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A minister of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware
that ships are addressed as "she" and "her".
He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed.
To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.
The first was comprised of women, and the second of men.
Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender.
They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the
masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still have to be told exactly
what to do.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited
a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The language they use to communicate with each other is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
5. The younger ones tend to be faster and less bulky.
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home.
The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck.
There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess.
Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table,
and a small pile of sand by the back door.
The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing,
and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.
He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how is day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked "what happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered,
"You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes, was his reply."
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
A woman comes home from work very upset.
Her husband asks her, "What's wrong honey, you look so upset?"
She responds, "I'm going to sue my boss for sexual
harassment!"
Her husband tells her that is a very serious charge and wants to know what exactly happened.
The woman replies, "My boss told me that my hair smells funny."
The husband says that doesn't sound so serious to him.
And the woman screams back at him,
"My boss is a MIDGET!!!"
Jane entered the kitchen one morning, reached to turn on the light, and it didn't work.
After replacing the bulb, still no light.
When John, her husband, came home, she said, "Honey, the light switch is broken. Could you fix it for me please?
To which John replied while displaying proudly the front of his T-shirt,
"Do you see 'Electrician' written on the front of this shirt?"
Jane said nothing.
The next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the cabinet door fell off today.
Could you put it back on for me please?"
To which John, of course, replied, "Do you see 'Carpenter' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"
The next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the water pipe under the sink is leaking.
Could you fix it for me please?"
Right! John replied, "Do you see 'plumber' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"
The next day John came home and the light switch was working, the cabinet door had been replaced, and the pipe wasn't leaking. John said, "I see you found some good repairmen".
To which Jane replied, "No, I just called the neighbor next door." John asked,
"Oh really? And how much did he charge?"
Jane laughed and said, "He didn't charge anything.
He said I could just bake him some "goodies" or we could trade it out in sex."
To which, of course, John asked, "Well, what kind of "goodies" did you bake for him?"
And Jane said proudly while displaying the front of her shirt,
"Honey, do you see Betty Crocker written on here anywhere?"
Things The Perfect Woman would say:
1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, and have my friend
.....Tammy over for a threesome!
5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15.I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go hunting with
the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20.Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Christ, not the friggin mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that
.....nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...
He said... Want a quickie?
She said...As opposed to what?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
Men become smarter during sex
because they are plugged into a genius
Men are like...place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like...mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like...Bike Helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like...Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like...Parking Spots.
The good ones are taken and the rest are too small.
Men are like...Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like...Laval Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like...Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like...High Heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like...Curling Irons.
They're always hot and they're always in your hair.
Men are like...mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like...Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women do?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, which do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
Wedding cake
A beautiful red head walks up to the bartender and asks to see the owner. He replies "sorry ma'am he's not here can I help you?" she states" no I really need to see the owner" a little disturbed the bartender again assures her the owner is not there and if the woman is positive he cannot help her. She approaches the bartender" well perhaps you could give him a message" "anything for you" he replies she starts to gently caress his face and very sensually traces his lips with her fingers, inserting them slowly in his mouth as he slowly licks and sucks them, she leans toward him and whispers "tell him there's no toilet paper or hand towels in the ladies room".
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris say's "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Oh yea! Did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
05/19/99
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."
TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
That pretty much sums it up !
Our last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
- - - - - - - - - -
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
- - - - - - - - - -
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
- - - - - - - - - -
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
- - - - - - - - - -
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping
on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in
four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish
I had your willpower."
- - - - - - - - - -
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mothers-in-law.
- - - - - - - - - -
Young Son: "Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
- - - - - - - - - -
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said
the same thing: "You can have mine."
- - - - - - - - - -
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
- - - - - - - - - -
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
- - - - - - - - - -
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
- - - - - - - - - -
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would
go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
- - - - - - - - - -
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
- - - - - - - - - -
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew
what real happiness was until I got married; by
then it was too late."
- - - - - - - - - -
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much
does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
- - - - - - - - - -
The bumper sticker read:
"I lost 210 pounds in one day, I divorced her."
- - - - - - - - - -
Women will never be equal to men until they
can walk down the street with a bald head and
a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful!
08/03/99
Jane entered the kitchen one morning, reached to turn on the light, and it didn't work.
After replacing the bulb, still no light.
When John, her husband, came home, she said, "Honey, the light switch is broken.
Could you fix it for me please?
To which John replied while displaying proudly the front of his T-shirt,
"Do you see 'Electrician' written on the front of this shirt?"
Jane said nothing.
The next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the cabinet door fell off today.
Could you put it back on for me please?"
To which John, of course, replied,
"Do you see 'Carpenter' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"
The next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the water pipe under the sink is leaking.
Could you fix it for me please?"
Right! John replied,
"Do you see 'Plumber' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"
The next day John came home and the light switch was working, the cabinet door had
been replaced, and the pipe wasn't leaking. John said, "I see you found some good repairmen".
To which Jane replied, "No, I just called the neighbor next door." John asked,
"Oh really? And how much did he charge?"
Jane laughed and said, "He didn't charge anything.
He said I could just bake him some "goodies" or we could trade it out in sex."
To which, of course, John asked, "Well, what kind of "goodies" did you bake for him?"
And Jane said proudly while displaying the front of her shirt,
"Honey, do you see Betty Crocker written on here anywhere?"
(Submitted by REBA)
A man takes his wife to the stock show.
They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.
They come up to the first bull and his sign stated:
"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband
and says, "He mated 50 times last year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year.
That's over 5 times a month, you could learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year.
That is ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365
times with the same cow."
(Submitted by Tara)
08/20/99
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort near a national park.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and
decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake. She rowed out, anchored the boat,
and started reading her book. Along comes the park ranger in his boat,
pulls up along side and says, "Good morning, What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself,
'Is this guy blind, or what?'
"You're in a no-fishing area," he informs her.
"But, officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all the equipment, I'll have to take you in and charge you."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," says the ranger.
"Yes, that's true...but you have all the equipment."
(Submitted by Daisy)
10/01/99
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a
shower. The husband realizes that he can't find the rake.
He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The husband first points to his eye, then points to his
knee, and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The husband repeats
his gestures.
The wife replies that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left
breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well there is no way in hell the husband can even come close
on that one.
Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the
hell was that?"
She replies... "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND -THE BUSH!"
(Submitted by Kristal)
A man is like a fine wine.
He starts out raw as grapes and it's a woman's job
to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd
like to have dinner with.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls say, "Don't... Stop..."
Bad girls say, "Don't Stop..."
1.) In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2.) You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3.) You time your orgasm so that:
a) You're partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss Sports Center
4.) Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife need ever find out about
5.) Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6.) Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the
last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7.) You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8.) Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A long line is to an amusement park ride
9.) Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone..."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10.) A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
(Submitted by Anonymous)
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife-Cold as Ever.'"
"Yeah, well when you die I'm getting you a headstone that reads, '
Here Lies My Husband-Stiff at last.'"
(Submitted by EG)
How to speak about Women and be politically correct:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK
She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER
She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY
She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT
She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB
She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND
She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED
She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY
She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY
She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY
She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY
She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS
She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT
She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS
She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE
She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
How to speak about Men and be politically correct:
He does not have a BEER GUT
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS
He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a SEX MACHINE
He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG
He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES
He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT
(Submitted by Jack)
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was
driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed
someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,
the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women, stop reading here. Men, continue reading on.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving.
This explains why there was an accident!
(By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this brings up another point.
Women never listen!)
A man is driving up a step, narrow, mountain road
A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other the woman leans out her window and yells, "Pig!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and yells, "Bitch!"
They each continue on their way and as the man rounds the next corner,
where the man crashes into a pig in the middle of the road, flips over his car and dies.
If only men would listen!
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story
hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only".
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what
you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide
since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men here have it short and thin." The
friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men
here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so
the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All
the men here have it short and thick."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there
are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the
men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited
and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here.
This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they
came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the
following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A woman
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were
more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece
of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists
from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They
held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what
they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
The President of their society stood up and pointed at the first
drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that
this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You
can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles
a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them
till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort,
which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof
of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if they
had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they
would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be
the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled
and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement
with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and
said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the
writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that
Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...
Now, look again... When reading it correctly, it says: ...
"Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman."
Men are like.
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and
can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head
right for your hips.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the poop out of you.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like.....Noodles. They're always in hot water, they lack taste,
and they need dough.
Men are like.....Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware
store or the bathroom.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
John has been married just over a year when he decides he
wants to file for a divorce.
The judge says, "Please tell me why you're seeking a divorce."
John says, "Because I live in a two-story house."
The Judge says, "What kind of a reason is that?
What's the matter with a two-story house?"
John says, "I'll tell you what's the matter.
One story is 'I have a headache'
and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"
A guy says to a girl at the bar,
"I'm a car salesman, and if I don't sell some cars, I'm gonna lose my ass."
The girl says,
"I'm a hooker, and if I don't sell some ass, I'm gonna lose my car."
Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Words Women Use:
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour.
It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash,
so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.
'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care.
" You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine"
and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement.
"Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand.
She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead."
At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer.
A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.
You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks.
" A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you.
It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh."
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
There's a new study out about women.
85% of women think their ass is too big.
10% of women think their ass is too little.
The other 5% say that they don't care,
they love him and would have married him anyway.
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Europe.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am".
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious,
he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed -
it said: "It's 5:00am, wake up".
