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Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says,
"Cow For Sale...$5000"
He pulls in and says to the farmer,
"There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."
The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this."
He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman.
Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says,
"It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5000,
and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."
07/11/99
New SecretaryMr. Jones hired a new Secretary.
She was young, sweet and very polite.
While taking Dictation one morning, she happened to notice that his fly was open.
Upon leaving his office, she paused and said:
"Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open."
He was puzzled by her comment but later in the day noticed that his pants were not zipped.
He decided to have a little fun and called her into his office. He said:
"By the way Miss Smith, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a tall soldier standing at attention?"
"Why no Sir" she responded, "All I saw was a little old disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
A guy goes to see the doctor because he's a little too well
endowed, it's 25 inches long.
He can't get any women to have sex with him.
The doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him
to see a witch that he thinks might help.
The witch takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a
particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives
there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no,
you will be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as
anyone in this predicament would. He finds the pond and sees the
frog on the other side, sitting on a log.
"Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. The frog looks at
him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No!"
The guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter.
Hey, this is great he thinks, let's try that again.
"Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch, the guy's down to 15 inches.
Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks.
Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again,
"Will you marry me?"
The frog yells back "How many times do I have to tell you?
No, No, No!"
(Submitted by EG)
A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation
and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks.
Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."
So the cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad ...
whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad."
So this penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says,
"You think that your life is tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy,
they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly room
and make me do push ups until I throw up!"
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of
a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head
was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own
study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that
the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
(Submitted by Tara)
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My Doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
As she got my boob in line.
"And, tell me when it hurts," she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine."
She stepped upon a peddle.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vice!
My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tits!
"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's have a go at the other one."
"Lord have mercy," I was praying.
It squeezed me from up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, Ker-pow!
This machine was designed by man,
Of this I have no doubt,
I'd like to stick his balls in there.
And see how they come out!
(Submitted by Marion)
A flat chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast
enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower,
rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby doo. I want bigger
boobs."
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked!
She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and in her rush to
leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she
got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby doo, I want bigger
boobs."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
He Replied, "Hickory dickory dock...
(Submitted by Marion)
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane.
The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently
wipes it between her legs.
The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and
gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says,
"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped
it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or
are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition
such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
(submitted by Marion)
A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons.
She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the
corner with a sign on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar."
Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she
asks the clerk if it was correct.
He said "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She said "That can't be right!"
The clerk says "Oh yes, it's right!
5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."
Have you heard...?
Lorraina Bobbitt's sister was arrested last night
for attempting to cause the same damage to her husband,
except she missed and hit his leg.
She has been charged with a "misdeweiner".
Whats the difference between a PRICK and a PENIS?
A Penis is useful and satisfying and a prick is the guy who owns it.
What is the definitiopn of a Bastard?
A guy who screws you all night with a 3 inch penis and
kisses you good by with a 12 inch tongue.
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says "My penis is orange."
The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can
check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is
very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in
a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks
the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells
him that this must be the cause of the stress.
The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30
hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was
happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own
hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is
a really great guy."
So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your
home life?"
The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."
The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guy's
stress. But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag.
God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do
you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch
some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos..."
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to
the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the
time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time
it's in the hole.
It has two dependents, but they're nuts. Effective January 1, 2001,
penises will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10"-12" Luxury Tax
8"-10" Pole Tax
5"-8" Privilege Tax
4"-5" Nuisance Tax
A Penis exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
Issues still under consideration are as follows:
Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?
A man arrives home one evening and found his wife in bed with another man.
Without hesitation, he grabs the offending man by his private parts and
drags him to the garage. He puts the man's private parts into a vice and
removes the key so it can't be loosened. Then, he walks over to the work
bench and removes the saw from the pegboard.
The naked man exclaims, "Give me a break! Please don't cut it off..."
The husband hands the man the saw and replies, "This is for you. Now, I'm
gonna set fire to the garage and leave. What you do next is your
decision."
In the beginning, the plan for a devine human design was painstakingly implemented.
"The nerve endings," said St. Peter, "how many will I put in her hands?"
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Two hundred, O Mighty One."
"Then we shall do the same for the woman."
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals, O Mightiest?"
"How many did we put in Adam?"
"Four hundred twenty, O Mighty One."
"Oh yeah, now I remember, we wanted Adam to have a little fun procreating, didn't we?
Do the same for woman."
"Yes, O Great Lord."
"Wait! Hold it, Pete, Give her ten thousand, it'd be a hoot to hear her scream out my name..."