to top
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that? He said ...Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
My mother had morning sickness-after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said...I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him ... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright....you're ugly too!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them!
I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in.
Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.
Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married!'(walk off). That's how they mark their territory!
You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes!
My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They use words like 'Cripes!' 'For Cripe's sake! Who would that be, Jesus Cripes?
The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly'! I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning.
We can't help it! We just wake up and we want you!
And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?'
It's because we can't see you! We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve!
Mysteries of Women:
I'm out with my wife the other day. She says, 'My feet hurt.' I say, ' Well, why did you wear those shoes?'
She says, 'I didn't know we were going to be walking!'...Hello? Keep up with evolution! We're walking now!
Feel free to slither! She was wearing high heels, that's why. They are the worst invention. Aren't they, ladies?
I've heard that women wear those shoes because they make your butt and your breasts stick out.
Jeez. Why not just shove some shoes in your underwear, you'd be a lot more comfortable.
Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my god! He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?
I always feel
1000
awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach.
I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand!...It won't be long now..."
Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials!
The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know"!
It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know!"
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone."(Into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!"
(Hangs up, looking proud) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you are not sure about!
"This guy probably calls up phone sex girls at $2.95 a minute (into phone)"I'm not in the mood!"
Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine?
"Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too.
The thought for the day is 'Share the love!' Leave a message after the beep."
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love!"
1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage
situation?
3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
6. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said,
"The whole time."
7. So what's the speed of dark?
8. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?
9. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
10. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
11. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
12. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
13. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
14. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
15. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
16. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
17. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
19. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
20. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold
is it going to be?
21. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
22. Why are buildings called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be
called builts?
23. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
24. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know
You don't have?
25. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is
it expanding into?
26. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end
up owing you money?
27. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
28. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
29. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
30. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?
It sounds like a near hit to me!
31. Do fish get cramps after eating?
32. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
33. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of
Everything outdoors?
34. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
35. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
36. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
37. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
38. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
40. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when
someone threw a gun at him?
41. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
42. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing
liquid contains real lemons?
43. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
44. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
45. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
46. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
47. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
48. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
49. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
50. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
51. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
52. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
53. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
54. Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer?
55. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
56. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
57. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
58. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State B
1000
uilding.
One turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered
that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to
the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry
you around the building and back into the window.
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping
the bar.
The 2nd man says, "What are you, a nut? There is no way in hell that
could happen."
"No it's true," says that 1st man, "let me prove it you you."
So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the
street below.
When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building
and back into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd man tells him, "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must
have been a one time fluke."
"No, I'll prove it again," says the 1st man, and once again he jumps and
hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around
the building and into the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow drinker
to try it.
Says the 2nd man, "Well, what the hell - it works, I'll try it." So he
jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th,
10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a splat.
Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman,
you're a real asshole when you're drunk.
05/20/99
Hercules, Snow White and Quasi Moto were all having lunch together.
Hercules said, "I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world,
but how can I be sure?"
Snow White agreed. "I'm told I'm the fairest of them all,
but I sometime wonder."
Quasi Moto said, "I'm pretty sure I'm the ugliest human alive
but I've never had it confirmed."
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was
to pray about it that night and ask God to confirm for them whether
Hercules was the strongest, Snow White was the fairest and Quasi Moto was the ugliest.
They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Hercules walked up with a smile. "Well, it's true.
God told me that I am the strongest man in the world."
Snow White perked up and said, "And I now know for sure that I'm the fairest.
God confirmed it."
But Quasi Moto lifted his sad face and said,
"Who is Linda Tripp?"
(submitted by Reba)
Men get laid, but women get screwed.
Quentin Crisp (English writer)
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky.
A woman already knows.
Frederick Ryder
Women need a reason to have sex men just need a place.
Billy Crystal.
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only
put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)
Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women?
So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)
A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's;
her sexual desire, four times;
her intelligence, eight times.
Sanskrit proverb
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't
think there's a lot they don't know.
Women do. Women want to learn.
Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld
We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright:
to free his hands for masturbation.
Jane Wagner
March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.
Anonymous
You know why God is a man?
Because if God was woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.
Carrie Snow
Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
Remy de Gourmant (French writer)
A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses
hers after four kisses.
H.L. Mencken (American writer)
When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence.
When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to
let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her
have it.
B. Johnson
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single
and make thousands miserable?
Carrie Snow
God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for
her first question.
(unknown)
06/19/99
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the
big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,
"I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was
ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,
"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a
breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure,
Kemosabe"
and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the
bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says...
(...I JUST LOVE THIS...)
"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
(Submitted by DAD)
07/01/99
Little red riding hood is on her way to grandma's house.
On the way out the door her friend reminds her that the wolf is out there and if he catches her he will make her lift up her shirt and want to see her breasts.
Little red riding hood pulls a 45 calibur pistol out of her basket and says
"I don't think I will have any problems with the wolf."
Her friend nods in agreement and red heads on her way.
Arriving at grandma's she opens the door and steps in.
The wolf jumps from grandmas bed and says
"ALRIGHT LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD LIFT UP YOUR SHIRT
AND LET ME SEE YOUR BREASTS!"
Red pulls the 45 from her basket, points it at the wolf and says
"No way! You're gonna eat me just like the book says.
08/09/99
(This was the early sixties)
A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to
break into show-biz.
So the agent says "O.K. kid show me what you do".
The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an
acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.
"Great kid! Just great!" says the agent "I can do things for ya!
I think I can get you a show on T.V."
"By the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian".
"'Excuse me?" questions the agent.
"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.
"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is
gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian".
Well the young man is stubborn and refuses to change his name, so he leaves to
find another agent.
A few months later he returns to the same agent.
"Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent,
"Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes.
Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian.
So I've changed it".
"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"
The kid replies "Dick Van Dyke."
09/15/99
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and during her questions about
his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said
"Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree"!
Horrified, she said,
"Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly".
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here".
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an
almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the heck did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees first!"
(Submitted by Marion)
09/24/99
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry
Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman
Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry
Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be
Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to
marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Related to Quark on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name,
so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard
Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then
moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck,
divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of
Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she
would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing, assume the brace position immediately!
The three models start preparing for the worst.
Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.
Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What the hell are you doing fixing your face when we are about to crash!"
Claudia responds: I know for a fact that the rescue workers will search for and save first, the ones with the best looking faces, which is why I am putting on my make-up."
Cindy rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh, which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.
Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses?
Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die?"
Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save the women with big beautiful breasts, which is why I am exposing my breasts!"
Not hesitating, Naomi pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her "love triangle."
Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: Naomi, are you crazy?
Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"
Calmly, Naomi responds: "Ladies, please!
I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for is the BLACK BOX!
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it?
A death. What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young,
you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, and you party.
You get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a
kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go
back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating.
And finally you finish off as an orgasm." -- George Carlin
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated...
Please read the following carefully ...
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of
Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisonsin and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will
be in good hands with your local replacement that happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These
toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a
RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.
3. Bubba Claus, sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear On Comet, On Cupid, On Donner and Blitzen ... when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin
and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.
5. Ho, Ho, Ho! Has been replaced by Yee Haw! And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves respond, I Her'd dat!
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus, sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words Back Off. The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the
other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
Coming to Town"... This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all
the AM radio stations in the south. Those song titles will be Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox", Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want
for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack" and Hank Williams, Jr.'s "If
You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
SantaClaus
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
Thanks!
(Submitted by Reba)
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
-- Red Buttons
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-- Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an
idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
-- George Carlin
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
-- Carol Leifer
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise.
-- Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Dave Edison
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing,
a bank robbery has just taken place.
-- Johnny Carson
I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country.
Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head
to stop your headache.
-- Jack Mayberry
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I
lock every other one.
I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.
-- Elayne Boosler
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of
alphabet soup?
-- John Mendoza
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-- Jeff Stilson
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
-- Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there.
I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it,
maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of
the body before you do the wash.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God ... I could be
eating a slow learner.
-- Lynda Montgomery
(Submitted by deb)
_________________________
1. I can please only one person per day.
...Today is not your day and tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines.
I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
through a suitable application .....of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing a man is like needing a parachute.
If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself,
"Where the heck is the ceiling?
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good w/ketchup.
17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
(Submitted by Lynne)
Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game.
That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game.
With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of
sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of
$2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will
be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k),
he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the Olympics.
He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years,
he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
Game over. Nerd wins.
Snow White received a camera as a gift.
She happily took many pictures of the Dwarves and their surroundings.
When she finished her first batch, she took the film to be developed.
After a week or so, she went to get the finished photos.
The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
Snow White was so disappointed that she started to cry.
The clerk, trying to console her, said kindly,
"Don't worry Snow White, someday your prints will come."
What did Ellen Degenerous Say to Kathy-Lee Gifford?
May I be FRANK with you..
