Q: Why does a dog lick it’s penis?
A: Because it can’t make a fist.
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says out loud, Jeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?
I was born this way, says the parrot. I'm a defective parrot.
Ha, ha, the guy laughs.
It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.
I understood every word, says the parrot. I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.
Yeah? the guy asks. Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?
Well, the parrot says, this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you.
I wrap my little parrot thingy around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook.
You can't see it cause of my feathers.
Wow, says the guy, you really can understand and answer, can't you?
Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am great company.
The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says. I can't afford that.
Pssst, the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer.
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice.
the guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, Pssst, and
motions him over with one wing.
The guy goes up close to the cage. I don't know if I should tell you this or not, says the parrot, but it's about your wife and the postman...
What? says the guy. What?
Well, the parrot says, when the postman came to the door today and your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth.
What happened then? asks the guy.
Then the postman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over, reports the parrot. My God! the guy says. Then what?
Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to kiss
her body, starting at the top slowly going down and down...
The parrot pauses for a long time ...
What happened? What happened? says the frantic guy.
I don't know, says the Parrot, I fell off my perch.
A lady goes to the pet store to get some dog food.
On her way out she sees a big fish bowl full of frogs the sign on top says
"Crotch eating frogs $9.95".
She looks at the owner with some dismay and he assures her that it's just like the sign states.
Just follow the directions.
Oh what the hell so she buys one, and takes it home.
The directions state to shower, put on your best lingerie and perfume lay down place the frog between your thighs and he'll take care of everything.
So she does and nothing happens.
Thinking to herself she'll try a different outfit and perfume to please the frog, and again nothing!
A little pissed off by now she calls the pet shop owner to let him know about the defective frog. He tells her he has had a few complaints and would be right over.
Upon his arrival the owner finds the woman in bed dressed to kill and the frog just sitting between her legs. He tells the woman "no problem" he picks up the frog stares into his eyes and tells him
"OKAY I'M ONLY GONNA SHOW YOU ONE MORE TIME"
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy". "Shhhhh" Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
05/10/99
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
Oh, no laundry, the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog
in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added,
I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
Oh? What was it then?
I think it was the spin cycle!
05/31/99
(Submitted by Lynne)
07/31/99
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie barSo the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Retriever says, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
08/25/99
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life.
A Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared And offered to fulfill 3 Wishes for her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be Rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid Gold.
And I guess I wouldn't mind being a Young and Beautiful Princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite Young
Princess, With a priceless Crown of Jewels.
"Your Third Wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman's Dog
raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof."
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful Dog into a Handsome Prince?"
POOF: There, in front of the Old Woman, Who has now turned into a Beautiful
Princess, stood the most Handsome Young Man anyone had ever seen.
More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.
As he came toward her, her knees weakened.
He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered,
"I'll bet you're sorry you had me Neutered."
(Submitted by Ginger)
09/23/99
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,
screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an
examination room and has him put his dog down on
the examination table. The vet examines the still,
limp body and after a few moments tells the man
that his dog, regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept
this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with
a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet
and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,
"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the
vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm
sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the
vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650.
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you
$50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was
for the cat scan and lab tests."
(Submitted by Linda)
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both
lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids
(you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his
paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and
rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there
are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside
where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The DOG
Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife
a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a Doberman.
The employee said, "If it's a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you.
" The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back
with a little poodle.
Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And
he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips
the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair
in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds.
By now Harold is convinced.
"I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out,
"This little thing, a watch dog? No way."
Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"
A thin scholarly bespectacled man went into a bar and
announced: "Who owned the German shepherd that
was tied up out here?" A big burly man stood up and
said: "That's my dog. . . Why?"
"I'm very sorry to tell you this, but my dog just killed it,"
the meek man replied.
"That's crazy!" the burly man sneered. "Man, what kind
of dog do you have?" "A Chihuahua," the man answered
sheepishly.
"Shit! You're kiddin' me! I got that dog from the Marines!
He's a trained attack dog! How the hell could that little runt
of yours kill my dog?"
"He got stuck in his throat."
(Submitted by EG)
Sean had felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing inner voice trying to reassure him:
"Sean. Don't worry about it.
You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Sean... You're a veterinarian."
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What's that
mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and
that I should ask you."
Dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "OK, you can go
now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on
the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?"
The little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the
block and there's another dog pushing her home."
Two robbins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one.
"Me too" said the second one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch.
"They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms.
They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up the tree" said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun." said the second.
"O.K." said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep,
when a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up.
As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought
"I love Baskin' Robins."
(Submitted by June)
Usually everyone who has a dog either calls him rover or boy or
something. I call mine sex. Well, sex is a very embarrassing name.
One day I took sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent
hours looking for that dog. A cop came along and asked me what I was
doing in this alley at 4am in the morning. I said I'm looking for sex.
My case comes up on Thursday.
One day I went to City Hall to get a dog license for sex. The
clerk asked what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for sex. He
said, "I would like one too" Then I said, "but this is for a dog." And
he said he didn't care how she looked. Then I said you don't
understand. I'VE had sex since I was two years old. He replied "You must
have been a strong boy."
When I decided to get married I told the minister that I wanted
to have sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the
wedding. I said, but sex has played a big part in my life and my whole
lifestyle evolves around sex. He said he didn't want to hear about
my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told
him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having sex there.
The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family
is barred from the Church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on our Honeymoon. When
I checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room
for my wife and I, and a special room for sex. The clerk said that
every room in the motel is for sex. then I said "You don't
understand, sex keeps me awake at; night," and the clerk said,
"Me too"
One day I told my friend that I had sex on TV. He said, "You
show off." I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have
sold tickets for the TV show.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for the
custody of the dog. I said "Your Honor, I had sex before I was
married, and Judge said 'Me too."
Well, now, I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced, and had
more damm trouble with that dog that I ever gambled for. Why the
other day I went for my first session with the psychiatrist and
she asked me what the problem was, I replied, "Hell, sex has died
and left my life, Its like loosing a best friend, Its lonely."
The doctor said, "Look mister, you and I both know sex isn't mans
best friend, so go get yourself a dog."
10 reasons why a dog doesn`t use a computer!
10. It`s hard to type with paws
9. ``Sit`` and ``stay`` were hard enough;
``delete`` and ``save`` are out of the question.
8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
7. Carpal Paw Syndrome.
6. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he`s browsing
www.purina.com or the ``50 ways to skin a cat``sites.
5. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates.
4. Can`t help attacking the screen when he hears, ``you`ve got mail``.
3. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits.
2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
1.Can`t stick his head out of Windows 98.
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in
a hole outside of a farmhouse out in the country.
The papa mole
reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage.
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm,
I smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the
hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole
said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it
says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them
and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
The Fish
A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan
recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let
them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said,
"Here, I'll show you. It really works." "O.K. I've GOT to see this!"
The game warden was curious now.
The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked
