You know it's a dull year for the
Academy Awards when I correctly guess each and every winner. I
remember my first time on the Internet, I entered a contest to pick
the 1994 winners. In the end, I was one of 42 recipients of a fabulous
new t-shirt that featured the logo of some Internet start-up company. It
was no statue, but it came in very handy for the gym.
The big news at that year's ceremony,
wasn't who won or lost - but who hosted. David Letterman was in
the middle of a heated battle against Jay Leno in what would soon be
called the 'Late Night Wars'. When Billy Crystal stepped down as
host, Letterman stepped in, and it seemed like a major victory for
him.
The theme of the evening, according
to Arthur Hiller, Academy President, was Comedy in the Movies. Sadly, Letterman's sophomoric brand
of humor that made him a staple on late night television, didn't
translate well to the Academy Awards. His stint has become
historic as being one of the biggest flops ever.
From the Monologue
(After a long applause) Thank
you very much. Now we're five minutes late.
By the way if Mr. Hiller is still in
the auditorium, there are some guys out in the parking lot who would
like to talk to him about Hoop Dreams.
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| I won't lie to ya!
I'm very, very excited. I've been dying to do something
all day. And I think we can take care of this ... Oprah
-- Uma. (Letterman thought this joke was hysterical, and
while it later became a catchphrase to sum up the evening,
nobody really quite got it. Even as other jokes failed,
he would revert to saying "Uma - Oprah." Ugh!) |
By the way, the people that I work
for have asked me to make an announcement. CBS has signed off
for the evening.
Losers tonight will not go home empty
handed. In fact, everyone in the Best Actress category will get
to have a child with Anthony Quinn.
You know, tonight is certainly an
important event. Almost as important as a Dreamworks press
conference.
Well of course, Forrest Gump said
'life is like a box of chocolates.' You never know what you're
going to get, unless of course you're sitting next to Roger
Ebert. Then you know you're not going to get any.
Interview with a Vampire - did over a
hundred million dollars business. Of course in New York City,
that film is now going under the title - Bite Me. ... You know I
know that's not much of a joke - but I just wanted to stand in front
of a billion people and say, 'Bite me'.
Nominated for Best Foreign Language
film, Eat Drink, Man, Woman. Coincidentally, this is, how I
understand, that Arnold Swartzenegger asked Maria Shriver on their
first date.
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Letterman's brand of humor,
that worked so well on his talk show, seemed to flop with the
Academy. Highlights (or lowlights) included clips with
Dave talking to cab drivers about the nominated films, and audition
tapes of huge stars like Madonna, Paul Newman and Steve
Martin, saying "Wanna buy a monkey?" - Dave's line
from Cabin Boy. Perhaps the only one that worked
was his Top 10 List.
Top Ten Clues that the
film you are seeing will not be nominated for Best Picture.
10. It still has
the time code from the camcorder on it.
9. Any combination of the words police or academy
in the title.
8. It's a movie about the civil war and general
grant is wearing Dockers.
7. You hear someone yelling focus and you realize
its the director.
6. It's a beautifully made movie about two kids
in the inner city trying to realize their dream of playing
basketball.
5. The last twenty minutes is a shot of Richie from the
local 262 eating doughnuts.
4. You date had to jam a needle full of adrenaline in
your heart, just to keep you awake.
3. Before it starts you hear, Thank you for coming to
Loew's. Sit back and relax. This movie blows.
2. Nude scene with Uma Thurman replaced by nude scene
with Strom Thrumand.
1. Four words ... Dom Deluise as Gandhi.
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Jessica Lange gets her second
award for a three year old film!
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Orion Film Studios had been
bust for three years, and any films that had not been released
prior to their collapse seemed doomed. Then, in 1994,
during a particularly poor year for female roles, someone
decided to release Blue Sky. The film was made in 1991,
but was shelved as nobody was willing to finance its release.
Blue Sky, while hardly seen, got good notices for Lange, and
suddenly, she found herself as the frontrunner for the Best
Actress award.
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Like is like a box of chocolates ...
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Tom Hanks weeped his way
through his second Academy award. The actor became the
fourth to win acting awards back to back, following in the
footsteps of Luise Rainer, Spencer Tracey and Katharine
Hepburn.
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Diane Weist won her second Supporting
Actress Oscar, for Bullets Over Broadway, yet another Woody
Allen film.
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Lizzie Garnder and Tim Chappel won the award
for Best Costumes for Pricilla, Queen of the Desert.
Lizzie made a splash that year, donning the best outfit at the
ceremony - a dress made entirely of American Express cards.
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Steve Martin provides a temperature
check. "Wasn't Dave funny tonight? Of course,
who wouldn't be funny, following Arthur Hiller?"
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Martin Landau became the latest victim of
the Oscar clock. He took his time thanking everyone -
and was rushed off the stage by the band. "Please
don't play the Mission Impossible Theme. I'll be very
angry."
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She's the girl who had a hit in the 80's
with The Warrior! In 1994, she was singing an Academy
Award winning song - Look What Love Has Done to Me.
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Quincy Jones gets the Humanitarian Award.
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I was reminded of Bette Davis presenting the
Best Actor Award to Paul Newman back in 1986, when Newman
presented the cinematography award. Like Daivs, he lost
step with the clips, and failed to mention the nominees.
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Jamie Lee Curtis made the most impressive
entrance of the night, being air dropped via helicopter ... a
la True Lies.
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Letterman introduced Tim Robbins and Susan
Surandan by saying, "Pay attention. I bet they're
pissed off about something." This year they weren't
pissed off about anything. In fact, nobody had anything
politically challenging to say.
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Michaelangelo Antonoini, director of such
classic films as Blow Up, couldn't speak English. His
young wife accepted his honorary award for him.
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This ain't the Tony's! Elton John
brushes past his lover, David Furnish, as he goes up to accept
his award for Best Song.
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Quentin Tarentino should be given credit for
his honesty anyway ... "I'm probably not going win
anything else here tonight .." as he won the Best
Screenplay award. His writing partner, Roger Avery,
concluded with, "I would like to say something, but I
really have to pee."
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Clint Eastwood gets the Jean Hersholt
Humanitarian Award.
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