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A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they save his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there is a nasty bug going around."
Growing old is mandatory;
Growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
My mind not only wanders,
sometimes it leaves completely.
Everytime I think about exercise,
I lie down till the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind I will live forever.
I finally got my head together,
and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week;
my schedule is already full.
The nice part of living in a small town is that
when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Sometimes I think I understand everything,<
1000
;BR>
then I re-gain consciousness.
Seen it all, done it all,
can't remember most of it.
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire
department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out.
The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department
could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire
department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be
of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire
truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the
middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck
and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon
they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze
into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's
work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he
presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the
department planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're
gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
(Submitted by Kristal)
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital.
All of a sudden, his car went out of control and crashed.
Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother; a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was.
His brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But, the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed out.
Since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and
said, "Well what did you name them?"
The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"
One day three little ducks were playing out side. A policeman drove up and
called one of the little ducks over to his car.
The policeman asked the duck what his name was.
The duck replied, "Well my name i
1000
s Duck."
Then the policeman asked him what he was doing.
The duck replied, "I'm blowing bubbles."
The policeman said, "Okay, but you need to quiet down,
and please send the next little duck over here. So Duck waddled over and sent
the next little duck over."
So, the next duck came over. The policeman gave him the same line of
questioning that he gave Duck.
This little duck replied, "My name is Duck Duck and I'm blowing bubbles."
The police man said, "Okay, but you need to quiet down and please send the next
duck over."
Duck Duck waddled over and sent the next little duck over.
The next duck waddled over to the policeman. The policeman said, "I bet your
name is Duck Duck Duck."
The little duck said, "Nope, My name is Bubbles."
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their
clothing when hiking in bear country.
The bells will warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.),
but be careful because they don't scare Grizzly Bears.
Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail,
paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert
for the presence of Grizzly Bears.
One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has
tiny bells in it.
One day a young man goes to apply for a sales job at a major department store.
He tells the sales manager that he doesn't really have any experience
but he is willing to try his hardest to learn.
The manager likes his attitude and decides to give the guy a chance.
So the next day the sales manager decides to stop in to see how the kid is doing on his first day.
He asks how many sales did you have today?
The salesman answers one.
How comes only one? asks the manager.
Most of my salesman have20-30 per day!
How much was the one sale you made?
The salesman answers $333,344.00
WHAT! What did you sell?
Well a guy wanted a small fishing hook so I sold him a medium fishing hook
then I sold him a large fishing hook.
Then he needed a rod so I sold him a light action rod
then upgraded to a medium action rod and then changed it to a fully balanced combo.
Then I told him he was going to need a boat so I took him to the boating department and sold him a 14-foot motor boat then upgraded him to a 20-foot cabin cruiser.
Then I told him that his Volkswagen wouldn't be able to tow the boat
so I took him to the car department and sold him a sport utility vehicle.
A guy came in for a fishing hook and you managed to sell him all of that? asked the Manager
Not exactly.
He came in for a box of tampons and I said
Hell your weekend is shot, why not do some fishing?
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe.
He spends years with them, teaching them Reading, Writing, Math, and Science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.
The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside
and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this
woman gave birth to a white child.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is
a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino!
Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one.
Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said,
"Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that black sheep and I won't
say anything more about that white child."
The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response
when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt,"
But now you can handle this situation with confidence!
Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt.
O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N.Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parent's objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says " I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me…" Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, dad- you're drunk!"
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting
around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says,
"You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
A woman, pregnant with triplets, is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily, the babies are okay.
The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was going to the bathroom and this bullet cam out", replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mom, I was going to the bathroom and this bullet came out".
Again the mother tells her not worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.
"It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out".
"No," says the boy. "I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
A young jock with long hair goes into the town's busy barber shop and asks,
"How long before you could cut my hair?".
The barber looks around and says, "About two hours!"
The jock quickly leaves, but comes back the next day.
"How long before you could cut my hair?", he asks.
Again, the shop's busy, and the barber replies, "Not for at least two hours!".
The jock leaves and heads off down the street in a hurry.
The very next day the jock comes in again and asks, "Haircut?".
Trying to help the guy out, the barber says, "Hour and a half!".
The jock runs out the door and down the street.
The barber watches and says to a friend, "Follow that guy and find out where he goes!".
Sometime later the friend comes back, chuckling to himself.
"Well?" asks the barber.
"Where does he run off to after I tell him how long it's going to be before I can cut his hair?".
"Your house!", replies the friend.
A fellow was touring Spain and stopped for lunch at a local restaurant.
While dining, he saw a scrumptious looking dish pass by.
It looked and smelled wonderful.
He inquired of the waiter what it was.
The waiter replied, "Ah, Senor, you have excellent taste.
Those are bull balls from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"
The patron, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish, thought, "What the heck, I'm on vacation," and then requested an order.
The waiter regretfully informed him there was only one order per day as there was only one bullfight each morning.
The waiter related further that if the patron returned and placed his order early the next day, he would be sure to have an opportunity to try the rare dish.
The next morning the man returned and much to his delight was served the special meal. Upon inspection and after a few bites, he noted to the waiter that they were much smaller than the ones on the plate the previous day.
At this, the waiter shrugged and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in
DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to
EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).
Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION
(M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our
HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING ( B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
PS. Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who need S.H.I.T. in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T., they have already had their fill of S.H.I.T.
Thank you for your time. Sincerely, The Director Under
1000
the Minnesota Bureau of Super High Intensity Teaching. (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.)
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
PREFERRED: Perhaps I can work late
OLD: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
PREFERRED: I'm certain that's not feasible
OLD: No fucking way
PREFERRED: Really?
OLD: You've got to be shitting me
PREFERRED: Perhaps you should check with...
OLD: Tell someone who gives a shit
PREFERRED: Of course I'm concerned
OLD: Ask me if I give a shit
PREFERRED: I wasn't involved in that project
OLD: Its not my fucking problem
PREFERRED: That's interesting behavior
OLD: What the fuck?
PREFERRED: I'm not sure I can implement this
OLD: Fuck it, it won't work
PREFERRED: I'll try to schedule that
OLD: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner
PREFERRED: Are you sure this is a problem
OLD: Who the fuck cares
PREFERRED: He's not familiar with the problem
OLD: He's got his head up his ass
PREFERRED: Excuse me sir?
OLD: Eat shit and die motherfucker
PREFERRED: So you weren't happy with it?
OLD: Kiss my ass
PREFERRED: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment
OLD: Fuck it, I'm on salary
PREFERRED: I don't think you understand
OLD: Shove it up your ass
PREFERRED: I love a challenge
OLD: This job sucks
PREFERRED: You want me to take care of that?
OLD: Who the hell died and made you boss
PREFERRED: I see
OLD: Blow me
PREFERRED: Yes, we really should discuss it
OLD: Another fucking meeting!
PREFERRED: I don't think this will be a problem
OLD: I really don't give a shit
PREFERRED: He's somewhat insensitive
OLD: He's a fucking prick
PREFERRED: She's an aggressive go-getter
OLD: She's a ball-busting bitch
PREFERRED: I think you could use more training
OLD: You don't know what the fuck you're doing
Now keep it clean folks!
5/3/99
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable
garden, but no matter what she did she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she
went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the man explained,
"Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the
tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to
her plants, twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
"So, " he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No, "she replied excitedly, "But you should see the size of my cucumbers
(submitted by Reba)
5/5/99
Three American businessmen were on a trip to Saudi Arabia when they stumbled upon a harem filled with gorgeous girls.
They went in and were getting really "friendly" with the harem-girls when the Sheik returned and caught them in the act.
He had them tied up and told them that they would each die in a manner befitting their professions.
"What is your profession?" He asked the first guy.
"I'm a policeman", he replied.
"His penis...Shoot it off!" the sheik shrieked.
"You...What is your profession?" He then asked the second American.
"I'm a fireman." he replied.
"His penis...Burn it off!" he bellowed.
The third guy simply stood there smiling.
"Why are you smiling?
Never mind. What is your profession?" he asked.
He gingerly replied, "I'm a lollipop salesman".
5/6/99
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.
So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step.
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!! "
At this the Texan drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
05/11/99
Science marches on ...
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of
female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and
observed that 100% of them:
* gained weight,
* talked excessively without making sense,
* became emotional,
* couldn't drive, and
* refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
05/16/99
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that
it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall, ran to the toy store and said to the shop assistant,
"How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she said "Which Barbie?"
She continues, "We have
Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95
Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95,
Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95,
Barbies Goes to the Beach for$19.95,
Barbie Goes Night clubbing for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $265.00
Ralph asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when al the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious" the sales lady said,
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture.
(Submitted by Tara)
06/08/99
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends,
A college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?"
One of his friends asked.
"That is the Talking Clock," the student replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the kid says, then proceeds to give the gong an
ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screams from the other side of the wall,
"KNOCK IT OFF, YOU ASSHOLE! It's TWO AM!"
(Submitted by Reba)
06/27/99
The other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.
The dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek.
Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. <
1000
;br>
She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of
his butt cheeks.
Now the attention is focused on me.
What could I do to top that?
I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me took over.
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass,
grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!
07/09/99
This guy is sitting at home watching Monday night football, when he hears this knock on the door.
Opening the door he sees nothing but a snail sitting on his porch.
Pissed at the interruption, he picks up the snail
and tosses it as far as he can across his lawn and goes back to the game.
Two years later.........
Another loud knock on the door.
The gentleman again answers and the snail says, "Hey! What was that about?"
(submitted by deb ...the blonde one)
07/03/99
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked
trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake
warming itself in the spring sunshine.
The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot.
I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any
three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance.
He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range.
He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable,
then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally,
I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunkhouse
you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way
to the bunkhouse.
He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like
Arnold Schwarzeneger's.
Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...
"My God, I was riding the mare!"
(submitted by Reba)
08/06/99
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must hav
1000
e
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, dammit, I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him
of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in
the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn
bank, okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and this Bitch is giving you a hard time?
08/07/99
A little mouse was running along minding his own business when an eagle swoops down,
swallows him and takes off again.
A few minutes later the mouse pops his head out of the eagle's ass.
He says Hey! How high up are we?
The eagle says, About a mile.
The mouse says you wouldn't shit me would ya?
08/12/99
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp. blah blah blah.
This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of
these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish."
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick.
Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to
visit"?
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the
logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of
the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel.
NO. Think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally he said, "I've been married and divorced four times.
My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and
what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why
they're crying, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking
when they say "nothing", know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four"?
(Submitted by Kristal)
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods
1000
.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.
The birch says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
08/18/99
A guy with a very black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a major black eye too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes.
Do you mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy answers, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the
world was there.
So, instead of saying 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh,' I said 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh.
Well she hauled off and punched me right in the eye."
The first guy replied, "Wow, this IS a coincidence!
Mine was a tongue twister accident too.
I was at the breakfast table this morning, and I meant to say to my wife,
"Please pass the box of Wheaties,"
But I accidentally said,
"You ruined my life bitch."
(Submitted by Dan) & (Melinda)
09/03/99
Two friends were playing golf, when one pulled out a cigar.
He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a
12 inch BIC lighter.
"Wow," said his friend, "where did you get that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes, I will," the genie said,
So the friend asks him for a million bucks.
The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there
waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken, and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his partner, "I asked for a million BUCKS...not ducks.
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing.
Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"
09/20/99
Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all
their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our
lives. Sam, you gotta do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to find
a way to get a message to me to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've
been my friend many years. This favor I'll try to do for you." And with
that Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep
when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe...Moe..."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly, "Who is it?"
"Moe, its Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died." said Moe, coming awake.
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you? says Moe.
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've gotta tell you, I've got
some good news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven."
"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday!"
(Submitted by Marion)
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident,
he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Eaton,
but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said
The policeman said,
"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Eaton said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir,
but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh, my god!" said Mr. Eaton, overcome by emotion.
Then remembering what the policeman had said, he asked,
"What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman,
"When we pulled her up she had two five pound lobsters and
a dozen good sized Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news then what's the great news?", Mr. Eaton demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted
an arm waving from the shadows of an alley
halfway down the block. Even before he
rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped
into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled
away, he was startled to see a dripping wet,
naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long
glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and
asked, "Just what the hell are you looking
at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're
completely naked, and I was just wondering
how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up
on the front seat, smiled at the driver and
said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie
asked, "Got anything smaller?"
A Master Card Commercial that never made on the air.
Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private dance and hotel room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to discuss your feelings... Priceless
(Submitted by Kristal)
In the beginning, there was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And the workers spoke among themselves, saying,
"This is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and
said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers,
saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very
strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors,
saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may
abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying
to one another, "It contains that which aids plant
growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents,
saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is
very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President,
saying unto him, "This new plan will actively
promote the growth and vigor of the company
with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw
that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that, my friends, is how shit happens.
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up.
One is a good-looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous
blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one
ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or
you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the
gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and
begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful
naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then
rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen
a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks,
"Can you top that?"
"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the
oil-pressure light is on. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the
first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk
around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona,
decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of
vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real
mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and
asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and
says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
(Submitted by kristal)
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went through the standard training, completed the practice
jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take
his first jump from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and
the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.
About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one
at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed
onto the door and refused to go.
Finally he called over the Jump Master.
The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five,
and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'
I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.'
So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out.
I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking
this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little at first."
(Submitted by Marion)
A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball.
So they advised their butler that they were giving him
the have evening off to do as he pleased since they would
be out until quite late.
The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife
Told her husband that she was horrible bored and that she preferred to
go home and finish some work for the next stay.
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some
very important people who were his new business partners.
So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the
Couch watching TV.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively.
She then told him to come closer. Then closer still.
She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress."
"Now take off my bra. "Next remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now remove my garter belt and panties"
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted
"The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned
the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want
to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are
small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha
doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck
on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The
barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in
one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel--it was great!
They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the
finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they
apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope
likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so
kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally
greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?
An usher in a very posh theater noticed a man sprawled across three
seats. "Sorry, sir," the usher said, "but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient and said, "Sir, if you don't get up from
there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just
groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly
back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood
over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, "All
right buddy," the manager said, "what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where did you come from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."
(Submitted by EG)
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
(Submitted by Voni)
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,
"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says
"Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't
because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is
Molasses."
(Submitted by Kristal)
