Sonic the hedgehog has no dick.

the super hero game is simply this: exaggeration. hearsay. rumors, of rumors of rumors of rumors. delusions. fantasy. false hope.

word got around that Sonic could fuck as fast as he could run, that once he had set a woman on fire by pumping her so hard, the friction burning through her fragile form. the word was that his semen was like gasoline, only fueling the flames. sweat, tears, they didn’t quench shit. Sonic pulled himself off of a pile of ashes, spent and happy and breathless. it was all a joke, of course. fun and games.

bullshit.

word got around that Sonic was really a sensitive guy, but he’d still give you a hard ride if you wanted it. they say now that Sonic has a sixteen incher and starts with foreplay, lightly kissing your neck and tits, nipples, clitoris, eyes, very romantic, and then it gets even more urgent, his throbbing dick thrust inside, so big that it hits all nerves from all sides, he barely has to move and you still feel it, and just before you cum, just before you spurt your fluid all over his huge cock, screaming and moaning, you actually see the universe, all the splendor, and god shows himself before you, and he’s applauding. Sonic, he fucked you good, with finesse, just like he was supposed to. he’s never too quick on the draw, he only finishes right as you do, emptying his DNA boiling hot inside, mixing with yours. it feels so good, and afterwards, there are no lies, there is no bullshit. if you want him to leave, he will, and if you want to talk, he’ll stay, and he’ll listen. he’ll even say that he loves you, and he’ll give you another fuck if you want it. he’s a caring and loving individual.

bullshit.

it’s all bullshit.

the mill is always churning, coming up with something interesting to hold the attention of the mass of onlookers. Sonic is woman. Sonic has a nice ass. Sonic has big muscles and a smile that shines like a white sun. Sonic’s skin is smooth with grease, but not greasy. i can tell you right now, none of it is true, although common sense should have told you this long ago.

Sonic the hedgehog has no dick, so he can’t be good in bed. he doesn’t have a nice ass, because it’s small and there’s nothing to grab on to but bone. he has a gut that sticks out inches past his face. sorry, but that’s the truth, a first hand source. don’t take it personally, though. this happens to everyone. hell, even Tails gets two dicks, and the newest word is that he can twirl them just like his tails, and that Sonic loves sitting on top of both of them like a bar stool.

“This one gave me a little trouble.”

“Is she dead?”

bullshit.

i made them all up. every single one of them.

“Not yet. But it might be wise of you to fuck her before she does, unless…”

“No! Of course not! Fuck no.”

“Then get on top.”

Tails doesn’t have two dicks. of course not. he’s just like Sonic. apparently a fucking amoeba. asexual piece of shit. freak.

“Where the fuck did you find this fish? The docks?”

“Yeah. That’s where the fish are, right?”

i get first and second hand experience. Sonic tries to fuck me himself, and Tails uses dildos on me. i can never see him, of course, because he’s always behind me, just out of my view, but i know the cocks he shoves into me are rubber. he always fucks up the experience too, either he pushes too deep or too shallow or there’s not enough lubricant and then all my buttons are broken. too fast or too slow. Tails can barely grip what i need in both of his hands. if Tails really had a dick it wouldn’t be half of what i needed and he’d need to use a fake cock anyway.

“This one stinks like crap. I can barely get my shit up.”

“Then this is another one for your list. Fecalphilia.”

“I think you mean coprophilia.” a shit fucker. no fucking shit. “Is this the only thing going on tonight? Me screwing some half-dead broad?”

“Well, I get to watch.”

“Anything else?”

“This is just the appetizer. Tails is coming over later with some stuff. We’re going to try something new. Until then . . . you just do what you do best.”

my clothes are already off when i stick my limp dick inside of her, forcing it. she’s dry and cold, unusually tight, too, and i shiver and go to work, trying to buck back and forth like i’m jerking off, like it’s all fake. masturbation was always better for me anyway.

Sonic pats me on my bare ass and goes over in the corner. the room is so dark i can only see his eyes, glowing green past the black shroud. there wouldn’t really be anything to see in the room if it were daylight, but still i like to see what i’m doing and who i’m doing it to. this is if it’s just some random bum or vagrant.

but with Sonic or Tails…

night.

give me night.

“Faster.”

give me darkness.

“Faster.”

give me the darkest night known to this small, dismal planet.

give me oblivion.

faster. go faster. faster. she’s too tight to go too deep. must be another molestation test.

the neon lights are on in town tonight. this time, the manager of the theatre next door has decided to keep them red. deep, dark, red. he even turned on the animatronics.

Sonic and Tails, they bring me whoever they can, willing or not. sometimes they get prostitutes and i have a great time. sometimes, like now, they bring drunk and coked-out humans here for me to stick it to, and most of the time i never know who i’m doing it to. i have to use my imagination and pretend that what i’m fucking isn’t dry as sandpaper. the stink is usually so bad that i almost pass out. like reverse date-rape or something.

the lights from outside, they cast thick beams of light over her face, making her skin glow red-

Holy shit.

“Don’t look at me. Look at her.”

i cant, fuck, holy god, i cant

“So, Sonic…”

“Keep your eyes on her.”

“What in the hell are you?”

up in the darkness, just before another beam of light falls across her mangled form, i look back up at him. his green eyes look dead.

“I… I don’t know what you mean.”

“Well, I can’t really place you. You’re nothing I’ve ever seen before.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. So, what are you? An alien? A genetic freak? Endangered species? What?”

“I don’t know.”

“Time traveler?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, can you guess?” my weight shifts. she doesn’t react and i hope that she’s still breathing. Sonic’s eyes don’t move.

“I… I think I’m a human creation.”

human.

ha.

Sonic doesn’t know the meaning of the word. he tries so desperately to understand us, to mimic us, to try and understand why we’re so stupid. these little activities are his experiments, and i’m his fucking guinea pig lab rat. together we gather important data on the impossibility of the understanding of humans.

we’ve covered almost the entire spectrum of human sexuality: oral sex, anal sex, masturbation or self-stimulation, maximum ejaculation, multiple partners, cyber sex, exhibitionism (which was fun), rape and molestation, sadomasochism, troilism, bestiality, fetishism, transvestitism, bondage. believe it or not, i suggested this, you know, since at the time i didn’t want to talk about brain functions or social standings. sex, in all forms, is animal, primal, and very straightforward. surely, i had thought, that i will not have to do much work, and the work i do participate in is a giant ball of fun.

i was a virgin at the time.

“So, are you enjoying it?”

“Of course I am.” Lies.

Sonic and i met by chance at a local restaurant late at night, at about midnight. i bumped into him while he was staring at the sea line, and i had about a thousand questions to ask him, one of them happening to be a rumor that i heard.

‘Dick?’

‘Yeah. Dick. Come on, I hear you’re about… 9 inches. Is that shit true?’

he just gave me this dumb-fucked confused look. and, that, i guess, is where this all started.

you know, it was innocent enough, or at least it started out that way. i was just trying to help the poor guy, i mean, fuck, didn’t even know what a dick was. he even said that he didn’t know if he had one.

‘Well how in the hell do you piss?’

he shrugs. ‘Never really looked.’

and look, first hand, what i can tell you is that, honestly, Sonic the hedgehog has no dick. i swear. after this all got out of hand, after we had chosen sex as a means of understanding humans, after i tried teaching him to jerk off, i… i tried to give him a blow job.

and no dice. no cock. no nothing. like licking an armpit for ten minutes. i had to settle for him eating me out.

“Why? Are you enjoying this?”

now. snap. back to reality.

“I’m not sure. I think I feel something.”

i tense up. i turn away from the skin-white mass of red below me. fuck… “Really?”

“Maybe.” he blinks, the green sliding to black and then he’s gone. “Maybe.”

“Well, my friend, that would make you a scoptophiliac.”

“I thought I would be a voyeur.”

“This is hardly secretive. Although, if you keep your eyes closed then I can’t see where you are.”

“Hmm. Should I join in?”

troilism. three-way.

“No. Could be a fluke. Try jerking off in a few.”

“How do you know when it’s time?” my god, he sounds so happy, like he’s about to cry. still, his eyes show nothing. green, green, green.

“Swelling, like a swelling in your groin area. A gooey, warm sensation. The need to unload.”

“Is that why you do it?”

I…

I…

“Probably.”

“Do you love her?”

“We talked about this. You fuck someone you love but never vice versa.”

this is all supposed to help him be more human, more of a freak than he already is.

why the fuck would anyone want to be like us anyway?

the door opens and this dull light spills into the room. Tails walks in carrying a brown paper bag in both arms. more shit to shove up my ass, most likely. wonderful. fucking… wonderful…

“Hey. Picked up the stuff.”

“Hi Tails. You missed it. While you were gone, we made a breakthrough…”

“Yeah?! That’s great!”

“Yup. Any minute now and I’ll be jerking off.”

“Cool, cool. Can we still try the new thing tonight?”

“Sure, little buddy. What did you have in mind?”

“Electrocution. Also, I have some rope for some role playing, maybe some choking involved.”

“Asphyxiophilia.”

“Right you are!”

ohhhhnmnnnn uh!

“What’s with him?”

“Sounds like he’s done.”

“Ah. We can wait for a bit, then. What was the subject?”

“Incest.”

“Ah. What the fuck’s wrong with her?”

“Hmmm… oh, there’s another one to the list. Ha ha, whoops. Shouldn’t have hit her that hard.”