." ~Tom Scavo

Dexter's Laboratory

• “Just Dewy it.” ~Dexter
• “I am up a paddle without a creek!” ~Dexter

Doctor Floyd

• “I’m not really the expert on afterlife torture, I’m just a participant.” ~Dr. Doug
• “If there’s one thing this situation needs, it’s a well-placed plot device.” ~Dr. Floyd

The Drew Carey Show

• “No offense, sir, but when I die, I plan to take enough people with me for it to be worth it.” ~Drew Carey
• "What good is democracy if you can't get what you want?” ~Drew Carey
• “My grandfather was a general in the Salvation Army. Until he went crazy and led an attack against a Good Will store.” ~Oswald
• "If you let the system beat you long enough, eventually it's gonna get tired." ~Oswald

Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2 Century

• “If there’s one thing I know, it’s how a vapid, shallow mind works.” ~Duck Dodgers
• “Once again, I’ve alienated our target demographic.” ~Duck Dodgers after singing a song to the tune of “Suwannee River”
• "You've perforated my pancreas..." ~Duck Dodgers

Duck Tales

• "But I'm too young to die! And too nice! And much, much, MUCH too nervous!” ~Fenton Crackshell

Eureka

• "Let's not shoot the crazy end-of-the-world machine just yet, okay." ~Jack Carter

Everybody Loves Raymond

• "Why are you afraid to be healthy?" ~Amy Barone to Robert Barone
• "Do you know how close you are to the end of your life?" ~Debra Barone
• "Ray, I'm sorry about your whole life." ~Debra Barone
• "Robert, you have every right to be upset, but I will get a stepladder and fight you to the death over this." ~Debra Barone
• "You tricked us into thinking you weren't pigs, but you're worse than pigs - you're talking pigs who lie!" ~Debra Barone
• "That is one special kind of idiot." ~Frank Barone
• "Alright, Frank, what's wrong? You don't just say no to pie, and touch my shoulder, and think." ~Marie Barone
• “We’re Italian, Robert. ‘Whack’ means something else to us.” ~Ray Barone
• "That is a COMPLETELY WRONG ANALOGY!" ~Ray Barone
• "Can someone please tell me why my worst nightmare is COMING TRUE?!" ~Ray Barone
• "A spokesman should be someone who's good at public speaking - I'm practically wetting myself right now." ~Ray Barone
• "I am someone who did not read Tom Sawyer, and yet I didn't not turn out to be a hobo." ~Ray Barone
• "The amazing thing is that I can function at all." ~Ray Barone
• "You stammer because you know I speak truth." ~Ray Barone
• "Oh, god, now I've gotta have that dream..." ~Ray Barone
• "This is fantastic. Somebody's got to show me how to do a cartwheel right now." ~Ray Barone

Fairly Oddparents

• “We're two halves of a whole idiot!" ~Cosmo
• “I don’t believe in luck, but I do subscribe to the theory of horribly inconvenient coincidences.” ~Timmy Turner
• “If I don’t make it out of here, tell my dad…he’s weird.” ~Timmy Turner

Father Ted

• "I'm hugely confused, Ted." ~Father Dougal Maguire

Fawlty Towers

• "Is this a piece of your brain?" ~Basil Fawlty brandishing a piece of rubbish

Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends

• “Donde esta ese pollo loco?!” ~Eduardo
• “I don’t get all yelly!” ~Eduardo
• “If they were hare-brained, they’d be clever!” ~Mr. Harriman
• “You’re a stupid and terrible person because you do not appreciate the corners of apartments.” ~Blooregard Q. Kazoo
• "Wait! Stop! I just wanna punch you!" ~Blooregard Q. Kazoo
• “This will only hurt for a second!” ~Blooregard Q. Kazoo
• “Bloo hungy. Me want chicky tonight.” ~Blooregard Q. Kazoo
• “I most certainly am not a burrito.” ~Blooregard Q. Kazoo
• “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go catch my naked friend.” ~Blooregard Q. Kazoo
• “Scribble liberty!” ~Mac
• “I’m sorry, that is not okay.” ~Wilt
• “Sorry, but prepare to get suckulated!” ~Wilt

Frasier

• “Dad, I am not a lobster.” ~Dr. Frasier Crane
• “Time is irrelevant here in the seventh circle of hell.” ~Dr. Frasier Crane
• “That was a pot brownie, for god’s sake; you’re stoned off your [tailfeathers].” ~Dr. Frasier Crane to his father
• “Eddie is a pet, he doesn’t get to have a pet.” ~Dr. Frasier Crane
• "That's a nice tidy little way of saying I'm in [Tartarus]." ~Dr. Frasier Crane
• "The little rat is scintillating!" ~Dr. Frasier Crane
• “See, if you go, Dad and I will kill each other. I'm not just tossing out hyperbole here, I'm speaking in the most literal sense, Dad and I, both dead. He'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue.” ~Dr. Frasier Crane
• “I’ll just add that to my list of reasons to die.” ~Dr. Frasier Crane
• "You know, I'd forgotten what a weird little person you are..." ~Dr. Frasier Crane to Dr. Niles Crane
• “Nothing spoils an apple pie like apples.” ~Dr. Frasier Crane
• "You're a complex little pirate, aren't you?" ~Dr. Frasier Crane
• "Oh, what fresh [Tartarus] is this?" ~Dr. Frasier Crane
• "Daphne, I would rather have a tarantula lay eggs in my ear than see the rest of this puppet show." ~Dr. Frasier Crane
• "For the last time, Dad, we are not the same age." ~Dr. Frasier Crane
• "We do have our baggage, don't we? But sometimes that's what makes the trip so interesting." ~Dr. Frasier Crane
• "I didn't realise it was too much to ask that there not be GUNPLAY IN MY LIVINGROOM!" ~Dr. Frasier Crane
• "Ah, yes. Dog saliva. Nature's miracle solvent." ~Dr. Frasier Crane
• "Why does everything with you shrinks start in the crotch?" ~Martin Crane
• "Why does everything with you shrinks start in the crotch?" ~Martin Crane
• "I'm gonna sit in the tub with a hair drier and wait for the power to come back on." ~Martin Crane
• "I don't need a manual, I need a pair of wire strippers, a hammer, and a beer." ~Martin Crane
• “At least you’re deep enough to realize how shallow you are.” ~Dr. Niles Crane
• “Tonight when Orpheus descends into [Tartarus], I’ll be there waiting with a fruit basket!” ~Dr. Niles Crane
• "This is a nightmare! I have to watch the Superbowl?!" ~Dr. Niles Crane
• "I should warn you that, while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian, so there'll be no blaming mother today." ~Dr. Niles Crane
• "Isn't that interesting...something formerly ham." ~Dr. Niles Crane
• "I learned that if you kiss [Lilith] too fast, you get an ice cream headache." ~Dr. Niles Crane
• "I'll just check outside to see if the world has ended." ~Dr. Niles Crane
• "We may be barbarians, but we pay for our pillaging." ~Dr. Niles Crane
• "I don't blame you, I blame the people at Mantastic." ~Roz Doyle

Freaks and Geeks

• "That's it. I'm gonna die in gym class." ~Neal Schweiber
• "The dance is tomorrow. She's a cheerleader, you've seen Star Wars 47 times. You do the math." ~Neal Schweiber
• "Did you know that, in some countries, if your children shame you, you're allowed to have them executed? Well I feel shamed." ~Harold Weir
• “Everybody’s got parents, Jean. Even hookers.” ~Harold Weir
• "Just keep those boys away from your accordion." ~Harold Weir
• "I don't need another friend. I already have two. I mean, how many friends does a guy need?" ~Sam Weir
• "Is it just me or does the whole world suck?" ~Lindsay Weir
• "We're all unhappy. That's the thing about life." ~Lindsay Weir

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

• "The ninties are going to be all about restraint." ~Decorator
• "I want you on your best behaviour tonight. No, let me revise that: I want you on a _normal_ person's best behaviour." ~Geoffrey
• "When we have children like that in England, we encourage them to emigrate." ~Geoffrey
• "I think it'll be deeply, deeply dope." ~Will Smith
• "Look, if I've gotta hose down some poultry to pull this off, then that's what I'm gonna do." ~Will Smith
• "G, red or brown?!" ~Will Smith

Friends

• "Cookies and porn? You're the best mom EVER!" ~Ross Gellar

Full House

• “Did I just hear an ‘Oh, no’ from a man with a power saw?” ~Jesse Katsopolis

Futurama

• "Oh...your...god." ~Bender
• “When will men learn that all races are inferior to robots?” ~Bender
• “Read ‘em and leak salt water.” ~Bender
• “You’re more than popular – you’re pure lowest common denominator.” ~Bender’s agent
• "You win again, gravity." ~Zap Brannigan
• "Please, Fry... I don't know how to teach, I'm a professor!" ~Professor Farnsworth
• “Existing is basically all I do!” ~Philip J. Fry
• "This is HDTV - it's got better resolution than the real world." ~Phillip J. Fry
• “I don’t know about your previous captains, but I plan to do as little dying as possible.” ~Turanga Leela
• "Everyone knows that twenty-first century colleges were basically expensive daycare centers." ~Turanga Leela

Garfield and Friends

• “Another day, another six-hundred things to dread.” ~Wade Duck

Gargoyles

• "Death is always pointless. That is the point." ~Anubis
• “You would not like to see the jackal god play favourites.” ~Anubis
• “Last time we met, you just wanted to blow me away with a bazooka.” ~Brooklyn in response to Demona’s “I just want to talk to you.”
• “Come on, Bronx. No sense staying up here where it’s safe.” ~Brooklyn
• “Thanks for saving my bacon before it got fried.” ~Brooklyn to Lexington
• “Remind me not to get hit by one of those.” ~Brooklyn on trains
• "Service is its own reward. I would have thought you knew that." ~Owen Burnett to Hudson
• “A land with a hero soon finds other deeds for him to do.” ~Goliath
• “What an interesting crowd I run with.” ~Fox in Captain Chaotica!!’s “Spellbound”
• "Not everyone can reclaim their head after they've lost it." ~Hudson
• “What you choose to do with your life is your own affair, as long as it doesn’t involve me.” ~Hudson
• "Swordless? Maybe. Helpless? Never." ~Hudson
• "Well that's sicker than usual." ~Jackal to Hyena's "I still find [Coyote] very attractive."
• “You rode a horse once. Could you build one from spare parts?” ~Lexington
• “They should have Halloween more often.” ~Lexington
• “Revenge is a dish best eaten cold.” ~MacBeth
• “Are you telling me I should fight a creature of legend…with a stick?” ~Natsiolani (sp?)
• “Still, turning people into another species on a whim and almost killing them with their own weapons is the kind of thing that can come back to haunt a guy..." ~Puck in Captain Chaotica!!’s “Spellbound”
• "Hey, finding loopholes in a wish by deliberately misinterpreting the words is pretty much EXPECTED, for a captive magical creature. You obviously haven't read enough fairy tales, bat-lady." ~Puck in Captain Chaotica!!’s “Spellbound”
• "It was a romp, indeed!" ~Puck
• "Puck is many things, but never a poor guest." ~Puck
• "I live for subterfuge." ~Puck"
• "I have a sunny disposition and I'm always kind to animals." ~Puck
• “Books are lighthouses erected in the dark sea of time.” ~Jeffrey Robbins
• "If it gets any more saccharine in there, I'm going to put a finger down my throat." ~Dr. Anton Sevarius
• “But you didn’t. So you won’t. Time travel’s funny that way.” ~David Xanatos
• “It’s so hard to program good help these days.” ~David Xanatos
• "Give my regards to Broadway." ~David Xanatos
• "Do I really need an excuse to have a good time in my own home?" ~David Xanatos' response to Lexington's "Then why were you shooting at us?"
• "It's my first stab at clichéd villainy. How am I doing?" ~David Xanatos

Golden Girls

• "It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it." ~Dorothy Zbornak
• "We have Maalox and estrogen." ~Dorothy Zbornak

Grey's Anatomy

• "Preston Xavier Burke, what have you done with my suck ups?" ~Dr. Miranda Bailey
• “We’re taking turns. It’s polite, and it’s keeping me from yelling.” ~Denny Duquette
• “Apparently, God hates me.” ~Dr. George O’Malley
• “Oh, hi, chief. Nope, not much going on, well, other than your intern chief making out with my friend in the stairwell, but hey... Sponge duty sucks....I'm a bad sponge. A leaky sponge. I'm gonna leak all the wrong secrets. I'm a bad liar. I can't even lie about talking to myself.” ~Dr. George O’Malley
• “You hesitated!” ~Dr. George O’Malley
• “We’re family. Izzy and Meredith and Christina and I, we’re family. I may hate her...but she is family, and I will always defend her.” ~Dr. George O’Malley
• “The thing about families is you don’t necessarily like what they do – their choices, their decisions – but you stick by them.” ~Dr. George O’Malley
• “That’s life. And life...sucks.” ~Dr. George O’Malley
• "Apparently, God hates me." ~Dr. George O'Malley
• "You...are kind of awesome." ~Dr. George O'Malley
• "I don't know you well enough to have this conversation..." ~Dr. George O'Malley
• "I don't know you well enough to have this conversation..." ~Dr. George O'Malley
• "You know what he needs? A long speech." ~Dr. George O'Malley
• “Love means never using your girlfriend as a human shield.” ~Patient on Grey’s Anatomy
• "Inside voice. Um...we found an arm in the road..." ~Random guy
• “You don’t talk to [jerkfaces] who cheat on their girlfriends.” ~Dr. Izzy Stevens
• “I’m not going to be responsible for you becoming less human.” ~Dr. Richard Webber
• "Kidnapped babies make for lots of paperwork." ~Dr. Richard Webber
• “I didn’t like teenage girls when I was a teenage girl.” ~Dr. Christina Yang
• "When a person wants to die, you let them. It's polite." ~Charlie Yost

Hercules: The Animated Series

• "I don't get it. What's the point of being rich if you're going to be nice to everyone?" ~Adonis
• “Why is it no one takes me seriously unless I’m joking?” ~Cassandra
• "I foretold you so!" ~Cassandra
• "And the forecast for tonight is Perky." ~Cassandra on Helen of Troy
• “Aw, come on. Just let him get lightly mauled.” ~Cassandra on Icarus
• "Why is it no one takes me seriously unless I'm joking?" ~Cassandra
• "Sweet Apollo on a flaming chariot…!" ~Daedalus
• "One must not take over the world without a doomsday device. It's simply not done." ~Epsilon
• "Everybody's happy! Well, me. *I'm* happy. Everyone else is racked with pain. Nice." ~Hades
• "I learned, you know, FRY first, gloat later." ~Hades
• "I could have had a nice three-headed goldfish." ~Hades
• "The business has gone to, well, you know, to here." ~Hades
• "I'm gonna go out on a limb here and predict that my dear nephew blows it. Badly." ~Hades
• "My patience is starting to wear…it's out! BOOM! No more patience!" ~Hades
• "Icarus, get off the uvula." ~Hercules
• "He's mortal. Obnoxious, but mortal." ~Hercules on Adonis
• "Hey! You're laughing evilly!" ~Hercules
• “What good is immortality if you don’t test it once in a while?” ~Hermes
• "Open mouth, Insert hoof." ~Hermes to Philoctetes
• "We just checked in a bunch of new dead people and I've got to go see who needs doom-service." ~Hermes
• “Gym. The bane of my existence.” ~Icarus
• "This would be a good time for Zeus to take a personal interest in my life." ~Icarus
• “But is she a nice demi-goddess of vengeance?” ~Icarus
• “Oh, cool! I’m gonna make me some magic socks!” ~Icarus
• "Welcome to the cafeteria: Bad food in large quantities." ~Icarus
• "Wow. Two heads. Oh! You can eat AND think at the same time!" ~Icarus
• "Stick to original evil plan or accept this new wrinkle in my life...hmm...Evil plan." ~Icarus
• "Sir, are you being ironic again? Cause it's really hard to tell." ~Panic
• "Eternity's not as long as it used to be." ~Pain
• “For generations we've used the oracular reading of oxen guts to predict our student's careers (or lack thereof). We tried [aptitude tests] (The oxen guts were more accurate by 72%).” ~Mr. Parenthesis
• "A group is nothing more than a bunch of one persons together. Multiplied." ~Philoctetes

Hey Arnold!

• "Uh- Sometimes, my pants, ...they talk." ~Arnold
• "Chinese checkers is a game of marbles and I've already lost most of mine." ~Grandpa Phil
• “What the Helen of Troy is that?” ~Grandpa Phil
• "Looks like young Arnold has another one of his complex, Labyrinthine conundrums of a boyhood problem." ~Grandpa Phil
• "Never trust the quiet ones. They'll go bonkers and hole up in the principal's office." ~Helga G. Pataki

Home Improvement

• “I like it when you’re deluded; you’re much easier to deal with.” ~Jill Taylor
• "If something good happens to you and Brad and Randy are happy for you, it's probably not a good thing." ~Tim Taylor to Mark

House

• “I’m pretty sure my x-ray machine can take your cell phone in a fight.” ~Dr. Robert Chase
• "She's always looking out for number one, and you're always looking out for whoever you are with. Your needs are going to feed her needs until all that's left is a Wilson chalk outline on the floor." ~Dr. Lisa Cuddy
• "What, you thought they sold cigarettes at this house?" ~Dr. Lisa Cuddy
• "I think you're confusing nice with evil again." ~Dr. Lisa Cuddy
• “Get out of my temporal lobe, House.” ~Dr. Eric Foreman
• "I killed a woman. Don’t you think it's appropriate that I feel like [garbage] for awhile?" ~Dr. Eric Foreman
• "Oh god, [House] has been wooing me for years." ~Dr. Eric Foreman
• “I like my leg. I’ve had it as long as I can remember.” ~Dr. Gregory House
• “Show of hands: who thinks I’m not in my right mind?” ~Dr. Gregory House
• “When I decide to push you away, I hope there’s a small person behind you so you fall over.” ~Dr. Gregory House
• "You're brain-damaged...doomed to feeling good for the rest of your life." ~Dr. Gregory House
• “I love it when you do both sides of the conversation yourself. It’s peaceful, like white noise.” ~Dr. Gregory House
• "In this universe, effect follows cause. I've complained about it, but..." ~Dr. Gregory House
• "[I'm an atheist] only on Christmas and Easter. The rest of the time, it doesn't matter." ~Dr. Gregory House
• "Physics joke. Don't hear enough of those." ~Dr. Gregory House
• "If the wonder's gone when the truth is known, there never was any wonder." ~Dr. Gregory House
• "You handed over her panties. I don't think gallantry is an option." ~Dr. Gregory House
• "Things aren't where we want them to be just because we want them to be there." ~Dr. Gregory House
• "If you want people to drive safer, take out the airbag and attach a machete pointed at their neck." ~Dr. Gregory House
• "Idiots are fun. No wonder every village has one." ~Dr. Gregory House
• “Since when do I need a secret passcode to talk to you?” ~Dr. James Wilson
• “You’re trying to end this conversation by grossing me out? I’m an oncologist.” ~Dr. James Wilson
• “Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?” ~Dr. James Wilson
• "Dr. Jekyll, I presume... They found a half-eaten sheep at the zoo and the police want to ask you a few questions." ~Dr. James Wilson to Dr. Gregory House
• “What I meant by ‘Are you okay?’ was ‘What the [Tartarus] did House do?’” ~Dr. James Wilson
• "Are we role playing? Am I you? I don't want to be you." ~Dr. James Wilson
• "I'm not getting sucked into the vortex of your insanity again." ~Dr. James Wilson
• "So you want me to share the secret scanning techniques I learned in Nepal...? The monks made me swear a blood oath." ~Dr. James Wilson
• "C'est la vie. And I use the French because...you're [a jerk]." ~Dr. James Wilson to Dr. Gregory House
• "I don't know how to deal with him when he's reasonable." ~Dr. James Wilson
• "I'm gonna [tick] off one of them, and they both scare me." ~Dr. James Wilson on Drs. Gregory House and Amber Volakis
• "You said you were taking the high road - what, to the first exit?" ~Dr. James Wilson
• "I thought I was having drinks with a friend. I didn't know the drink had subtext." ~Dr. James Wilson

House of Mouse

• “Oooh, the legal system! They should have a law against it!” ~Peg-Leg Pete
• "Liar, liar, thou pants are ablaze." ~Pluto's angel guy
• “[Donald Duck] sounds like an angry whoopee cushion.” ~Timon

How I Met Your Mother

• "I think my soul just threw up a little bit." ~Lily Aldrin
• "Oh, screw those guys. We're adorable." ~Lily Aldrin
• "You know that calling people names is mean and hurtful. Assface." ~Lily Aldrin
• "Ted, honey, I need you to go outside and bite the curb. I'll be out in a minute." ~Lily Aldrin
• "Ted, Marshall forgot to bring his pants to work today, and you're still the stupidest one at the table." ~Lily Aldrin
• "Put your melon headed spawn in my belly." ~Lily Aldrin
• "You're a sturdy, cheese-bearing cracker." ~Lily Aldrin to Marshall Eriksen
• "It's not awkward unless we let it be awkward." ~Marshall Eriksen
• "Looks like somebody suffered from premature slapulation." ~Marshall Eriksen
• "Hat. We thought of 'Authentic Native American headdress' before we thought of 'hat'." ~Marshall Eriksen
• "Baby, can we grow sandwiches behind the garage?" ~Marshall Eriksen
• "I think you're hugging wrong." ~Marshall Eriksen to Barney
• "Robin, you're not a robot. But, if you are, you're, like, an incredibly advanced model, and the human race doesn't stand a chance." ~Marshall Eriksen
• "I'm cuddly, bitch. Deal with it." ~Marshall Eriksen
• "My legs hurt so bad I can't even fall down." ~Marshall Eriksen
• "Hey, buddy? You wanna maybe let someone who isn't having some sort of manic episode drive for a while?" ~Marshall Eriksen to Ted Mosby
• "Hey, guys - great new game! Drunk or Kid! Which one was I?" ~Marshall Eriksen
• "Why do you talk? Why do you talk?!" ~Ted Mosby to Barney Stinson
• "You were stuck in my head like a Chumbawumba song." ~Ted Mosby
• "Barney, if you did everything on that list, you would die. [beat] That wasn't a challenge." ~Ted Mosby
• "Barney's whole life is a cry for help." ~Ted Mosby
• "I seriously considered marrying her out of sheer awkwardness." ~Ted Mosby
• "These hips are not Eriksen baby compliant." ~Property inspector
• "You're going to make a damn good nun." ~Robin Sherbatsky
• "Come on, the soft spot? If there's gonna be a self-destruct button, hide it somewhere it won't be pressed." ~Robin Sherbatsky
• "You're going to have to find another gender for yourself because I'm revoking your dude membership." ~Barney Stinson
• "Show me you're psyched!" ~Barney Stinson
• "Oh, come on. If you don't laugh, it just seems mean." ~Barney Stinson
• "In my body, where the shame gland should be, there's a second awesome gland." ~Barney Stinson
• "You spooned me against my will!" ~Barney Stinson
• "I'm fine! My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out." ~Barney Stinson
• "Can't stay; gotta try something." ~Barney Stinson
• "Barney Stinson is about to aide and abet a marriage." ~Barney Stinson
• "But you need a plan, and you need a wingman. This is SO going in my blog!" ~Barney Stinson
• "Really. 16 'no's. Really." ~Barney Stinson
• "I lost ten pounds; my suits are wearing me." ~Barney Stinson
• "I'm startin' to think there's some serious planetary crap goin' on here." ~Barney Stinson
• "If god had wanted us to have hindsight, he would have put eyes on our butts." ~Barney Stinson
• "You know, if you re-edit it, there's a tampon commercial in there somewhere." ~Barney Stinson about the "Sandcastles in the Sand" video
• "Lily is a fiendish mastermind, manipulating everyone so that she gets what she wants. She's pure evil. You have a good one. Hold on to her." ~Barney Stinson
• "Ted, I challenged myself to get laid wearing overalls, and, if you stand in my way, then you're letting Barney win. And you don't want that; that smug son of a bitch will never let us hear the end of it." ~Barney Stinson
• "They said I had AD...something. Can we have class outside?" ~Barney Stinson
• "People don't like finding out they've been lied to, because a lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth. Barney Stinson." ~Barney Stinson

Inuyasha

• “We don’t have time to be saving people.” ~Inuyasha
• "Yeah, yeah. Roar roar to you, too, buddy." ~Inuyasha
• "You ought to be arrested." ~Inuyasha to Miroku
• "Oh, well, that's a change. We've never had THEM bring US the jewels before." ~Inuyasha
• "I am not a centipede!" ~Inuyasha
• "He's thanking me? That can't be good." ~Kagome about Inuyasha
• "That's right. Big 'Sit'." ~Kagome
• "And that's why Kagome left me - so I can protect you from being protected by him." ~Shippou about Miroku

Jail

• "I have the right to remain silent, and that's a right." ~belligerent drunk guy being arrested on Jail

Johnny Bravo

• "You have attention span of cheese sandwich." ~Master Hama to Johnny Bravo

Justice League

• "I'm pretty sure there's somethin' I have to do some place..." ~Captain Atom
• "I'm gonna need a longer grapple." ~Batman
• "Next time I let Superman take charge, just hit me real hard." ~Batman
• "My brain's not a nice place to be." ~Batman
• "Who could anticipate you?" ~Batman to the Flash
• "You're cute when you're an insufferable smartypants." ~Black Canary to Green Arrow
• “Look, if we die, I promise I'll let you know.” ~Black Canary
• "And I thought Bats was creepy." ~The Flash about Etrigan
• "Rotten little...curs." ~The Flash
• "This has gotta be a nightmare. When the sun comes up, you'll all still be human--in a super powered, possibly alien kinda way." ~The Flash
• "Swirly lights...fuzzy grilled cheese." ~The Flash waking from a dream
• "I used to be able to goof around so much because I knew Superman had my back. Now all I've got is his example, and that's gonna have to be enough." ~The Flash
• "Yeah, Aquaman could certainly pick up Batman's slack in the pompous jerk department." ~The Flash
• "I can't believe Bats is really Bruce Wayne. You'd think a billionaire playboy could crack a smile every once in a while." ~The Flash
• "Let's put a pin in that theory to explore another time." ~The Flash
• "Now, there's an example of exactly the kinda thing we're not gonna do anymore, right?" ~The Flash to Wonder Woman and Hawkgirl
• "I had dinner with two women at the same time. 'Cause I'm a stud." ~The Flash
• "[Batman’s] running late. The Batmobile? It lost a wheel. The Joker got away. [beat] That's what _I_ heard." ~The Flash
• "I am SO willing to wait my turn..." ~The Flash
• "Hate to interrupt this special live performance of The Thing with Two Heads, but it's time to go to jail, now." ~The Flash
• "You're a stand-up guy, Bats. Don't ever let them call you a crazy loner." ~The Flash
• "I think you'll live to punch suspects another day." ~Green Arrow to Black Canary
• "This is so unnecessary..." ~Green Arrow
• "You're absolutely right. I'm sorry I saved our lives." ~Green Arrow
• "You wanted Superman? Now you've got...The Crimson Avenger and my ex-sidekick." ~Green Arrow
• "He's beaten. Put. The car. Down." ~Hawkgirl
• "The gods are decreeing stuff all the time around here...ma'am." ~Hawkgirl
• "Monkey, I like your style." ~Lex Luthor to Gorilla Grodd
• "I wasn't going to [overthrow you] for another few weeks, but seriously...turning all of humanity into apes? That was your master plan?" ~Lex Luthor to Gorilla Grodd
• "If nothing else, I can find out the Flash's secret identity. [removes mask] I have no idea who this is." ~Lex Luthor possessing The Flash
• "Doctor Fate, your patient just anesthetized himself." ~Mr. Terrific
• "...you have to eat them with a spoon. What am I doing in Africa?" ~Superman
• "He's bigger than my car, now, Katie. Personally, I blame you....otherwise it would be my fault. That can't be right. I'm a professor." ~Dr. Ray Palmer
• "Consarnit dang busted horse-thievin' alien control panel which ain't nobody can work proper...!" ~Vigilante
• "Sir Justin, if you wanna be watchin' stuff on my big TV with the 5.1 surround sound, you had best watch what you say about Mr. Eastwood." ~Vigilante
• "Our enemy is never as evil as we imagine. And maybe we're never quite as good." ~Amanda Waller
• "Enigma's overrated. Especially at three a.m." ~Bruce Wayne
• "You ever get chaffed straddling the fence all the time?" ~Wonder Woman to Superman
• "[Batman] doesn't handle loss very well." ~Wonder Woman

Kim Possible

• "Nature wouldn't have put in more fat than a stick of butter." ~Mr. Barkin about fast food
• “You’re very smug now, aren’t you?” ~Dr. Drakken
• “Cheap rental lair! They know I have excessive power needs!” ~Dr. Drakken
• “Of course, once we enter the New Year, the truce is over! I’m going to open a big bag of freak on all of you!” ~Dr. Drakken
• “To clone any one of you would be a crime against humanity that even I’m incapable of...” ~Dr. Drakken
• "Oh, irony! And it's in MY favour this time!" ~Dr. Drakken
• "It's like a little slice of experimental computer chip heaven." ~Dr. Drakken
• "College dropout, Shego. They let me in, I let myself out." ~Dr. Drakken
• "It's not about the money, I just have a teensy little problem with the flow of my cash." ~Dr. Drakken
• “Toss me the monkey noggin!” ~Duff Killigan
• "Pep rally – some assembly required." ~the Middleton High sign
• “Fredrick, you cannot fight destiny. It’s not done.” ~Monkey Fist
• “’Crazy,’ you say? Like it was ‘crazy’ to spend the family fortune on radical genetic mutation and dangerous experimental surgery? Like it was ‘crazy’ to become a man-monkey who violates every law of nature and science!? It's a touch unconventional...” ~Monkey Fist
• "I'd love to stay and find out who ends up with whom..." ~Monkey Fist
• "You never forget a holiday when you work retail." ~Monique
• “Jim, Tim, there will be no surgery at the dinner table.” ~Dr. Mr. Possible
• “Now, boys, I won't have any airborne vegetables at the dinner table. Use the launch pad in the yard.” ~Dr. Mr. Possible
• "Hon, why is your nemesis in our breakfast nook?" ~Mr. Dr. Possible
• “Nothing says bedtime like a little mind-control.” ~Kim Possible
• “You are so prone to big-headiness.” ~Kim Possible to Ron Stoppable
• “This isn’t about a boy, it’s about Ron.” ~Kim Possible
• “This isn’t one of your stupid science-fiction games, Larry! Ron’s facing a kung-fu mutant with bioengineered hands and mystical monkey pow...here.” ~Kim Possible
• “I’ve got a website, and I’m not afraid to use it.” ~Kim Possible
• “That’s what theories ARE, aren’t they?” ~Kim Possible on jumping to conclusions
• "Our last crime together went perfectly, except the part where we were caught and put in jail." ~Señor Senior Junior
• “Junior, dating an arch-foe is spitting upon villain tradition. Back to the lair with you!” ~Señor Senior, Sr.
• “Okay, let’s get this Operation Too Complicated to Work over with.” ~Shego
• “Oh, I’m sorry...Did you want to rant some more?” ~Shego
• “So that’s what happened to the fish.” ~Shego
• “Just do your computer thing, nerdlinger.” ~Shego
• “You cannot have my DNA! I have a no-cloning clause in my contract!” ~Shego
• “Look, I just don’t want to lose to a giant flamingo.” ~Shego rationalizing her sudden willingness to help Kim Possible
• “That would be SO COOL if it wasn’t about to hurt us.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “No one mass produces Ron Stoppable!” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Bored is good. Bored is safe.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Why not otters? I wouldn’t mind being dropped into a tank of otters. They’re fun.” ~Ron Stoppable
• "Somewhere there's a landfill full of unopened hot sauce." ~Ron Stoppable
• “Are all girls like this or just the ones I know?” ~Ron Stoppable
• “This is not the time for hurtful sarcasm.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “You can take the evil out of the lake, but you can’t take the lake out of the evil.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean Gill isn’t out to get me.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “I think I’m a beaver. I guess when you plunge head-first into a toxic lake, you never know what you’re going to get.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “This elephant totally copped a ‘tude with me." ~Ron Stoppable
• “You can't take your tricycle to a restaurant opening. It's just not done." ~Ron Stoppable
• “Hey! This is no way for troubadours of love to behave!” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Don’t know that I agree, but I admire your passion.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Wade, we’re free-falling off a cliff. This is no time for ‘Oops.’” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Oh, great googly mooglies, what is in my mouth?!” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Time travel: It’s a cornucopia of disturbing concepts.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Really... just cause it's called 911 doesn't mean that's the number? I mean, 711 don't get me 7-11.” ~Ron Stoppable on ronstoppable.net
• “You'd think the whole 'save the world' thing would count for sumthin in school. I'm not trying to be pushy, just... ya know, a free pretzel or sumthin' would be cool.” ~Ron Stoppable on ronstoppable.net
• “Wait! You’re not hallucinating! I’m a real loser!” ~Ron Stoppable, trying to pick up a couple of young ladies
• “Rufus, I think I’m having the most awesome geek dream ever!” ~Ron Stoppable stumbling across the Fearless Ferret’s lair
• “You wait until the blender and I are about to mix it up to mention this...?!” ~Ron Stoppable to a stereo
• “I hate to approve of dishonesty. Except when it works and nobody notices...” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Never be normal.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “I am so over blondes! No novelty value whatsoever!” ~Ron Stoppable after living in Norway for a couple of days
• “Why is everyone in the future ripped?” ~Ron Stoppable
• “You will never see a stranger sight.” ~Ron Stoppable as an army of naked mole rats charged into battle with an army of monkey ninjas
• “Good thing we found the de-bonding tool. I don’t think I could have spent another day as an appendage.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “My advice: be totally and completely sincere...That’s not something I practice, but I think it may work on you.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Run! Run like the wind, little mole rat!” ~Ron Stoppable
• “How do you buy happiness without money?” ~Ron Stoppable
• “She’s not with me! I’m here! And captured!” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Forget danger, woman! Your lies put me behind on my trick-or-treating! I’ll never get that time back!” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Acronym... That’s a school word. I should know this.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “When the health inspectors saw a live rodent, you know, serving the food, the die was cast.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “I am what I is.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Let’s put it this way – on my detention slip, she just put one of those side-ways eight thingies.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “I’m speaking the prestigious international language of cold, hard cash.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “That is so not cool to do to superhero!” ~Ron Stoppable when Kim Possible demasked him
• “Booyah! One for the good guys! Oh...Booyah denied...” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Booyah reinstated!” ~Ron Stoppable
• “The express train to Hottieville left me standin’ at the station.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “I need to drown my sorrows in a Slurpster.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Have I been put on this earth to suffer?!” ~Ron Stoppable
• “If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I could have grande sized!” ~Ron Stoppable
• “An army of evil zombie snowmen! I always knew that’s what would get me!” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Crunchy and spicy has never betrayed me like this before.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Year of the Monkey!? How much monkey is one man supposed to take?!” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Corndogs rock! Why can’t I feel my feet?” ~Ron Stoppable
• “I’ve got footsicles!” ~Ron Stoppable
• “This does not bode well.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Tokyo! I love the French!” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Gross and slow. A potent combination.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Have you ever seen me shimmy? It’s not pretty.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Not a sea cow! Not a sea cow!” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Normally, I’d say that suspicion and paranoia are bad, but that’s what saved us.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Ah, these things happen. To me.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “I’m with the big guy: mad love for the super-strength!” ~Ron Stoppable
• “The Ron needs to let the people know he is a man of wealth. And _taste_.” ~Ron Stoppable
• "You can't spell 'inspiration' without 'procrastination'!" ~Ron Stoppable
• “The knuckle-dragging yin to my knuckle-headed yang.” ~Ron Stoppable about Monkey Fist
• “Dude...I think you’re on a date.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Rufus, I think some serious physics just happened.” ~Ron Stoppable
• “Procrastination is one of the few skills I’ve mastered; don’t slam it!” ~Ron Stoppable
• "Let's not play the blame game...unless you spot me ten points and give me a head start." ~Ron Stoppable
• "Even evil can be cute sometimes." ~Ron Stoppable
• "Hermit crabs...are just hard-shelled ungratefulness." ~Ron Stoppable

King of the Hill

• “Kahn has a mother? I always imagined a pod situation.” ~Dale Gribble
• "There's nothing better to spice up a marriage than dispatching the undead." ~Dale Gribble
• “It’s a fun run. I ran until it stopped being fun anymore. Happened quick.” ~Bobby Hill
• “Dale, get behind the Line of Shame.” ~Hank Hill
• "Dale...are you posting our conversations on the internet again?" ~Hank Hill
• “What the hell kind of a country is this where I can only hate a man if he’s white?” ~Hank Hill
• "What do the contents of my underpants have to do with national security?" ~Hank Hill
• "That's the good thing about death - you either die or you don't." ~Hank Hill
• "It'd just be a shame to throw it out; it's only fifteen years old." ~Hank Hill about a garden hose

Lockup

• "You wanna be interviewed? Come on, get your clothes on." ~Guard

Looney Tunes

• "I'm not crazy, I just don't give a darn." ~Daffy Duck
• "Where's the kaboom? There's supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!!" ~Marvin the Martian

MadTV

• “I have a brother who’s an idiot, so I speak fluent dumbass.” ~an Ike Berenholtz character
• “Anything tastes like a French fry if you dip it in enough ketchup.” ~a Nicole Sullivan character

Malcolm in the Middle

• "Wow! And I thought all that crap people said about love was just to piss me off!" ~Malcolm

MDs

• “I hate to break it to you my friend, but you are not responsible for everything that happens in the world.” ~Dr. Robert Dalgety
• “Sucks being mortal.” ~Dr. Robert Dalgety
• “I don’t think it’s grand theft if you leave a note.” ~Doctor Bruce Kellerman

Medium

• "Fifteen grand - fifteen freakin' grand, just for fallin' on my [bum]. I'm gonna be the man who falls on his [bum] for a living." ~Joe Dubois

Merlin

• "Merlin, come here. Look what I've found. A place where you can put things; it's called a 'cupboard'." ~Arthur
• "In life, you always have a choice. Sometimes it's easier to think that you don't." ~Guinevere
• "It isn't totally horrible all the time." ~Merlin about working for Arthur
• "Whatever you do, don't go into my room. I'll deal with it later." ~Merlin
• "There is no way that is a proverb. You just made that up." ~Merlin
• "You would think that pelting the same person with fruit would lose its appeal after a while, but oh, no." ~Merlin

Mighty Ducks

• "I'm going to reach inside and get in touch with your SPLEEN…!" ~Dragaunus
• "If we get lucky, we might catch Dragaunus...as a bonus! Hey. That didn't rhyme." ~Duke L'Orange
• “Any other obscure movie references you want I should make?” ~Lumpy Lumbago
• "Love isn't blind, it's totally out to lunch!" ~Nosedive
• "If I have to go, I wanna go watching cartoons!" ~Nosedive
• “Every government building should have its own Maze of Infinite Peril.” ~Nosedive
• "The world is in danger! We're saved!" ~Tanya
• "We're alien ducks. How non-conformist can you get?" ~Wildwing

Monk

• “Is it extinct?” ~Lt. Randy Disher about a live fish
• “Look at me – I’m afraid of a cookie.” ~Lt. Randy Disher
• “You’re ordering me not to be awe-struck?” ~Lt. Randy Disher
• “I am dealing with [my toothache] – I’m chewing on the other side.” ~Lt. Randy Disher
• "So, thanks to modern medicine, the Spider Lake Maniac now lives in a public housing project with his pet cat and never bothers anyone. The end." ~Lieutenant Randy Disher
• "It was an epiphany, Monk. You can't just choose when you get it." ~Lieutenant Randy Disher
• "I always felt like a crocus." ~Lieutenant Randy Disher
• "What kind of cop eats a crucial piece of evidence?" ~Lieutenant Randy Disher
• "Please don't offer [Monk] a third choice – his head will explode." ~Sharona Flemming
• “The law doesn’t apply to fruit because it’s perishable.” ~A guy in “Mr. Monk and the Astronaut”
• “I don’t think mugs are legally binding.” ~Dr. Kroger
• “Falling is bad, you know that, right? Be careful! There’s a lot of gravity out there.” ~Adrian Monk
• “I have no problem with change, I just don’t like to be there when it happens.” ~Adrian Monk
• “If I was joking, it would certainly be a lot funnier than this.” ~Adrian Monk
• “Nature...I’ve got nature on my hands.” ~Adrian Monk
• "These folks have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas, which is leaving me alone." ~Adrian Monk
• “You hit me with a death pillow!" ~Adrian Monk
• “I take my level-checking level to the hardware store twice a year to have it calibrated.” ~Adrian Monk
• “No flash, no flash! Retinal scarring!” ~Adrian Monk
• "I'm not afraid, I'm terrified. There's a big difference." ~Adrian Monk
• "This is not a baby wipe, this is an adult wipe." ~Adrian Monk
• "She was patronizing me, wasn't she?" ~Adrian Monk
• "Why didn't you tie me down and shoot me in the leg? What's the good of having a gun if you don't tie your friend down and shoot him in the leg when he's about to buy a new house?" ~Adrian Monk
• "I should never have bought this house. I should have waited until something better came along. Like death." ~Adrian Monk
• "What a beautiful pancreas." ~Adrian Monk
• "I'm human...enough." ~Adrian Monk
• "There's a four-state dragnet out on my brother. You get that a lot?" ~Adrian Monk
• "God doesn't want to see your hand!" ~Adrian Monk
• "You can taste the symmetry!" ~Adrian Monk
• "Karma chips. Mmm. A big bowl of karma chips. With guacamole." ~Adrian Monk
• "Who are all these people, and where are their parents?" ~Adrian Monk at a tailgate party
• "Did you enjoy civilization, Leeland? I sure did. It was a hell of a run, 8000 years." ~Adrian Monk at a tailgate party
• "No matter how bad things got, I knew if I could just make it to Tuesday night--8:00, Tuesday night--everything would be okay. It would all make sense, at least for half an hour." ~Adrian Monk
• "There is always, always a non-voodoo explanation for everything." ~Adrian Monk
• "Let's call that Plan Never-Do." ~Adrian Monk
• "No. No, I don't. And that is precisely why I do. And because I do, I don't. So yes, I do." ~Adrian Monk
• "There are moments that aren't entirely unbearable." ~Adrian Monk
• "It's a disaster, little animals coming out of other animals. What was God thinking?" ~Adrian Monk
• "Natalie, it's a game. It's not supposed to be fun." ~Adrian Monk
• "Why don't we just agree that everything in the woods is bad for you? Let's not eat or touch or smell anything." ~Adrian Monk
• "Rules don't have to sound right. That's another rule." ~Adrian Monk
• "Everybody should have a Trudy in their life." ~Adrian Monk
• "I can't believe I was happy before. Why didn't you tell me I was happy?" ~Adrian Monk
• "I'm either going to go home and brood, or go home and sulk. I'm leaning toward brooding." ~Adrian Monk
• "I'm just proud to know you." ~Adrian Monk to Randy Disher
• "I always find that doing nothing and never mentioning it again is the best policy." ~Adrian Monk
• “Does anybody but Randy have any ideas?” ~Captain Leeland Stottlemeyer
• “[Disher]’s the one who ought to be in protective custody.” ~Captain Leeland Stottlemyer
• “I’m gonna go talk to Monk. You make me want to talk to Monk.” ~Cpt. Leeland Stottlemeyer to Lt. Randy Disher
• “This is a floss-free zone.” ~Cpt. Leeland Stottlemeyer
• “I know I have a temper. But I’ve been working on it. I have a yoyo... Actually, the yoyo broke when I threw it at the guy.” ~Cpt. Leeland Stottlemeyer
• “I don’t mind being in your shadow, Monk; you’re a freak of nature.” ~Cpt. Leeland Stottlemeyer
• "Randy, it's not a booby trap, it's a spider web." ~Captain Leeland Stottlemeyer
• "If I can get back to bed in twenty minutes, there's a chance I won't remember any of this." ~Cpt. Leeland Stottlemeyer
• "Beer; nature's off-switch." ~Leeland Stottlemeyer
• "Let me get my head around this - you are the level-headed brave one, now?" ~Captain Leeland Stottlemeyer
• "No toque la muñeca, okay? Do you hear me? Do Not Touch the muñeca!" ~Captain Leeland Stottlemeyer
• "There is no opposite killer. If there were you would have been killed by a falling rocket scientist years ago.” ~Captain Leeland Stottlemeyer to Lieutenant Randy Disher
• "We go back twenty-odd...or even...mostly odd years." ~Captain Leeland Stottlemeyer to Adrian Monk
• "I've found drawers to be pretty reliable." ~Captain Leeland Stotlemeyer
• “You’re the Prince of Darkness.” ~Natalie Teeger to Adrian Monk
• “How can it be broken? It’s a bubble on a stick.” ~Natalie Teeger on a level
• “What are the odds of another dentist torturing you?” ~Natalie Teeger
• "You're gonna get hit by lightening." ~Natalie Teeger to Lt. Randy Disher
• "You're a wonderful role model....In this particular case..." ~Natalie Teeger to Adrian Monk
• “What would Mick Jagger do?” ~Jimmy Wagner

Monty Python’s Flying Circus

• "Remember - if you've enjoyed watching the show half as much as we've enjoyed doing it, we've enjoyed it twice as much as you have!" ~Announcer guy at the end of a Flying Circus episode
• "We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating." ~A BBC announcer in a Flying Circus sketch
• "You know, there are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives. It is up to people like you and me who are out of our tiny little minds to try and help these people overcome their sanity." ~Reverend Arthur Belling, Vicar of St Loony Up The Cream Bun and Jam
• “How can anyone murder himself and then hide the gun before canceling his reservation?” ~Graham Chapman character in the “Agatha Christie Sketch”
• "After all, a murder is a only an extroverted suicide." ~A criminologist in the Piranha Brother's Sketch
• "'VOOM'?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't 'voom' if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!" ~Customer in the Pet Shop sketch
• "Mr. Notlob, there's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong." ~A Monty Python doctor
• "If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?" ~Mr. Hilton
• "In 1945, peace broke out." ~Eric Idle in "The Deadly Joke"
• "I'm starting a war for peace." ~'John Lennon' in 'Crackpot Religions Ltd.'
• "I'm sorry. We want a block of flats, not an abattoir." ~Michael Palin character in "The Architect Sketch"
• "Sometimes at the end of a sentence, I come out with the wrong fuse box." ~E. Henry Thripshaw

The Muppet Show

• “I feel strongly that the visual arts are of vast importance. Of course, I could be prejudiced. I am a visual art.” ~Kermit the Frog

Murphy Brown

• “I’ve never said ‘I love you’ because I’m afraid no one will say it back.” ~Murphy Brown
• “It always comes down to this: a crazy gentile with a gun.” ~Miles Silverberg
• “He can’t do it! Jim’s more neurotic than I am!” ~Miles Silverberg

My Family

• “That is the bright side – things can always get worse.” ~Dr. Ben Harper
• “I’m not stifling [your dream], I’m trying to crush it.” ~Dr. Ben Harper
• “Humouring you is the sincerest form of shutting you up.” ~Dr. Ben Harper
• “Life isn’t fair...and in your case, not very long, either.” ~Michael Harper to his father
• “He looks like Dorian Grey, and I look like the picture in the attic.” ~Susan Harper

My Name is Earl

• “Turns out being saved by the government is free to tax payers.” ~Earl Hickey
• "Generally you're supposed to ask people before you start taking their body parts." ~Earl Hickey
• "And then, like a butterfly, I was trapped. But instead of a net, it was a crazy woman rubbing her nose on me." ~Earl Hickey
• "I've been stabbed by plenty of girls. It only really hurts when you twist it, pull it out, then stick it back in." ~Earl Hickey
• "You're like the Scumbag Whistler." ~The Warden to Earl Hickey

Mystery Science Theater 3000

• "Citizens. As you may have noticed, I'm wearing pants, thanks to the gods!" ~Callipygeas
• "Could we have sent a stranger person into space?" ~Dr. Clayton Forester on Joel Robinson
• "Bobo, if you harm a single one of God's precious creatures, so help me, I'll kill you!" ~Pearl Forester
• "Noh. N-O-H." ~Mike Nelson (say this one out loud some day when you have company)
• "What gets into some civilizations?" ~Mike Nelson
• “You guys should try pulling pranks that don’t involve lying about the dead.” ~Mike Nelson
• “At least some oboe player got a paycheck out of all this horse hockey.” ~Mike Nelson
• “If this Pumaman/invaders from space thing turns out to be the true religion, I, for one, will be very surprised.” ~Mike Nelson
• “I brought you a big, delicious pan of smarmy.” ~Mike Nelson
• "Honey Bunches of Death!" ~Mike Nelson
• "I will seek my revenge! But first I'm gonna snag me a Charleston Chew." ~Mike Nelson
• "You guys watch Joe Don Baker movies?" ~Mike Nelson
• "Vertigo-to-[Tartarus]." ~Mike Nelson
• "I never thought I'd say this, but suddenly Independence Day seems a richly nuanced film." ~Mike Nelson
• "Hey! It's the Came-With-the-Frame family!" ~Mike Nelson
• "Cities are easier to hunt than criminals. Larger, and prone to staying in the same place for years." ~Mike Nelson in Matt Piotecher's MiSTing of "The Terror that Flaps in the NIght"
• "If it unnerved you, Crow, than I'm impressed, sacred, and nauseated all at once." ~Mike Nelson in Matt Plotecher's MiSTing of "The Terror that Flaps in the Night"
• "You know, why doesn't he just leave him alone? He has pointedly made his refusal to eat this dish clear. The mere hypothetical change in location is irrelevant and tedious. And that Sam I Am is so bloody repetitive I could scream!" ~Observer (aka Brian)
• “I’m not that omniscient, Pearl.” ~Observer
• "Here's to risking your life in the interest of some national TV exposure." ~Joel Robinson
• “Why does...EVERYBODY...always start...talking like...Shatner...whenever they get...hurt?” ~Joel Robinson in Captain Chaotica!!’s MiST of Mike Cervantes’ “Schlock Treatment”
• "Always be careful when Joel is using the laser torch." ~Joel Robinson
• "You know, if I'm ever trapped in outer space again, I think I'm just gonna bring books." ~Joel Robinson
• "Sirs, when will you learn that by killing each other you're only hurting yourselves?" ~Joel Robinson
• "When is this guy going to start showing some simple competence?" ~Joel Robinson
• “Ah, nothing like being hit SQUARE in the face by a hot, steaming bowl of CANON.” ~Crow in Captain Chaotica!!’s MiST of Mike Cervantes’ “Schlock Treatment”
• "Don't tongue the reaper!" ~Crow T. Robot
• "This movie is harmful to children and other living things." ~Crow T. Robot
• "It's economical not to have a storyline, because then you can just film people saying things." ~Crow T. Robot
• “It’s not stock footage, it’s more like stock mileage at this point.” ~Crow T. Robot
• “Maybe we climbed right past the summit!” ~Crow T. Robot
• “Avalanche footage! Run!” ~Crow T. Robot
• "I don't know why [Shatner] does it, or who lets him do it." ~Crow T. Robot
• "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." ~Crow T. Robot
• “[Joel]’s kind of cute. He has good bone structure, and he can drive a stick." ~Crow T. Robot
• "What are the chances of a moving plane hitting a moving van with a moving bomb that looks like a pineapple?" ~Crow T. Robot
• "That's one small step for special effects, one giant leap for our imaginations!" ~Crow T. Robot
• "To be dead. To be nothing. To watch Neptune Men no more." ~Crow T. Robot
• "This movie has it all...wrong." ~Crow T. Robot
• "I feel so insignificant! Of course, I always feel insignificant." ~Crow T. Robot
• "There's something gaining on us! Oh, it's just the top. I'm intensely stupid." ~Crow T. Robot
• "What is it about the Gates of [Tartarus] that compels people to wander into them?" ~Crow T. Robot
• "Mike...help me...I'm allergic to plagiarism..." ~Crow T. Robot in Matt Plotecher's MiSTing of "The Terror that Flaps in the Night"
• "She's weird, which results in creativity." ~Tom Servo
• "I'm being punished for something, I know I am! What could I have done? I didn't ASK to see this movie!" ~Tom Servo
• "It seems that randomly blowing up things would NOT be a good idea in a spaceship." ~Tom Servo
• "I see some really STUPID children being born as a result of these two meeting." ~Tom Servo
• “She is a monumentally stupid person.” ~Tom Servo
• "Don't just do something! Stand there!" ~Tom Servo
• "Oh my god, it's an insert shot of an iguana!" ~Tom Servo
• "It's the nighttime, aching, sniffling, sneezing, so you're being chased by a human hand medicine!" ~Tom Servo
• "The movie's been attacked by a nature film!" ~Tom Servo
• "If you drag out our rotting, broken carcasses, it means it didn't really work out very well." ~Tom Servo
• "Slime people have no traction." ~Tom Servo
• "General psychosis and freakiness all around." ~Tom Servo
• "That's a guy's hand, not a sparkler, for crying out loud." ~Tom Servo
• "You know, there are certain flaws in this film." ~Tom Servo
• "This is how I like to fish, Mike: a flashlight and a flamethrower." ~Tom Servo
• "She's Zest-fully dead!" ~Tom Servo
• "[Tom fights back the tears, which is easier than expected, since he has no tear ducts.]" ~Matt Plotecher's MiSTing of "The Terror that Flaps in the Night"

Neverwhere

• "'Nice' in a body guard is about as useful as the ability to regurgitate whole lobsters." ~The Marquis de Carabas

The Office

• "My boyfriend is twelve." ~Pam Beesley
• "I think we broke his brain." ~Pam Beesley
• "HR nightmares here at Dunder Mifflin? I don't know if I'd call them that, you know. 'Nightmare' implies it's something you wake up from." ~Toby Flenderson
• "Michael's like a movie on a plane: it's not great, but it's something to watch. And then, when it's over, you're like, 'How much time is left in this flight? Now what?'" ~Toby Flenderson
• “It’s not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiancé.” ~Jim Halpert
• “I want to clamp Michael’s face in a Foreman grill.” ~Jim Halpert
• "I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe; you win." ~Jim Halpert
• "I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't going to sweep themselves." ~Jim Halpert
• "Can you please go back to work instead of masterminding these situations wherein we hurt ourselves?" ~Angela Martin
• "I consider myself a good person. But I'm going to try to make him cry." ~Oscar Martinez
• "You need to access your uncrazy side." ~Darryl Philbin
• "What'd I tell you about building forts in my warehouse?" ~Darryl Philbin
• "It's weevil season, but we were prepared." ~Dwight Schrute
• "Now is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects in Jell-o." ~Michael Scott

Pepper Ann

• “How can I stay mad at a girl who apologizes on a blimp?” ~Craig Bean
• “The only good zine is a barely read zine.” ~Milo Kamilani
• "Angry teachers, when kept in proper perspective, can be quite entertaining." ~Milo Kamilani
• “C minus! My grade matches my blood type!” ~Milo Kamilani
• "I said 'cover,' not 'create an alternate universe.'" ~Milo Kamilani
• “Do they make ‘I hope the parasites on your head die a horrible death’ cards?” ~Milo Kamilani
• “EVOLVE, Effie, EVOLVE!” ~Pepper Ann Pearson
• "If I wanted to date myself, I could carry around a mirror and save all kinds of money..." ~Stuart Waldinger

Pinky and the Brain

• “I sense life has taken another sardonic twist." ~The Brain
• "Pinky, you have all the reasoning capabilities of dry wall." ~The Brain
• "I didn't think it was possible. Humanity is actually getting dumber." ~The Brain
• "You have the IQ of a deck chair." ~The Brain
• "I think so, Brain, but if 42 is the ultimate answer to life, the universe, and everything, why isn't it the answer to every math problem?" ~Pinky

The Proud Family

• "No dating until AFTER you're married." ~Oscar Proud

Pushing Daisies

• "I’ve been ruminating and by ruminating I mean pondering, not chewing cud." ~Charlotte "Chuck" Charles
• "It would be difficult to rape and pillage with the subtlety of a humanist." ~Vivian Charles
• "Oh, thank god for the simple things like 'My wife did it.'" ~Emerson Cod
• "The truth ain't like puppies, a bunch of 'em runnin' around and you pick the one you like best..." ~Emerson Cod
• "Do I look like a [dagnab] Oija board to you?" ~Emerson Cod
• "That ain't a grain of salt. That's one of those blocks they give cows to lick." ~Emerson Cod
• "Well, that idea might make a stupid idea feel better about itself." ~Emerson Cod
• "Someone in love is like a gangsta. They be like, 'Oh baby, you're bleeding. How did that happen?' while they're hiding the razor in their weave." ~Emerson Cod
• "Don't be peckin' me, woman, that's the peck of cahoots, which we are definitely not in."
• "I've got buttloads of dignity to sprinkle on the ground. Come on, get holy." ~Emerson Cod
• "Oh, look at that - a dumb idea just found a friend." ~Emerson Cod
• "I thought he was being paranoid until he turned up dead." ~Jeanine
• "Young Ned felt a gnawing pity growing in his stomach. As was tradition." ~Narrator
• "Oh, hell no." ~Narrator
• "Technically, I don't believe you can blow someone's guts out their mouth." ~Ned the Piemaker
• "Somehow or another, it always comes back to my magic finger." ~Ned the Piemaker
• "Wouldn't it just rock and roll if liking someone meant they had to like you back? Of course that'd be a different universe and something else would probably suck." ~Olive Snook
• "You know what no one tells you about cooking with the darkside? The food is really good." ~Olive Snook

Quantum Leap

• "Your brain is not fine; the leap swiss-cheesed it." ~Dr. Sam Beckett to Admiral Al Calavici
• "Revenge is mine; thus sayeth the hologram." ~Dr. Sam Beckett to Admiral Al Calavici
• "I'm making tea. Teeeea. I don't like coffee, I like tea." ~Dr. Sam Beckett
• "That's a scary thought - first alien contact and it's with a lawyer." ~Admiral Al Calavici
• "Why do I have this creepy crawly scary feeling?" ~Admiral Al Calavicci
• "You know, you're really a prude." ~Admiral Al Calavicci to Dr. Sam Beckett
• "I don't care if it's raining - I'm a hologram, you nutcase!" ~Admiral Al Calavicci

Red Dwarf

• "You ever see a cat go fetch a stick? You threw the stick, you can fetch it yourself!" ~The Cat
• “The moral of the story is, ‘Appreciate what you’ve got, ‘cause basically, I’m fantastic’.” ~Holly
• "I have as much desire to save myself as a chronically depressed lemming." ~Kryten
• “For those of you not [familiar] with such a technical term as ‘prop,’ allow me to explain. It's short for: 'thing which someone has spent hours making which breaks as soon as Mr. Lister touches it’." ~Kryten narrating the Smeg Ups dealie for Red Dwarf
• "They've got less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget." ~Arnold Rimmer about a group of skeletons
• "Love is a device invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn." ~Arnold Rimmer
• "I'm going in. I'm going in to rescue him... It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter [jerk]." ~Arnold Rimmer
• "I am ali--!" ~Arnold Rimmer - famous last words of a fool
• "It's not panic, it's a full blown, hysterical fit." ~Arnold Rimmer
• “You‘re a total, total…a word has yet to be invented to describe how totally…whatever it is you are, but you are one. And a total, total one at that.” ~Arnold J. Rimmer
• "I don't believe it. I've been ippy-dippied to death." ~Arnold Judas Rimmer
• "Have you quite finished being strange?" ~Arnold Rimmer

Red vs. Blue

• “First I kill myself, then I find out I’m a honkin' dork. Not a good day to be me.” ~Church
• “I don’t really see how not killing someone is the same as doing them a favour.” ~Church
• “If you dented my forehead, Tucker, I am going to be [ticked].” ~Church
• "That's me. I'm in that grave." ~Church
• "Tucker, there is a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think I walk that line every day of my life." ~Church
• "You know, I feel like I'm gonna regret this, but I feel even more like I just don't care." ~Church
• “People with tanks are never outnumbered.” ~Church
• "I promise to wash my hands before killing the abomination of nature." ~Church
• “[noises indicating extreme pain] I was just petting the bunny, and then it went into the soup can, and part of my hand went with it.” ~Donut
• “Dude, don’t taunt him. He has a graph.” ~Donut
• “Uh...I don’t know what I can really do to help him. My first-aid procedures aren’t very effective after decomposition.” ~Medical Officer DuFresne
• "Uh...I don't know what I can really do to help him. My first-aid procedures aren't very effective after decomposition." ~Medical Officer Frank DuFresne
• “Yeah. Keep making jokes. That’ll win the war.” ~Grif
• “Wait. I think today is actually a good day to retreat. Can’t we push ‘dying’ to a week from Friday?” ~Grif
• “I’m no stranger to sarcasm, sir.” ~Grif
• “There’s no ‘u’ [in team], either! So I guess if I’m not on the team, and you’re not on the team, there’s no [gosh darned] team! The team sucks!” ~Grif
• “Permission to sigh and walk away, Sarge?” ~Grif
• “Actually, Donut, I don’t really know if snickering in the corner all night like a pre-pubescent monkey actually qualifies as help. But it sure was entertaining.” ~Sarge
• “Why would we waste time having trials for innocent people? That would be a waste of resources.” ~Sarge
• "Being released to the public is what makes technology obsolete." ~Sarge
• “Hey, Grif, why don’t you just stick to criticizing other peoples’ ideas instead of coming up with your own?” ~Simmons
• “I wouldn’t really call us ‘friends.’ We’re more like acquaintances, or people who work with other people they hate.” ~Tucker
• “It’s kinda hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing.” ~Tucker
• “That’s part of being dead, Church. Your body doesn’t really move around much. Maybe you haven’t fully grasped the concept yet.” ~Tucker
• “I thought I was dreaming, so I punched you in the face to make sure I wasn’t.” ~Tucker
• “Are you becoming retarded?” ~Tucker
• “I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurysm.” ~Tucker
• "I'm starting to like this culture, though. Anyone who trips is a hero. I'm pretty sure that makes Caboose God." ~Tucker

Reno 911!

• “Cheer up; let’s bust a hooker.” ~Lieutenant Jim Dangle
• “You pick up that gnome, you're a dead man!" ~Lt. Jim Dangle
• “If you want to make a list of television shows about law enforcement that are inaccurate...where do we begin?” ~Lt. Jim Dangle
• "Of course he can't move, he's a constellation." ~Lt. Jim Dangle
• "As long as we're the same level of unhappy, everything's fine." ~Lt. Jim Dangle
• “You’ve got a point, but you’re loud.” ~Deputy James Garcia
• “I work with seven trolls!” ~Deputy James Garcia
• “You are a grown-ass man.” ~Deputy James Garcia
• "Why were you in conflict with the midgets, TT?" ~Deputy James Garcia
• "Operation Let's Do This is in order." ~Deputy Jones
• “We aim to try.” ~Deputy Clementine Johnson
• “I’m irritated, I have a headache, and I’d like to never speak of this again.” ~Deputy Clementine Johnson
• “Hey! You can’t snort the Lord!” ~Dept. Clementine Johnson
• “Getting two tickets to an execution is like getting two tickets to NASCAR and knowing Jeff Gordon is going to die.” ~Dept. Travis Junior
• “I make my own [gun] permits. Sometimes you need to shoot someone before the ten days are up." ~Suspect on Reno 911!
• “If you put a burger in the toaster, it says ‘Happy birthday!’” ~Suspect on Reno 911!

Rocko's Modern Life

• “Open mic night is a very dangerous night.” ~Rocko Wallaby
• "Oh, dear. I'm afraid fate has squatted on us again." ~Rocko Wallaby
• “Everyone has something to hide except the meat and my monkey.” ~Rocko Wallaby
• “Step Four – Shave the Weasel.” ~Six step program to overcoming nail biting...on Rocko’s Modern Life

Roseanne

• “I’ve died and gone to England.” ~Dan Conner
• “This whole marriage, family thing’s been a lot of fun, but I’ve gotta go.” ~Dan Conner
• “Right attitude, wrong daughter.” ~Dan Conner
• “People will eat cotton in a supermarket if it has a toothpick in it.” ~Roseanne Conner
• “No matter what we do we’re gonna screw our kids up. Let me have Darlene and you can have Becky.” ~Roseanne Conner
• “Well, that’s a sign of intelligence.” ~Roseanne Conner’s response to “I’m flunking shop.”
• "I know how to count to zero!" ~Roseanne Conner

Rugrats

• “See Tommy, wishes really don’t come true!” ~Chuckie Finster
• "Why me? Why always me?" ~Chuckie Finster
• “I’m only two years old; I don’t need this.” ~Chuckie Finster
• "Strangers is one thing. It's family you've got to watch out for." ~Lou Pickles

Sabrina the Teenage Witch

• "Whoa, suddenly I wish I had every episode of Mystery Science Theater on tape!" ~Harvey after Sabrina turns him into a geek

The Sarah Jane Adventures

• "I assume everyone knows what the TARDIS is...? Unless you've really not been paying attention..." ~The Doctor
• "Do not look at me! Everything is normal!" ~K-9
• "Okay, I've gone past worried. I'm not even stoppin' at anxious. I'm going full throttle into panic totally beyond reason." ~Clyde Langer
• "Why does that sound so cool and so scary at the same time?" ~Clyde Langer about 'The Black Archive'
• "Nothing eats Clyde Langer without a fight!" ~Clyde Langer

• "This is Hogwarts Tim Burton stuff. This is Harry Potter Has a Close Shave with Sweeney Todd." ~Clyde Langer
• "Can't you appreciate that she's nuts?!" ~Clyde Langer
• "There is nothing scientific about ignoring evidence just because it doesn't fit in with your view of the universe, Miss Smith." ~Professor Rivers
• "If this was a seismometer and you were a volcano, we'd all be runnin' away with our hair on fire." ~Toby Silverman
• "This isn't a bout of Sontaran quicksand wrestling. He is a boy; they break." ~Mrs. Wormwood

Saturday Night Live

• “I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.” ~Jack Handey

Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet Theatre

• "I'm sure anyone tuning in now with suspension of disbelief would swear they were looking at David Tennant. With a lamp post in his mouth." ~Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet Theatre

Scrubs

• "It's incredible; your hand writing is even more annoying than your voice." ~Dr. Perry Cox to an intern
• “Oh my god, you must stop watching The Lion King.” ~Dr. Perry Cox
• "Are you on call tonight, or are you fighting Superman? [beat] You look like Lex Luthor." ~The janitor to Dr. Perry Cox

Sesame Street

• "What is so great about the Tooth Fairy?! He takes teeth in the middle of the night. It's just weird." ~The Fairy Shoeperson

Sheep in the Big City

• "Don't get all realistic on me, smarty." ~General Specific

The Simpsons

• "You, sir, are an idiot." ~Krusty the Clown
• "I heartily endorse this product and/or promotion." ~Krusty the Clown
• "Trying is the first step towards failure." ~Homer Simpson
• “Marge, I know I hurt you, but I’ve done WAY worse stuff since then!” ~Homer Simpson
• "You've tried your best and you failed miserably. And the lesson is, never try." ~Homer J. Simpson
• "I don't know the scientific explanation, but fire made it good." ~Homer Simpson
• "When I hear a really good song, I nod my head like I'm saying 'Yes!' to every beat." ~Homer Simpson
• "Ooh, an institute!" ~Lisa Simpson
• “Lord, if you think I’m making lemon squares for your bake sale on Sunday, you’d better stop killing our cats!” ~Marge Simpson
• "The geeks shall inherit the earth." ~Renier Wolfcastle

Smallville

• “Chloe is the queen of obscure and irrelevant references.” ~Clark Kent
• "Chloe, I could never outgrow you. Other than vertically." ~Clark Kent
• "Maybe we can go out in the parking lot and you can hit me with your car." ~Clark Kent to Lex Luthor
• "Don't you know it is not a good idea to sneak up on somebody with an acetylene torch?" ~Jonathan Kent
• "If I was interested in money, I wouldn't be a farmer, would I?" ~Jonathan Kent
• "Do you know anyone else who's lost an entire old person in a wheelchair?" ~Lana Lang acknowledging how dumb she is
• “I don't care about the past - I believe in the power to reinvent yourself.” ~Lex Luthor
• “I'm not [a history buff]. I'm just interested in people who ruled the world before they were thirty.” ~Lex Luthor
• “In my experience I've found you can never have too much information.” ~Lex Luthor
• “Friendship's a fairy tale, Clark. Respect and fear are the best you can hope for.” ~Lex Luthor
• “That, my friend, is the key to leadership. Not only knowing you're right, but convincing everyone else. If you can do that, the world's your oyster.” ~Lex Luthor
• "You can learn a lot from someone you hate." ~Lex Luthor
• "If sleeping with me was just business, I'd hate to think what that makes you." ~Lex Luthor
• "Clark, you can't save the world. All you'll end up with is a Messiah complex and a lot of enemies." ~Lex Luthor
• "Dad, games are all we have." ~Lex Luthor
• "All I'm saying, Dominic, is try and remember who I was raised by. I try to deny it, but I'm still my father's son. Tread carefully." ~Lex Luthor
• "Some people are meant to be alone." ~Lex Luthor
• "[My father and I] have a complicated relationship, Clark. My father wants me to believe it's built on trust, but it's not. It's built on lies and deceit. Any relationship with that foundation is destined to fail. Lucky we don't have that problem." ~Lex Luthor
• "Sentimentality is synonymous with vulnerability." ~Lex Luthor
• "I know what it's like to feel vulnerable. Trust me. Eccentric bald kids sit pretty low on the prep school totem pole." ~Lex Luthor
• "What is it about Kents and gifts?" ~Lex Luthor

South Park

• “This is what happens when Cartman is allowed to exercise his freedom of speech." ~Kyle Broflovski
• "Cartman, you are officially declared a full-fledged retard." ~Kyle Broflovski
• "Damn, I thought fourth grade was gonna be different." ~Kyle Broflovski
• "I'm killing you. But unfortunately I could only afford a Whiffle bat, so it's gonna take a while." ~Eric Cartman
• “He...killed twenty-three babies in self-defense?” ~Eric Cartman
• "Oh, Jesus-tap dancing-Christ." ~Mr. Garrison
• “America may have some problems, but it’s our home, our team. If you don’t wanna root for your team, get the [Tartarus] out of the stadium. Go America.” ~Stan Marsh
• "In America, if something sucks, you're supposed to be able to get your money back." ~Stan Marsh
• "I know a thing or two about cults - I was the leader of one for a while." ~Stan Marsh
• "I've learned not to ask questions. Just dye the eggs and keep my mouth shut." ~Stan Marsh
• "Sorry, Dad, I was just being the voice of a generation." ~Leopold Stotch
• "Butters, what have we told you about confessing to crimes you didn't commit?" ~Mrs. Stotch

Spaced

• "Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like [freaking] Shaft." ~Tim Bisley

Star Trek

• "It's in our nature." ~Captain Jonathan Archer when asked if all humans are stupid
• “People I create in [the holodeck] are more real to me than people I meet out here.” ~Lieutenant Reginald Barclay
• "The advocate will refrain from making her opponent disappear." ~Lieutenant Commander Data
• “You are correct, sir. I do tend to babble.” ~Lieutenant Commander Data
• “Could you please continue the petty bickering? I find it most intriguing.” ~Lieutenant Commander Data
• “If you had an off switch, doctor, would you not keep it secret?” ~Lieutenant Commander Data
• “Considering the rate at which you imbibe, sir, are you sure your lineage isn’t at all mixed with human?” ~Lieutenant Commander Data
• “Captain, I do not believe you have the authority to promote me to admiral.” ~Lieutenant Commander Data, just not getting the joke, once again
• “I do not intend to sit in the chair.” ~Lieutenant Commander Data
• “[I was tempted by the Borg queen for] 0.68 seconds, sir. For an android, that is nearly an eternity.” ~Lieutenant Commander Data
• "It's not hard to stand out when the general level of competence is so low." ~The EMH
• “I never lie when I’ve got sand in my shoes.” ~Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge
• "Let me kill him. He's really beginning to irritate me." ~Mr. Leach on Data
• "Are you prepared for the kind of death you've earned, little man?" ~Lore to Wesley Crusher
• "if you hear muffled screams consider that a request for a beam out" ~Tom Paris
• “Why do doctors always say the obvious as though it were a revelation?” ~Captain Jean Luc Picard
• “I’m just not thrilled with the prospect of having my innards be the subject of Starfleet gossip.” ~Captain Jean Luc Picard
• ”What the [Tartarus]? Children are not allowed on the bridge!" ~Captain Jean Luc Picard’s first words to Westley Crusher
• “Get off my ship.” ~Captain Jean-Luc Picard
• “Nothing would please me more than giving away Mrs. Troi.” ~Captain Jean-Luc Picard
• "The best thing about life at sea, Will, was that no one could reach you." ~Captain Jean Luc Picard
• "Shut up, Wesley." ~Captain Jean Luc Picard and Doctor Beverly Crusher
• “This is getting on my NERVES, now that I have them.” ~Q
• “It’s hard to work in a group when you’re omnipotent.” ~Q
• “When has justice ever been as simple as a rule book?” ~Commander Will Riker
• “Well, think about it. A blind man teaching an android how to paint. That’s got to be worth a couple of pages in somebody’s book.” ~Commander William Riker
• “For an android with no feelings, he sure managed to evoke them in others.” ~Commander William T. Riker
• “You’d be surprised at how far a hug goes with Geordi. Or Worf.” ~Commander William T. Riker
• "Data, people do not have internal chronometers." ~Commander William Riker
• “I don’t have all the answers. I’ve never been dead before.” ~Ensign Ro
• "I doubt everything, even my own doubts" ~Scientist in an episode of Star Trek: Voyager
• "People blame the military for the wars we are asked to fight." ~Commander Torev
• “Only fools have no fear.” ~Lieutenant Worf
• “If winning is not important, Commander, then why keep score?” ~Lieutenant Worf
• “I am Klingon! If you are in doubt, a demonstration can be arranged!" ~Lieutenant Worf
• “You have to agree. That’s what an agreement is.” ~Lieutenant Worf
• “Assimilate this.” ~Lieutenant Worf
• "You see things with the eyes of a child, and that makes you more human than any of us." ~Lieutenant Tasha Yar about Lieutenant Commander Data

Static Shock

• “Sit back and take your embarrassment like a man.” ~Richie Foley
• “Give me carmel corn, or give me death!” ~Richie Foley
• “My blood runs thick with herrings and sour cream.” ~Richie Foley

Step By Step

• “Mom, Frank, don’t wait up. I’m gonna kill Rich, and then we need to find a place to bury the body.” ~Dana Foster
• “Don’t touch me, I’ll get pregnant.” ~Dana Foster
• “Junk food is the gateway drug.” ~Dana Foster
• “She called me a big booger head. But she did it in French.” ~Dana Foster
• “Between the two of us, we’ve got one brain.” ~Rich Halke
• “I have an affect on women - spend a few weeks with me and shave thirty points off their IQ.” ~Rich Halke
• “Try to follow me, here. It’s a scientific fact that it is impossible for guys to be friends with women without wanting to have sex with them. However, the amazing thing is that girls can be friends with guys and never want to have sex with them...No, it’s absolutely true - I’ve had tons of women friends, and none of them ever wanted to sleep with me.” ~Rich Halke
• “That’s it! Cheerleaders! They’re the answer to the world’s ecological problems!” ~Rich Halke
• “I highlighted for us.” ~Rich Halke
• “I got an A. I got an—! What the [Tartarus] kind of a sick joke is this?!” ~Rich Halke
• “There’s not even any chocolate syrup. What kind of a hellish nightmare is this?!” ~Rich Halke
• “This isn’t what it looks like. These are bean curd donuts, and this seaweed pizza.” ~Rich Halke
• “JT, I can’t believe it. You were actually able to outsmart a seven-year-old.” ~Rich Halke
• “Hi, Honey. We’re just having some friends over to watch Masterpiece Theatre. It’s, um, Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Missing...Thong.” ~Rich Halke
• “We are excited. We are just pumped. We are...screwed.” ~Rich Halke
• “Actually, I was kinda the wife in this dream.” ~Rich Halke
• “I can’t throw him out. I need his rent to loan you the money to pay yours.” ~Frank Lambert
• “Dana, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but you’re a twit.” ~Frank Lambert
• “You look like the Mayor of Munchkin City.” ~Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux to Rich Halke

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

• "We've entered into a new condition." ~Matt Albie
• “Did you have three years of law school this morning?” ~Tom Jeter

TaleSpin

• "Those who miss history class are doomed to repeat it." ~Baloo
• "I must be alive, because I hurt too much to be dead." ~Baloo
• "I'm going insane and I'm taking you with me." ~Rebecca Cunningham
• "Possession is nine-tenths of guilt." ~Rebecca Cunningham
• "My door is always open, sometimes." ~Don Karnage
• “I would very much enjoy meeting myself. Can you arrange it?” ~Shere Kahn
• "Yes, yes, what is your pathetic, insignificant little point?" ~Don Karnage
• "Not only am I a genius, but I am very, very smart, too!" ~Don Karnage
• "I am a pirate. I don't do decency." ~Don Karnage
• "Worth is in the eye of me, who is doing the beholding." ~Don Karnage
• "Your tail section is mine!" ~Don Karnage
• "Shoot them a lot! Perforate them, you pinheads!" ~Don Karnage
• "Perhaps it is none of my business, but you seem to have gotten yourself into a bit of a piccolo, yes no?" ~Don Karnage
• "Congratulations! You have not done a terrible job!" ~Don Karnage

Threshold

• "I like to worry about things from all angles." ~Lucas Pegg
• “Stop hiding behind your brainwaves!” ~Arthur Ramsey

Torchwood

• "So I'll be saving the world in some pajamas. How daft is that?" ~Tommy Brockless
• "Don't make a fuss, Jack. You'll just draw attention to yourself. Lie down and try to look like you're at death's door, for God's sake." ~Gwen Cooper in Peter Anghelides' Another Life
• "This is [the point of it all]. Driving through the dark. All this stupid tiny stuff. We're just animals howling in the night, 'cause it's better than silence." ~Suzie Costello
• "Brilliant secret – I ask, you tell. Well done." ~PC Andy Davidson
• "Ianto, I need to hear those beautiful Welsh vowels." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "The problem with seeing the future is you can't just sit and look at it, you've got to try and change things, make it happen differently. It's not meant for us." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "You people and your quaint little categories..." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "You know, strictly speaking, throttling the staff is my job..." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "You people love any story that denies the randomness of existence." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "Sometimes you can know too much history." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "I have this selective deafness when I'm talking to cowards or murderers." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "I can talk for a long time...a very long time." ~Captain Jack Harkness' way of saying "Get on with it."
• "One day we're gonna run out of space." ~Captain Jack Harkness standing in the Torchwood morgue
• "Once, just once, I'd like to walk into one of these tents and find it's a party. You know, with food and drink, people dancing, a girl crying in the corner..." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "When I'm about to murder someone, I'm really careful not to talk to myself about it while I'm in the street." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "I reprogrammed the coordinates....to the center of the sun. It shouldn't be hot. I mean, we sent her there at night and everything..." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "When I want you to think for yourself, I'll tell you." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "There's always something left to lose." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "Sometimes a little technobabble is good for the soul." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "Just because you can't understand it doesn't mean it isn't true." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "What do bosses do in situations like these? You know, regular bosses? Do I get to beat people?" ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "There are some things we're not supposed to know. You got a snapshot – nothing more." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "Just because you can't understand it doesn't mean it isn't true." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "Let's be cautious with the armed forces, OK? In the face of alien weirdness, the military instinct is to involve UNIT at the first opportunity. We can do without that kind of hassle." ~Captain Jack Harkness in Peter Anghelides' Another Life
• "I'm not a try-the-handle kinda guy." ~Captain Jack Harkness in Peter Anghelides' Another Life
• "I'm not great at queuing." ~Captain Jack Harkness (who is evidently not British) in Peter Anghelides' Another Life
• "Now we've gotta avoid ourselves. Great." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "Come on! Have a little faith! With a dashing hero like me on the case, how can we fail?" ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "Okay, linear time...screwed up time." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "[beat] This is quite homoerotic." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "We're more ad hoc...but better looking!" ~Captain Jack Harkness on the fundamental difference between UNIT and Torchwood
• "It's the jaw line - once seen, always yearned for." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "I had a bad experience with a politician recently. I tend not to listen to White Hall anymore." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "Oh, that is the single most disgusting thing I have ever seen!" ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "It's Owen, it's not like he's dangerous." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "Even I have my limits." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "Any guy in tight jeans runs into water... I was takin' pictures." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "Boy, would Darwin have had a field day if he'd made it to space..." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "If life always turned out the way we expected, what would be the point of living?" ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "That whole Evil Dead thing looks pretty good on you, Rhys." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "You wait until I see the Doctor. First I'm going to kiss him, then I'm going to kill him." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "He's not a threat - the Doctor's the one who will save you from your phantasmawhojits." ~Captain Jack Harkness
• "You're fine. It's the rest of the world that's delusional." ~Captain Jack Harkness to Dr. Owen Harper
• "We don't have a song. And if we did have a song, it wouldn't be this song." ~Captain Jack Harkness to Captain John Hart
• "Real men can moisturize, too." ~Owen Harper
• "I started looking into devil worship and stuff from [the early 19th c.] to see if there's anything about plucking out hearts, and would you believe it? There's nothing. They ate eyeballs, they drank blood, they had sex with animals, but they did not pluck out each others' hearts because, obviously, that would have been weird." ~Owen Harper
• "Period military is not the dress code of a straight man." ~Owen Harper
• "You're a sick man, Harkness." ~Dr. Owen Harper
• "In fact, I'm not just a doctor, I'm a bloody brilliant doctor." ~Dr. Owen Harper
• "Won't your bloke be missing you? How about Jack? Has he seen Jack? They always get jealous when they meet Jack." ~Dr. Owen Harper
• "What's the point of being on a team if you don't get a last-minute rescue?" ~Captain John Hart
• "Of course, bananas are far more interesting." ~Ianto Jones
• "I heard that, and I think I may resent it." ~Ianto Jones in Peter Anghelides' Another Life
• "He is dashing, you have to give him that." ~Ianto Jones
• "We don't sniff the sub-etheric resonator." ~Ianto Jones
• "I know everything. And it says so on the bottom of the screen." ~Ianto Jones
• "It's almost obscene what you do to security systems..." ~Ianto Jones to Toshiko Sato
• "Oh, you are warped on the inside. How do you think of these things?" ~Ianto Jones to Toshiko Sato
• "I was brought up never to speak ill of the dead, even if they still do most of the talking for themselves." ~Ianto Jones
• "Jack, I'm afraid the situation is uncontained." ~Ianto Jones
• "That's what I love about Torchwood - by day, chasing the scum of the universe; come midnight, you're the Wedding Faerie." ~Ianto Jones
• "Cheats. He always cheats." ~Ianto Jones on Captain Jack Harkness
• "Need me to do any attacking, sir?" ~Ianto Jones
• "Still struggling to conquer your shyness, Jack?" ~Dr. Martha Jones
• "Don't parade your ignorance, Owen, just because you don't understand the language." ~Doctor Toshiko Sato on technobabble in Peter Anghelides' Another Life
• "Just what I need, a small rodent looking at me while I work. I think I'll call it Owen." ~Dr. Toshiko Sato
• "...message from the stars. I ran it through the language translator, and it's flipping Croatian." ~Dr. Toshiko Sato
• "Sorry, I'm intolerant to vasoactive amines." ~Dr. Toshiko Sato
• "Jack, if you even attempt to bring me back again..." ~A Torchwood character
• "Is it necrophilia if I'm still conscious?" ~A Torchwood character
• "If you've got forever, you don't notice the flecks in the concrete, or bother to touch the bricks." ~A Torchwood character
• "I'm dead, I'm not Death. There is a difference." ~A Torchwood character
• "Just wish you'd have been uglier. You're not gay by any chance, are you?" ~Rhys Williams to Captain Jack Harkness
• "The problem seems to be an American with no sense of timing or fashion." ~Mrs. Williams on Captain Jack Harkness

Undeclared

• "You're not wrong, Hal, you're just, maybe, less...than right." ~Ron Garner

Weekenders

• “One wrong doesn’t make a right, either. At least TWO wrongs will make me feel better.” ~Carver Descartes
• “You didn’t ruin it, you just didn’t un-ruin it.” ~Carver Descartes
• “It’s more than a tad. Try five tads and fifteen smidgeons.” ~Carver Descartes
• “Chocolate covered french fries, where have you been all my life?” ~Carver Descartes
• “No, the least we can do is nothing. Trust me; I’ve done the math.” ~Carver Descartes
• “Lor, you’ve got that ‘I’m going to do something stupid’ look.” ~Tish Katsufrakus
• “Man, if we start trying to figure out why the cool kids do what they do, we’ll go crazy.” ~Tish Katsufrakus
• “Sometimes you’ve gotta be cruel to be kind. And sometimes it’s just for fun.” ~Lor McQuarrie
• “There’s a fine line between confident and deranged.” ~Lor McQuarrie
• “There is no ‘you’ in ‘me’.” ~Lor McQuarrie
• “If it’s not important to be right, then why do they grade tests?” ~Lor McQuarrie
• “Okay, I haven’t just broken a sweat, I’ve shattered it into a thousand pieces.” ~Lor McQuarrie
• “I really wish you’d have done that in the other sink, Darlin’.” ~Mr. McQuarrie
• “I’ve found that it usually means trouble anytime you have to make up a story involving a freak circus accident.” ~Tino’s mom
• "Did I mention that dramatic irony bites like a rabid monkey?" ~Tino Tonitini
• “If you try to make everyone follow your plan, you're really no better than a gym teacher.” ~Tino Tonitini
• “No, games involve strategy, cunning, and knowledge of the human psyche. Sports involve me looking like a geek.” ~Tino Tonitini
• “Could you please not...incite the pigeon to violence?!” ~Tino Tonitini
• ”You know the old saying...’Where there’s popcorn, there’s a blocked larynx.” ~Tino Tonitini
• “Tether ball is nothing but dodgeball on a rope.” ~Tino Tonitini
• “Doesn’t it usually work better to fight fire with water?” ~Tino Tonitini
• "A Chug-A-Freeze would really give me the will to live right now..." ~Tino Tonitini
• "I don't know much about art, but I know what I like. And I like stuff with arms." ~Tino Tonitini
• “Parents are just as big of freaks as normal people.” ~Tino Tonitini
• “The beauty of nature is great, but you can’t get chili-cheese fries.” ~Tino Tonitini
• “Not bad like, ‘it won’t work,’ bad like ‘E-vil’.” ~Tino Tonitini
• “Mom! Quit scaring my friends with cake!” ~Tino Tonitini
• “Life makes sense until you talk to Carver, doesn’t it?” ~Tino Tonitini
• “Beadcraft ladies can be so cruel.” ~Tino Tonitini
• “Do laundry? In a Laundromat? Well, that’s just crazy talk.” ~Tino Tonitini
• “I always knew your cooking would bring people together. I just thought it would be in the emergency room.” ~Tino Tonitini
• “You are teetering on the precipice with this ‘Pumpkin Pie’ thing, my friend.” ~Tino Tonitini
• “I think I can promise you that, if you call yourself ‘Shazzy Zang,’ we will never stop laughing.” ~Tino Tonitini
• “Oh, yeah, did I mention that Phillip is an unholy, crushing vortex of BOREDOM?!” ~Tino Tonitini
• “I was trying to accidentally bump into her!” ~Tino Tonitini
• “Alright, I’ll have some fun. But I won’t enjoy it!” ~Tino Tonitini
• “Teachers in robes. That’s like number six on my list of things that give me nightmares. Right between hippos and boy bands.” ~Tino Tonitini
• “I’m NOT mad! I’m yelling because I’m in a GREAT mood! I’m storming out because I’m SO HAPPY!” ~Tino Tonitini
• “I’m glad it was a silent auction. That way we were only subjected to silent mockery.” ~Tino Tonitini

X-Men: The Animated Series

• “I don’t care about which spirit ladies do what to which Cajuns; I’m here to stop a wedding.” ~Wolverine

Young Hercules

• “Everyone’s happy, everyone has a cow. Moo moo moo, see ya later.” ~Jason of Corinth
• “We don’t mind being chased by giant birds, we just wanna know why.” ~Jason of Corinth