DIRECTOR: Nicholas Webster
It's early December on earth ("Septober," Mars-time), and while Santa (John Call) is busy
making toys for the children of Earth, the Martian family of father Kimar (Leonard Hicks),
mother Momar (Leila Martin) and their two children Girmar and Bomar (Pia Zadora, Chris Month,
respectively) can only watch the festivites from afar on their "video." Kimar and Momar are
baffled and concerned, since lately Girmar and Bomar have scarcely touched their food pills
and need "sleep spray" to fall asleep at night. More troubling still, Martian children all
over the planet are acting just the same. What could the trouble be? Gathering together the
elders of Mars, Kimar treks out to the forest to consult with the 800-year-old wise man
Chochem (Carl Don). Chochem determines that the cause of the children's apathy is that
Martian children never get the chance to be kids, and to cure them, Kimar will have to go to
Earth and bring back Santa Claus (and two earth kids as collateral), who will teach the
children how to have fun.
"Ooh, Earthchildren! They should be nice and tender!"
Yes, that's right; the Martians need Santa Claus to save their children. Corny? Oh, me,
oh my, yes. But this movie treats its ridiculous premise so thoughtfully that I couldn't help
but enjoy it, anyway. As a real movie, Santa sucks big time. The Martians are the
quintessential "green men," with green face paint, outfits, antennae, and dorky helmets that
make wearing a Santa hat a creative challenge. The snow effects are obviously fake, there's a
guy in a polar bear suit running around the North Pole, and the Mars sets look like the
lovechild of "The Jetsons" and the original "Star Trek." Not to mention the obvious wrongness
of Martians watching Earth news shows and eating food pills that taste like chocolate ice
cream, asparagus and mashed potatoes. Then there's that giant "radar box" on Kimar's ship,
whose sole purpose seems to be providing a keen hiding place for stowaways, since the wires
Billy tears off seem to have no impact on anything. And, speaking of things that don't make
sense, why does Momar have the symbol for "male" on her chest insignia? Are the filmmakers
implying that the Martian race are all one sex, or is Momar simply a transsexual
extraterrestrial?
"...Urge to kill...rising..."
From the luny story to the garish spectacle of the movie (including a kickin' theme song),
it's obviously not trying to impress anyone over age six, but by the occassionally clever and
even downright sly dialogue, there's something in it for the parents watching, too (though,
admittedly, not much). Curiously, much of the cleverness comes from Saint Nick, himself.
Surrounded by one-note characters and a ditzy plot, this Santa is perhaps the most realistic
Jolly Old Elf out there. His "Ho, Ho, Ho!" comes out like a real belly laugh almost befitting
of a classic villian rather than a classic children's icon. Listen for his Nixon joke early
in the film, and a scene between Santa and the two captured earth children where he tells of a
close call with the St. Mary is great fun to watch.
"I kidnapped Santa Claus and brought him to Mars, and all I got was this ridiculous hat!"
The story also adds some humorous depth
to his relationship to Mrs. Claus (Doris Rich), whom he addresses thusly when she gets hit by
the Martians' freezer ray: "I don't think I've ever seen you so quiet for so long!" This is
my kind of Santa, all right, who grouses about the invasion of technology and "kids these
days!" He's really the best reason to watch this movie, which, at 81 minutes in length, is
about 30 minutes too long to carry this holiday joke. The acting is not noticeably atrocious,
and a special nod goes to child actors Victor Stiles (Billy) and the adorable Donna Conforti
(Betty) for some very convincing expressions of panic (although probably not as convincing as
the expressions they must have had when they got a look at the final cut of the film).
Basically, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a bad holiday movie; but with only a
campy sense of humor and a slight decrease of your functional IQ, you can end up finding it
highly entertaining. Still, I don't recommend watching it over and over again. Too much bad
"video" will rot your brain, and that theme song ("S-A-N-T-Y C-L-A-U-S/Hooray for Santy Claus!") is dangerously addictive.
