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God's View on Oral Sex
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth,
St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.
"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner.
There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it-a regular Sodom and Gomorra.
But the worst is this obsession with oral sex.
According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex.
The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgment Day if they do not stop this type of activity." Replied St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it.
Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people."
And so they did.
Do you know what the letter said?
No?
Hmmm, So, You didn't get the letter either, huh?
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Safe Sex
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Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor sex, in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all crose."
So she did.
"Now, get down on all fours and crawl reery fass to the other side of room."
So, she did.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawl reery fass to me," so she did.
Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said "Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease... worse case I ever see...that why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
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Go Fly A Kite
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down.
This goes on for awhile when his wife sticks her head out of the
front door and yells, "You need more tail".
The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother.
I told her yesterday I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"
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Big Ass Grill
A couple had been married for 15 years.
One afternoon they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said
"Hey, Honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."
The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick
measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep", he said, "just what I thought. Just about the same size."
The wife was furious and decided to let him do the gardening alone.
She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said,
"How about it honey?" Wanna fool around?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter?"
To which she replied,
"You don't think I'm going to fire up this Big Ass Grill for one little weenie, do you?"
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One thing we can surely say.
Is that Clinton is the best F---ing president we've ever had!
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Caught Masturbating
A father catches his son masturbating.
He says, "Don't do that, son, or you'll go blind."
The kid says, "Dad, I'm over here."
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That Old
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
To his dismay, there were thousands of people
ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate
and came down the long line to where the lawyer was,
and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer
by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line,
and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention,
but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours
for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation
you must be about 193 years old!"
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