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Three guys were sitting behind three nuns at a football game.
The men tried to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move to other seats.
The first one says to the others, loud enough for the nuns to hear:
"I think I want to go to California. There are only l00 Catholics living there."
The second guy says, "I want to go to Washington. There are only 50 Catholics there."
The third guy says, "I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 Catholics there."
One of the nuns turns around and says, "Why don't you go to hell?
There aren't any Catholics there."
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy
rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"
Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him! We
finally get to ask him!"
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front
of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go
ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask
me, young man?" Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do...do
they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey,
ask him the rest!"
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey
continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few
black nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part,
Dopey, ask him the last part!"
The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah...are there, uh, are there any
midget black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there
are any midget black nuns in Alaska."
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing
hysterically and capering around the room yelling,
"Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"
05/23/99
A Cardinal ran into the Pope's office and said,
"Your Holiness, Jesus just rode into the Vatican on a donkey. What do we do?"
The Pope looked up from his desk and replied, "Look busy."
"Father Reilly," the mother superior reported,
"I just thought you should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent."
"Oh, good," the priest replied. "I was really getting tired of the Chablis."
What did Jesus do when he walked into the Holiday Inn?"
He threw some nails down on the counter and said, "Can you put me up for the night?"
Jimmy Swaggart is coming out with a new men's magazine.
But he can't decide whether to call it 'Prayboy' or 'Repenthouse'.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Someone who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells you to piss off!
(Submitted by Kristal)
Adam is walking down a beach, lamenting about how lonely he is...
"DAMN I'm lonely!" when suddenly the clouds part, lightning flashes,
and the voice of God booms down "ADAM..."
"YesLord?"
"Do you want... a woman?"
"Sure!" so suddenly, there appeared a beautiful woman... Adam was
so happy and smitten! They messed around a bit, touching, when
suddenly the primal urge overpowered them and they had intercourse...
After they were done, Eve asked Adam to go down on her...
"Are you crazy? Not with that 'stuff' in there! Go wash it out!"
So Eve ran down into the ocean and commenced the cleansing...
Suddenly the clouds parted, lightning flashed, and the voice of God
boomed out, louder than before...
"ADAM!!!"
"Y-yes Lord?"
"How do you expect me to get that smell out of the fish now?">BR>
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic
air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation
to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than
that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly,
since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges
with
good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by
an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always
been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting
of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know
when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David
Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity
of a pew.
An Army chaplain, walking through a notorious section of
town, saw a soldier exiting a known house of prostitution.
The soldier paused on the sidewalk and gestured with his
right hand in a manner familiar to the good Catholic
chaplain.
The chaplain promptly approached the errant soldier, saying,
"I'm sorry to see a good Catholic lad like you, coming out of
a place like that."
"Well, padre, I'm not Catholic," answered the GI.
"But I clearly saw you cross yourself as you came out of there."
"No I didn't- when I come out of a place like that, I always
check four things: My spectacles, my testicles, my watch
and my wallet."
Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.
Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them.
The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father,
for they know not what they are doing."
The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over,
She puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.
One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is." the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks." the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball." the little extortionist continues.
"Okay. How much?" the man replies, after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars." the little boy replies.
"Twenty-five dollars!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is." replies the man.
"Wan buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"Okay. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars." the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them." replies the little boy
.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars." the little boy says.
"Seventy-five dollars! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now.
You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness." The father explains, as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain,
sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here now." the priest says.
(Submitted by Tara...)
07/09/99
A priest is reading a dying man his last rites.
Solemnly, he whispers, "Denounce the devil. Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man says nothing. The priest thinks he might not have heard, so he repeats, "Denounce the devil!"
Still the dying man says nothing. Finally, the priest asks, "
My son, why do you refuse to denounce the devil, and his evil?"
The man hesitates before answering.
"Until I know where I'm heading," he says, "I don't think I want to aggravate anybody."
(submitted by Kevin Jessamy)
At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy
and your motorcycles have changed the world.
As a reward you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the Gate takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.
Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well, says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1.Tthere's too much front protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmm...." replies God. "Hold on."
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes
and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God
reads it.
"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur
Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention
than yours."
(Submitted by Tara)
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of Vodka next to the water glass. If I get nervous, I take a sip." So, the next Sunday he took the Monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, He got nervous and took a drink and proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. SIP THE VODKA, DON'T GULP.
2. THERE ARE 10 COMMANDMENTS, NOT 12.
3. THERE ARE 12 DISCIPLES, NOT 10.
4. JESUS WAS CONSECRATED, NOT CONSTIPATED.
5. JACOB WAGERED HIS DONKEY, HE DID NOT BET HIS ASS.
6. WE DO NOT REFER TO JESUS CHRIST AS THE LATE J.C.
7. THE FATHER, SON AND HOLY GHOST ARE NOT REFERRED TO AS DADDY, JUNIOR AND THE SPOOK.
8. DAVID SLEW GOLIATH, HE DID NOT KICK THE CRAP OUT OF HIM.
9. WHEN DAVID WAS HIT BY A ROCK AND KNOCKED OFF HIS DONKEY, DON'T SAY HE WAS STONED OFF HIS ASS.
10. WE DO NOT REFER TO THE CROSS AS THE "BIG T".
11. WHEN JESUS BROKE BREAD AT THE LAST SUPPER HE SAID, ": TAKE THIS AND EAT IT FOR IT IS MY BODY." HE DID NOT SAY, "EAT ME."
12. THE VIRGIN MARY IS NOT CALLED "MARY WITH THE CHERRY."
13. THE RECOMMENDED GRACE BEFORE A MEAL IS NOT RUB-A-DUB-DUB THANKS FOR THE GRUB, YEAH GOD.
14. NEXT SUNDAY THERE WILL BE A TAFFY PULLING CONTEST AT ST. PETER'S, NOT A PETER PULLING CONTEST AT ST. TAFFY'S.
There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her
business, so naturally she did a lot of flying. Flying made her
extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read
since it helped relax her on the long flights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her
Bible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked and went back to what he was
doing.
After a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe
all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside
the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to
heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple
wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked,
"Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up,
I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man,
"We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either.
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said
"I was cleaning the Fathers room the other day and do you know what I found?
A bunch of pornographic magazines"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well of course I threw them in the trash".
The second nun said, " Well, I can top that.
I was in Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms"
"Oh my" gasped the other nuns.
"What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them" she replied.
The third nun said, "oh shit."
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me
father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?
Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."
The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"
Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin
her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"
Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance,
but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four
'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat."
Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over
and whispers, "What happened?!"
"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary, and six
good leads."
(Submitted by Tara)
08/10/99
3 buddies die in a car crash.
They go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a
great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......
LOOK, HE'S MOVING!
(Submitted by Kristal)
An atheist was floating in a small boat on an isolated lake in Scotland.
Suddenly a huge form erupted out of the water under his boat, sending him
flying into the air.
The terrified man cried out as he fell towards the monster's dripping jaws,
"Oh Dear God, save me!"
A voice boomed from the heavens, "Oh, NOW you want my help.
Yesterday you didn't even believe I existed."
The man hollered, "Cut me some slack, five minutes ago I didn't believe in
the Lochness monster, either!"
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards
had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she
could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had done.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,
and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said
the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy.
And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun.
(Submitted by Sarah)
A preacher was telling his congregation that
anything they could think of, old or new, was
discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the
entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman
who said, "Reverend, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be
there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after service, the preacher
called the woman aside and showed her a passage
which read,
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Bethlehem."
(Submitted by Tara)
08/21/99
A man walked into the ladies department at Neiman Marcus.
Somewhat flustered, he shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and
stuttered, "Excuse me, but, I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
"OK. What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man
"There is more than one type?" Beads of sweat began rolling down his
back and forehead.
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a veritable ocean of
bras in every shape, size, color and material.
"Take heart," she said smiling. "You know, even with all of this
variety, there are really only three types of bras..."
Relieved, yet a bit confused, the man asked what were the types.
The clerk replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the
Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
More confused our hero asked "What is the difference?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses,
The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
09/12/99
A priest is playing golf, followed by his devoted caddie.
He takes a swing and hits the ball.
But while in the air, the wind starts to blow and the balls falls in a lake.
The priest, very mad, says, "Goddamn wind!"
The caddie, surprised, says "Sir, please, why did you say such profanity?"
The priest asks the caddie to forgive him, gets on his knees and prays for forgiveness from God.
A little later, the priest hits another good drive.
Again, the wind starts to blow and this time the ball falls in the woods.
The priest sighs and again, says: "Goddamn wind!"
The caddie, just as surprised as the first time, says, "Sir, please, do stop saying such profanity!" The priest then looks at his caddie, and raises his hands towards the sky, asking God to forgive him.
Suddenly, the sky covers with gray and dark clouds, there's a clap of thunder, and a lightning bolt strikes the caddie to death.
The priest, not believing his eyes, falls to his knees and screams to the sky:
"Oh Lord, what has this poor man done to make you so mad? God, I am the one who sinned!
My poor caddie did not deserve such a death!"
Then, a loud roar came from the sky.
The priest hid his head under his arms, scared of dying, only to hear a loud voice say,
"Goddamn wind!"
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ahh, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place." So
the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in
hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the
engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning,
flush toilets, and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He
should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm
keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where
are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied stripper.
When he walks into a room, they say, 'My God'"
A man was walking through a forest pondering life.
He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered.
He felt very close to nature and even close to God.
He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen.
So he asked, "God, are you listening?"
And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."
The man stopped and pondered some more.
He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?"
God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."
So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder...
Then he looked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars to you.
It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little."
The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said,
"God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replied, "In a second."
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St.
Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is
written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book,
furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name
written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do
you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type.
It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God,
so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for
the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good
deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this
one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of
biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and
sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this
poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron
out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was
a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket
and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to
the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to
get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him
over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and
yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone!
You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I
really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
(Submitted by Kristal)
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold
a contest, with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and began. They typed
furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours
straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of
lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the
power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and
cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display,
the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything,
yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody knows Jesus saves."
You know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN
instead of three wise MEN, don't you?
They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver
the Baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and given practical gifts.
Two ministers rode their bikes to the park every
Monday to discuss that Sunday's sermon.
One Monday the first minister asked the second
minister where his bike was.
The second minister said that he thought one of
his congregation had stolen his bike.
"That's terrible!", said the first minister.
"Who could have done it?"
Well, the second minister says, "I don't know but
it must be one of them cuz I remember riding my
bike to church last week and now it's gone!".
"I have an idea", says the first minister.
"Next Sunday, preach on the Ten Commandments.
When you get to the part about Thou shalt not steal,
really lay it on thick and whoever took your bike will
feel bad and give it back!".
Next Monday the second minister rides up on his
bike and the first minister says,
"See, my idea worked after all. I see you got your bike back!"
"Yeah," says the second minister, "I got my bike back.
Yesterday I started preaching about the Ten Commandments,
like you said. I got to the part about Thou shalt not commit adultery
and then I remembered where I left my bike!
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,
"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11
grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to
two 21 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were
in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"
(submitted by Reba)
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of
nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed,
he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down
to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he
shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an
old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick", said the boy,
"You won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery
dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been
tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable
To see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence
Tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last
"One for you, one for me." " That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by
the fence, and we'll be done."
They said the old guy made it back to town a full 5 minutes before the
young boy".
(Submitted by Jen)
A man is driving down a deserted highway and notices a sign that reads...
"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES."
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on.
He sees another sign, which says....
"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES."
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is
a third sign...
"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT."
His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway.
On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign
on the door that reads....
SISTERS OF MERCY
He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and a nun in a long black habit
answers the door and asks "What may we do for you my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly
doing some business," he answers.
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.
He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented.
The nun stops at closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this
door" and she leaves.
The man does as he is told, and another nun in a long black habit,
holding a tin cup opens this door. This nun instructs: "Please place
$50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway."
He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down
the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut, as the door locks
behind him. He finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
"Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy"
Submitted by Marion
11th comandment
Last week, God, Jesus, the Pope, Billy Graham, Moses
and his Messenger, Gabriel, had a very important meeting.
They were troubled by the President of the United States'
inappropriate behavior. They decided that the only viable
course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to
get their message across to him.
The problem they faced was how to word this new commandment
so that it equaled the other commandments in style and holy
inspiration. After great meditation and discussion,
they concluded that Number 11 should read:
"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
The Pope decided to grant absolution to three sinners.
The first person to come up was Howard Stern.
The Pope asked, "What is your sin?"
"I've offended people all over the country."
The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."
Next was Bill Clinton.
"What is your sin?"
Clinton said, "I cheated on my wife."
The Pope looks at him and says, "Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and
grant you absolution."
The Pope then asked a third sinner, "What is your name?"
"Monica Lewinsky."
The Pope said, "Maybe you should remain standing."
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation
has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie
and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do
not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask
forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit
this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart
you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body
that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and
her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend, there has been a terrible
misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."
Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, " it's the cobblestones."
One day a lady went into a confessional and said to the father, "Father I
called a man a 'son of a bitch.'"
The father then replied, "What did he do to you?"
She retold the story. I was walking down the street when a man came up to
me and grabbed my ass.
The priest interrupts, grabs her ass and says, "Like this?"
She says, "Yes just like that."
The priest replies, "Well that is no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
So she continued wit the story. "Then he grabbed my breast."
"Like this?" said the priest as he grabbed her breast.
"Yes, just like that. Is what I did ok now?"
"No." replied the priest.
She then proceeded. "Then he stuck his penis in me."
"Like this?" replied the priest, as he stuck his penis inside
Her and duplicated the act.
"Yes." she said. "Is what I did ok now?"
"No, that is still no reason to call him a son of a bitch" replied the priest.
She then told him the last part. "Then he told me he had herpes."
The priest replied "Why that son of a bitch!"
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures.
But perhaps the most compelling evidence that JESUS WAS A WOMAN:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT!
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do