This story is sponsored by Pluto, the god of riches. And dedicated to Johnny Depp, and all gods and goddesses everywhere - none mentioned, none forgotten - for having inspired me. (and I do sincerely hope I donīt end up with a lightning bolt up my ar .. rear end for doing this story ...)

CHAPTER ONE.  Introduction.

"Are you Johnny Depp?"

Johnny looked up from the book he was reading, and squinted against the sun. But all he could see, was the black silhouette of a medium sized, slim man - with the sunīs rays shooting out in all directions from behind him.

Hi .... wait a sec!! Johnny had sat down on the small grass-covered hill somewhere in southern France - to read a new book about Art Deco painters - with his back to the sinking sun. Then how could it suddenly ... He turned, and looked behind him - at a beautiful sunset.

He then heard the man mumbling behind him, "Sorry about that - I always forget to turn it ... off ... There you are, Sir. Are you Johnny Depp?"

"Depends on whoīs asking" Johnny said, and got to his feet. He didnīt like this man much. Although it was hard to say why - a more in-offensive guy would be hard to find. Dressed as he was in a grey suit, and a long grey overcoat - with grey hair and matching grey eyes ... He actually looked so grey, that Johnny thought; "This must be some sort of joke ..."

"No, Sir. I assure you. No joke at all" the man said. And then handed Johnny a business card saying "But if your identity really depends on who I am, Sir - my name is H. Ermes. I am a barrister. Iīm with the firm of Bramblestone, Bramblestone & Witt. And our offices are situated at 69 Middle Temple Lane. London, Sir."

The card did say that. Plus a couple of other things. A long row of abbreviations, that didnīt tell Johnny much ... Just that it was a very learned fellow, he had in front of him. And there was a phone and a fax-number - and an e-mail address ...

"Well - Mr... eh ... Ermes. I certainly am Johnny Depp. ... but what do you want? ... and how the fu.. did you get in here in the first place? This garden is supposed to be private!?!"

"Oh, yes - that ... sorry about that, Sir. I have a job to offer you" Ermes said "My aunt would very much want your ... a-hmm .. service ... You see, Sir - one of our contacts ... Miss Meeps has claimed, you are the most gorge.... Well, letīs just say, she recommended you very highly to my aunt"

"My service ..." Johnny said in a bemused tone of voice "Iīm an actor - I donīt go around servicing people - I mean ... what is it, she wants? And who is this Ms. Meeps ... No, never mind about her! Let me give you a card of my own - actually my managerīs business card. She gets just a tiny little bit up-set, if I go around arranging jobs without her approval. Something about my lack of business sense or some sort of nonsen ... thing. .... but I like to keep her happy - so if you will follow me down to the house ..."

Mr. Ermes did so. And completely and utterly charmed every female in same house - from the Johnny little daughter Lily-Rose to same little ladyīs grandmother just visiting.

Johnny thought; "Well - maybe this strange stranger isnīt all that bad then ...." But felt strangely relieved just the same, when the barrister disappeared down the road in an very expensive looking, ancient black Rolls Royce.

"What did that charming old gentleman want, dear?" Vanessa asked. "Damned if I know ..." Johnny shook his head, and then ducked it a bit, because his mother playfully slapped him - telling him not to swear in front of the child.

Poor little old Johnny indeed. Here he could use a guardian angel, the little angel ... O.k. here we go again ;-)

CHAPTER TWO.  Incarceration.

"O.k" Johnny thought "here we go again - but what the hell did I do THIS time??"

Johnny stood holding on to the bar in the door of his prison cell, and looked across a narrow corridor out of a window - through more bars ... It wasnīt like, there was that much to see - only the clear blue sky, he had been enjoying a little while ago, walking down Sunset Boulevard, Los Angeles - and minding his own business.

Suddenly a big LAPD car had screeched to a hold up on the sidewalk in front of Johnny - almost killing a little old lady peacefully out walking her small dog in the process ... They screeched too.

And Johnny hear a bike roar up behind him, but before he could turn and have a look, somebody shoved him hard to the ground, screaming; "Freeze! Donīt move!! Down on the ground, you scum bag!!!"

Now - in the calm of the holding cell - Johnny was wondering, how he was suppose to both "not move" and "get down on the ground" at the same time. But he guessed, the cops had been in a blue funk, because all three had had their guns out and pointing at him - which hampered the one who was suppose to hand cuff him terribly ...

Johnny certainly complied with all their wishes - didnīt want to try and resist arrest with guns out and ready for action. He even thought, he had heard one of the cops cocking his weapon. But when Johnny finally - after much pushing, shoving and swearing - was seated in the back of the squad car, he did ventured a question; "And what have I done this time, Officer?"

Only to get the rather puzzling answer; "What havenīt you done! And now shut up. Or we might still decide to shoot you for resisting arrest!"

So Johnny shut up ...

But things got more and more strange. Because at the station, they kept claiming, he was French. "No" Johnny try to explained "I live in France. Thatīs different" But then he was told not to get smart with the lieutenant.

"Your name is Jacques Christobal Dapp. You are a former mercenary - you were in the Foreign Legion, I see. A short time - some months ago ... And you are wanted by the CIA, FBI, the French police, the German ... Scotland Yard, Interpol, MI5 and 6 ... I could go on all day. You have been a very diligent bank robber among other things - for the neo Nazi - well-well!"

B-b-but - no!!" Johnny tried explaining "I make movies for a living - the closest, I have come to being wanted by any police, is playing a criminal ... a drug ... never mind that! And my name is actually Johnny Depp! ... with an e, not a a ..." Johnny thought a moment ironically to himself "I am starting to sound like Joonīs Sam now"

But the policemen wouldnīt believe him for a minute. Johnny Depp was a movie star, right? "Yes, well - sort of" Johnny admitted reluctantly. But in that case the cops wanted to know; where were his bodyguards and streeeetch limo - all the gorgeous, to die for babes .. Why were there a hole on the knee of his jeans? And day old beard on his cheeks? Where were his watch? His wallet for crying out loud? Johnny wished, they would stop crying so loud - his head hurt ...

So Johnny tried asking to borrow the phone and call somebody, who could vouch for him - nope! But would the police then call. His agent perhaps. Even his mother, although he didnīt relish that idea so much ... The cops laughed mighty at that suggestion, and claimed, not even a mother would love an ar..hole like him.

And then the largest cop yanked him to his feet and frog marched him out to a cell. Telling him not to be stupid! They knew his kind - he just wanted some fancy pantsy lawyer to come and get him out!!

"Yes, please" Johnny mumbled, and got pushed roughly through the cell door for saying that.

Johnny didnīt understand this. He had been in jail before, sure! But - police men and women were usual very polite and business like. He got treated - mostly - as anybody else. Yes, that was it - like anybody else; maybe a little better even - at times ... with female cops. .... but certainly no worse.

And he had never experienced, the cops wouldnīt believe, who he was - actually swore, he was somebody else entirely ...

It of course didnīt help, his wallet with his drivers license and anything else lay at home on the dresser - but he had just wanted to enjoy the sunshine a bit. Walk and look at people - think and dream a bit ... And hadnīt thought on anything so strange as bringing money and papers ...

Suddenly Johnny got interrupted in his reveries by a hand caressing his butt - and a thick voice telling him; "Wow, youīre gorgeous - want to go steady, Darlinī? Try a real man for once? How about a little kiss for starters ...."

O.k. the cavalry to the rescue :-) But no John Wayne - since our boy canīt stand him ;-) But it has to be bad, before it gets good ... and I must apologize a bit for Johnnyīs language in the next episode ..... but I think, he has good reason :-)

CHAPTER THREE.  Liberation.

Johnny froze - and then slowly turned his head, and looked up - and up ... at a really big, fat man ... with greasy blond hair hanging down his broad neck. A former body builder, who had run to seeds, and now had a big beer gut hanging over his belt. And dark scattered facial hairs in his smug grinning mug.

"Well" the man rumbled "Iīm Gunter. Donīt be coy now, baby cheeks, and tell me your name?"

Now Johnny first thought was "Run!!!" To which the practical side of his brain asked; "Where to?" Because you canīt run that far in a prison cell.

So Johnny tried instead to get around this mountain of a man. But Gunter was having none of it - just sniggered and pressed Johnny harder against the bars. When he could see, that didnīt work, Johnny took a deep breath - and immediately regretted it ... Gunter was apparently not best friends with water and soap. But Johnny tried never the less to smile as friendly, as he could, and told the big blob: "Sorry, Gunter - but I donīt think, you are - I mean, I donīt think, I am your type after all"

"You are here, ainīt you?" the big man said, looking confused "And you are really gorgeous, Honey. No doubt about it. Only - and please donīt take this personal, Sugarpuss ... I want my "girls" to shave in the face - every where come to think of it ..."

Johnny closed his eyes a moment. Hoping, he would have woken from this nightmare, when he opened them again. And the body pressing against his would be Vanessaīs. Or little Lily-Roseīs - having decided; Papa had slept long enough now!! So could he please open his eyes and play!?!

Then Johnny suddenly did opened his eyes - very wide ... and banged the back of his head against the bars behind him - Gunter had taken the closed eyes as an invitation to a kiss ...

Where was a plank, when you needed one!?! Or a good huge brick - anything!!! But the police donīt want their "guests" to hurt themselves - or more likely each other - so such equipment wasnīt around.

Besides - Johnny was starting to feel dizzy - and queasy. His heart galloped off at an alarming pace - probably wanting to get anywhere, but here .... but "No!" he told himself sternly; "No! I am NOT afraid!!" It must be because he tried not to breath too much or too deeply ... The smell of Gunter this close up could kill a dead man ...

But before Johnny could decide what to do or say next, one of the police men said behind him "Your lawyers are here, Dapp" And a womanīs voice said very firmly: "Heracles!!! Will you stop bullying him - or Iīll come in there and tell you, whatīs what ..."

Gunter mumbled something unintelligible, and shoved off Johnny, so he suddenly didnīt have to stand with his back pressed against the bars and could breath again. As the burly bum lumbered to the back of the cell mumbling "Not fair .. not fair at all - dumb bitch! Just because Iīm only half a god ..." Johnny for the first time noticed a sign leaning against the wall of the cell saying "Eat at Joeīs" Perhaps Gunter had gone around with that without a permit, and that was why he was in here, Johnny thought confused.

Then Mr. Ermesī very English voice said; "Yes, Officer. That is precisely the young man, we want. Weīll be very happy to take him off your hands now. Come along! We donīt have all day standing here shooting the breeze, my good man!!"

And so they did get Johnny out of his jail cell. Mr. Ermes and a very tall, dark haired American lawyer called Ms. A. P. Acropolous. Ms. Acropolous didnīt do much talking. Just showed the duty officer something on her laptop. Where as Ermes arranged the rest of the release with a diplomacy and ease, Johnny would otherwise have admired, if he wasnīt starting to get so royally pissed off.

So the moment they were out of the station, he rounded on Ermes. And totally disregarding the fact, that there was a lady present, he thundered: "What in the name of all Hell was that f..king cock-up about!! If you think, Iīll work for your aunt - or uncle Bob - or what the hell person, it is, you want me to work for ... j-just because you can get me thrown into a blooming jail, you have another thing coming, jerk! Iīd ..."

"Be quiet?"

"I - I - you dirty, rotten, stin .. king good-for-nothinī - yes, I guess, Maīm ... Hm - yes, Maīm" Johnny ran out of steam. And thought; "How did that tall broad make me stop just like that?"

"Thank you" Ms. Acropolous said with a little smile "That is very kind of you, Johnny. And I do want to apologize profusely for this ugly experience. But we did not arrange for you to be arrested ... It was because of our aunt, and the - ahem .. job, she has for you, yes - but ... Maybe you better explain, Hermes"

"Maybe I should" Hermes sighed "But why donīt we repair to that coffee shop across the street, and then Iīll try and answer all your questions"

So they went and bought some coffee - and it being a cop place - some dough nuts. When they finally sat down, Hermes sighed again, and said "You see, my dear boy - we are ancient ... Yes, yes, Athena, I know! A lady never admits her age - but I, at least, am an ancient Greek god ... And you are a goddess - and greek - are you not?"

Ms. Acropolous nodded solemnly and sipped her coffee, and Johnny felt, he was still dreaming - although it wasnīt so much of a nightmare any longer.

"Is that, what you are - is that, what you are believing ..." Johnny asked cautiously "Or just a sort of game - Tim Burton making candy camera - with me as the "victim"" Johnny thought.

"Nope, Mr. Burton has nothing to do with it - this comedy of arrows has quite another kind of director, Although we are not quiet sure who yet" Ms. Acropolous said calmly - and Johnny dropped the last bit of dough nut into his coffee, so the cup tipped off the table and smashed on to the floor

"You are reading my thoughts!" he kind of screamed.

"Yes - well - sorry about that, my dear ... I keep forgetting, humans normally donīt like that" said Athena, and did manage to look a bit contrite. "But you might as well get use to it, Johnny-honey, if you are suppose to be auntie Aphroditeīs boy toy"

O.k. people, sit down and have a cup of java - dough nuts, anyone? And letīs hear, what happens next :-)

CHAPTER FOUR.  Explanation.

"I am suppose to be Aphroditeīs boy-to .. lover - Oh, no!! God damn ... You must be out of you screwed .. up ... mind, I am not!!!" Johnny started to get up - but Athena looked ever so slightly annoyed - and somehow he ended up seated again. Feeling pressed down in the chair just by her willing him to sit down and relax a bit.

"O.k" he managed to get out "you are go ... superhuman in some way - not mere mortals ... Go-gods or whatever. ... Athena - the goddess of wisdom a-and wa-war? And He-hermes*? ... B-but you see ..... You donīt understand - but I am happy with my girl and our child ... with my life at the moment.I d-donīt want to - I am not sure what exactly, it is, you are planning to do with me ... Or maybe I have a pretty good idea after all ... And Iīm sure, it is all very flattering and - and that sort of thing - but please .... No! Please let me stay, where I am - feeling happy and - and s-safe"

"Hmmm - that is something new ... usually men are very eager to be Auntieīs lover. See it as a career move among other things ..." Hermes looked a bit puzzled "She doesnīt take one that often any more, you know .. she is so busy now. With writing and publishing very hot love stories in books and magazines. Maybe you have read some of them ... And she is creating and selling delicious scented perfumes - you must have smelled one of those. And she runs the biggest dating agencies in Europe - why it is even on-line now a days" Hermes smiled - looking proud of and happy for his aunt.

And Johnny thought to himself "He really loves his aunt Aphrodite"

"Yes, we do!" Athena smiled too. And then apologized for reading his thoughts again "But then again aun .. I mean, Aphrodite is one of the nicer one of our ilk - the gods and goddesses, I mean. And you could end up doing worse thing than being her lover. But - when you donīt want to ..." she held up her hands to ward of more protestations from Johnny "you donīt want o - we just have to tell her that. ... It is really a shame though. She was soooo taken with you, when Meeps showed her the videos, she has of you - and all the articles and pictures ... And there is this really huge web-site, Meeps knows about - Depfan or something - all in your honour ..."

Here Johnny hurried to ask; "Who is this Meeps any way!?! What have I ever done to her, that she should get me into this mess - and land me in jail too!! I am of a mind to wring her neck, spit on her shoes .. and - and hang her up upside down somewhere - and - and ... make her think twice about ..."

"Oh, Meeps didnīt get you thrown in the can!!" Hermes calmly interrupted Johnnyīs eruption "She would never do a thing like that .. I think .. And she would most certainly not send Heracles to bully and threaten you like that!! Of that I am quite sure! She hates that kind of thing ..."

"No, of course she wouldnīt! Ares send his old war horse - Heracles! And as a warrior - or former warrior, Heracles was just being a good little boy and doing, what his boss said, he should" Athena scoffed "Ares and Aphrodite had a torrid love - or more likely with him; sex-affair once, back when we were all a lot younger than today - before you were even thought off, my dear Johnny. And he just canīt seem to get it into his thick scull, that it is over and done with a really very long time ago. MEN!! So he had somebody falsify your papers ... They hacked into a government mainframe computer - or perhaps bribed some government official to do the deed - and changed you into this French Dapp guy ..."

"But donīt you worry about that, boyo" Hermes added smiling "Athena here is a genius with a laptop. And she changed it all back to normal in the car coming down here from The Valley. So now you are back to being John Christopher Depp. And not wanted by anybody - except for a whole lot of women - and at least one Greek goddess"

"Ares? You mean - like in the Greek god of war?" Johnny wasnīt sure, he would like the answer, but felt, he had to ask.

"Why, yes, old boy ... Ares is of course not a god anymore. None of us are - we are just tired old immortals .... He deals in arms now a days. And ... Iīm afraid, drugs on the side ... And he is a long time consultant for CIA, NSA - maybe also FBI .... Knew all the old guys too - Hitler, Goring, Stalin, Bugsy Siegel ... Howard Hughes, Pinochet ... Franco and Capone - those guys. What, with his years - and years of experience of war and mayhem, he is an absolute gem for people like that. But you are starting to look positively green in the face, kid - are you sure, you are alright?"

Hermes patted Johnnyīs hand on the table, and looked really concerned by now.

And Johnny certainly didnīt think, he could handled much more at the moment, thatīs for sure. A former god of war being jealous and wanting to harm him seriously. Sending a bloke to ... whatever. Because of an affair with a former goddess of love, Johnny hadnīt had yet - and wasnīt even sure ... No! Make that; pretty sure, he didnīt want to have ...

"I want to go home ..." he sighed. Knowing he sounded a bit like a whining five year old.

"Certainly, my darling baby boy" Athena said, and leaning across the table, she pecked him on the cheek - and Johnny strolled into the Book Soup - having only the very vaguest recollection of Californian cops, Frenchīs bank robbers, any half or whole gods and goddesses, crazy Danes, Gunter/Heracles and other assorted misfits in today's society.

He whistled a merry tune, and only thought of buying a childrenīs book, he had read about, for Lily-Rose - he had totally forgotten, his money lay at home on the dresser.

* Hermes: Greek god of - among other things - politicians, thieves, orators (actors ;-) ) and wandering salesmen. (even back in those days politicians wasnīt held in that high esteem, it seems ...) Hermes is the messenger for the other gods, and followed people to the Underworld, when they were dead.

Go to Part Two...

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