CHAPTER 3
NINE MONTHS LATER…
‘So your saying,’ said Louis, ‘it would be a bad idea to put ejector seats in helicopters.’
‘Exactly.’ James stretched the word with unnecessary emphasis.
‘Well, I’ll drink to that.’
And they did.
James throated his froth and wiped his mouth. ‘How are those time-sheets coming along Lou?’
‘Not bad.’ Replied Louis, feeling nicely plied with pints. He produced numerous documents from his case and perused them with one eye. ‘We’ve got our eight hours in for today and two hours overtime on top. Not bad, eh?’
‘Very good. What time is it?’
‘Three in the afternoon.’
‘Very good! A drink then, I think?’
‘Why not,’ smiled Louis, ‘a hard worker deserves his reward.’
James returned from the bar with two pints of the sacred nectar only to notice Louis sitting very, very, still, his work sheets held high in hand, and his eyes staring fixedly at the bottom of his seemingly empty briefcase.
‘What’s up?’ Asked James, as he took his seat.
Louis looked up at his friend and eyed him suspiciously.
‘What?’ sopranoed James, sensing accusation in the air.
‘You know what.’ Said Louis in the way only women do best, when certain that they have caught their fella up to no good.
‘What!’ James sopranoed even higher in the way men do best when worming their way out of awkward situations.
‘These!’ Louis reached into his case and pulled out two shiny, gold, foily things.
James viewed the golden slips with what appeared to be genuine puzzlement and then he looked at Louis and then back at the slips. ‘Is it true?’ he said. ‘Charlie, have you found the last two golden tickets? Are we going to Willy Wonka’s amazing chocolate factory?’
Louis gave a reluctant smile. ‘Very funny James.’ He handed over the golden foils.
James accepted them, and gave them a good looking at. They were indeed ticket shaped with black calligraphic writing embossed upon them, all swirly and fancy with tails and loops and swishes.
‘Hey there’s writing on these.’
Louis raised a cynical eyebrow.
‘One Magic Cinema Ticket.’ Read James. ‘It says it on the other one as well.’
Louis grinned sensing the obvious deception. ‘Look at you, I can tell you’re dying to laugh.’
James did laugh, ‘Why?’
‘What’s your plan, why did you put those in there?’
James continued to laugh, which only made him seem guiltier. ‘You’re joking; I haven’t put those in that. I wouldn’t go anywhere near that ugly 80’s throwback thing in a million years. Every time you open that case I expect you to pull out some Duran Duran song lyrics.’
The deadpan look on Louis’ face was evidence enough that he didn’t believe a word of it.
This made James laugh more. ‘I don’t even get the joke,’ he said, wafting the tickets around. ‘Magic cinema tickets, what’s it supposed to mean?’
‘You know,’ smirked Louis, ‘you’re taking the piss of that time when I tried to walk through the screen at my house.’
The cogs slowly turned inside James’ head. ‘Oh yeah,’ he said. ‘Hang on!’ The cogs were turning faster now, ‘It’s you. You’ve put them in there, haven’t you?’ He let out a sly whistle, ‘I’d forgotten all about “the screen incident”, you little double bluffer. What are you up to?’
Louis wagged his head. ‘I know you’ve put those tickets in this case and you know that I know that you have!’
‘No, no, you know that I know…’ That went on for some time.
After a lot of bickering and an astonishing amount of drinking, they both decided to go back to Louis’ house and watch a movie, each now grinning pathetically, encouraging the other to play out their childish prank.
The spare room was pretty much the same as it had been nine months ago, except for the addition of two comfy chairs that were suitably positioned by the back wall; facing the screen.
‘D’ya wanna whisky?’ Louis managed to ask.
‘Yeah…No, I’ll get the whisky, you’ll be needin’ to set the stuff up, won’t you?’ He gave a big cheeky wink (with both eyes).
‘Whatever you say ticket man. But hey!’ Said Louis, far too loudly, ‘I’m feelin’ a bit pissed, so make mine a big’n, not too much coke.’
James did the old gun-finger point coupled with an unintentional double wink and wondered off.
Louis fumbled with the apparatus; he was having a lot of trouble getting his eyes to focus in, even with one shut. He decided to close them both and that seemed to do the trick.
Downstairs, James was spilling a couple of drinks into two, or was it four glasses. ‘Humph.’ He said, ‘Next time that glass comes round I’m gonna get whisky in it.’
He finally managed it and then he made his way out of the kitchen and slumped back up the stairs.
‘Where’ve you been?’ Said Louis opening his eyes and squinting at James, ‘You’ve been gone ages.’
‘S’them glasses of yours, minds of their own.’ James was pointing off somewhere.
Louis closed his eyes again and made the last connection. ‘Right, Are you ready?’
James handed over a wet, sticky glass containing a dribble of liquid and flopped down into a chair. ‘Yep. Let’s do it.’
‘OK. What movie do you want?’
‘Ah, now I think that you will want to decide that, won’t you?’ A drunken grin spread over his face.
‘Alright then.’ Louis agreed with an over exaggerated nod, ‘If we’re going through, then we go through with the original plan, Back To The Future.’
James tried to look smug, ‘I knew you’d pick that.’
‘Tell you what,’ scowled Louis, ‘you pick something, anything you want.’
‘No, no, no,’ said James, head bobbing, hand raised, mouth dribbling slightly, ‘That’s fine, I’ll go with that.’
‘Yeah!’ Louis shouted as he thrust a pointed finger towards his wobbly friend, ‘Just what you wanted me to choose, eh?’
This went on for some time. It only stopped when they suddenly could not remember what they were arguing about and so the DVD was put into the player and was cued up to the beginning, ready to go.
‘Who’s got the tickets?’ asked Louis, holding them.
‘You.’ Said James, head still bobbing.
‘Right.’ He handed one to his bobbing buddy, ‘One for you and one for me.’
‘Thanks.’ Belched the bobber.
Louis treated his chin to a slug of whisky, ‘What now?’
James wasn’t listening, he was staring at, or was trying to stare at his ticket, ‘I thought these were gold.’ He slavered.
‘They are.’
James blinked, trying to clear his vision, ‘mine’s not, it’s sort of different colours. It keeps changing.’
‘Hey, look at the screen.’ Louis was rocking gently.
‘No, you look at your ticket.’
Louis glanced down at his ticket, with a gentle neck snap manoeuvre.
It was changing colour, or more like constantly shifting through the spectrum of colours.
James’ eyes were darting around the room searching for the hidden projector, or whatever it was that must be creating this illusion. His gaze met with the screen and then to its edges, they were glowing brightly, it looked like the screen was framed with some sort of golden light.
‘Go on then.’ Said Louis.
‘What?’
‘It’s your turn, I did it last time, you can bang your head this time.’
‘OK Lou. I’ll do it. I’ll make an arse of myself, but only cos’ I love you.’ (Yes, it had gotten to the ‘I love you’ stage). He rose very unsteadily to his feet and necked nothing, as there was nothing left in his glass. ‘Here I go then.’ And he shuffled off towards the screen.
Louis tried to point in the general direction of the shuffler, ‘there you go, you’re going.’
James reached the screen and leaned heavily against it, he slapped it with his hand, ‘Well, there you go.’
‘James.’ Slurred Louis.
‘What?’
‘You’re not at the screen, you’re just to the left of it.’
James pulled his head off the wall and looked at it, ‘Oh yeah.’ He pushed himself away from the wall and moved towards the centre of the screen only to fall right on to it banging his head hard.
Louis burst into a saliva-spraying laugh.
James managed to turn himself around and stood there giggling, rubbing his forehead, ‘You got me!’
‘Hang on,’ said Louis, ‘I haven’t pressed play yet.’
He did so.
The screen sunk into blackness.
From the darkness three tall white words came… STEVEN SPIELBERG PRESENTS…
James had slid down into a squatting position, still rubbing at his head. ‘I feel sick.’
A ROBERT ZEMECKIS FILM…
‘Is it still solid that screen?’ Louis hiccupped.
‘I think I’m going to be sick.’
Louis staggered his way over. ‘Come on then, let’s get you to the toilet.’
James flung out his hand for a lift up, Louis tried to grab it and missed. They went for another attempt but their arms were swooping and dancing around as if broken.
Eventually James managed to lurch himself up and cling on to as much of Louis as possible.
‘There we go, that wasn’t so-ooowhoaa!’ Louis screamed as James fell dragging the pair of them to the floor.
‘Ouch.’ Said a crushed James under the weight of his friend.
‘Now I feel sick.’ Said Louis.
‘OK. You can get off me now. There’s something sticking in my back.’
‘It’s not me.’ Chuckled Louis. He struggled up trying to find his balance and stumbled sideways crashing his head against the TV.
‘It’s a clock.’ Said James pulling the jabbing instrument from under his back.
‘In other news,’ said a blond haired woman from the TV screen, that had just blinked into life, ‘Officials at the Pacific Nuclear Research Facility have denied the rumour that a case of missing Plutonium was in fact stolen from their vault, two weeks ago.’
Louis stared wide mouthed at the lady newsreader, James stared in puzzlement at the figurine hanging onto the minute hand of the clock that he was holding.
Suddenly a loud buzzing noise snapped them out of their trances.
‘Can you smell burning toast?’ asked James a little vacantly.
Their attentions were drawn to the movement of a mechanical arm that had just picked up a can of dog food and was now swinging it round to an electrical can opener. They watched as the can was opened, the arm swung back again and emptied the contents of the container into an overfilled dog bowl. Then came the sound of a door opening. And then the sound of a voice. A very unmistakable voice.
‘Hey Doc…Doc… Anyone at home?’
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