• written by Brauds Staff Editor Scant

About two years ago, I decided to finance a couple thousand dollar Dell computer… what they didn’t tell me was how much it was going to cost with all of the hidden finance charges (I define as hidden is anything that wasn’t explained to me like a child).

When I tried to call last week to pay off the entire bill, I talked with more Arab speaking people than a reporter for Al-Jazeer television. And these people, who work in customer service, were yelling and screaming at me on the phone like I just dropped a missile on his cousin’s wedding. The end result was — I couldn’t pay my bill off ahead of time.

Now if our government has taught us anything in this past year, it’s the fact that if you’re not happy with something — invade it. So, I demand that our next target is Dell. If you don’t think there’s reason enough to leave Iraq and invade these pricks, here you go:

1. Weapons of Mass Destruction -- While we've pretty much proved Iraq is clean, we're not 100% sure about Dell. Anyone capable of customizing a computer and having it delivered the next business day is capable of fashioning a dirty bomb or two with ease.

2. Community Relations: Former Iraq leader Saddam Hussein was rumored to have burned citizens alive, tested chemical agents on domestic animals and torture sports athletes for not performing up to his standards. Dell has hidden finance charges. We'll call this one even.

3. Terrorist ties: While Iraq has been rumored to have funded several acts of terrorism which took the lives of tens of thousands of people; Dell customizes their computer parts so that if something breaks, you must replace it only with a Dell product — which is at a considerable markup over retail price. Time to invade!

When we invade this shithole in Texas, I want to see computer programmers piled up on top of each other while soldiers from small towns in Pennsylvania piss on overpriced computer equipment. Flat screen monitors should have Post-its with derogatory words written on them, and we should lock the sales reps up in their offices, cut off their internet access and delete solitaire.

Oh, and the girl who posed with the naked Iraqi soldiers is going to be the director of marketing for this war campaign. I want her to run a Sears Picture Studio in the basement of Dell where she can have employees pose in some funny scenes. I like that girl; she’s very creative and has an eye for photography.