I was in a bind. What the hell was going on, after all. After waking up at Amy’s I decided to go for a drive. Amy freaks me out. I can’t act the way I want to in front of her. When I’m alone and sated, it’s fine, I can think for myself. Maybe I can’t. I can only think when I’m tired. I first wake up and I’m on automatic the entire day. Seems I function only when I know that I’m about to deactivate.
Knuckles, weird thing he is, decided long ago to leave the hero stuff up to me and pursue more criminal endeavors in the underworld. Mind you he pretty much does the same thing he used to, only now he has money. I’ve always liked him but he’s more or less an alternative for Tails. Whenever I’d see too much of the kid I’d see the creature and laugh at his forced antics. Since Tails is dead I guess he’ll have to be promoted to permanent sidekick position. A combination comedic relief and friend bucket.
“Mind if I call you Tails from now on?”
“Shut up fatty, and get in.”
Knux, reduced to a nickname, double-clicks his car out of lock. We get in and take off, ignoring the obvious. The city rolls by on a pair of roller-blades.
“Bitches be crazy, yeah?”
“I told Amy no again. Of course. Can’t handle a relationship right now or ever, ya know?”
“Why? I don’t see you chasing tail or sport fucking. Why keep it open, nigga?”
“The ability to stick your dick in something doesn’t make you a man.”
“It… doesn’t?”
“Well technically-”
“What’s this I hear about Robotnik releasing robots on the innocent? I thought you defeated him.”
“I did.”
“Great job, fuckwit.”
“My ass great job. I tried to quit it yesterday but you know what sensibilities say: find the replacement first.”
“Dummy. Just because you say something doesn’t set it in stone. Even stone is destructible.”
“Pshaw. You ever try punching stone?”
“This isn’t going to be one of those philosophical conversations, is it? It seems that’s all I have these days. Dawg.”
“No, no, nothing like that. By the way, you feeling weird?”
“Let’s see… no.”
“Shortness of breath? Blood aching to escape? Guts pouring out of your face?”
“You can see my face from here, white boy.”
I don’t know what he means. What does he mean? Crap. “What I see is of no consequence to you or me or anyone. Take it at face value. Any idea what the difference is between poetic justice and irony? What about the difference between a cinematographer and a director of photography? Can’t answer these questions correctly with one word, can you? Shit shower shave sleep, why do they all start with an s?”
“Your name starts with an s too, dude.”
“SEE?! IT’S ALL FALLING APART! How can the world maintain on such meager food? Life is a terrible thing! The facts point to it! Admit it! The facts!”
“Okay, this is what I was talking about. Shut up!” The car comes to a halt somewhere.
“S’s fucking like rabbits, multiplying, DOP DOP DOP-” I think I’m foaming at the mouth. Knuckles slaps me across the face sharply, snapping me back to the nightmare. Everything is suddenly all okay.
“Let’s investigate this place, fatty.”
“Why shure, Knux old pal. This will surely take my mind off of Robotnik’s death and Tails’ murder, as well as other various things that are happening at this point in time in my life.”
“Don’t overdo it.”
“Sorry. Just don’t hit me again.”
The idea being that we’re two star-crossed friends that reunite on a single case, that we’re looking for the same thing. Okay, that seems reasonable, but what? Let’s say I can’t stop the robots no matter how hard I try so I need something to help me. Knuckles likes gems, collects them like history in an argument. Maybe we’re after a gem. A gem with a ridiculous name that’s equally ridiculous to get. We meet all kinds of interesting characters along the way and in the end I learn that not everything is what it seems. Super, yes? Knuckles will let me use the gem to kill all the robots and I’ll give it to him after I’m done. And what does it do? Who cares. I have to get it, and I have to hurt people to do it, because hurting people is awesome as long as I’m the good guy. And I am, despite probably killing Tails. Wow, that’d be a good twist. I was the bad guy all along.
Me and Knuckles get out of the car. We can hear the ocean nearby, water being bombarded with seagull shit, drug deals going on. We’re in front of an apartment. He leans against the car, lighting a screaming homosexual, or a cigarette, and watches me knock on the door.
“YEAH?!” comes this big burly voice from inside. Great. I’ve seen this before.
“Girl scout cookies,” I say, also lighting up. Dude, I am so noir.
“I’ll turn you into a cookie.”
The clever coat-wearing bastard I am, I kick the door in and this big ape falls on his ass. I walk in casually over the falling splinters of wood, into the apartment. Some nerdy fucker with glasses gets all huffy and puffy but I throw the light into his face and he clams up. The ape is on his feet and they’re both ready to kick some ass.
“Nice clandestine operation you got here, Joe Young. The grammar school pornography market is unconquered.”
“Hey my name ain’t Joe Young! Can I waste this guy, Chris?”
The little cum suirt eyes me. “Nah. Naw. He’s a dick.”
“That ain’t nice.”
“I mean a PI.”
“Looks like a dick to me, Chris.”
“Hey, listen to the kid ya big palooka.”
“This clown is asking for a pounding. Can I, Chris? Please?”
“No, Big. We don’t want no more dicks on us. You know who this is? Sonic. Sonic! Blue hedgehog Sonic. He’s the fastest thing alive, they say.”
“He’s gonna be the fastest thing to die if he don’t stop fucking with me.”
“All right, pal, keep yer shirt on-”
“Don’t sass me, dick!”
“Ain’t nobody sassing you, pal.”
“And stop callin’ me pal!”
“He don’t like to be called pal, Mr. hedgehog.”
“All right, let’s not get racial here. The name is Sonic, yes, and I’m just here to ask some questions, that’s all.”
“Listen here, I don’t like being patronized neither.”
“Don’t like much, do you?”
“I’ll like wringing your neck if you don’t get to the point. I’m a busy man.”
“I ain’t disputing your busy-ness.”
“My business?”
“BUSY-ness.”
“We speak English here, runt. How bout you start speakin it?”
“Right, okay. I just want some information.”
“Well I ain’t talkin to no dick.”
“Then what am I doing here?”
“Getting on my nerves, that’s what.”
“No one’s tramplin on your nerves, pal.”
“Hey! What did I say about that?!”
“Whoops.”
“I said you call me pal one more time I’ll stomp your lights into your guts!”
“He don’t like to be called pal.”
“Well I don’t like being called dick.”
“I don’t give a good goddamn ass what you like!”
“I just want to ask some questions!”
“So ask em.”
“… Um…”
“Well?! Spit it out!”
“… Why am I here again?”
“Asking for a stomping is what.”
Something ridiculous… something ridiculous… ah! “What do you know about the Mysterious Moon Ruby?”
“I ain’t talkin to no dick!”
This is going nowhere.
Me and Knuckles drive back across town. And I’m angry. “What the hell was that all about?”
“Got me. Hey, lookat dem bitties. SUP BABY! WANNA FUCK?!”
“Drop dead, creep!”
“I think I’m in love. Anyway, what?”
“What the hell is a Mysterious Moon Ruby?”
He shrugs. “Got me. Is that what we’re looking for?”
“Er, well-”
“So it is?”
“I-”
“All right, let’s go find it then!”
Goddammit.
We end up searching five churches. All come up empty.
“Holy Bible, eh? Must be kinda hole-y.”
“Ha. More like the “Helly” Bible, eh?”
“… Okay, you went too far.”
Time doesn’t want to pass but oh well. In the course of a day, we get approximately nothing whatsoever accomplished. Most people would search more than churches, but then again, I hate most people.
Knuckles ends up dropping me off in a nice neighborhood around these unrecognizable apartment flats.
“Here ya go.”
“Great. Where are we?”
“Home, dummy. And remember. Make sure you’re a leader. If you’re a follower then you’re just inviting smart-ass remarks, people figuring out your plan before you reveal it. See ya!”
The car turns into a trail of dust and exits, stage left, into the sunset, screaming and bellowing like a drunk demon. Home. Home. Where I live. I thought I lived with Tails. I guess not. This is good. I don’t have to stay with Amy and watch her die later in the story, and I don’t have to resist making love to her. Ooo! And I can hole up here for a week or month until this all blows over. Food? Pah. If only I remembered which room I was in…
And I do! Good old room 20, a hop from the ground and a leap to the stars! At least on the brochure. Nice knobs. Nice knocker. Nice peephole. I’ll really like it h-
“GGRAHHHH!”
What I was so afraid of finally happens. I thought that Big palooka was going to kick my ass, and then he didn’t. Just a lot of talk. He didn’t do shit. But no way I can make it through this thing unscathed. This is the part of the fic where I get my ass kicked. Bad. The guy throws me across the room, slams my head through the footboard of my bed, uses a huge weight to break my right hand, and kicks me in the chin numerous times. The first of Robotnik’s robots mops the floor with my face. It’s hard to resist the rage I feel but I have to get through this. I have… to get through this.
