to top
..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
..she thought a quarterback was a refund.
..she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
..she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
..she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
..she thought cantaloupe was a marital problem
..she thought General Motors was in the army.
..she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
..she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
..under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
..she tried to drown a fish.
..she tripped over a cordless phone.
..she spent 20 minutes looking at the Orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
..she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
..she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
..she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK."
..she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
..if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
..they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
..at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
..she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
..it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes."
..if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
..she studied for a blood test - and failed.
..she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
..she sold the car for gas money.
..when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
..she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
..when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
..when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
There were 3 women swimming in a marathon in the English Channel.
All three were doing well.
The last leg of the competition was the breast stroke.
Well, it was tense, but the brunette came in first with the red head right behind her.
Way behind was the blonde and she was really struggling to get finished.
Some thought she would drown.
But she kept at it with all the energy she had and when she finished she was near death.
They had to revive her as she had taken on a lot of water.
When she finally came around she said ,
You know, I hate to be a poor sport about this, but I think the other two used their arms.
There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss (also a woman) left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught
6 blondes walk into a bar and order a bottle of champagne.
The bartender gets curious after the second bottle and asks them what they are celebrating.
One blonde says see this puzzle box, it says 3-6 years, and we did it in three weeks!
There is this blonde. She wants to sell her car.
She tells this to her friend. Her friend asks her how many the miles the car has.
She says it has 150,000 miles on it.
The girl says to the blonde, I have a friend that can crack open the odometer and change the miles to 25,000. She says cool.
So two weeks later the blonde sees her friend again. Her friend asks were you able to sell your car.
The blonde replies, why would I, it only has 25,000 miles on it.
Julie, a blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks alright?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie,
"That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde woman went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," said the sheriff, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for awhile?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant. "It went great!
First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening.
The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is
threatening to jump from a 40-story building, will jump.
"I'll take that bet," the blonde replied.
A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had,
indeed, jumped form the building.
The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident,
turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the$50.
No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars.
"The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand,
I saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."
"That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
A blonde with 2 red ears went to the doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.
The blonde answered " well I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang,
but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear"
Oh dear! Exclaimed the doctor in disbelief. But what happened to your other ear?
The blonde replied " The son-of-a-bitch called back.
A blonde woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said,
"Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though,
I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
A blonde purchases her first apartment and to celebrate she decides to cook her dinner.
While cooking the kitchen catches on fire.
The blonde calls the fire department and says HELP! HELP! my house is on fire.
The fireman replies, well how do we get there?
The blonde says well DUH in your little red fire truck.
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and
was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.
He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a
piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde
"stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face,
so he said "Oh you think that's funny. Watch this."
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks
every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad.
He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it.
He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas,
pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle 4 times."
05/14/99
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her.
They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants.
She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it.
Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide.
They wander into the next room.
She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it.
Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"!
The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide.
They wander further into the next room.
She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it.
Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says,
"Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.'
What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."
06/13/99
A very well-built, young, blonde lady was lying on her psychiatrist's
couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
I tried to be an actress and failed, she complained.
I tried to be a secretary and failed,
I tried being a writer and failed,
I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.
The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a
full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful
breasts, points it at the shrink, and says,
"Well, go ahead. I'll give it a try!"
06/14/99
A blonde walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn."
"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"
"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity....
What's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant
06/28/99
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do
you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,
"Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right
earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked,
"Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
07/05/99
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over
and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out
how to start it."
Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
So, the blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.
She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where
she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for second, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says:
"First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to
assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
"Second, I'd advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
07/07/99
Y2K Blonde
Dear Boss,
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions.
Because, to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K date problems make any sense to me.
At any rate, I have finished converting all the months on the company computer calendars
so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months:
Januark,
Februark,
Mak and Julk.
In addition, I have changed the days of the week and they are now:
Sundak,
Mondak,
Tuesdak,
Wednesdak,
Thursdak,
Fridak and Saturdak.
Is this enough, or should I change any other Y's to K?
Sincerelek, Kour SecratarK
(submitted by Jeannie)
Q. What's the difference What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A. You slap the mosquito on the ass and it will quit sucking
Q. Why couldn't the blonde get a driver's license.
A. Because every time the car stopped she'd jump into the back seat
Q: Why don't blondes talk while having sex?
A: Their mothers told them not to talk with their mouths full.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms over her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get hearing AIDS!!
Q: What's black and blue and lies in a ditch?
A; A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
Q: Why do blonds write TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q: Why don't blondes like using a vibrator?
A: It chips their teeth.
Q: What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes?
A: A translator.
Q: What did the father say to his blonde teenage daughter?
A: "If you're not in bed by 11:00, come home."
Q: Why do blondes prefer tilt steering wheels?
A: More head room.
Q: Why do blondes hate to wear earrings with big hoops?
A: They keep getting their heels caught in them.
Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A: She kept throwing away the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
A: They can't get eight cups of water into that little packet.
Q: Why did the blonde quit using birth control pills?
A: They kept falling out.
Q: Why did the blonde only change her baby's Pampers twice a month?
A: Because the box said "for 18 to 24 pounds"
Q: What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Never mind that, what was she doing out of the kitchen?
Q: If a blonde and a brunette both jumped off a building at the same time, who would land first?
A: The brunette. The blonde would have to stop to ask directions.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde has been using your word processor?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q: Why don't bosses let their blonde secretaries take breaks that are longer than 10 minutes?
A: Because they don't want to have to retrain them.
Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
Q: What do you call eight blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted flakes.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde says after sex?
A: "So, are all you guys on the same team?"
Q: What do blondes and computers have in common?
A: You never really appreciate them until they go down on you.
Q: Why does a blonde walk down the aisle on her wedding day with a smile on her face?
A: Because she knows that her blow job days are over.
Q: What did the blonde say when she got pregnant?
A: "Gee, I hope it's mine."
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They screw in cars.
Q: Why was the blonde excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in six months?
A: Because the box said 4 to 6 years.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: There are M&M shells on the floor.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What does a blonde's right leg say to her left leg?
A: Nothing. They never see each other.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: Introduces herself.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers into a bowling ball.
Q: Why do blondes wear long hair?
A: To hide the air valve.
Q: What goes "Vroom-screech, vroom-screech"?
A: A blonde driving through a flashing red light.
Q: Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
A: They can't get that little bottle into the typewriter.
Q; Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husband's car.
A: She burned her lips.
Q; did you hear about the blonde that went to California and saw a sign that said "Clean restrooms ahead."
A; By the time she hit the coast, she had cleaned 68 of them.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has sent you a fax?
A: There's a stamp on it.
Q; Have you seen the new blonde invention?
A: It's a solar powered flashlight.
Q: How do you get a blonde up on the roof?
A: Tell her the drinks are on the house.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: There's lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her I.Q. goes up.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A: They know how many men went down on the Titanic.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job will still suck after six months.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde has been dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide reciever.
Q: There are three third grade girls; a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. Which one has the best body?
A: The blonde. . . she's eighteen.
Q: Why did the blonde sell her water skis?
A: She couldn't find a lake on a slope.
Q: Why did nineteen blondes go to the movies?
A: Because the sign out front said "UNDER EIGHTEEN NOT ADMITTED".
Q: Why was the blonde guy arrested for indecent exposure?
A: Someone asked him to count to eleven.
Q: Why don't blonde women wear underwear when they cook?
A: To keep the flies off the food.
Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you get when you stand three blondes on their heads?
A: Two brunettes and a redhead.
Q: What did the blonde say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the fillup."
Q: What do you get when you have five blondes in a row?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you get when you have ten blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do a blonde and a 747 have in common?
A: A black box.
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of her bathtub.
Q: Why are there so many blonde jokes?
A: Because brunettes have nothing better to do on Friday nights.
Q: Why do women dye their hair blonde?
A: So they have an excuse when they do something stupid.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew both of them.
Q: What do you get when you stand a blonde on her head?
A: A brunette with bad breath.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.
A brunette says, "Look, a dead bird." A blonde looks up and says "Where?"
A blonde looked at her drivers license and got depressed when she saw that she got an "F" in sex.
(Submitted by to many to mention)
07/23/99
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before,
so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while
selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable,
and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen.
She got so mad and called the video store to complain.
Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's
nothing on the tape, but static."
Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes.
Which title did you rent?"
Blonde: "It's called, Head Cleaner."
(submitted by ginger )
A blonde women desperately looking for work goes into town looking for a job.
The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her
that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her.
The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.
The Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a
low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" production line and nothing else.
The woman happily accepts.
He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that
she should be in at 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts
ranting about the woman just hired.
After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the
assembly line is the Personnel Manager suggested that he be shown the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough
Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come.
Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired.
She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles.
They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes
2 marbles and starts sowing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel manager begins laughing and literally falls on the floor in hysterics.
Finally after many minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and
walks over to the new employee and says:
"I'm sorry! I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.
What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
08/17/99
A blonde goes out to her mailbox, looks in, closes the door
and goes back into her house.
A few minutes later she comes out, goes to her mailbox,
looks in, closes the door and goes back into her house.
She repeats this process several times before a neighbor
who has been witnessing this series of events says to her;
"You must be expecting a very important letter or package today."
The blonde answers; "No, I'm working on my computer and it
keeps telling me that I have mail."
(Submitted by Marlene)(Reba)
Two blondes are in a railway station.
"Can I take this train to Boston?" asks the first.
"No," answers the Railroad man. "
Can I?" asks the second blonde.
(Submitted by deb...the blonde one :-)
06/15/99
Three women are standing in a doctor's office waiting for their pregnancy examinations.
One is a redhead, one is a brunette and the third is a blonde.
The red-head says "I'm gonna have a boy 'cuz I was on the top"
The brunette says "I'm gonna have a girl 'cuz I was on the bottom"
The blonde quickly puts her hands to her face and says "oh no! I'm gonna have a puppy!"
( Submitted by Anonymous )
08/28/99
When I was in Vegas, I was at the bus station waiting for the bus and there
was a blond chick standing by the Pepsi machine.
She put a quarter in it and a Pepsi came out.
She said, "Wow, cool"
As she proceeded to put another quarter in, another Pepsi came out.
A few minutes later I looked over at her and she had hundreds of Pepsi's
all stacked around her.
I asked her, "What are you doing?"
She gave me a strange look and replied,
"Duuuhhh....I'm winning!"
08/30/99
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches
the blonde lady driver.
"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're
here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in
front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of
me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer
replied, "Ma'am ... that's your air freshener."
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten
were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should
get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would
die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll
get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off,
all of the blondes started clapping.
( Submitted by Kristal)
A blonde goes to a fast food restaurant for a cup of coffee.
While sipping it, she looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off game
piece. She pulls off the tab and yells, "I won! I won!
I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"
A waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible, the biggest prize
given away was a mini van!"
The blonde replies, "No, I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"
Next the manager makes his way over to the table and explains, "You
couldn't possibly have won a motor home, because we didn't offer that
as a prize!"
Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"
With that, she hands the prize ticket to the manager to read for himself.
Sure enough, the ticket reads,
"WIN A BAGEL!"
(Close enuff isn't it?)
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal.
I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed
his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped
the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A beautiful blonde woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
There was a hunter, red head, and a blonde. It was hunting season,
and the next day the hunter went out and got a deer. the red head
said "how'd you get the deer?" and the hunter said "i found the
tracks followed the tracks and shot the deer."
So the red head said "if he can do it I can do it"
So the next day she went hunting and she came back with a deer. and the
blonde asked how'd you get it? So the red head said i found the tracks
followed the tracks shot the deer.
So the blonde said if they can do it I can do it
So the next day she went hunting and she found the tracks followed
the tracks and came back all bloody and cut up and the hunter and
red head said what happened? So the blonde said i found the tracks,
followed the tracks and got hit by a train!
Why does a blonde eat beans on Saturday?
So she can take a bubble bath on Sunday
What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot!
Why don't blondes make Kool-Aid?
They can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into the little packet!
Q. Why did the blonde climb the chain linked fence?
A. To see what was on the other side.
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Miami to Newark,
the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines
has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take
an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed
and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry . . .
we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and
our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry...
we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and
remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife
something nice for their first wedding anniversary.
So he decides to buy her a cell phone.
She is all excited, she loves her phone!
He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde wife goes shopping.
Her phone rings and it's her husband,
"Hi Hon," he says, "How do you like your new phone?"
she replies, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell
but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
(Submitted by Daisy)
"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress
walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and
there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the
street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was
fractured, and there was blood everywhere.
Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows
thefirst blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers,
"That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his
profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture
for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect,
how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,
"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds,
"What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are
SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer
you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would
you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a
stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know
himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I
check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in
his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear
contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute
observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one ear."
Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how
stupid their wives were. The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so
stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth
of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big
enough to keep it in!"
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is
thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17 000 on a new car,"
he exclaims, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two
women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by
every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to
laugh when I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left
on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have
taken at least 5 boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"
A blond woman named Shannon found herself in dire trouble. Her business
had gone bust and she was in serious financial trouble. She was so
desperate that she decided to ask God for help. She began to pray.
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money,
I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night came and somebody else won. Shannon again prayed. "God, please
let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to
lose my car as well."
Lotto night came and Shannon still had no luck. Once again she prayed. "My
God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my
car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have
always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this
one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened, and
Shannon was confronted by the voice of God Himself. "Shannon, meet Me
halfway on this. BUY A TICKET."
Two blondes walked into a department store, stopped
at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle.
One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it.
"That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose.
"Yeah. What's it called?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What's that mean?"
A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"
Sharon took another sniff.
"That doesn't smell like come to me," she
said, offering her arm to her friend again.
"Does that smell like come to you?"
Suzy, Carol and Barbie..(an attractive blonde) were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks
one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They
bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The
following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Suzy won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet
spaghetti sauce. Carol was the winner of the second prize - six
month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Barbie won the
sixth prize - a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Barbie asked the others how
they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Suzy. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Carol. "And how's the toilet brush, Barbie?"
"Not so good," Barbie said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
The Other Side
There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river, then shouts back,
"You are on the other side!"
A blonde was driving home, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop.
The shop owner decided to have some fun, and told her just to go home and
blow into the tail pipe really hard & all the dents would pop out.
So, she went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe.
Nothing happened. She blew a little harder & still nothing happened.
Her roommate saw her and asked, "What the heck are you doing?"
She told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the tailpipe
in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, Hello! You need to roll up the windows first!"
