A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!"he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning." A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story. "Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied. "Oh, I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know anything about cars." Two truck drivers are sitting in a restaurant and one asks the waitress for a cow tongue sandwich. The other truck driver says "Oh that's gross! Don't you think about where your food comes from?! That comes right out of a cows mouth! That's just disgusting! Waitress I'll have two eggs" Flanagan's wife had been killed in a car accident and the police were questioning him. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "Ah yes! she spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman. Girlfriend: "And are you sure you love me and no one else?" Boyfriend: "Oh yeah! I checked the whole list again yesterday". A woman was on her way to church one Sunday when she slipped on the steps and fell down. Her legs went out from under her, and her dress flew up over her head. The woman was extremely embarrassed and quickly tried to get up. As she was trying to get herself back together, she looked up and saw the priest coming out of the church. "Pardon me father, "the woman said, "but is mass out?" The priest replied, "Nah, but your hat is on kinda crooked." A doctor was speaking to a patient's wife. "Your husband needs absolute peace and quiet," he explained, "so here are some sleeping pills." "Oh thank you," the woman exclaimed, "When do I give them to him?" "Oh they're not for him," the doctor answered, "They're for you!" It was graduation day and a mother was trying to take a picture of her son in his cap and gown, posed with his father. "Try to make this look natural," she said. "Son, put your arm around your dad's shoulder. " The father quickly responded, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?" A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes indeed, there's a very nasty bug going around.