Grade: D
Who watched those classic Scooby-Doo Mysteries with guest stars Don Knotts, ‘Mama’ Cass Elliot, and the Harlem Globetrotters? Who secretly watched The Jetson’s Meet the Flintstone’s, over and over on Cartoon Network? Who tuned in for “very special” episodes that featured Ally McBeal practicing on The Practice and the cast of ER on adding a little melodrama to the Third Watch? I’ll tell you who, me. Of all the fads of decades past, this one has to be my favorite. And believe me, I know them all, (thank you, I Love the 70’s and I Love the 80’s). So heading into Freddy Vs. Jason, I was hoping to revel is all the campy glory that the movie showed all the signs of containing. All I can say is that I was once again duped by crafty marketing. Freddy Vs. Jason is a boring and disappointing horror movie, that fails in every possible way to capitalize on any of its promise.
Combining these two horror legends is the closest thing to a fresh idea that the horror genre has seen in quite some time. Jason was last seen on screens in 2002, in the very disappointing Jason X, and Freddy hasn’t appeared since Wes Craven attempted to give the “Nightmare on Elm Street” franchise a face lift with Wes Craven’s New Nightmare. To show studios how desperate they are for anything inventive or new, the horror-junkies came out in droves to propel FvJ to a 36 million dollar weekend! Does this mean the film is quality? Hell no.
The parents of Elm Street have found a way to end the terror of Freddy Kruger: drugging the children, with a dream suppressant. (Why not just move to another street?!) Without his “children” fearing him, he has lost all power. In order to strike fear back into Elm Street, Freddy decides to trick the terror of Camp Crystal Lake, Jason Voorhees, into slaying some naughty teens so the parents will believe that Freddy has returned. Things don’t go exactly to plan, as Jason gets a little knife happy and starts to kill ALL the teens, enraging Freddy; and that's when Jason finds out that Freddy has used him, which really makes him pissed. So, it's up to teens Will Rollins (Jason Ritter), Lori Campbell (Monica Keena), and Kia (Kelly Rowland), to not only stay alive, but instigate a battle between the Titans of Terror that they hope will lead to the annihilation of both mass killers.
It really isn’t hard to make a competent horror movie, but it seems that the writer’s of this trite dribble are either A) Preschoolers, B) Have missed every single horror movie from the 1950’s to today and subsequently think what they have written is unique, or C) Are stoned out of their minds. For the majority of the movie, FvJ plays out like your typical teen-slasher pic, and not even a good one to boot! The dialogue is beyond tedious, and even Freddy (who is known for his morbid wit) utters lines like "the 'first time' is always messy" and "Ohh! Dark meat!" which are not even fit for a bad episode of “Last Comic Standing”.
As bad as the first third of Freddy Vs. Jason was, there was still the one crucial piece to the puzzle that could make or brake this movie. Why did this particular horror movie gross so much on its opening weekend? The reason is because people wanted to see the battle to end all battles, the confrontation between these two screen legends that has been 20 years in the making. Was the wait worth it? Well, no. Although the last third of the movie, (which features Freddy and Jason going at it) is certainly the bright spot of this otherwise disastrous movie, it still wasn’t as effective as it could have been. The teenagers who survived the first two-thirds of the film are running around and just getting in the way. Freddy and Jason spend two much time slicing up mediocre pop stars (Kelly Rowlands, that means you) than they do each other.
I consider a truly scary movie to be a film that sticks with you for days; you can‘t close your eyes at night, going out to the garage or down to the basement at night is a traumatic experience, and looking behind you becomes a common movement. While I admit I get scarred at the theater very easily (I actually screamed during Bringing Down the House), hardly any recent movie has fulfilled any of the criterion above, and Freddy Vs. Jason is certainly no exception. The final battle between Freddy and Jason is the best part of the movie, that isn’t saying much for the overall quality. As I was in the car heading to see this film, my friend and I were discussing whom we thought would come out victorious in the titular encounter. While I won’t tell you who does in fact win, I will tell you who loses: the audience.
© 2003 Jacob Sproul
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