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On their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel
room. After making her preparations, the bride left the bathroom
to find the groom on his knees in front of the bed.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You better pray for endurance."
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her
mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully
place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot
until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short
pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.
The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride
to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got
ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her
suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She
exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
So there's this young guy that is getting married in a few days and decides to play baseball with his friends. During the game he is hit by a line drive right in the soon to be family jewels and is in terrible pain. His buddies rush him to the emergency room and the Doc takes a look and says nothing serious is wrong and in a week or so everything will be fine. The guy says he is still in horrible pain isn't there something the Doc can do? The Doc says, well I can go ahead and put a tongue depressor under your penis and another on top and wrap it with some tape. This will keep it from moving around and swaying and keep the pain down some. Good idea - so they do it.
On his wedding night a couple of days later he is in bed and his new bride comes in wearing a beautiful negligee and slowly opens the top. She says "Look at this, beautiful virgin breasts, firm and full with nipples erect and hard. No one has every touched or kissed these breasts because I saved them for this night and for you." The guy stands up on the bed, pulls down his drawers and says "Oh yeah, well check this out - still in the crate."
There once was a couple of newlyweds named John and Wendy. John told his wife Wendy that he wanted a tattoo! Wendy agreed and said that would be OK. John did not know what the tattoo should say or where he would put it. So Wendy said, "Well, if you REALLY loved me, you would get my name tattooed on your pecker."
John couldn't back out on that one, so he went to the tattoo parlor. The tattoo artist told him that he needed to have an erection while he put it on. After an hour of excruciating pain, the tattoo was done.
As John was on his way home from the tattoo parlor he saw a rest stop and decided he needed to stop and take a leak. He went to the restroom and looked down to admire his tattoo and he noticed that when he was not erect, the only letters that were visible, were the W and the Y.
Suddenly, a big black gentleman steps into the urinal beside John and John accidentally looked down at the guy and could not help but notice that he ALSO had the letters W and Y tattooed.
So John said, "Hey, I guess you have a girlfriend or wife named Wendy too."
The guys looked confused and said, "What makes you think that?"
John replied "Well I noticed the W and the Y tattoo -- so you don't have a girlfriend named Wendy?"
The black guys laughed and responded, "No mon, that tattoo says, "Welcome to Jamaica! Have a nice day."
05/17/99
Two deaf people get married.
During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.
"The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times."
05/28-29/99
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannia.
45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
08/05/99
A young newlywed couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where
they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.
They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife screeched,
"Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet?
"Your toes look all mangled and weird.
Why are your feet so gross? "
I had Tolio as a child, "he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked. "No, Tolio.
The disease only affected my toes."
The bride seemed satisfied, and they continued undressing.
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with you knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had Kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked. "No, Kneasles. It was a strange illness that only
affected my knees."
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me, " she said. "Let me guess..."Small Cox?"
(Submitted by Marion)
08/21/99
A newlywed couple just back from their honeymoon,
getting settled in they're new house and laying down some ground rules..
The husband states:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want
and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you otherwise.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin', and card-playing when I want with my old buddies
and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night
Whether you're here or not."
08/26/99
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession
to make." Your not the first guy I've been with.
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Who was the guy?" the husband asks.
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I as going to call room
service and get some something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love
with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to
the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get
something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again.
The guy slams down the phone,
goes back to bed, and makes love to his wife one more time. When they
finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts
to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's
par for this damn hole.
A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs for a romp?" the husband asked.
"Shhhh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to
do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other
in code. For example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing machine
door open' instead?"
So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the
washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it", replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she
nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door
open after all. Would you like to do some laundry?"
"No thanks" said the husband, "It was only a small load and I've done it by
hand."
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.
All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer`s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ``The women would say, `What a terrible tragedy` and I would nod my head and say "Yes it was." The men would then ask, `Can I borrow that mule?` and I would shake my head and say, `Can`t, it`s all booked up for a year.```
(Submitted by Voni)
A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when the husband says,
"Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your
body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"
She opens her robe and lets her husband see her naked body.
And he says, "You are so so so beautiful. Can I get the camera
and take a picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" she asks.
"Because I love you so so so much, and I'd like to keep your
picture next to my heart forever!"
She allows him to get the camera and take the picture. Then she
says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see
your body too. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"
He opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body.
And she asks, "Can I get the camera and take a picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" he asks her.
"Because I want to get it enlarged!"
