Today I had an epiphany. Yes, like the Bad Religion song. It seems that, in my brain, it is much easier to think in script form. I had a dream that everything was written down in the simplest of formats. It was scary, and I cried. I feel this intense fear creeping into my days, spilling into my activities, effecting my brain, my writing. So, I have decided to change my style, indefinitely. No longer will I be forced to describe a room down to every miniscule detail. No longer will I have to worry about vocabulary, or spacing, or quotation marks. No longer will I have to proofread lines upon lines of words upon words, searching for typos, because I always end up missing them. This will be so much easier. I can churn out works every day, now! And they will all be PG-13 to G, so people will see them, and read how creative and original I am, because NO ONE ON EARTH has ever thought of doing interview fics before. In script form, no less! Here I go, wish me luck, and I’ll see you on the other side . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Whoa . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
SONIC AND FRIENDS CRAZY INTERVIEW!!!!!!!!
PART ONE OF TEN HUNDRED THOUSAND OTHERS THAT ARE EXACTLY ALIKE.
Written by Me Me me me that one guy me Sean Catlett!!!! As If you couldn’t tell from the pen name!!!
Subliminal Message: Read Latifa27’s, Rex Killiante’s, Stephen Zacharus’, The Tears of a Mad Man’s, David Macintyre’s, and Danse Macabre’s fics. They gave me positive reviews once so I agreed to plug them, but I won’t do it anymore unless they review 20 more times!!!!! This message was subliminal.
Interviewer: WEEEEEEEE!!!! Sorry, folks, for the caps. I’m just so exited about my interview!! WHEEEEEEEEEE. *AHEM* Calming down, calming down. Better. Ok. As I was saying, fellow citizens, I am reforming myself to become a more prominent writer in our time, in order to better identify with the public, and today’s youth. So, what was the one thing that people submit the most?
*Silence*
Interviewer: Exactly! Humor fics! More specifically, script humor fics! Even more specifically, script humor INTERVIEW fics! Fuck ye………..oh, whoops, I mean, hell yes! Gotta keep the rating up. Dang, now I’m down to PG. (Hey, if the movie Ghost can get away with it, then I can too.) LOOK. PARENTHESIS!! I WASN’T ABLE TO USE THOSE BEFORE!! IS THERE NO END TO THE WONDER?!!!!
*The Interviewer, which is essentially the author, walks across the stage*
Interviewer: Our first guest . . . . .you know what? I get tired of writing Interviewer Interviewer Interviewer over and over, so I’ll just abbreviate.
IV
IV: Perfect! Now, on to the inter……thing. I have Knuckles in the studio today. *sits down* Hehehe, marvelous. *looks around* Hmmm, it Knuckles is not in the interv…….the chair right now, but I am sure he will arrive in some kind of funny way that will surely make the audience laugh!
*Nothing happens. Really.*
IV: *Coughs nervously* Well . . . . . . . ummmm . . . . . . I guess I can pass the time by going over my list of questions. *Picks up list out of nowhere* Now, since you are mindless morons, and are accepting little description as storytelling, I
*Lightning strikes*
IV: Sorry. Moving on . . . . . . . Here I have a list of many questions form real fans of the Sonic crew, questions that I certainly did NOT make up. Uh uh. No way. These are REAL, repeat, REAL questions. Really.
*IV/Author looks around for something to do*
IV: Ok, here’s how it works. I ask each character that comes in 5 questions . . . . .
*A giant board with flashing yellow dots comes down from the ceiling, brandishing a big 5*
IV: And after I am done with that one person, a new one comes out and I continue. *looks up* HEY!! I described that board a little!! No more of that!!
*Author nods*
IV: Wow, this is just the best! I can misspell thigns however I wish and no one will bother me. Soni teh hathog is the coolest!!!~!11!!!! . . . . ^_0 . . . . . . (and what in the name of Vincent Valentine is that?!! A face or something?!!! This = rulz) Mwahahahahaha.
*He laughs. Heartily. If I go into any more description I may lose my audience.*
IV: Cool, ok, then, after everyone has come out, I move into free range mode, like in Starfox 64, and ask whatever I please. First, before Knuckles comes in, I regret to inform you all that Sonic will not be joining us today . . . . . . because . . . . . . he’s . . . . . sick, or something. *coughs*
*There is silence for a long, long time. The IV coughs and shrugs in his nameless, colorless, description-less environment. Finally, before the audience gets too bored and the A.D.D. kicks in, Knuckles is pushed into the room.*
IV: Hey Knuckles have a seat!!!!!! *on the brink of orgasm*
Knuckles: *sits down, sips coffee*
IV: I just have a few questions, mind answering them?
Knuckles: Ask away.
IV: Ok, sure, fine. First question . . . . . Why are you so coool?!!!!!!
Knuckles: . . . . . . ?
IV: Never mind, kidding. The real question is . . . . . Ummmm . . . . *reading from list of questions* “What do you use in your . . . . . . . . . . . . . hair . . . . . . . . . . ?”
Knuckles: The only thing available. Ever seen There’s Something About Mary?
IV: Ummmm no, I’m not one for romantic dramas. *sighs* I’m so sorry about that last one. I am not responsible for the content of these questions. I’ll try to find a better one. Next question! *reads* “Ummmm . . . . . .what is your favorite . . . . . color . . . .” ?
Knuckles: *deadpan* . . . . . . Red.
IV: Ummm . . . . . wow . . . . . . ok . . . . . . .
*They stare at each other awkwardly, before IV finally looks back down at the list.*
IV: Oh god, there’s ten more of these!!! Shit! Ooooops, I mean . . . . . . . . aw man!!!! We just went down to PG-13 (hey, if Behind Enemy Lines can get away with it, then so can I). *to Knuckles* As a warning, please keep the language down. Right, ok, so, . . . . . . . . .
Knuckles: *looking at watch* Ask away.
IV: *reads, cringes slightly* . . . . . . . . . “How . . . . . . are you”?
Knuckles: Fine.
IV: How many lame questions are there?!!! Do these people have some sort of brain defect that impairs them from coherent thought?!!! I mean, how dumb can you get?!!!
Knuckles: *snorts*
IV: *looks at question board, sees the number is one lower* No, that last one didn’t count.
*the board stays*
IV: NO! That wasn’t a question!!!! It didn’t count!!! *on the verge of breakdown* Can’t you be serious for once?!!!
Knuckles: Never.
*the board DING!s*
IV: *staring, disbelieving* . . . . . . . . . . Well, thank god that’s over. *smiles like nothing happened* My next guest is Tails . . . . . . . something. I think it’s Hedgehog. Anyway, come on out.
*Tails walks from offstage, strutting, but indifferent. Knuckles moves over one chair and Tails sits down next to the desk.*
IV: Hi Tails, first of all, you know you’re pretty effeminate, right?
*Tails stares at the author dumbfounded. Knuckles is on the edge of bursting out laughing.*
IV: Just kidding. But seriously, *leans forward, interested* What do you think of all the fan sites dedicated to your supple, small childlike boyish body?
Tails: *Looking dumb-fucked and gay* What?
Knuckles: I just love them.
Tails: *Anime eyes* I . . . . . um, gay . . . . . you mean, but, no, I am not . . . . . .um . . . . . I SWEAR! I DIDNT MEAN TO POST MY PICS ALL OVER THE INTERNET!!! *breaks down, heads in his hands*
IV: *waving it off* It's ok, it's ok. That one was actually mine, but next question. *reads list* “How . . . . . . . . old. . . . . .are you”?
Tails: Age? I don’t know, really . . . I think I’m 8, but I like to drink beer, and my IQ is WAY over Sonic’s, so I don’t know for sure - but most pics of me features just my, small, childish, supple, boyish body, but yeah . . . . . . . like I said, I don’t know.
IV: God, these fans . . . . . . *Fuming, reading the list, reluctantly reads the next question* “If you could be any tree, what tree would you . . . . be”?
Tails: A tree!? O_O. Umm, are you are dumb-fucked, or something? I don’t even like trees! Damned be the fans. *Looking angry*
IV: God…..fu………shi……Hmmmm………..Tails, whatisitliketobeasidekick?
Tails: Uhh, *starts counting* I get money, bitches, drugs, fan-works, websites, and cash, so I think it’s kinda cool to be a sidekick.
IV: Wow. I need to find a new line of work. Writing isn’t working out. *beat* Anyway *sighs* next question. *starts reading from the list* Ummm . . . . . . No, no, no, no . . . . . .stupid, retarded, . . . . . . . You won’t live to be six . . . . .OH! Ok, ummm . . . . . . . No, that’s stupid. Oh, screw this. Why are you two here?!!!
Knuckles: Huh?
Tails: Because . . . . *Looking dumb* All the people in the world are making stupid ask-fics about us, and killing fanfiction.net, so we figured that we should be in an anti-ask-fic . . . .
IV: Ok, shut up. Next, coming up, is everyone’s favorite sex vixen . . . . . . is that right? Yeah, it is. Anyway, come on out Rouge!!!!!!
*Rouge walks out, sits down after Tails and Knuckles move over a seat, indifferently watching her. The author stares at everything but her face.*
Announcer: We’ll be back in just a moment!
Author/IV: What?!! I didn’t write him in. I wanna get to the seeexxxxx viiixxxxennnnn *whining*
*The scene changes to a small, description-less room. A small child of about 10 or 11 sits in a chair, teenage angst overflowing*
Announcer: Excuse me, young man, what do you think of Rouge the Bat?
Teenager (sort of): I think she’s TOTALLY HOT! LOL! I’d take a stab at that, no doubt! Knuckles totally doesn’t deserve her. He can (bleep) die and eat (bleep) before I (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) and (bleep) (bleep) stick it in his (bleep) (bleep) and twist it around a bunch load! (bleep)
Announcer: Well okay! Do you have a question for any of our crew?
Teenager (sort of): Yeth thir. *glares* Sonic, WHY THE HELL WON’T YOU GET WITH AMY, YOU KNOW< GET WITH HER” YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN HUH HUH? YOU KNOW? MILDLY SUGGESTIVE< YA KNOW? HOLDING DOWN THE SHIFT KEY< DUH? I’d stab that.
Suddenly, the author runs in with an axe and brings it down on the boy’s head over and over again. Monkeytaco sits off to the side, laughing his ass off. The violence is not described because of the rating.
IV/Author: Stop using CAPS, you little bastard!! *goes berserk Evangelion/Patrick Bateman/Trent Reznor style on the “poor” “child”.*
*Axe goes down a lot more for about 10 minutes before the Author finally stops, looking innocent at the screen, desperately thinking of a way to have this violence in the story without bringing the rating down.*
IV/Author: Er . . . . . He had no father, you see, so what I said was true . . . . . . . . and ummm . . . . . You see . . . . . . in Antarctica, children of 10 or 11 years of age are brutally murdered with an axe every ten seconds. *pause* I hope this . . . . . . . . infomercial . . . . . . has done its purpose to better inform the . . . . . . . public. And . . . . . be sure to . . . . . . . burn all axes. Or children with no fathers. *looks left to right really fast, runs off frame*
Announcer (Monkeytaco): *singing* Read my stories, BLING! . . . . . . . Back to our regularly scheduled crap.
*Back in the interview room thingie. Tails and Knuckles are asleep. Sean, er, I mean, IV puts Axe behind the desk and changes his shirt. Rouge wears a sign that says “stereotypical Rouge.” IV slicks back his hair and smiles at her.*
IV: *shuffles papers, tries to look cool* So . . . . *reads first question he sees* First of all . . . . . . “Who is cooler, Knuckles or . . . . . Rouge” ? Oops, sorry. *composes self* Anyway, what is your favorite color?
Rouge: Favorite color?
IV: Yes, honey.
Rouge: I guess that'd be violet.
IV: Hmm. Fascinating. Why Blue? Er, I mean, why Violet?
Rouge: Something about it really turns me on.
IV: . . . . You know, I have these violet undergarments that you'd really, really love.........
Rouge: Really? *leans forward, smiling seductively…………really?!!! Holy shit!!!*
IV: *caught off guard* Yeah, I do *also leans forward*
*A moment of silence. Knuckles and Tails cough. How they‘re awake now, I have no idea.*
IV: Uh............. AHEM!!!! *leans back* ANYWAY!
*Sea . . . . I mean, the author, doesn’t look at the list*
IV: Are you having a good time?
Rouge: That depends, my friend. *smiles*
IV: . . . . . . .*sweats and giggles like a little girl* Yes . . . yes, well . . . . . . last question, toots..........
Rouge: Ok.
IV: Ok, can I have your number?
Rouge: I don't think so. *winks*
IV: *features sink* But. . . . . . . . .
Announcer (MonkeyTaco): *again* We’ll be back in a short moment!!
IV: Oh for f*ck’s sake! *fades out* *censors self*
*Fade up. A review page. At first, there is silence. Then . . . . . .*
SHDAOW’S LOVR69^_^LOL: SHADOW I LOVE YOU KILL SONIC!
Theimpurebeingofdoom: there wasn’t enough blood. make more blood.
Irightbetterthan u: How come there was no yiffin?!!! I WANT’S MY YIFFINS!! NOW!! Hurry, before my penis goes limp.
Rouge has boobies: HOW DARE YOU KILL OFF ROUGUE?!!! HOW DAR EYOU BE HUMAN!!!?I cry, tehn kill u in a stroy of myne.
IMAIDI0t: Bla bla bla bla bla lee7 too lazy to type it all out or learn it. F00k U!!!!
Testoteronesnotgaynowaynohow: I feel threatened by that fic!! Gay people are icky! Do it again and I’ll flame you under 200 different anonymous reviews! Ummm . . . . . I mean . . . . . my “friends will” . . . . . . *kills you with a giant 1252476348967239076 carbine automatic semi truck pulled out of his……..my ass. Your blood goes everywhere. Really. I’m sure this will stop you.*
2Youg2car: I didn’t read this. It wasnt pg13. Despite that, have Sonic kiss Shadow in the insides of his oral cavity.
Proudtw0bvirgin: U shuld of told more uf Rogue’s vagina. Im repressed. Wuzzat mean?
Announcer (Monkeytaco): Hear that? That’s the sound ffnet’s server crashing. Sounds a lot like children crying, doesn’t it?
*Fade to black*
*fade back up to IV, whose eyes are bloodshot and twitching*
IV: OH FUCK THIS!!!!!
Are you people fucking morons?!!! Am I missing something here?! I’m serious, what is up with all of theses “Ask your favorite super heroes how long their cocks are. The author plays all of them, and you eat it up. You love it.” fics. What the shit?! Is this what entertainment has been reduced to? Do you find this funny? Why has their been a mass orgasm of humor fics on fanfiction.net? Run out of ideas? Too many drugs being introduced into the system? I mean, come on. There has to be a limit here. I see a shit-loads of them, littered everywhere like confetti in New York after a gay pride parade. You can’t go a single page without running into at least one. Aren’t ask-fics just a cheap way to get reviews? A cop-out? All they do is pander to our cherished childhood memories. “Sonic’s here?!!! Oh cool!!” No, it’s not Sonic, stupid shits. “Hey, wanna ask Sonic a question?” NO, YOU FUCKING FREAKS!!!! IT’S NOT SONIC!!! IT’S THE AUTHOR ASKING FOR REVIEWS LIKE A BITCH!!! And you would think that the questions would at least be halfway intelligent, something asked that’s been bothering the viewer/reader for years, a thought-provoking, interesting query. But no. I see shit like, “Why are you so cool?!!!” and “Can I kiss you?” and “If I had on a monkey suit, spinning giant golden spikes on a chain, had an invincibility code, full magic, twenty Chaos Emeralds, and a giant spoon, would you still kick my ass?” It boggles the mind. What’s worse is that authors threaten to hurt themselves in some way if they don’t get a lot of reviews. “Pweeze review, it makes mwy wife compwete.” As if they have a quota to make, and if they miss it, they have to kill themselves. I say, good riddance. If you can’t handle rejection, then you’re the poster child for abortion. Leave. Go away. No one will miss you. Especially if you can’t put together a coherent sentence. Fuck, I see stories with titles that have twenty exclamation points. I see summaries that tell how much the author sucks at making summaries. I see desperate pleas for acceptance. I see stories that go like this:
“Hey Sonikku, lets kill eggman
“K.”
They do.
He’s dead!”
ROFL.
WHAT THE FUCK IS ROFL?!!!! THAT’S NOT A WORD!!!!
Or this:
Rouge caught up with Tails and said, “Why don’t you love me?”
Tails stopped running and shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Well, I love you.”
“Me too. Let’s get married.”
End of chapter one.
Should they get married? You decide. Also, any questions you have, have to be put on the review page, or I’ll kill myself with a nail gun. R&R!! (also, more sex in the next chapter, you dumb fucking morons
FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU ALL! OPEN YOUR EYES!! Oh, I swear to Christ, I’m getting all uptight over something that shouldn’t even matter, but it does! It does, damn you! If ffnet doesn’t have quality control, then it’s up to you! Don’t post stupid, utterly inane shit! Don’t follow an assembly line! Don’t stay on the bandwagon! You are not all the same! You have a voice! You have a brain! You have a fucking life!
*coughs*
IV: Oh shit. Uhhhh . . . . . . . *suddenly points in a random direction* HEY LOOK EVERYONE!! BOOBS!!!!!
*The interviewer runs out of the room in the confusion, putting on a Sonic costume. Everyone stares at Rouge.*
Rouge: What?
*Hooray for Me by Bad Religion plays*
The End
What should happen next? You decide! Oh no, wait, I don’t give a shit what you think. Fuck you.
Now review or I’ll kill myself.
