Hi, and welcomr to the first annual Mr. Middle Earth Competition, my first attempt at a LOTR humor fic; and in my opinion quite plotless. But give a try anyway, and be sure to tell me what you think!
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own any thing concerning Lord of the Rings; it's solely the property of J.R.R. Tolkien. But if I did, I would have changed the ending to The Return of the King...
Warning: Just for your information, the characters may seem a bit out of character... this is a humor fic after all. But if you don't mind that, on to the story!
1
The scene opens to a large auditorium which is packed with a multitude of teenage girls; who all seem to be either screaming, chattering incessantly, or somehow doing both at the same time.
This chaos of unintelligible noises continues until a old man wearing a white suit and sporting a long white beard approaches the stage, whereupon the noises increase as they furtively begin discussing his outfit.
Fangirl 1: Like Stacy, do you see that old geezer's outfit? That white suit and those brown shoes so don't go together!
Fangirl 2: I totally agree Tiffany! Black leather ones would have looked, like so much better! And don't get me started on that tie; can you say gaggerific?
Fangirl 1: (Looks at his tie closely and cringes with disgust at such fashion ambivalence) Like, ohmigod! You are sooo right.
Old Man:(Obviously fed up with all the noise judging by his red face and twitching eyebrows...) You Shall Be Quiet!
And the audience was silent.
Old Man: (Muttering "I wish it would have been that easy with the Balrog.'' under his breath) Good evening ladies, and welcome to the first annual Mr. Middle Earth Competition. As many of you already know, I'm Gandalf the White; and tonight I'll be your host for this wonderful event. But before I get too far ahead of myself, allow me to introduce my co-host, Gimli son of Gloin!
Silence.
Gandalf:(Clears his throat) Allow me to intorduce my co-host, Gimli son of Gloin!
Is met by silence again.
Gandalf:(Laughs nervously) Excuse me for just one moment, folks.
He stomps backstage, muttering something about "Hanging that good for nothing dwarf by his own beard."
Gandalf: Gimli! Where is your sorry behind, we need you onstage now!
At that moment, he spots Legolas rooting around in his closet out of the corner of his eye and pounces on him.
Gandalf: Legolas, what are you doing in your closet, shouldn't you be getting ready for the evening wear part of the show? And have you seen Gimli? The bumbling idiot missed his que, and now I have to hunt him down because he's holding up the show!
Legolas:(Sighs deeply) Yes Gandalf, I have seen Gimli. He tried to steal my conditioner and was going to use it on that nasty beard of his; I was so disgusted by this that I took my full Herbal Essences shampoo bottle and hit him in the back of the head with it. Hard. So hard, in fact, that it knocked him out cold. I managed to drag him over here with Aragorn's help and was trying to make room in my closet to stow him until he wakes up.
To show that his story was true, Legolas moves out of the way so that Gandalf could see Gimli's legs sticking out of the crowded closet (Which is full of God knows what...)
Gandalf: You did what?! I can't believe this! First I forget my staff walking out the door this morning, and now I'm stuck without a co-host just because he wanted to use some prettyboy elf's conditioner! My day just keeps on getting better and better, doesn't it? At the rate I'm going, that moron Boromir will streak across the stage before I can get back out there! (Turns just in time to see his prediction come true) That's just great; I have entire audience that's just been blinded.(Glances at Gimli's feet and sighs in resignation) Well, there's not much we can do now, so I'll just have to go on without him.
Legolas:(Nods in agreement) That would be the best thing to do. He'll be out for a while; I hit him with a full bottle of shampoo, and Herbal Essences is pretty potent stuff. (Shakes flawless hair for emphasis)
Gandalf:(Rolls his eyes) Whatever, just make sure you're ready for the evening wear part. And try to make room for him in that closet of yours; move your nail polish collection or something.
Before Legolas could protest that it was too big to move, Gandalf was already walking briskly onstage, mumbling "Pansy elf and his Herbal Essences will be the death of me." all the way there.
Gandalf: Well folks, sorry for that interruption. Unfourtunately, my co-host will not be able to join us due to some, er, techinal difficulties. But we're back now, and it's my pleasure to introduce our distinguished panel of judges; who will be awarding points to the gentlemen in this evening's competition.
(A light shines in the lefthand corner, showing Arwen, Galadriel, Goldberry, and Eowyn)
Gandalf: Tonight's panel consists of four lovely ladies; Arwen of Elendil, Galadriel of Lothlorien, Goldberry of the Wood, and last but certainly not least, Eowyn of Rohan. And this brings me to a very serious subject. (Clears throat) To ensure the safety of our competitors, we have a very advanced security system which is bound to take care of any problems we may encounter during the course of tonight's events.
Hearing his cue, Sam walks onstage with Gollum tethered to a thick leather leash.
Sam: Mr. Gandalf sir, I really hope I'm getting paid for this. You have no idea how long it took to get this here little bugger on a leash.
Gollum:(Cooing and talking to himself) We wants to be rid of thiss nassty, stupid hobbit, don't we, my preciouss. Yess, we do.
Sam: Yeah, well, I'm not too fond of you either; you slimy little beast. Now come along. (Yanks leash and walks off stage, dragging Gollum behind him.)
Gandalf: When we come back from a short break, the evening portion of our show will begin.
Commercial#1
Sam and Frodo are sitting at a kitchen counter, both eating a bowl of Kix. Suddenly, Frodo hops up and goes to a measuring chart on the wall.
Frodo: Sam, am I taller now?
Sam:(Squints to read the chart, than shakes his head sadly) I don't think so, Mister Frodo. It still reads 4 foot 5.
Frodo:(Sighs) Well, I'd better eat some more Kix.
Announcer: Kix: hobbit tested, mother approved.
Wow, that was a blast to write! (By the way, I love that Kix commercial. Can't you just see the hobbits doing that?) Anyway, the evening portion is coming up next, followed by the swimsuit competition a couple chapters later. (Yes, it will include a shirtless Legolas.) So stick around, the madness has just begun! Until next chapter, Bye!