The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Sep 14 2004
With Gwyneth Paltrow

Nothing of interest was said, but I might transcribe it anyway just for the pleasure of Paul witticism/s.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Apr 8 2004
With Matthew Perry

JL: My next guest is a great young actor from England. You know him from movies like "Master and Commander" and "A Beautiful Mind", and now starring in a new movie with Nicole Kidman called "Dogville" - please welcome Paul Bettany!

JL: How are ya, lad?
PB: I'm *fabulously* well.
JL: [to Matthew Perry] He looks like one of the Kray's! You remember the English gangsters with the black ties...?
PB: I've been told that before.
JL: Have you had that?
PB: Yeah.
JL: Now I know you flew in from New York, and I know you hate to fly...you're not a flyer, are you?
PB: I'm not so bad anymore, unless I'm stupid enough to fly sober...
JL: Oh, and that would be foolish!
PB: ...But that doesn't come up much. But I used to be terrified. And when they were pointing out the exits, you know, I would not just look at the exits, I'd also look to see if there were any frail old women I could push out of the way quickly.
JL: Really?
PB: And if WE were on a plane [to Matthew Perry] I wouldn't want you talking to me or anything, because I might...If we go down over the Cascade Mountains, you're...dinner, you know? And I'm not gonna bond with my lunch.
JL: Oh I see...If you're going to be a cannibal you don't want it to be somebody you know.
PB: Exactly, yes, that'd be awful. But I'm over it now, just through the sheer mesmerizing amount of vodka I drink before getting on a plane.
JL: See, that's the one time you WANT the really fat guy sitting next to you, because you don't know how long you're going to be stuck.
PB: You're right, you're absolutely right.

JL: Now, in "Dogville", you play an American...
PB: Yeah.
JL: Did you work on this accent? I give you credit, because I see a film and they say "you know, Paul was in that", and I go "he was??"...because you're so good I don't recognize you from film to film. And in this one you're doing an American...how was the accent? Did you get it easily enough?
PB: Well that's for other people to judge. It seems to me that the more sort of "cool" a director is, the cheaper they are.
JL: Really?
PB: Yeah, he refused to pay for voice coaching.
JL: Who is this?
PB: Lars von Trier.
JL: "Lars von Trier"? See, now that sounds like a really arty director..."Lars von Trier". [to Perry] Do you know that name, Lars von Trier?
MP: No, I'm still scared that you're going to eat me. [all three of them crack up]
JL: Imagine people just tuning in now?
MP: "What did he say??"
[Paul's trying to laugh quietly but not succeeding]

JL: Now tell me about Lars von Trier.
PB: Well he's a cheap bastard.
JL: Oh really?? Wow.
PB: So he refused to pay for voice coaching...and bearing in mind that I wasn't getting paid to do the job...
JL: So you're not getting paid...
PB: You're not getting paid, and now he wants you to pay to be IN the movie, you know? And it's a real honour to work with him and blah blah blah BLAH [Jay cracks up], but you know. So I waited, and luckily Nicole Kidman turned up with a voice coach, so I had like three days to prepare.
JL: So now you sound like Nicole Kidman? Is that what you're saying?
PB: Yeah, I sound Australian, it's weird!
JL: [does bad Nicole Kidman impression]

JL: Now, is Lauren Bacall...She's in this movie also?
PB: She's in the movie, yeah, and they...
JL: Wasn't there an incident with her and Lars von Trier, the director?
PB: Yeah, there was...I should preface this thing with the fact that it's a spurious rumour, but...
JL: It's a rumour, but it's fun to gossip.
PB: It is fun to gossip. Lars and her had this running argument, because Lars lived above her in the hotel. Not in the same room, because that would be weird - there weren't bunk beds or anything, it wasn't like that at all...And she would turn the music up...the TV up very loud to go to sleep and just leave it on all night, and Lars couldn't sleep. And this argument erupted one night at dinner, where she said "Well you know, if if you've got such a problem with it you should go home now and get some sleep, because I'm coming home, I'm turning my TV on and it's going to be as loud as ever". And Lars said [does von Trier's accent] "You know, last night I was in my room, and I was watching the pornography channel..."
JL: Lars was watching the pornography channel?
PB: [still in von Trier's accent] "Yes. And when I turned the television off, exactly the same music was coming from your room downstairs."
JL: Wow...so Lauren Bacall watches pornography?
PB: No, I'm not...that's the whole point about it being a spurious rumour!
JL: What was the porno film? Do you remember the name of it?
PB: I haven't the faintest idea.
JL: What kind of porno does Miss Bacall like?
PB: "Shaving Ryan's Privates".
JL: "Shaving Ryan's Privates", really?
[audience jeers]
PB: I *so* wish we hadn't done that bit.

JL: OK, so you're on a film, you're not getting paid and you have to do it yourself.
PB: Yeah.
JL: Now, this Lars...you know, this is one of those people...I don't know the man - is he from Denmark or something?
PB: Yeah.
JL: And he doesn't fly either, does he?
PB: No, he refuses.
JL: And you have to go where HE is...you have to go to Denmark, you don't get paid, and you've got to buy all your own stuff?
PB: That's right.
JL: He must be quite the genius.
PB: He'll be the first person to tell you that.
JL: And isn't he like, big into nudity and things?
PB: Yeah, he is - he tries to get everyone to have a sauna naked with him. It didn't work.
JL: Oh right, so you, Lauren Bacall and Lars were not naked in the sauna?
PB: Well I was wearing a beige pair of Speedos. [turns to Matthew] [Perry had previously told Jay about how Bruce ran around naked on the set of "The Whole Ten Yards" while Perry wore cream-coloured Speedos]
MP: Really?
JL: Has he ever worked with Bruce Willis?
PB: They should, I tell you: at 4 o'clock in the morning, I get this knock on my door. And I think "Who the hell can this be??" and it can only be Lars. And I say "Who is it?" and he goes "Hi, it's Lars" and I say "What do you want, it's 4 o'clock in the morning!". So I open the door, and he's standing in the communal area of the hotel, with no clothes on, and a mobile phone. And I said "What do you want??" and he looked at me and looked down and went "...I want a pair of underpants!". So I had to give him a pair of my underpants...So I think they'd probably work very well together.
MP: Are you and Lars going to work together again soon?
PB: [laughs] I have hope.

JL: How did you get this acting job? Did you answer an ad on the internet?
PB: No, it's worse than that: I got lied to. My great friend Stellan Skarsgård said: "Oh you have to do it, it's so much fun - he's so great with actors, it's just fun all the time!". And two weeks in, I went "Stellan, what was all the fun bit about...?" and he said "Oh no, I was lying, I had to do the job with you, you know - it's terrible!"
JL: So you didn't get paid, no coach, and you had to give the guy your underpants?
PB: Yeah.
JL: That's...That's rough.
PB: Yeah, I know!
JL: So what is this scene we're going to see? This is you and Nicole...
PB: Yes.
JL: This is a very serious film, isn't it, by the way?
PB: Yeah, it's...bleak.
JL: "Bleak"?? Well you certainly know how to sell a picture, don't you?
PB: There's loads of explosions in this...
JL: And you have a love interest in Nicole?
PB: Yeah, well I'm sort of trying to tell her I love her, but I play this sort of 21-year-old virgin...
JL: OK...oh, so it's a true story?
PB: I wish!
JL: Let's take a look: "Dogville". [plays clip] [audience cheers]
PB: Thank you very much.

JL: Now, what's next - you're doing a film on tennis?
PB: Yeah, I'm making a film called "Wimbledon" with Kirsten Dunst - well, I've made it, but I have to go back and do some extra shooting, which means I have to go to the gym again, which is a frightening thought.
JL: You don't like the gym?
PB: No, I have this guy that trains me in New York called Mike Hood, and he's very frightening...[someone in the audience cheers] Do you have a Mike Hood fan in here?
JL: No, I think you just said "New York".
PB: Oh, right.
JL: You know, Matthew was...you were a pro tennis player, right? [to Perry]
MP: I, well...no. But I played tennis.
PB: Oh really?
JL: He was very good, he was like one of the best players - you were like number three or something.
PB: Well then I won't play you.
MP: But I haven't trained with Mike Hood.
JL: That's all the difference.
PB: Pat Cash taught me tennis, and that was terribly frightening.
JL: Because you told me, you don't like to exercise.
PB: No, I think it's a loathesome thing to do.
JL: Loathesome?
PB: Yeah, it's awful! The first time I'd ever worked out, I worked with Mike Hood, and I passed out in the induction...you know, on the treadmill. I just hyperventilated and...
JL: Well you look like you're in good shape...how do you...was it drugs? How do you stay in shape?
PB: Yeah, yeah...MASSIVE. MASSIVE amounts of drugs.

JL: Allright! Now, "Master and Commander" is coming out on DVD on April 20th...thanks, I invited you here just so I could get a free copy of this, it's great, so this is terrific. [audience cheers] Paul, say hi to your lovely wife for me as well...and Stellan!
PB: And Stellan.
JL: Allright, we'll be right back with the music of William Hung, right after this - don't go away!