Best Actor: Will Smith

Whether it's playing cocky, smart-mouthed military guys, cocky, smart-mouthed cowboys or cocky, smart-mouthed boxers, Smith always rises to the occasion, imbuing each part with his own unique blend of sincere cockiness and heart-warming smart-mouthery. We never actually saw Happyness, but assume that Smith's sensitive portrayal of homeless father Chris Gardner must have taken his smart-mouth to new heights of cockiness.

Best Supporting Actor: Mark Wahlberg

After his tour-de-force performance in Tim Burton's action-monkey epic Planet of the Apes, we knew it was only a matter of time til Mark Wahlberg's ability to work amazingly well with people in animal costumes made him one of Hollywood's greats. In Departed, he shows his versatility in yet another area: acting with a really, really bad hairstyle. Yes, Mark, you are on your way.

Best Actress: Helen Mirren

This is a tough category to call, since two of the nominees are venerable, old, British actresses, but we predict that in a death match, Helen Mirren's Queen Elizabeth II would beat Judi Dench's Queen Elizabeth I. (That giant ornamental collar would reduce agility and obstruct her peripheral vision.) So we're giving the Oscar to Helen.

Best Supporting Actress: Abigail Breslin

Ever since she stole our hearts as Mel Gibson's creepy, psychic daughter in Signs, we knew...well, nothing about little Abigail Breslin. In fact, at the time, we thought she was Dakota Fanning. But now we know better, and since kids and cute animals should always win, we're rooting for Abigail.

Best Director: Clint Eastwood

Because, let's face it, Clint Eastwood always wins. Being in this category opposite Clint is about as competitive as pitting Bambi against Godzilla. The dude is unstoppable. Hollywood loves him, and everthing he touches turns to gold. Except for Space Cowboys. That movie just plain sucked. H-O-K-E-Y. I mean, honestly, Clint, what were you thinking, man?

Achievement in Makeup: Apocalypto

Never mind the social commentary, graphic violence and Mayan dialogue in Mel Gibson's latest decent into madness; in Apocalypto, it's all about the body paint, baby! From the striking blue of terrified captives about to be decapitated, to the ka-razy body art of the Mayan leaders about to decapitate the captives, this film captured the heart and soul of what it means to cut people's heads off and roll them down stairs.

Best Original Song: "I Need to Wake Up" from An Inconvenient Truth

Al Gore scared the bejeezus out of all of us with his expose on global warming, but Melissa Etheridge made it all okay again with this plaintive little ditty. We suppose. We didn't actually see the documentary, or hear the song, but we figure since they don't give awards for beating breast cancer, then Etheridge should at least get an Oscar for her troubles. Then they could turn her story into a movie of it's own, and she could write a hit song for that one, and win another Oscar. The circle of life will then be complete!

Best Motion Picture: Babel

From the trailers, this film looked gritty, tense, dramatic, and thoroughly confusing. Which must mean it's a good film. It was probably also "gripping," which one can only assume means, in Hollywood-speak, "extremely boring to everybody except voting members of the Academy." For those reasons alone, Babel deserves to be this year's winner for best picture. That, plus it has the shortest title of any of the nominees (not really an important factor, but I just thought I'd point it out).

Best Visual Effects: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Curse you, Jerry Bruckheimer and Gore Verbinski! Curse you for making a vapid, 2 1/2 hour filler flick that suckered the entire movie-going public into giving you the biggest box-office weekend ever! But Bill Nighy did rock those tentacles pretty hard, and at the end of the day, who doesn't love a giant, Johnny Depp-eating sea squid? I know I do!

Best Original Screenplay: Pan's Labyrinth

If you stop to think about it, most of the fairy tales and nursery rhymes we all grew up with were really horribly morbid stories about cannibalism, murder, theft, birth control, homosexuality, starvation, fetishes, and mental illness. And kids loved them. Pan's Labyrinth harkens back to those nostalgic days of child abuse, war and infant mortality and for that, I say "Thank you, Guillermo Del Toro, it's about darn time!"

Back to the Hamster!

Best Actor: Will Smith Whether it's playing cocky, smart-mouthed military guys, cocky, smart-mouthed cowboys or cocky, smart-mouthed boxers, Smith always rises to the occasion, imbuing each part with his own unique blend of sincere cockiness and heart-warming smart-mouthery. We never actually saw Happyness, but assume that Smith's sensitive portrayal of homeless father Chris Gardner must have taken his smart-mouth to new heights of cockiness.
Best Supporting Actor: Mark Wahlberg After his tour-de-force performance in Tim Burton's action-monkey epic Planet of the Apes, we knew it was only a matter of time til Mark Wahlberg's ability to work amazingly well with people in animal costumes made him one of Hollywood's greats. In Departed, he shows his versatility in yet another area: acting with a really, really bad hairstyle. Yes, Mark, you are on your way.
Best Actress: Helen Mirren This is a tough category to call, since two of the nominees are venerable, old, British actresses, but we predict that in a death match, Helen Mirren's Queen Elizabeth II would beat Judi Dench's Queen Elizabeth I. (That giant ornamental collar would reduce agility and obstruct her peripheral vision.) So we're giving the Oscar to Helen.
Best Supporting Actress: Abigail Breslin Ever since she stole our hearts as Mel Gibson's creepy, psychic daughter in Signs, we knew...well, nothing about little Abigail Breslin. In fact, at the time, we thought she was Dakota Fanning. But now we know better, and since kids and cute animals should always win, we're rooting for Abigail.
Best Director: Clint Eastwood Because, let's face it, Clint Eastwood always wins. Being in this category opposite Clint is about as competitive as pitting Bambi against Godzilla. The dude is unstoppable. Hollywood loves him, and everthing he touches turns to gold. Except for Space Cowboys. That movie just plain sucked. H-O-K-E-Y. I mean, honestly, Clint, what were you thinking, man?
Achievement in Makeup: Apocalypto Never mind the social commentary, graphic violence and Mayan dialogue in Mel Gibson's latest decent into madness; in Apocalypto, it's all about the body paint, baby! From the striking blue of terrified captives about to be decapitated, to the ka-razy body art of the Mayan leaders about to decapitate the captives, this film captured the heart and soul of what it means to cut people's heads off and roll them down stairs.
Best Original Song: "I Need to Wake Up" from An Inconvenient Truth Al Gore scared the bejeezus out of all of us with his expose on global warming, but Melissa Etheridge made it all okay again with this plaintive little ditty. We suppose. We didn't actually see the documentary, or hear the song, but we figure since they don't give awards for beating breast cancer, then Etheridge should at least get an Oscar for her troubles. Then they could turn her story into a movie of it's own, and she could write a hit song for that one, and win another Oscar. The circle of life will then be complete!
Best Motion Picture: Babel From the trailers, this film looked gritty, tense, dramatic, and thoroughly confusing. Which must mean it's a good film. It was probably also "gripping," which one can only assume means, in Hollywood-speak, "extremely boring to everybody except voting members of the Academy." For those reasons alone, Babel deserves to be this year's winner for best picture. That, plus it has the shortest title of any of the nominees (not really an important factor, but I just thought I'd point it out).
Best Visual Effects: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest Curse you, Jerry Bruckheimer and Gore Verbinski! Curse you for making a vapid, 2 1/2 hour filler flick that suckered the entire movie-going public into giving you the biggest box-office weekend ever! But Bill Nighy did rock those tentacles pretty hard, and at the end of the day, who doesn't love a giant, Johnny Depp-eating sea squid? I know I do!
Best Original Screenplay: Pan's Labyrinth If you stop to think about it, most of the fairy tales and nursery rhymes we all grew up with were really horribly morbid stories about cannibalism, murder, theft, birth control, homosexuality, starvation, fetishes, and mental illness. And kids loved them. Pan's Labyrinth harkens back to those nostalgic days of child abuse, war and infant mortality and for that, I say "Thank you, Guillermo Del Toro, it's about darn time!"