I’m so sorry.

THE BEST FANFIC EVER
by Sean Catlett

The great and powerful being known as Allison Fleury was writing some good old fashioned Smeagol and Deagol fuck-fuck fics when suddenly, thousands of emails overwhelmed her at once, interrupting her story and causing her to lose her precious, God-like concentration. Goddamn that’s a long sentence.

“Sweet holy bumble-bees! Look at all of those emails!” the holiest of holies exclaimed, in awe at the largeness of the… emails. “I do wonder what they all must be about…” She scratched her chin in a expository fashion, to suggest that she is wondering about something that we cannot ever figure out. After mere seconds of silence, the great AF figured out what the emails were about!

“Oh! They’re all about why they love Snively! Wizzy wow!” Actually, a couple were fanfics sent in by the lovely people of the Sonic fandom, but most of them had immense amounts of Snively-love as well, so I guess it doesn’t matter. “Man… this is so cool… Snively is the best, after all.”

But sadly, her wonder smile of goodness faded as quickly as it came, when she realized something… oh, what something she realized… how she ever realized it… the something that is…

“I CAN NEVER READ ALL OF THESE BY MYSELF!” she screamed, causing the earth to crack open, the skies to melt, the stars to wink out, the oceans to boil, the moon to explode, and for Gigli to be the most hated movie on the face of the planet. People, please don’t ever upset the almighty AF. Bad shit will happen.

However, I do exaggerate a bit. As powerful as she IS (and believe me, she is quite powerful, REALLY) there are just some things that she can’t do all by herself. It’s difficult for her to rule the world, write good fanfiction on a dying fandom, and read all of the stupid fucking email that she probably gets, not to mention the number of people she has to fend off from her Yahoo Instant Messenger fortress. Jesus, people, cut her some goddamn slack for fuck’s sake.

Man.

ANYWAY, as I was saying before I got interrupted by haters, Ali needed help. She needed help good. Even though she still looked hot and desirable, she cried and sobbed her eyes out. It was sad, sad I tell you. A crying woman sucks, especially a hot one. Her problem was just too great to-

WAIT! No it wasn’t! It was a simple solution!

“I’ll call the best people!” And so she did, using her handy dandy Phony-Phone, she called all the “readers” of the group. AKA: Vincent Valentine, David Macintyre, uh, Gino Ortiz, Vince’s brother, Sonique, Anthonius Runeblaze, Rex Killiante, Orin, and just for kicks, she prank called V-Dogg, told him he was stupid, and hung up, laughing maniacally.

Oh, and she also called Stephen Zacharus and Sean Catlett, but Stephen was unavailable and Sean was busy writing a really stupid fanfic that made references to old school Sonic authors that nobody currently would ever give a shit about.

But the important thing is, she called them. Yeah. And told them to come over right away. Yeah, that’s right. She called more too, I guess.

Well, Vince was the first to arrive. Since, you know, he lived next door to her, in the nearby Swedish Fortress, his almighty domicile.

“Hey, Alli-cat.”

“Hey, Vincenzo.” Vince, while extremely powerful in the most extreme way, is not quite as kickass as Ali just on the mere fact that Ali is a woman, and therefore, better. “Guess what?”

“What?”

“You get to help me read the most boneheaded emails ever written!”

“ALRIGHT! Wait, why?”

“Because. I need to put the best ones on my site.”

Vince looked at the God-ish computer screen. “Uh, Ali, they’re all about why they love Snively.”

“Yeah, I know. I told them to write about it.”

“Did ya, now?”

“Yes.” Blank stare. “What? WHAT?!”

“It’s just… isn’t writing a well-thought out email on why someone would love something kind of an impossibility?”

“Uh… no, stupid. Snively rules.”

“Yes, yes, I understand that, but… reasons?”

“Man, you’re slow. YES! Reasons.”

“Not to be disrespectful in any way, oh your worshipfulness, but the likeliness that you’ll find ANY well written sentiments in that pile of bird-shit that is email, is slim to nil.”

“Well, that’s why I have you.”

“Fine.”

Just to be on the safe side, Ali bitch-slaps Vince, showing him who the motherfucking boss is, and how no one can step to her skills. Sure, it’s abuse, but since I’m passing this off as a comedy, it’s okay.

“Anyway, now that I have asserted myself once again as the high and mighty goddess of all, I shall mention to you, Vince, that Snively rules in a number of different ways.”

“Yes, your highness.”

“One of which being that he is extremely sexy. Me personally, I find that skinny, whiney, pale, balding, and submissive closeted homosexual maleness to be sexually arousing, and because I can break his heart and not feel bad about it because he’s so used to getting the shit knocked out of him by his Uncle.” She giggles at the mental picture, since it has double meanings.

“And let’s not forget, Ms. Worship, that his nose is long and pointy.”

“Yesssssssssssssssssssssssss… it is, isn’t it?”

“I, certainly, in all of my purely sexual and libido-motivated decisions, cannot step to the tiny motherfucker’s skills, despite allegedly having a huge penis.”

“Well, when you’re right, you’re right, Vince.”

Just as AF is about to tea-bag VV somehow, a figure bursts into the room.

“GASP! Who’s that?!”

The mysterious figure steps out of the shadows, the ones caused by Ali’s door frame. The hallway lights are harsh, you see. “I… am, like, totally your best friend!” The demonic façade is melted away as AF sees who it is!

“Oh my gawd, Girl! You’re here!”

“Like, awesome!”

Yes, it was AS, or known to most people as the formidable Sonique. Not the music artist, stupid. Jesus, don’t you people pay attention?

AF: I love what you did to your hair, girlfriend!

AS: I know, it’s like, I shaved my entire head, save for a few lone hears, and then I used two bottles of glue to keep them standing on end. And then I stuck my nose in a vacuum cleaner to stretch it out.

AF: I so didn’t notice that!

AS: YES! So now, when I masturbate, I do it in the mirror so it’s like I’m… fingering… uh, Snively!

AF: I never thought of that! I’m so jealous… man you look sexy, the likeness is striking…

*cue implied pseudo-lesbian sex*

“Hey, now wait a fucking minute! Just because I love watching men fuck each other and just because I HAPPEN to find common ground with another woman that has the same first name and interests as I do, doesn’t mean we engage in Godless, non-romantic dirty sex. Sheesh. Men.”

Suddenly, David Macintyre bursts into the room!

“Sorry about the door, my lesbian-sense was tingling… he he, guess where THAT is…”

While Vince snickered in the corner, Ali raised her mightily powerful arms and cast vengeance upon the Earth once more, in anger, of course. Things happened, including causing Ed Norton and Selma Hayek to break up, as well as making Joel Schumacher remain in the movie business, directing one and sometimes two movies a year. Oh the horror.

But before this fic gets any longer than it needs to be, we’ll move on. Ali’s anger was purged once more. And all of the other people arrived. Yes. ALL of them. Even Zacharus, tied to a chair and with one ear missing on his right side. He stunk of gasoline. Even Kurisuta JADE showed up, but left when she realized that she was in the wrong blind character worship room. Crazy ho.

“Hey, Sean, how about instead of writing this God-awful crap any further, you actually put some thought into something intelligent to write, that you could, I dunno, actually submit somewhere and get money for?”

I’ve tried, you stupid bitch. This is my powerful thrust past the dam wall.

“Right, sure. You’re such a lazy piece of shit Sean. I’ll bet you don’t even proofread this.”

Suddenly, Ali’s tits fell off and started to grow legs.

“Hey!”

While you may be powerful, I AM the author of this God-awful crap. I can do what I want.

“FINE! I’ll be your puppet for now… but if I ever meet you in real life I’m going to cut off your cock and shove it up your ass. And pull it out. And shove it back in again. And repeat.”

No doubt.

Ali’s beautiful tits are restored.

And whatever prestige I had previously built now lays in ruins. Destruction is fun, kids!

“There’s a problem, Ali…” Vince said, saddened. “We’re missing two of our members.”

“Oh. Right. Members. Uh, members of what, exactly?”

“Well, we never thought of a name for our Sonic-writing troupe. I personally like “The League” or maybe “The Super Friends” but I doubt that’d make us seem halfway intelligent.”

“So… we’re missing two people?”

“Yes. Mr. Donald Ross, and The Tears of a Mad Man.”

“GHASTLY!”

“Indeed. But they’re not here yet despite the urgings that they were. But fear not. I have invented this machine.”

Vince gestures wildly to a giant machine behind him.

“Neat, huh?”

“What is it?”

“I call it… The King Machine.”

“Oh. Because it rips off Stephen King?”

AHEM.

“As I was saying, Ms. Ali, it is a machine that magically transports any form of matter from one place to another.”

“Oh, you mean like in Event Horizon? Or The Fly?”

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU ALL!! I’M ORIGINAL! COMPLETELY ORIGINAL!

“No. Not like that. At all. I have one attached to both of our missing friends. Let’s bring them here.”

Vince pulls a giant switch. Mr. Donald Ross steps through first, his eyes glazed over with fear. He manages to gasp out: “It’s eternity in there.” and then falls to the floor, dead. Tears, however, steps out unscathed.

“What a pussy.”

**********

And right about here, I gave up writing it, in the hopes that if I never finished it, it would never see the light of day. Lot of good that did, huh?

So to give it an ending, uh, Donald Ross comes back to life and kills everyone. And then Ethan Hawk and Uma Thurman split. And then the world exploded. Explodes.

Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention that I am not fond with things. Not fond at all.

Except for Final Fantasy 8. That game is the mad notes.

Now I promise I’ll work on real stuff now. Really.

Promise…