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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing
nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks,
"Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck on a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach ?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple had finished, the doctor said, There is nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse. And he charged them $20.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally
the doctor asked, Just exactly what are you trying to find out?
The old man said, We're not trying to find out anything. She is
married, and we can't go to her house. I am married, and we can't go to my
house.
Holiday Inn charges $32.00. Hilton Hotel charges $37.00. We do it
here for $20.00 and I get $18.00 back from Medicare for a visit to the
doctor's office.
All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with
your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to
go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!)
the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he
said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to
call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that
he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the
bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.
"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly replied. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
An old man went into the Social Security Office and filled out an
application.
He was too old to have a birth certificate, so he was asked to prove his
age.
He opened his shirt and showed them the gray hair on his chest.
They accepted that as proof, and give him his first check.
He went home to his wife, showed her the check, and explained to her
what had happened. She replied, "Well get back down there, pull down your
pants, and see if you can also get disability!"
One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."
One day, a little old lady walked into a sex shop.
The clerk couldn't help notice her, first,
because she reminded him of his dear old grandmother,
and second because she was twitching violently
and trembling, as if she had some kind of nervous disorder.
"Young m-m-m-man?" she stammered to the clerk,
"Do you sell v-v-v-vibrators here?"
"Yes ma'am, we do,"
he replied, a little embarrassed.
"B-b-b-big fl-fl-fluorescent oh-oh-orange ones?"
"Yes ma'am, we have some like that."
"The t-t-type about s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-long?"
"Yes ma'am.
We've got just about any size you'd want."
"The k-k-kind that t-t-t-t-takes eight
D-D-D Cell b-b-b-b-batteries?"
"Yes ma'am we carry some like that."
"Well, c-could you t-t-t-tell me how the h-h-hell you turn it off?"
Two old ladies sitting on the porch at the old folks home? One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?
The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
3 old ladies
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes along, flings open his trench coat and flashes them.
Two have a stroke... but the third doesn't 'cause her arms aren't long enough.
Little old lady
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent". The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly." "Good", the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking.
They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.
After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed.
Afterward, they're both lying there, staring at the ceiling.
The old man is thinking...
"Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."
The old lady is thinking...
"Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home
and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast,
and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
'So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?' they ask.
'It's pretty nice,' she replies. 'Except they won't let you fart.'
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home residents.
They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home.
The other woman said that her sex life was great!
"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my Head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"
Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!"
When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off All her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move. It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom.
With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells, "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth back in, you look like an Asshole!"
(submitted by deb) on 6/09/99
An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing home
when the old man says, "I bet you can't guess how old I am."
The old woman says, "Okay, unzip your pants."
The old man unzips his pants and the woman sticks here hand
in and plays with his noodle for a minute, pulls her hand
out and says, "You're 89."
The old man looks at her in amazement and asks, "How did
you know that?"
The old woman says, "You told me yesterday!"
(submitted by Kristal)&(Janet)
09/10/99
Sam and Bessie are senior citizens and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of
alligator cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking
Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same old
pair of pants. What's different?"
Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely
naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice
anything different?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down
yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking
at my new boots!"
Bessie replies, " Oh! Well you shoulda bought a new hat!"
(Submitted by Marion)
The weather was very hot, so this man wanted
desperately take a dip in the nearby lake.
He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but since he
was all alone, he didn't care.
He undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming,
a pair of elderly ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.
He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket,
which laid on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front
of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him.
He felt awkward and wanted to move.
Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift,
I can read minds."
"Impossible," said the embarrassed man,
"You really know what I think?"
"Yes," the lady replied,
"I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it."
(Submitted by Voni)
A 75-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said "Take this jar home and
bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and
gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains,
"Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left hand, but nothing.
She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and
still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with
both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we
couldn't get the damned jar open."
(Submitted by Hugh)
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair all different colors
green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said, "What's the mater old timer, never done
anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied, "I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.
I was just wondering if you were my son."
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong
way on Highway 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
(Submitted by Voni)
The three old men were sitting around complaining
about how much their hands shook. The first old
geezer said, "My hands shake so bad, that when
I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old man one-upped him, "My hands
shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden
yesterday, I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing,
my hands shake so bad that when I took a pee
yesterday, I came three times."
An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office.
When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied,
"I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said,
"Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 75 years old.
What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued,
how in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's
orange juice and I sleep better at night."
An eighty year old virgin woman went to the doctor because she had an
itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, "You
have the crabs".
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was
an eighty year old virgin. She went to another doctor and explained her
problem to him. The doctor said, "You probably have the crabs".
"No" she said, "I am an eighty year old virgin." Frustrated, she went
to a third doctor. She said, "Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in
my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty
year old virgin. It cannot be the crabs."
The doctor said, " Jump on the table and let's have a look." After
examining, the doctor proclaimed, "Ma'am, you're right, you do not have
the crabs, this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies."
A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting
on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the
distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the
waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here
with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.
How Old? ~
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday, She spends
$5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she
stops at a news stand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the sales
clerk,"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?".
"About 32 " the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into MacDonalds and asks the counter girl
the same question. She replies,"I'd guess about 29".
The woman replies,"nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about
herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires
you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly
how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best
of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".
The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around.
After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?".
The old man replies, "I was behind you in MacDonalds!!"
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied, "I Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.
I was just wondering if you were my son."
One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm.
He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil.
Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a
goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his
purchases home.
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry
the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met
a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616
Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.
The little old lady said, "How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil,
two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Two old men sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat.
"How are you, Richard?" asked George.
"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied Richard.
"I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me."
"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George.
Richard yawned and said: "Well it does if you pull it a hundred times in
one night"!
Top 10 signs that your grandparents are still doing it
10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
3. You've just seen the photos in the "BeaverHunt" section of the May
issue of Hustler.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
1. Craftmatic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."
Two ladies one young and one elderly, were waiting at a bus stop to go downtown.
The young lady pulled-out a cigarette and began smoking.
Shortly after, it began to rain, so she pulled a condom from her purse,
cut the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette.
"What is that on your cigarette?" the elderly lady asked.
"Its a condom," the younger replied.
"Hey, thats a neat idea! Where do you buy condoms?" the elderly lady asked.
"Go to the pharmacy," she replied.
So they boarded the bus and proceeded downtown.
As they got downtown, they went their separate ways.
The elderly lady entered the nearest pharmacy and approached the pharmacist and asked,
"Do you sell condoms?"
"Yes," the pharmacist replied, reacting somewhat confused to why an elderly lady
was inquiring about purchasing condoms,
"what size are you looking for?"
The elderly lady replied, "I need one that will fit a Camel."
This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater
and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again,
I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
80-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what 's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Over time, the young man noticed the old man was staring at him.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.
I was just wondering if you were my son.
