Note: Idea stolen from Memento and an episode of The Outer Limits called “Zig Zag.”

So Far Off
Written by Sean Catlett

And it was a while before I thought of the perfect way of killing myself.

It turned out to be so simple I could have laughed out loud if I were still able to find humor in this world. If I could lie to myself for a few seconds.

But no.

I look up at the ceiling.

**********

All Shadow does is think about Maria.

That fucking bitch.

The thing about Shadow is that he can’t let things go. He doesn’t realize that everything that dies is eventually forgotten. He should join the crowd.

At first, that arrogant bravado and cocky attitude was what first attracted me to him.

But now it’s a flaw.

It’s weird how easily you get bored of what excites you after awhile. I guess that is why the world is so chaotic. Because as much as people deny it, change is a good thing.

Change keeps us active.

Now, nothing is ever any good for me. Nothing is a surprise.

I might as well end it now.

This is all justification to go through with my plan. I really don’t see a difference between a reason and an excuse. But oh well, it’s not like I’ve been paying attention anyway.

So, I start thinking of ways to do it.

I couldn’t fuck this up. This was my last chance to actually surprise myself. To be happy.

I sit up in Shadow’s bed in his apartment. The clock says that it’s four in the morning. I should sleep.

No. I need to do this before I change my mind.

I have one shot.

And it was a while before I thought of the perfect way of killing myself.

**********

So, it’s decided. Death is my only way out.

I haven’t been happy with my life for a long time. When I started working a for good cause, I thought I had found my happiness.

I didn’t. Working is just another thing to do in between sleeping and eating. And possibly fucking.

When I fell in love with Shadow, I thought I found the reason to live.

Nope.

I look over at his sleeping form. You’d think he’d be invisible in the dark, but no. He stands out, because he’s darker. The red parts of his fur look like blood when it’s this dark.

Love.

Fell in.

Shame.

My hands grip the bed sheets tighter.

It’s so easy to dislike something. Surprisingly easy. You hear something you hate and you get all kinds of images in your head.

And with sex it should be the opposite. But it’s not for me.

And it’s because of him.

He called me Maria. During sex. Right as his muscles clenched and he arched his back.

Could’ve been accidental, but… now that I think about it…

All Shadow does is think about Maria.

**********

It’s a couple hours later when I wake up, and I still feel the same way.

Hollow.

This has done no good whatsoever. In fact, it probably made everything worse.

I guess I was wrong when I said I had found the answer. I guess there isn’t one.

It’s one of those rhetorical questions.

So, what to do now…

Usually I would have options laid out for myself. My line of work should yield positive results…

Damn it.

Nothing. I’ve tried everything to be at least content.

Even love.

No, shut up. Don’t think about it. He probably doesn’t even feel the same way about me. It was probably a one night stand.

He’s an asshole anyway.

Think about what happened, what he called you. How he didn’t even apologize afterwards.

Keep it in mind.

Anger. Heat.

He deserves something horrible to happen to him.

Something bad.

Now, I’ve always thought that killing someone for revenge was stupid, because what good is vengeance if they’re not going to suffer? Sure, it would be satisfying to know that they could never enjoy life, but they themselves would not suffer because of this.

What to do, what to do…

I wonder what it would be like to know that you drove someone to commit suicide. To end their lives because of something you either said or did. The anguish of realizing you killed someone without trying to.

True suffering.

I smile in the dark.

So, it’s decided. Death is my only way out.

**********

He rolls over to go to sleep and I’m still at his feet, staring at him in shock.

He did, he really did. I didn’t hear wrong at all.

I swallow a couple more times. To make sure it’s down. The sour taste in my mouth suddenly seems a whole lot more sour.

I keep looking at Shadow in the dark. I see his eyelids close over his eyes slightly, and then all the way. He looks tired, beaten down over the ordeal of the day.

Or maybe he just doesn’t want to look at me anymore.

I crawl from the foot of the bed next to Shadow as quietly and gently as I can. I slide under the cold covers.

This isn’t right.

This isn’t right.

This isn’t right.

This…

Isn’t…

Right…

Or at least it doesn’t feel like it’s right.

This was supposed to be uplifting. I was supposed to feel better about everything.

But all I feel is empty. I didn’t get any enjoyment out of this.

Well, now what?

Now…

Maybe it takes a while to work. Possibly delayed reaction time.

Or I just need some fucking sleep.

I put my head down on the pillow and close my eyes. This is the time I always thought that the world was at its best, because I couldn’t see anything.

So here I would find myself, or at least try to.

I had always found the darkness more comforting than the light.

Soon, I drift into sleep.

It’s a couple hours later when I wake up, and I still feel the same way.

**********

So, am I really ready to go all the way? With someone I hardly know?

I don’t know.

It’s something about going too fast.

We hold each other in our arms, staring in each other’s eyes. If this was broadcast over radio or TV waves in God’s escapist heaven, the audience would say ‘Aw, how cute, they love each other,’ but in real life this is fucking with my head so bad.

Promise me something guys: never look deeply into the eyes of the person you’re fucking or about to fuck. It’s not a turn on at all.

Of course, this is just me. Every person is different.

Shadow smiles at me without breaking eye contact. His teeth are so white it almost blinds me. I lower my eyes.

I move my head lower.

You can all use your imaginations.

I am dimly aware that Shadow takes deep quick breaths as I hold the soft hard dick in my mouth. He puts his hands on my head. Typical.

The pull out method can work if you do it right. It’s all about knowing about the process of ejaculation. Research.

There’s a muscle that you can voluntarily flex to keep piss from exiting. Guys think this can work with cum, too. During sex or masturbation, they clench this muscle to keep from losing it all too quickly.

This is the theory.

Ever hear of pre-cum, guys? This is why the pull out method doesn’t work.

The trick is you have to pull out before you clench this muscle. The muscle flexing causing a sort of suction from the vas deferens and a small squirt of semen breaks free. If you never flex this muscle you can last longer.

So I’ve heard.

You see, there is what is known, what is acceptable in society, and then there is the wrong.

The distasteful.

The shameful.

My hands grip the bed sheets tighter. The sweat is so thick that I’m swimming in it.

Sex is taboo already. Different sex is worse. Especially if it’s connected to a stereotype.

Shit, man, violence is more acceptable than sex is.

Hell, swear words are.

Just as long as nobody sees a vagina, or a breast, or an ass, or whatever, the world is not corrupted.

And yet, we couldn’t be here without sex.

Normal sex, anyway.

With different sex, it’s just so you can think clearly.

If you’re ever confused or not thinking straight, just take it back to your instincts, your primal nature.

The so called “True Self.”

You have choices.

Sleep.

Eat.

Kill something.

Fuck something.

Do these and you may get some actual work done. Like fixing that creak in the bed.

So simplistic were things back then, back when you didn’t have to worry about labels or titles or morals.

Where in the end, it boiled down to who was the stronger person.

Darwinism.

Where it was who was stronger who survived. Where it didn’t matter that you couldn’t read just as long as you could kill the person who tried to steal your hunk of meat.

Where in the end it was the bigger stick that prevailed.

Funny how it all shows itself in the present.

Me holding Shadow’s now hard cock in my mouth, so to put it, some people would want to blow my brains out. Kick my head in.

Don’t you want to put a bullet in my fucking head, right between the eyes?

You do. Don’t lie.

It’s okay. I can deal.

You can picture someone’s private life, and that person is always perfect in your mind. Not once does handicapped or retarded or dyslexic or lesbian come to your mind.

I guess this is why it’s such a shock.

To find out.

That is.

Shadow is starting to squirm more and more.

You know what this means.

I was starting to gag. It was in the back of my throat.

Shadow arches his back and he clenches his muscles, inside and out. He screams… not my name.

And I gulp big, mostly from the shock of hearing him say not my name.

Maria.

I look up at him from the foot of the bed. He’s staring at me, with this look… this semi-apologetic look.

He rolls over to go to sleep and I’m still at his feet, staring at him in shock.

**********

Because. Period.

I’m here because I want to know what it’s like to be normal. I want to be just like everyone else, average. Not extraordinary, not famous, not known.

In other words, content.

We walk together hand and hand across the meaningless and intangible town.

Shadow’s apartment is a ramshackle broken down shack with four walls and a ceiling. It may as well have been a dog house.

It will have to do.

No words are spoken. We go right to the bedroom.

This is where you hear of the many tales of keeping our lips in contact, never breaking. Tongues doing shit.

Kissing moves deeper to fondling.

Fondling moves deeper to heavy finger penetration.

This was better than television.

Was, mind you.

Then, it stops. Suddenly and quietly. An atom bomb without sound. In space.

It’s doubt talking. It’s about whether I really want this or not.

So, am I really ready to go all the way? With someone I hardly know?

**********

So, why am I doing this?

First, clear your mind of everything. All precognitions. Everything you think you know about everything.

Only then can you begin to understand what I’m going through.

Or just hide your face in shame. It doesn’t matter to me.

Goose steps.

Baby steps.

Take a picture.

Write a story.

Whatever.

Together.

It wouldn’t be that bad if this weren’t so unusual. You don’t see this kind of thing every day.

And it’s not like we’re showing off. It’s just an outward display of affection. You can see worse in the park or in a supermarket and it wouldn’t bother you.

If you were used to it, that is.

But you’re not.

I can feel your looks.

And I can act like it doesn’t bother me, but it does.

You see, my parents killed themselves, in front of me no less, or maybe a little, and I don’t want the same fucking thing to happen to me. And I’ve tried everything to prevent myself from slipping.

Except this.

I can still hear it. The blast from the shotgun splattered the brains of both my beloved mom and dad across the entire room. It reached the ceiling and was dripping off of it when I walked in to find them like this.

I was five years old and it’s the only thing I can remember from my childhood.

You know what they say: the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree.

So I grab Shadow by his head and I kiss him full on the lips. In front of everyone.

Yes. Maybe.

Without me knowing, we start walking away from the gasping, unsuspecting crowd. We don’t break contact.

Why?

Because. Period.

**********

The next morning, Shadow woke up to see Sonic’s body hanging from a makeshift rope tied from the ceiling…

It was the first and last time Shadow had ever seen him smile so deeply.

The teeth were glowing in the dark.

The End.