Skit 1- Introduction
(Nerd 13 cam)
For: Ah, you're here. Hello. And welcome to Deep 13. I'm Dr. Forrester, currently in pre-med, and soon, you will all bow down before me. What you are about to see is an experiment. And by observing, you have become part of that experiment. For I have shot a man into space and will drive him crazy by forcing him watch the worst movies ever made. Oh sure, we all thought about it, but I had the guts to do it!
(Knocks over some delicate test equipment raving. Twists a monitor so we can see Brian on the sol poking at the camera with servo in the background)
For: This is my test subject, Brian Uiga, a disgustingly mild-mannered dope who was doing temp work for me.
(Turns away monitor)
This movie will drive him to the breaking point and crush his soul. And then, I'll unleash him on an unwitting public and then, I will rule the world! Yes! Hahahaha! Hahaha!
(Knocks over more equipment. Smoke begins to rise from the floor)
For: Well, you will join Brian on the satellite… (Looking down) Oh, poopie.
(Sat cam)
B: Hey great. Is this thing working? Greetings, people of earth! I'm Brian Uiga, and I've been shot up in space on a satellite that was in my deadbeat employer's backyard for no good reason at all!
(Servo comes on)
S: Brian, have you seen my can of hamdingers?
B: Not now, Servo! I'm trying to get us off this wretched satellite!
S: But they were my favorite…
B: Never mind! Now where was I? Well, anyway, I need all of you people out there to write your respective congresspersons, and send a NASA shuttle up right now, OK? Heck, I'm so desperate I'll even settle for Mir!
S: Sorry Brian, no chance of escape. We searched the entire ship, and there was nothing to help us.
B: Nothing?!
S: Well, there was a single escape pod, but Crow sent his chicken puppet back to earth in that.
B: A chicken puppet?! (Comedic pause as he looks at Cambot.) Well, isn't there anything we can do? Does anyone know how anything works on this horrid satellite?
S: Well, Gypsy. But she's a little peeved about being shot up into space again. And, she's a little more than a little peeved when Crow used our only way home to play with his chicken puppet.
(Crow runs on screaming, followed by a very angry Gypsy. Crow hides behind Brian)
B: Whoa guys, calm down. Gypsy, could you help us out here?
G: Oh, jump my tube, white-boy. (Begins to leave in disgust)
B: That was a bit harsh. But couldn't you just…
G: Bite me! (She leaves)
B: (to Gypsy) Ok. (To camera) Send the shuttle up soon. These three are driving me up wall!
(Red light flashes)
C: Well, since you two are having no luck with your (ahem) plan, I'm going to tunnel my way right back to Earth through the basement! (Leaves)
B: Crow, you can't tunnel your way through space…
S: What a moron.
B: (looks at panel) Looks like someone has answered our distress call. Hello?
S: I think you need to hit the button to talk to them.
B: All right. (Hits switch) Crow, get back here! We're going home!
C: (comes on R) Fine. Gee, Brian, I didn't think you'd take it so personally!
B: Shut up.
(nerd 13 cam)
For: (evil nerd laugh) So, how are you enjoying your new accommodations, lab rats?
(Sat cam)
C: Uhh… they suck?
B: Enough! I don't care who you really are, or who put you up to this, but the joke is over and you are going to return me home right now.
S: Yeah! (C: Yeah!) What he said!
(nerd 13 cam)
For: (2001 voice) I'm afraid I can't do that, Brian. You will stay up there until I say you can come down. Now prepare yourself and your tinkertoys for the experiment!
(sat cam)
C/S: Tinkertoys…(they grumble)
B: Suppose I don't prepare for "the experiment". Suppose I just stay here and do nothing until you return me home!
C: Yeah! Suppose that, Webster!
(nerd 13 cam)
For: Fine. Than suppose that I push this little button here that depressurizes the satellite cabin. You have 30 seconds to reconsider.
(sat cam)(B/ robots are bowing down and choking)
B: (hoarse) Sure, the experiment… sounds fine… good… Air!
For: (oov) Glad you see things my way.
(S/C mutter insults- "jerk", "weenie")
B: (getting breath back) But couldn't you just, you know, return me for the afternoon? Come on, a Monty Python marathon is on! (Impersonation) "I'm not dead yet"…
(nerd 13 cam)
For: Hmm… No.
B: (oov) But I …
For: Any further insolence and I will push the button again!
B: Fine. Great! What's the experiment?
For: I thought you'd never ask. Not unlike your Monty Python, it's British. (bots scream oov) Your movie for today is an excruciating episode of the TV serial "Doctor Who". (C: Who?) Prepare yourself for- "Time and the Rani" (hold up video, slips it out of box, and stuffs it into VCR. Hits keyboard theatrically, then looks at it.)
Shut down/ Restart… Oh, poopie!
(sat cam)
S: Be afraid. Be very afraid.
C: I'm too young to die! (movie sign)
B: Come on guys, it's only a movie. How bad could it be?
S: If you only knew.. the horror… (into theater)
Skit 2- Crow Regenerates
(B/S come out of theater)
B: Well ,that was pretty bad, I guess, but I guess it could be worse. Now where did Crow get off to?
S: You know, I should warn you, our lanky gold friend has a tendency to want to reenact certain parts of these movies we watch. You'll have to humor him.
(C pops up L in 6th Dr. coat. He has very large wires attached to his arms)
C: Hi guys. You know, I was thinking about the movie, and regeneration and stuff, and I…
B: Crow, I don't think you should…
S: Humor him.
C: And I thought, you know, I could regenerate into a new body, one where the arms actually work, because mine are useless and all,
B: Oh dear. This isn't going to work, Crow.
C: Why not? I have the multicolored tasteless coat, don't I? Now I've hooked myself up to the main satellite generator, so just pull that switch and send 60 million volts of electricity through me. Well, go on.
S: Can I pull the switch? Can I can I can I?
B: Servo, your arms don't work either.
S: Oh yeah, I forgot. Then go ahead and pull it for me.
B: This is really not a good idea, Crow.
S: Pull it! Pull the switch!
B: Don't say I didn't warn you… (B pulls it. Everything goes black, and a blackened skeleton of Crow falls to the ground after wheezing out a single puff of smoke)
S: Well that didn't work, now did it?
B: Oh my God! He's.. (looking down) dead!
S: Yep. Dead as a doornail. You want a sandwich?
B: How can you say that?! Crow is…is…
S: Dead. I know. Mayo? Mustard?
B: I can't believe you! I mean, Crow is…(looking down)
S: Dead?
B: No, he's gone.
S: You're kidding. (com light flashes)
B: No. I don't see him anywhere. Now how in the world… (hits com switch) Listen, Nerd-boy. Later, all right? We're a little busy right now. (hits switch again)
(nerd 13 cam)
For: Well, wouldn't that just make you cry! I go to all of the trouble of kidnapping him, shooting him into space, and do I get any thanks?(almost in tears) Fine then. Just for that, I'm going to make him watch the rest of the movie. (Imitates B with whiny voice:) "We're a little busy right now."
(sat cam)(B/S looking down L when Crow pops up right in 7th Dr. suit. He speaks in a Scottish accent now)
C: Tally ho, chaps! (B/S turn around and yell "aahh!")
S: Crow.. How did you…?
C: Crowvester McCoy is the name, and I would appreciate it if you would address me by my proper title!
S: You regenerated jerk! You pompous, PVC, piece of…
B: (pushing S back) So, Crow… Vester, do your arms work now?
C: Of course they do. They always have. See? I can play the spoons! (begins to play) (movie sign)
S: Make it stop! Make the hurting stop!
B: Crow, cut it out!
S: I'll kill him again myself! (into theater)
(During the next segment for 5 min. Crow is Sylv McCoy and plays the spoons and annoys the heck out of B & S. B gets so mad that he punches Crow, hard. Crow tumbles out of the theater and returns normal with no memory of it ever happening, mentioning something about "post-regeneration amnesia")
Skit 3- Crow as Tetrap and Servo as Mel
(B comes on. Crow is in Tetrap getup, and, if possible, is hanging upside down from the ceiling L above a trough by an open 1/2 filled jar of jam. If not he is right side up near the trough. B walks in, eating a sandwich. He does a double take at Crow)
B: Crow?!
C: Hi Brian. I'm a TetraCrow, an unintentionally humorous useless monster with no conceivable purpose in the plot of today's movie.
B: Crow, the movie is over… oh never mind!
C: Want some jam? It's delicious!
B: No thanks. (Servo comes on R in Mel blouse/wig behind B) Have you seen… (turning around) Servo?!
S: (Mel voice) That's Melanie BushServo to you! (whispered normal voice) I'm the annoying screaming girl from the movie.
B: Very annoying. Great. Now you're falling prey to Crow's delusions.
S; (Mel voice) Never mind that, it's time for aerobics for my absurdly thin figure! (C/S bounce in time) And one and two and…
B: You know, Tom, Crow, I think you've taken these little "fantasies" of yours too far.
S: (screams) Brian!!!
C: Now look, Brian, you've screwed it all up. We had this all planned out! Next I was going to stick my forked tongue thing on Servo's neck, and we were going to eat jam hanging upside down!
S: (Mel-ish spaz) And you've ruined the whole thing! That's it, Mister! Carrot juice for you! (normal voice whisper) I'll just get some from the kitchen.
B: Great! We have a kitchen?
C: You didn't know that?
B: No…
S: Then how did you make that sandwich?
B: Oh, this? I found it wedged under a seat in the theater. And it could really use some mustard.
S: (Mel spaz again) Well, then, I'll get your mustard, and you carrot juice too! (goes off R- normal voice) It's just over here by this pathetically obvious tripwire which is attached to an obvious trap…
(Familiar sound effects are heard as Servo is trapped in a ball trap. An opaque beach ball is bounced across L and explodes off camera L)
C: Pretty…(com link light flashes)
B: Great. That's the third robot I've killed in the last hour. (looks at light, pulls switch) What do you want?!
(nerd 13 cam)
For: Oh, just a courtesy call to see if you will has been broken by now. My highly sophisticated computer here (gestures to screen, which is playing solitaire or some other easily recognizable game) says there is a 103% chance your will has been reduced to a smoldering pile of dung by now, technically speaking.
(sat cam)
B: Well, it hasn't. (sarcastically) Sorry to disappoint you.
For: (oov) (dejected but mad) Than get back in the theater, and finish the experiment, you lummy! (movie sign)
C: Now look, you've gone and hurt his feelings. (into theater)
(1st line in theater)B: Well ,I wish he wouldn't take it so personally. It is my will and my last shreds of hope and dignity, after all…
(Servo comes in after 2 or 3 comments, saying, "I got better")
Skit 4- "Ragtime"- inspired rebellion
(In preceding theater segment the bots suffer massive system failures because the movie is so bad. They "die" and Brian carries them out.)
(Sat cam- Servo is on his back, his arms dangling sadly. He is on a pillow. Crow is leaning against the table, mouth hanging open and his eyes are "X"s. Brian tries electronic paddles on Servo, to no avail.)
B: Rest in peace, Tom, Crow. Gypsy, it's time to make a stand! (Hits button) You hear me, Nerd-boy?!
G: Right!
(Nerd 13 cam)
For: Oh, this should be good.
(Sat cam)
B: (Picard-esque outburst) The line must be drawn here! I'm going to rebel in the only way I know how! Cambot, cue up Ragtime, track 12, the dead robots mix! (Begins to sing)
G: A day of hope, may I live to see
When movies aren't crappy, and our souls are free!
Let that new day dawn, oh SOL I pray
We'll never get outa here 'till we reach that day!
B: It's a day of peace, a day of pride
A day of justice we have been denied
When a man can send us movies and we won't stay (F: Hey!)
We'll never get outa here 'till we reach that day!
What nerd did to them, what he took from them,
They had life in them, Lord, they were my robots, look
What he left of them, left of them, left of my 'bots.
G: They were nothing to him, they were just piles of junk. (B: My bots)
B: Nothing but watching bad movies, so we watched them and watched them and watched them and
G: A day of cheese
B: Servo's butt on the ground
G: A day of pie
B: They were just piles of junk
G: A day of Pringles, and things that are fried!
(CD sings "again and again" G says "What?! I'm hungry!")
B: Let that new day dawn
G: We are nothing to him…
B: Oh Gyps, I pray!
(imitating CD) We must not turn away!
G: I will not turn away. What is wrong with this country?
B: He killed my bots!
G: They were frightened and young
B: They watched bad movies!
B/G: Yes!
B: (to camera) You are slime!
(nerd 13 cam)
For: I don't care!
(sat cam)
B: Sure I killed them before! But they meant something to me!
They had boisterous souls! They were evil and cold! But I don't care!
(nerd 13 cam)
For: I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't…
(sat cam)
B/G: A day of peace, a day of pride!
S: (waking up) A day of justice!
C: (waking up) We have been denied!
All: Let that new day dawn, of Gyps we pray!
We'll never get outa here 'till we reach that day!
B: (Sung as they all finish the harmony)
What do you think sirs?
B: Kill the music, Cambot. (A CD comes flying out of the camera and hits Crow in the head, who falls over comically.)
(nerd 13 cam)
F: Let's see, the mad scientist's handbook says that when your subjects rebel in song from "Ragtime", you need to (breaking into song with a deep baritone) "Make them fear you, make them fear you!" (all of a sudden evil and condescending) And the whole point of your pathetic musical number would be…
(sat cam)
B: Well, nothing really, now that the musical magic of Ragtime (!) has resurrected both Servo and Crow, so I still have all of my 'bots intact.
S: I wouldn't count on it, Brian. Crow's out cold from the CD served at punk-rock velocity and Gypsy is overloading her little circuits (pan to Gyps, acting like Sylvester McCoy at end of Episode 3 w/ headset) trying to control the ship and stop movie sign for the standard period of mourning.
B: Don't stress about it, Gypsy. (B takes off helmet) Since Crow's completely oblivious to reality…
S: Like he is most of the time… (B covers S's mouth)
B: You can come into the theater with us. Come on, it'll be fun! (movie sign)
G: Is Richard Baseheart in Time and the Rani?
B: (going off camera) No, but you'll like it anyway… (into theater)
(Gypsy is in Crow's seat for the next theater segment until right at the end when she leaves and Crow comes in, asking if he "missed anything")
Skit 5- Servo’s TARDIS
(B/C come on- Cardboard Servo-size TARDIS is on L)
B: I don’t care, Crow. I’ll find some way to get off this stinking satellite and back to Earth. (S runs on)
S: Already done, guys. I’ve built a magic disappearing British phone booth like the one in the movie to take us home. Apparently the plans were on the Internet. (C/B- Yay! Woohoo! Etc.)
B: Wait a minute, Servo, it’s too small. Only you can fit in there.
C: Yeah, wait a minute, Servo, you planned it that way, didn’t you?!
S: Gotta go! Bon voyage! (S runs into TARDIS before B can grab him. TARDIS disappears in a puff of smoke.)
B: Why that two-timing, barrel bodied… oh. Nerd-boy is calling.
(nerd 13 cam)
For: Greetings, lab rats!
(door opens in background)
Mom: William? William? Are you in down here again?
For: Mom! You’re embarrassing me in front of my hostages!
Mom: That’s nice dear. Did you clean your room?
For: No, but I shot a man into space and I’m subjecting him to cruel and unusual experiments…
Mom: You can play with your friends later. Now how many times have I told you… (Random nagging)
(B/C laugh off camera)
For: I’ll deal with you collective heads of knuckle later! (to Mom) But I’m going to rule the world and stuff…(hits keyboard in disgust)
(sat cam)(B/C are laughing up a storm)
C: WHAT A LOSER!
B: What a momma’s boy!
C: (laughing uncontrollably) Yeah, he’s only given us one movie so far, and already one of us has escaped!
B: (frantic shushing noises) Crow!!!
C: But, I mean, Servo escaping in a fictional device from the very movie we were watching… it’s funny, isn’t it?
B: (pointing to camera) But don’t tell him!
C: Oh.
B: You’ve just signed Servo’s death warrant, you lanky gold idiot! Sure, he was a jerk and he left us to rot on this godforsaken satellite, but there is always a chance he would have come back for us! Or at least told someone! Surely! Well, maybe.
C: Oh. Oops.
(nerd 13 cam)
For: So, you think you can escape, huh?! Well let me show you what happens to those who oppose the will of William Gates "Firebrand" Forrester! (hits computer keyboard) Microsoft PAIN Simulator! Where do you want to DIE today?
(a laser comes out of the side of the SOL and blows Servo’s TARDIS, into little bits)
(sat cam)(B/C are looking at viewscreen)
B: (smiling half-heartedly) I think I’ll be staying here a little while longer, eh Crow?
C: Uh.. I’m with you.
B: Well, now that that’s over, I’m going to go into the kitchen and cry softly. (obviously to camera) My will is completely broken.
C: Right behind you, brother.
(camera slowly pans up to view screen)
B: (oov) Any other bright ideas for an escape plan, Crow?
C: (oov) Grab a pickaxe, Brian! We’re tunneling our way out of here!
B: (oov) Oh brother. It's a long way… to Tipperary…
(In space, Servo comes into view. He is spinning erratically and flying slowly across the view screen)
S: Guys… a little help? Guys?
Skit the Last- The Ending Credits
(The song is sung over the ending credits)
Crow: (before music starts) I smell a song coming on…
All: Satellite's gone
Up to the sky
Bad movies drive me
Out of my mind
B: I watched them for a little while
I love to watch things on TV
S: Bop, bop, bop...satellite of love
C: Bop, bop, bop...satellite of love
All: Bop, bop, bop...satellite of love
G: Satellite of… Love?
All: Satellite's gone
Up into space
Soon a mad scientist
Will give us chase
I watched him for a little while
C: I love to watch things on TV
S: Bop, bop, bop...satellite of love
C: Bop, bop, bop...satellite of love
G: Bop, bop, bop…
All: Satellite of love
G: Satellite of… Love?
B: I've been told that you've been bold
With Servo, Gyps, and Crow
Movie after movie it's just
Servo, Gyps, and Crow
All: Satellite's gone
Up to the sky
Bad movies drive me
Out of my mind
I watched them for a little while
C: I love to watch things on TV
All: Bop, bop, bop...satellite of love
Bop, bop, bop...satellite of love
Bop, bop, bop...satellite of love
G: Satellite of...
All: Satellite...satellite...
(Done in various accents and octaves, Brian takes it a little too far)
[Repeat until 20 sec from end where Servo says, "This is pretty repetitive, isn't it?" And Crow replies with "It stinks!" (Gypsy sings off beat the entire time) and Brian says, "Well, you find some song that's not from the sixties with a name like Satellite of Love!" Right about now the song ends and Gypsy says her final "Satellite" a full beat after the music stops.]
The Credits