MUCH ADO ABOUT...SOMETHING
Another collaborative effort by some crazy Johnny Depp fans
Meeps begins the story...
It was a cold, wet night, and the wind was howling outside. It was early winter, so you couldn't blame the weather. It was just doing its job. But Pippa Marjoram was glad just the same, that she was inside The Cross-Eyed Dragon, her favorite watering hole. She was having a quiet game of pool with herself. There were only two other guests in the bar - a blonde and a dark haired women sitting at a table just inside the door. They were apparently having an argument. Or rather the blonde was going on about something, and the bigger woman just shook her head or shrugged, and looked with a fond, indulgent smile on her friend.
Suddenly the door blew open, banging up against the wall behind it, and the storm practically blew a young dark haired guy inside. He grappled at the door, but the wind wouldn't let him close it, until the dark haired woman got up and helped.
He got some wet hair out of a couple of gorgeous brown eyes, and smiled his thanks to the woman. And Pippaīs heart jumped a beat - wow ... She suddenly decided, she better get a refill. He was bound to be heading for the bar anytime soon, but it had of course nothing to do with that!
At the bar Nicki McFee, the bartender and owner of the Dragon, and Pippaīs good friend, ignored her out stretched glass, and said with feeling: "Of all the gin joints in all the world, he had to walk into mine!"
"Huh?" was the only intelligent answer Pippa could find at the moment, and then, "You know him?"
"No - let's say, I know OF him," Nicki said. "A Sister* pointed him out to me at the market place one day. He is not quite right in the head, she said. She had met him in Sneezy Hillock - and there was the matter of a ghost or something ... Hush! Here he comes."
And indeed he did. Pippa turned and looked and ... oh, my ... he was even more dishy close up. He smiled at Nicki and Pippa. And Pippa noticed that her friend even closed the book she had been reading and put it away - a great honor indeed. Pippa didn't quite manage to see the title - Fanny something ...
Then the young man spoke - with a soft gentle voice: "Good evening, ladies. Could I have a beer, please? And maybe you could help me too ..."
"OH, YES! Please, let me help you," Pippa thought to herself. "Please! Let me caress you. Undress ...."
* [The "Sister" Nicki is referring to is a member of "The Sisterhood of Mercy," a group of women who gather intelligence for the empress in this fantasy realm. I do believe the Sisters sometimes do more sinister things too - but I don't dare look too closely into their affairs.]
Langley wrote:
"I will be happy to help you if I can." Pippa smiled her most lovely smile at the comely stranger as Nicki served up the beer, a wary look on her face.
The stranger looked quizzically at Nicki, then at Pippa, then scratched his head shyly, averting his eyes, a sweet smile on his lips. Pippa took full advantage of the opportunity to study his features...beautifully sculpted cheekbones, long dark eyelashes, full (and very kissable) lips...then he looked up again and she quickly averted HER eyes, not wanting to appear too obvious, her head fairly spinning at such a pleasing picture.
"Well, perhaps I am asking too much..." he said softly, looking rather sad and fairly breaking Pippa's heart.
"Why don't you ask, and let me be the judge of that? My name's Pippa, by the way," she said as she held out her hand in introduction.
"Ray," said the handsome stranger, grasping Pippa's outstretched hand in a gentle handshake, his eyes looking briefly in hers and then shyly downward again.
Another sip of his beer, a deep breath, and then he reached into his satchel and, with utmost care, pulled out something thickly wrapped in a soft cloth.
"You see, I've found a dragon's egg," he began as he tenderly unwrapped his treasure.
Meeps wrote:
Pippa looked at the oval shape in Ray's hand. It was a bit longer than his hand and shining white and pink like the finest mother-of-pearl. Imagine that something so delicate and beautiful could become a big and at times scary dragon. Pippa loved dragons - but was always on her guard. Why, one had almost sat on her once, because he hadn't seen her. He apologized kindly, but still ...
"And where, pray do tell, was the mother, while you pinched that egg?" Nicki wasn't quite as taken with the young bloke as Pippa. "Dragonmothers don't normally allow humans to go wandering off with their eggs like that."
Pippa could see, Ray started to say something sharply in his own defense, then he smiled and said, "No, she would probably have had me for dinner, if she had been there. But," he added more seriously, "I camped out the night before last. And when I left the camp in the morning, I found this single egg in a nest ten yards from my campfire ... she hadn't been there all night, so I guessed something had happened, and took the egg with me."
"O.K. ... I apologize," said Nicki. "I thought you were one of the Emperor's dragonhunters, who had stolen himself an egg. ... but then you wouldn't be here, would you?"
"No," Ray said - looking very serious and even more cute in Pippaīs eyes, "I want to keep this dragon away from the Emperor's people. They destroy the dragon's spirit with magic in order to make it an obedient wardragon ... And I want this little one to be free! But can one raise a dragon - can humans raise a dragon?"
"Excuse me, Ray, but you must take first things first. You're counting your...uh...dragon...before it's hatched," Pippa offered.
"Ah yes, there is the matter of keeping this egg warm until the miraculous moment, isn't there?" replied Ray. "Would you happen to know of someone who might be willing to...take on that responsibility?"
Pippa frowned. While she would dearly LOVE to assume the task of incubating the dragon's egg, she wondered if she would be able to devote the proper time at the moment, given her hectic schedule at the Ware Dens and her volunteer work at the Aged Caves and all. "Well, I'm not sure..." she hedged.
"I could help," he offered sincerely. "I mean, I could watch over the egg for certain times during the day, if you could watch over it at other..." his voice trailed off in embarrassment, realizing what he'd just said. His face flushed with embarrassment.
"Yes, if you could help, then I'd be glad to help you incubate the egg," she assured him. "Well," Pippa hesitated, "I know it has been done before ... Maybe you should come back with me to my home. My grandmother is the present Shrilla-witch. And if she doesnīt know what to do, she knows people - and dragons - who can help you."
Ray smiled and nodded, and started to say something, when a voice suddenly said, "You shouldnīt go around showing people that egg."
Pippa had certainly forgotten the two other women in the bar, and she was sure Nicki and Ray had too, because they looked wonderingly at the dark hair woman standing between Pippa and Ray. "Somebody might decide to steal it," she continued. "We saw dragon hunters earlier today coming into town. And they will probably not steal it from you - but perhaps try forcing you to "donate" it to the Emperorīs army. And somebody else might steal it and sell it to them."
"Donīt worry, I will hide it, Lulubell," Ray smiled. "And sweet Pippa here thinks she knows where I can get help." Pippa blushed at this and hurried to say, that it was her grandmother who should help, not her. But looked very pleased all the same.
Lulubell and her friend Canstance said goodnight and left for their hotel. Nicki said she would call it a night and close, and then suggested Pippa should go upstairs and get ready for bed, if they were supposed to start early the next day on their way south to the island of Shrilla.
"You sleep here?" Ray asked, and looked for some reason a bit embarrassed.
"Yes," Pippa said, "Nicki is an old friend of the family and I am borrowing her guest room, whenever I am in town. Why?"
"Oh, nothing. I will go and find a hotel." Ray coughed and started getting his backpack on.
"Nonsense," Nicki said a bit roughly. "In this storm, you wonīt find any room! You can sleep on the couch in the living room!"
And so he did. Not that that made it any easier for Pippa to get any sleep - she kept tossing and turning - "He likes me - he likes me not ... he likes ... I ought to have a flower to pick clean," she thought irritably to herself at one point. Finally she gave up and rose in order to go and see if Nicki had more chocolate pudding in her kitchen cupboard.
"Wait a sec - there is light. Ah, good - Nicki canīt sleep either, so we can talk about him," Pippa thought happy. But it was Ray sitting, with one candle lit, at the dining table in the kitchen ...
"Oh, you couldnīt sleep either?" Pippa could hear, she stated the obvious, but was too nervous to find something sensible to say.
"No - I have these nightmares ..." Ray hesitated. "Do you think your grandmother knows anything about dreams? How to get them to go away perhaps ..."
"She might. Let me hear about it. I may not be able to help, but ..." Pippa sat down beside him. And Ray told her about it.
That he dreamt about being another. Not the wandering minstrel and juggler, he was - alone in the world. But a guy with a sweet wife and an adorable little girl child - and friends ... "I think, his name is Yonny or Jonny or something" Ray said, smiling very sweetly. "People certainly like him - love him even."
"But you said, it was a nightmare?" Pippa asked gently.
"Yes," again Ray hesitated - not wanting particularly to talk about that part. "Sometimes - best as I dream about the good things, suddenly these ten or twelve wizards stand in front of me ... yelling and screaming; "Look this way, dep" - "Over here, dep" and throwing blinding lightning balls at me. Strangely enough nothing happens to me. But only the greatest wizards could hold a shield up and survive that. Do you think, "dep" is a magic word?"
"Hmmmm - could be - it does sound magical. But I have never heard it before ... Those kind of dreams - I think, it is a langlymips, you are suffering from," Pippa said. "It is a sort of hole between two parallel worlds named after the two witches Langly and Mips, who discovered it some twenty years ago. You are supposed to learn from it - maybe you are destined to be a great wizard. But we will have to ask my Uncle George for the details - he has read every book known to man," Pippa giggled, "Or at least his wife claims he has. And he always answers, "No, Dear. Three more."
"Me being a wizard? My father has trouble enough with me being an ... entertainer!" Ray sounded bitter and sad, and Pippa decided she would not ask him about that, since it obviously hurt him. So she just squeezed his hand a bit.
"Are you sure your family wonīt mind your bringing me home with you?" Ray asked. "I mean - everybody has heard about your grandmother demanding a lot of money from count Benjamin of Ruggiero, because he wanted her to help him steal the dragonīs treasure. And he - being eternally broke - stormed out and called her a witch ..."
"Which she is, and proud of it too," Pippa smiled. "But she only demanded all that money because she didnīt want to help him in the first place. She also asked the stout bishop of Brando to dig part of our garden, when he wanted a potion in order to get thinner - and he declined. And is even broader today ... But you," Pippa collected all her courage and then some, "You she wonīt charge." And with that, she kissed him lightly on the lips. And held her breath ...
Ray thought for a moment. Then said very softly "I think, the nightmare would stay away, if ... could we .. you know ...."
And strangely enough - given the very little amount of information she had to go on, Pippa did know. So she took his hand, blew out the candle and off they went - to try one of the worldīs best cures against fear and nightmares - hugs, kisses and caresses, rolled into one and called making love.
Finally Pippa and Ray slept - as close together as humanly possible. So Pippa woke slightly when she felt Ray leaving her arms.
"Whatīsup?" she asked sleepily.
"Nothing," Ray said, donning his pants. "I just need to pee. All that good coffee you made, you know." He smiled.
"Shall I come with you?" Pippa said and started to get up.
"Nope, I am a big boy - havenīt you noticed? Children donīt - you know," Ray said with an endearing shy, sly smile and a gesture of his hand indicating the bed. "Itīll only take a minute, Baby."
He pushed her back gently, tucked the covers up around her and then kissed the tip of her nose, ordering her - equally gently, "Sleep, Sweets." Whereupon he left the room so quietly, that his shadow seemed to Pippa to make the most noise. So she obediently slept. And so soundly, that she didnīt wake up before the sun was high in the sky, and Nicki was banging on the door.
"Wake up in there! We have been robbed!!"
Pippa got out of bed and wrapped Rayīs red blanket around her, which he had been wearing in the kitchen the night before. It still smelled faintly of him - a bit of tobacco, leather and - oddly enough - roses ...
"Is Ray inside with you?" Nicki demanded through the door.
"No," Pippa said, opening same door, and following a cussing and swearing Nicki into the living room.
"If that good-for-nothing son of a female dog has stolen my box Iīll - Iīll ..." Apparently Nicki couldnīt find something colorful enough to do to Ray, if he had nicked her stash.
So Pippa hurried to ask, "Steal from you? And then leave all his things here ... his good walking boots for one thing - this blanket ... the dragon egg over there - oh, stop looking at me like that! We are unattached grown-ups who can spend our nights any way we want!! Besides - he is absolutely, utterly, completely gorgeous ... He is just so sweet .. and wanted me too ... Would you have me pass up on that!?! You know, I havenīt been so lucky in love ... why donīt you have a look and see if your money is still there!?!"
Nicki shook her head, saying, "Yeah, you are in love alright." But she bent down and removed a loose stone from the side of the fireplace and dragged out a wooden box - and lo and behold, her money and jewels were all there.
"B-b-but" she stammered "I was so sure ... the back door stood slightly open when I came down this morning. One of my ornamental bottles on the bar is smashed - the pink one, your Aunt Heather gave me - and the leg of one of the barstools ..."
"And that made you sure Ray had stolen from you?" Pippa couldnīt decide who to side with - her old friend or her new. But she thought, the evidence was somewhat flimsy - (as flimsy as she had wished for her plain cotton nightgown to be the night before in the kitchen - and as thin as her thighs ought to be, but werenīt ...) and she said as much. Not about the nightgown and thighs, but about the evidence :-)
"There is missing 32 solidos from the cash register," Nicki pointed out. But the anger was gone from her voice. "O.k. - I admit - Ray is certainly a charmer and seems like a very nice young man. I am sorry about my outburst ... It was just - a wandering minstrel usually needs money all the time ... And we donīt know anything about him ... but you are right - those 32 solidos couldnīt buy him new boots or as good a harp as this or ..."
"I do know a bit more about him now," Pippa began. But when Nicki smirked a bit and yanked at a corner of the red blanket, Pippa snapped, "I donīt mean that!!" Then she added more calmly "... he said some things - He knew about the Count of Ruggiero wanting to steal the dragonīs treasure. And not many people know about that - I think he knows Ruggiero or somebody close to him ... Something he said also makes me think his father is one of emperor Gusī** top military men. Something about his father being very disappointed, because Ray wouldnīt shoot at living things and some more stuff ... And you are right - both the harp and this leather jacket are of very good quality ... old and worn, but expensive to begin with ..." They stood looking bewildered at Rayīs things, neatly placed beside the couch he was supposed to have been sleeping on.
"You are sure he isnīt in the house?" Pippa asked.
And Nicki said, "Yes. I even looked in the stable. Oh - Powderpuff wants his breakfast."
Pippa nodded - her horse could eat at all hours, if you let him. But then she said in a confused tone, "Do you think somebody stole Ray, too?"
** [Emperor "Gus" is of course not officially named Gus. You are supposed to call him His Majesty Emperor Romulous Augustulous .... but Pippa is too lazy a broad for that ;-)]
Langley wrote:
As they sipped hot chocolate, Nicki and Pippa continued to muse over the abrupt disappearance of Ray...it just didn't make any sense! He'd left all his belongings, including his beloved harp and the dragon's egg. It was as if he'd vaporized! And there was the issue of the missing solidos and the broken glass jar. Finally, Nicki decided to send some dragonettes with messages to the neighboring villages, to see if there was any sign of Ray or her money. She stepped outside to the shed where her beloved dragonettes were housed, wrote several quick notes, and attached one note to each of the 5 dragonettes' legs. The dragonettes chirped happily at sight of Nicki, eager to be out on a mission, their colors flashing from iridescent green to purple to red and back to green. Then she opened the door wide. In a flurry, the dragonettes took off into the sky and were out of sight within seconds. "There," remarked Nicki. "That should get us some information if he's anywhere around here."
Pippa was in a quandary, though. Should she head south with the precious dragon's egg to the island of Shrilla and her grandmother, or wait here at the Cross-Eyed Dragon until some word of Ray reached her? She decided that one more day wouldn't make much difference, and besides, she and Nicki had a LOT to talk about. She found her thoughts drifting lazily to the pleasures of last night...Ray's soft voice, his touch, his kisses, his sweet shy smile...
The women spent the day catching up on news and cleaning the dragonettes' cages. Just before sunset, the dragonettes began filtering home. Each bore a note from a neighboring village, each note saying basically the same thing: No one had seen this man called Ray.
HWDF wrote:
While the woebegone wenches chugged their chocolat, the Raydiant One fought his way through an early winter blizzard. The weather was, of course, just doing its job, but Ray wished that it might go on strike for awhile. Now he thought, belatedly, of the warm leather jacket he had left behind, and wished he'd had more time to prepare.
The gale picked up and blew more fiercely as Ray trudged along the frozen path. Pulling his woolen cloak tighter, he remembered his good walking boots which were now snugly situated beside the couch at the Cross-Eyed Dragon. No matter. He had his well-worn hiking boots, and they had seen him through many an adventure.
He had been on the road since dawn, and already had had a close brush with disaster. Within a mile of the inn, his good eye had spotted a troop of dragon hunters rounding a crest in the road up ahead - and coming his way. To avoid detection, Ray was forced to abandon the road and hit the ditch, which he did just in the Nick of Time. (Ray does a lot of that.)
But now, the early December sun had peaked in the southern sky, creating a blinding glare on the snow-encrusted landscape, and our wandering minstrel was forced to don his Ray-Bans. Which may not be such a bad thing, he acknowledged. He had noticed in the past that fewer wizards threw lightning balls at him when he wore his shades.
To distract himself from his arctic surroundings, Ray entertained warm memories of the previous evening and the passionate Pippa - taking special delight in her scanty nightgown and ample thighs. Pippa obsessed that she had the Shrilla-witch's thighs, and Ray chuckled out loud at the thought! It was common knowledge throughout the realm that Ray had romanced a bevy of buxom babes. That Ray liked a broad with some beef on her bones.
Lost in fantasies, our hero nearly missed the whistling of Dragonette wings as a flock flew through the scudding clouds of a slate gray sky. Seeking refuge in the hollow trunk of an ancient elm, he once again avoided detection.
On reaching a fork in the road, the Raydiant One turned left and approached the object of his trek with not a little trepidation. (There's another of those 25-cent words - but our wandering minstrel knew he could afford them. With 32 solidos bouncing in his breeches, Ray was flush.) Not that he hadn't regretted having to pinch Nicki's pennies. But he knew the solidos would be returned 10-fold on the completion of his mission - provided his Raygonomics were right.
Rounding a bend in the road, our hero beheld a golden glow caressing the landscape ahead, and recognized the residence of the Archbishop of Brando. Now that the good Bishop lived under the Arches, he had his burgers prepared on site, and was pretty much attached to the house. Ray knew that, if he was to unravel his nightmares and face the horror of the langlymips, he must avail himself of the wisdom which was wedged within.
But that wisdom came at a price: The Bishop would demand a donation of 32 solidos to the Mickler Memorial for the Mentally Mystified - and Ray was ready to pay.
Meeps wrote:
Ray walked the long straight road towards the golden glow of the Bishopīs house humming a little to himself, "...you are my sugar, you just have to touch my cup," a piece of tune he had heard somewhere and now couldnīt get out of his head.
There were open snow-covered fields on both sides of the road, so when Ray heard the sound of really huge wings flapping, there was no place to hide - and no time either.
An enormous shadow passed between Ray and the cold sun. And then a gigantic dragon landed two yards in front of Ray. The force of the wind created by the flapping of the strong wings forced him down on his knees, so as not to be thrown on his back. And then he tipped over after all and landed hard on his bum. But before Ray could do or say more than a mumbled "OOOOOOuch!" the dragon stuck her whole industrial sized head in his face and sniffed vigorously up and down his shirt front.
"Oh, go ahead and eat me!" Ray screamed in panic. "But could you hurry about it!?!" And he wondered at the same time, if per chance there were dragons, who were vegetarians?
Now dragons come - as humans - in all shapes, sizes and colors. And dragons have all kind of temperaments too - again like humans - so Ray couldnīt be sure whether this apparently big female dragon would like to eat a delicious young human as a late afternoon snack. But all she did was rumble, "You smell of MY egg. Give!!"
Before Ray could answer, another voice beside the dragon said, "Do you know what, Kali-Mah? I think that young man is the one the ***Pussilainius talked about - the one the young Shrilla chick wants back so badly that she was sending Dragonettes out with messages."
One part of Rayīs brain thought, "A troll, great!" While the other part of his mind lighted candles and started waving flags and balloons, while dancing around and singing, "Pippa wants me back, Pippa wants me ..." Then this last part suddenly thought about the 32 solidos burning a hole in his pocket - and decided to quit the celebrating for a bit. But he could at least comfort the mother. So he cautiously asked the dragon, "Your nest is up by the Lionrock - close to the source of the river Alma?"
She nodded - still only half a yard from Rayīs nose, and he sank a bit of saliva before he admitted, "Then I took your egg the day before yesterday. B-b-but!" he hurried to add, when the dragon opened her mouth, "It is safe with Pippa in The Cross-Eyed Dragon in Metropolitanos ... Maīm!"
"Hmmmm," the troll said. "This needs some explanation, I think. ..... oh, Kali-Mah, stop bullying him! You donīt have the heart to eat him, anyway." The dragon sent the troll a nasty look, but stepped back a bit just the same. Whereupon the troll helped Ray to his feet and said, "I am Billy-Bob Murphy, Mountain troll by birth and poet by inclination. She is Kali-Mah - and we would like some explanation."
So Ray presented himself, shook hands with Billy-Bob, and even made Kali-Mah smile a little by solemnly sticking his hand out for her to shake with a courteous bow. She handed him one claw back and shook, and commented that young Pippa seemed to have a good taste in humans. Ray thought for a moment whether or not she still wanted to eat him, despite what the troll had said. But then settled down to explaining what had happened.
Kali-Mah explained too - that she had been luring dragonhunters away from the nest. And when she finally came back after more than a day and a nightīs absence, the egg was gone, and only Billy-Bob stood beside the nest scratching his head. They saw the dragonhunters come back over the horizon, so they flew off - Billy-Bob on the dragonīs back - and this time they managed to lose the hunters all together. And finally - after upsetting many humans along their way - they found Ray and found out about the egg's whereabouts.
"We'd better be off. I can see you meant to help, and maybe you did. But now I just want to get my egg back. And then I am definitely emigrating!" Kali-Mah concluded after all this talking.
"Get on, if you are coming. I know you like Nickiīs bear," She added to Billy-Bob. And he jumped on her back and waved to Ray, while Kali-Mah backed up a bit and jumped into the air.
"Donīt tell Pippa, where I am!" Ray yelled after them. "It is a secret ... for now."
He guessed they didnīt hear him, because Billy-Bob just waved his big hand in the air without turning. Ray sighed - he would have to explain to Pippa sooner or later, but for now he would continue towards the Bishopīs mansion.
And so he did, while the sun sank in the west and the usual dogs barked a bit .....
*** ["Pussilainius" Cat-like and sized creature with monkey-like "hands" instead of front and back paws. Can pretend to be a cat, if it closes its hands to fist - then they look like paws. But donīt compare it to cats, or you will get an ear-full. Oh, did I forget to mention, they talk the humanīs language beside their own cat-like lingo :-)? And talk - and talk ..... tshee ;-) ]
Langley wrote:
Ray approached the Bishop of Brando's abode as the last light of dusk faded. Although the arches were shiny, the gate of the mansion was old and rusty, and it squeaked ominously as he worked at pushing it open. The soft glow from the windows of the mansion shone in Ray's eyes.
"Who be there??!!!" came a fearful query from a dark corner of the side of the mansion near the dumpster.
"I'm a weary traveler, looking for counsel from the Bishop of Brando," the startled Ray replied, peering into the darkness.
Suddenly there emerged a wizened and withered old man from the blackness of the night. He cautiously approached Ray, wielding a shiny spatula thick with hamburger grease.
"And what do ya be doin' out and about at night, then?" the old man asked suspiciously. "'Tis the time when all decent folk be safe indoors...only vagabonds and thieves go sneakin' around under cover of darkness. Doncha know what time it is?"
"Does anybody really know what time it is? I was detained along the road, kind sir. Otherwise I would have been here at a decent hour. Please, I must see the Bishop. I've come a very long way, and it's severely urgent. My name is Ray Rug. Do you know my music?"
The old man's eyes grew large and the wariness left his face. "Ray? Ray Rug? I've heard of ya! The traveling minstrel! Well then, come in, come in, don't ya just stand out there in the cold and the dark, ya fool!" He motioned Ray into the warmth of the mansion. "But where's yer harp?"
"I...uh...had to depart under extraordinary circumstances, sir, and was forced to temporarily leave my harp in the care of my beloved Pip...uh, I mean, in the care of another." ("Where did that LAST thought come from?" Ray wondered. He'd never considered any woman a beloved, though he loved all women.)
"Well, 'tis no matter. Sit ya down, Ray. I'm sure we've a spare harp around here somewheres. My name be Arnold...but the Bishop, he calls me Arnie, and you can be callin' me Arnie, too."
As Ray settled into a rather worn but comfortable chair by the roaring fire in the fireplace, the old man wandered into the kitchen and soon reappeared with a cup of hot chocolate...Ray's favorite.
"And just what might yer business be with the good Bishop of Brando, may I be askin' ya?" Arnie inquired as he settled down with his own cup of hot chocolate perched precariously on his knobby knee. "Ah, never ya mind tellin' me...I'll go and see if the Bishop will receive ya."
And with that, Arnie departed into the bowels of the mansion, leaving Ray to sip his hot chocolate in solitude. It was very comfortable by the fire...too comfortable. And Ray was weary...too weary. Soon his lids grew heavy, and he fell fast asleep...
...and wizards were throwing balls of light at him...and he felt fear and loathing in lost vagueness...people shouting, "Dep!" "Over here, Jonny!" Women screaming and swooning and fainting over his presence (he rather liked that part!). Then he dreamed a hall full of people jeering over something he'd created, something about a Brave...he felt as if he'd voluntarily cut open his chest cavity and invited everyone to shit in it. Then he dreamed he woke up, got out of bed, and dragged a comb across his head...found his way downstairs and drank a cup, and looking up, he noticed he was late...
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh ahhh ahhh ahhh!" he screamed out loud as Arnie shook him awake.
"Ray, ya been havin' a langlymips nightmare, I see! Well, I've bad news fer ya...the Bishop is indisposed and refuses ta see ya. It's the acid indigestion, ya know."
Ray was bitterly disappointed and fairly begged Arnie for just 5 minutes with the Bishop, but Arnie would not relent. He firmly explained that Ray would be allowed to stay the night...no decent burger mansion would throw a minstrel out on a night like this...but he must leave first thing in the morning, as the Bishop did not tolerate visitors when he had the acid indigestion.
The next morning, Ray dejectedly set out toward the south...for no particular reason other than gut instinct. How was he to solve his problem of these weird Langlymips dreams without the Bishop of Brando's help? How would he make peace with his father? How would he return the 32 solidos he'd "borrowed" from Nicki? Why could he not get his mind off Pippa's sweet smile and passionate thighs? He trudged along, contemplating these profound and perplexing matters, not paying any particular attention to his surroundings, when "Wooooosh!" came the sound of huge wings, and Ray was suddenly whisked off his feet by huge claws grabbing his suspenders.
"Aarrgghh!" screamed Ray.
"Husssshhh, Raydiant One, it's me, Kali-Mah. I won't hurt you, just be still now, my precioussssss."
"B-b-but why are you doing this, Kali-Mah? Didn't you get your egg back?" asked the fearful Ray.
"Oh, indeed I did, you darling boy, indeed I did," said Kali-Mah in what could only be described as a sexy, sultry voice. "And I got MUCH more than my egg back...I got the adventure of a lifetime, the opportunity to redeem and free my race, and some VERY juicy gossip from the Pussilainius! But be patient and be still my sweetiekins. All will be revealed soon enough. Take my advice and just play along with it, Raydiant One."
Ray tried to question her more, but she ignored him, so Ray hung there helplessly as Kali-Mah's strong wings carried them far and away to the south while Kali-Mah sang merrily: "Would you believe in a love at first sight? Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time. What do you see when you turn out the light? I can't tell you but I know it's mine. Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends..."
Presently, Ray sighted the castle of His Majesty, Emperor Romulous Augustulous...the Emperor of the Yew Knighted Stakes of Amairikuh.
"Oh, no!" said Ray...not HERE! Of all places, not HERE! Please, Kali-Mah! I know I'm going nowhere, but anywhere's a better place to be!" But Kali-Mah would answer no questions and tell him no lies.
As they flew within earshot of the castle, a tumultuous roar was heard far and wide. The streets were full of people, shouting and cheering. Flags were waving and Sgt. Salt's Lonely Hearts Club Band was grinding out a catchy tune. Ray watched in astonishment as all eyes lifted toward the sky...toward HIM! The majestic Kali-Mah flapped her wings furiously as she ever-so-gently deposited the disoriented Ray on the ground in a sea of cheering Amairikuhns and then promptly flew away.
Suddenly the crowd fell silent and parted, and running down the avenue came Pippa, her hair and dress all askew as she fairly knocked Ray off his feet by jumping into his arms. He felt a rush of pride as he realized that all of Amairikuh was watching Pippa give him a juicy kiss and a passionate hug.
"Ray!" said Pippa as she looked lovingly into his ebony eyes, smiling happily. "Oh, Ray! My Raydiant One!"
"What on Urth is going on, Pippa?" said Ray. "I'm so confused, I don't even know what time it is."
"Oh, you sweet man, you are so humble! That's what I like about you." was Pippa's only reply.
Shortly, Count Benjamin of Ruggiero appeared, and Ray, full of dread, pried Pippa loose to confront the Count.
"Father," he said.
"Son," said Count Benjamin.
"Dad, I'm..."
"No, son, it's MY fault! I've been under the spell of the Langlymips my whole life, but now I am free, because of you! All has become clear to me now. I love you, my son...please forgive me! You are no longer disinherited...you are my rightful heir! And I will ask you to hunt no more!"
And with that, the formerly notorious but now quite lovable Count Benjamin of Ruggiero took Ray Rug (actually Ray of Ruggiero) into his arms and embraced him as a father should embrace a dear son. Tears of joy flowed freely, down the faces of all Amairikuhns, into the streets, into the streams and rivers, and finally into the sea, and that is how the sea became salty.
Next, Emperor Gus himself came down the avenue and took Ray's hands into his own.
"Ray of Ruggiero!" the Emperor proclaimed, "You have freed our land from the dreadful langlymips, and for this you shall be Knighted!"
Whereupon Emperor Gus bade Ray kneel before him. Ray knelt solemnly, still quite befuddled by this strange turn of events but figuring he'd better go along with whatever the Emperor said. Then the Emperor touched both of Ray's shoulders with a bough from the sacred Yew tree and declared him to be henceforth known as Yew Knight Ray, of the Yew Knighted Stakes of Amairikuh.
The Emperor put the Yew bough aside and gently picked up a little creature wrapped in swaddling blankets.
"Here in my hand is the first freedragon born in our fair land: Kali-Alli-Baby, daughter of Kali-Mah, hatched just a few minutes ago! I further hereby proclaim that all dragons shall, from this day forth, be freedragons! No longer will we capture them and make them wardragons! The Sisterhood of Mercy is hereby disbanded and declared illegal! The Emperor's dragon-hunting army shall be no more, but shall instead be charged with preserving and protecting dragons and their habitat! So be it!"
Well, if Ray thought the roar of the crowd when he had first landed was loud, he was awestruck by the roar that erupted with the Emperor's proclamation. It sounded like New Yew's Eve in Sqimes Tuare!
Ray looked around him and saw Nicki McFee, smiling and crying and cheering, a dragonette perched on each shoulder. And there was Lulubell and Canstance, and Billy-Bob Murphy! Ray was introduced briefly to Pippa's grandmother (the Shrilla-witch), and Pippa's Aunt Heather and Uncle George. So many questions flooded Ray's mind! He really needed a quiet moment in order to sort all this out. But he was certainly happy enough with Pippa's arms around him, and her adoring looks, and thoughts of her legs to be wrapped around him later, so he played along with it...
Much later...following food and drink and dancing and singing (Ray even played his harp, which Pippa had so thoughtfully brought with her...she was worming her way into Ray's heart, that's for sure!), the castle grew quiet and Ray and Pippa were finally alone.
"Pippa, my sweet, will you now please tell me what on Urth is going on?"
"Ray, it's one thing to be humble in public, but you don't have to pretend with me! Very well, I suppose you'd like to hear MY side of the story: As you know, the langlymips has been plaguing the Yew Knighted Stakes for over 100 years. The witches Langly and Mips recently reported that over half of the population was affected by the hole between the two parallel worlds...some people, like your father and the Emperor, were severely affected and their personalities changed drastically."
When you broke the pink jar that my Aunt Heather gave to Nicki (which jar had been in our family for almost 100 years, given to my Aunt's mother by a mysterious wafaring stranger), it started the chain of events to dissolve the langlymips hole between the two parallel worlds. No one but YOU knew that within that jar was the riddle of the langlymips, and by solving it, you would rid us of the evil holding more than half of the people of the Yew Knighted Stakes of Amairikuh under its spell and giving them horrible dreams and making them do dastardly deeds."
"But, Pippa, I accidentally broke that jar...I didn't do it on PURPOSE!" Ray protested.
"Oh, my love! You really are too humble!" Pippa kissed him gently. "Now, stop interrupting me and let me finish, my hero!"
How could Ray argue with her? She was sooooo cute! So he just shut up and listened.
"After you mysteriously left (and I'm still just a little pissed at you for that, my love, but I DO understand that the entire Yew Knighted Stakes was your responsibility), Nicki and I spent the day together, and it wasn't until early evening when we found that piece of paper containing the riddle that you had carelessly dropped in your haste to be on the road. Just about that time, Kali-Mah and Billy-Bob arrived, and helped us to understand what was going on and decipher the riddle. We then all immediately left for the castle of the Yew Knighted Stakes, and Kali-Mah went in search of you. You, of course, remember what the riddle said, but let me just repeat it because it's so poetic:"
His true love's breasts he must be feel
32 Solidos he must steal
A dragon must consider him for a meal
One day later the people shall heal
Before the Emperor he must kneel
Then the langlymips hole shall forever seal
Pippa sighed dreamily as she finished reciting the poetic riddle.
"Holy shit!" said Ray. "I did all that? I'm pretty cool, huh?" Ray was beginning to feel smug and self-satisfied. "No more nightmares? No more wizards throwing balls of fire at me? No more Dep? I'm diggin' this, woman!" He grabbed Pippa and gave her a delicious kiss, then another, then another, then...they headed for the bedroom. As Pippa crawled into bed and Ray blew out the lantern, he accidentally stepped on his Ray-Bans, breaking them.
"Oh, well...no matter. I won't be needing them anymore," he thought to himself.
"Ray, dearest?" Pippa purred.
"Yes, my sweet Pippa?" whispered Ray as he threw off his clothing.
"How did you know that the jar contained the riddle to rid our land of the langlymips?"
Ray hesitated only a moment, then, with a sweet, sly smile, said, "A little birdie told me, my love." [Ray had realized at this point that some things are better left unsaid! Smart man!]
So Ray eagerly climbed in bed beside his true love and they lived happily ever after.
And far and away, in a parallel world, a man named Johnny Depp climbed into bed beside his true love (after tenderly kissing his sleeping child), and fell into the first nightmare-free slumber he had ever had in his life.
Amen and The End!
... ]
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