A Little Something To Offend Damn-Near Everyone
Q: Why is eating pussy like being in the mafia?
A: One slip of your tongue and you are in deep shit!
Q: Why does a dog lick it’s penis?
A: Because it can’t make a fist.
When does a boy become a man in Iraq?
When his diaper moves from his ass to his head.
Bin-Laden
Q; What's the national bird of Afghanistan?
A; DUCK!
Q; Do you know how we can get Osama bin Laden?
A; Send the Jehovah Witnesses in after him.
Those people can find anybody!
Q; Why don't the members of Al Qaeda go out to bars?
A;Because they can get bombed at home.
Q; What do you call Osama bin Laden buried up to his neck in sand?
A; Not enough sand
Q; How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
A: You call them up and tell them you can't cum!
Q; Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.
Pregnancy questions.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children are enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and
genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as
well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be
beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A. No, not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for
life.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q; Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are a $1.39 and deer nuts are under a buck.
Q; What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...
(Submitted by Kristal)
What's the difference between Karate and Judo?
Karate is a form of self-defense and Judo is used to make Bagels.
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
How do you double the value of a Yugo?
You fill it with gas.
What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in....definitely!
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.
What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!
Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
Is it in?
How are airplanes and women alike?
They both have cockpits.
What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left
is a greasy box to put your bone in.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... Men will screw anything.
What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.
What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
What is the definition of wicker box?
It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
Q: How do you kill a circus in a hurry?
A: You go straight for the juggler.
A termite walks into a bar and asks,
"Is the bar tender here?"
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out burning ducks.
Q: If a chicken has feathers Only on one side, what side are they on?
A: On the outside.
Q: What do you call a chiropractor for pets?
A: An animal cracker.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
what didthe sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat it - we're closed.
Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal.
What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on
the outside?
A. K9P.
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snowblower coming
Q: Why can't gypsies have children?
A: Because their husbands have crystal balls.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q. Why didn't the skeleton want to cross the road?
A. Because he didn't have the guts to.
Q: What did the octopus say to his girlfriend?
A: "I want to hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand."
Q: Why did the walrus go to a Tupperware party?
A: Simple, he was looking for a tighter seal.
Q: Why did the Siamese Twins go to England?
A: So the other one could drive.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer.
Q: What do you call a girl on a beach with no arms or legs?
A: Shelly.
Q: What do you do when you break your toe?
A: Call a toe truck.
Q: Why was the Boy Scout kicked out of the scouts?
A: Because he ate a Brownie.
Q: What's the difference between Batman and a theif?
A: Batman can go without Robin.
Q: What's Beethoven doing in his grave?
A: De-composing.
Q: What do cannibals eat for lunch?
A: Chocolate covered aunts.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who fell through the screen door?
A: He really strained himself.
Q: Why did Buckwheat wash his cloths in tide?
A: Because it was to darn cold out-tide.
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: The tame way.
Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: It had too many problems.
Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a brick wall
A: Dam !
Q: How do you catch a runaway bra?
A: With a booby trap.
Q: What did the frog say when they asked him, "How deep is the lily pond?"
A: "Knee-deep, knee-deep, knee-deep."
Q: What do you call A fish without an eye?
A: A fsh.
Q: What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket?
A: Two points, just like anyone else.
Q: What did the Doe say when she came out of the woods?"
A: I will never do that again for a Buck"
Q: Why is a man smarter when having sex?
A: He is plugged into a genius.
Q: Why did the little girl put her Barbie doll on the grill?
A: She wanted to have a Barbie-Q!
Q: Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?
A: The wedding sucked but the reception was great!
Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: What do you call a mother who cannot breast feed her children?
A: A milk dud.
Q: What is the cross between an elephant and a rhino?
A: Elephino
Q: What do you call a retarded fish?
A: A Bass-tard.
Q: How do cowboys see at night?
A: They use saddle lights.
Q: Where do you find a no-legged dog?
A: Right where you left him.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
5/2/99
Q: What's the difference between John and Lorena Bobbitt?
A: She's crazy and he's just nuts.
Q: Why do Greek men wear gold neckchains?
A: So they know where to stop shaving.
Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard the referee was blowing fouls.
Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
A: An armadildo
Q: What's the difference between a cheerleader and a bowling ball?
A: You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.
Q. What's white and 10 inches long?
A. Nothing
Q; Men are like vacations
A. They never seem to be long enough.
Q. What does an accountant do when he's constipated?
A. He works it out with a pencil.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1egg?
A. They won't stop for directions.
Q. Why did God put men on earth?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q. Why don't women have men's brains?
A. Because they don't have penises to put them in.
Q. What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A. They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
Q. Why do men masturbate?
A. It's sex with someone they love.
Q. Why were men given larger brains then dogs?
A. So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q. Why did God make men before women?
A You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Q. Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A So he can tell if he is coming or going.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed
A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
Q: Why do hookers make more money than drug dealers?
A: A hooker can clean her crack and sell it again.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
A: Well-hung.
Q- what do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A- A licker cabinet.
Q: What's the difference between a woman with her period and terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: What's the definition of the perfect male lover?
A: He makes love until 2 a.m. then turns into chocolate.
Q: How do Greeks separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar.
Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.
Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
A: Cus no man would make those faces on purpose.
Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: "I'll be damned. We do taste like chicken."
Q: Why can't they teach drivers ed five days a week in West Virginia?
A: Because they need the car one day a week for sex ed.
Q: What's the definition of an Impotent Loser?
A: A guy who can't even get his hopes up.
Q: Why do men love cars better than women?
A: Because there's a better chance that their cars will turn over in the morning
Q: Did you hear about the new Marilyn Monroe stamp?
A: When you lick it, you feel like one of the Kennedys.
08/15/99
A few more quickies
Q; What's the easiest way to tell if a man is in love?
A; He divorces his wife.
Q; How do you paralyze a woman from the waist down?
A; Marry her.
Q; Did you hear about the promiscuous high school girl?
A; When everyone else was dissecting frogs, she was opening flies.
Q; Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?
A; So they can run their fingers through their hair.
Q; Why do girls fart after they pee?
A; They cant shake it so they have to blow it dry.
(Submitted by Sarah, Jim, Barb & dfx)
Winter Q & A
Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the
chimney.
Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
A: Because they were originally made for children but it's the
fathers who want to play with them.
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
A: You do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
A: They both have ornamental balls.
Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive?"
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and
call him names..."
Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male
reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
A: They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snow ladies ?
A: Snowballs.
(Submitted by Marion)
What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Just think, in a few million years Barney will be motor oil.
What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're
in the bathroom.
She hates sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat
folded up
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of
course, there's shipping and handling, too.
A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression
He Just Cleaned The Whole House
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is
that you end up at work.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people
to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries.
Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Panties aren't the best thing in the world, but they're right next to it.
Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might
try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I
needed was blinker fluid."
(submitted by deb)
I never exercise. I figure if God had wanted me to bend over,
He would have put booze on the floor.
A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Do deaf gynecologists read lips?
Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you
I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
