Office Job requirements and what they really mean:

"Apply in person":
If you're old, fat or ugly you will be told the position has been filled.

"No phone calls please":
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience:"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"Problem-solving skills a must":
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"Requiress team leadership skills":
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good communication skills":
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

"Competitive salary":
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join our fast paced company":
We have absolutely no time to train you.

"Casual work atmosphere":
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"Must be deadline oriented":
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some overtime required":
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"Duties will vary":
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an eye for detail":
We have no quality control.

"Career-minded":
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Employee Comments and what they really mean:

"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization":
I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'm honest, hard-working and dependable":
I pilfer office supplies.

"My pertinent work experience includes":
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I take pride in my work":
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'm personable":
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.

"I'm extremely professional":
I carry a Day-Timer.

"I'm adaptable":
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I am always on the go":
I'm never at my desk.

"I'm highly motivated to succeed":
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

"I'm a real go-getter"
What I really want to do is sit around and wait for something to happen.