Michelle's Page o' Humor

MICHELLE'S DISCLAIMER: People, lets be reasonalbe here. This is a page for jokes. As with all jokes, THEY AREN'T MEANT TO BE SERIOUS; THEY'RE JUST JOKES! If you find them offensive, then don't keep reading them like an idiot. Just in case any feelings do get hurt, it is sincerely unintentional on my part.

Ok, for all the people out there with a sense of humor...here are my jokes:

A farmer went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you - Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said,"I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word strutted into the henhouse.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself."

But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. The next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy." "Shhhhh" Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolor hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart......didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

>>> A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks for two tattoos. The first tattoo she requests is that of a turkey on the inside of her left thigh and the second is that of a Christmas tree on the inside of her right thigh.

The man agrees to do the tattoos but is curious, that of all the tattoos he could do, "why," he asks, "do a turkey and a Christmas tree?"

The women replies, "My husband is always complaining that there is never anything to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

There were three guys that died and went to heaven. The first went up and then God said, "You have committed adultery so you shall own a bike."

The second guy comes up and God says, "You have almost committed adultery so you shall own a motorcycle."

The third guy goes up and then God says, "You have only thought about adultrey so you shall get a Porche!"

The first guy comes up to the man in the Porche and starts laughing and the man in the Porche asks, "Why are you laughing? You only got a bike!"

> The guy on the bike says, "I just saw your wife on a skateboard!"

I wish... A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills.

The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish ... I'd like to give birth to twins."

Two old ladies were smoking a cigarette while waiting for a bus. It started to rain, so one old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey, that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?" When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell condoms?"
The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball big time, but her wicked old stepmother wouldn't let her. As Cindy sat crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide her with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, naive little Cinderella, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees,"What is the second condition, fairy godmother?"

"You must be home by no later than 2:00 AM. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin!" (Editor's note: ouch!)

Cinderella happily agrees to be home by 2:00 AM, and away she goes to the ball. Soon the appointed hour comes and goes, and no Cinderella.

Finally, at 5:00 AM, Cinderella shows up looking *very* satisfied. "Where in the world have you been?", demands the godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!"

"I met a wonderful prince, fairy godmother,"sighed Cinderella, "he took care of everything."

The fairy godmother growled, "I know of no prince who has enough power to usurp my spell! What was his name?"

"I can't remember exactly......Peter - Peter, something or other..."

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"
The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"
The guy says,"Every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole"... I give the missus a quick one, and then go to work.

On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.

Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls.

At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boinking.

For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches.

Then at night, I give the missus another screw......

"So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???"

The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"

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