Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road
one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to
the owners what had happened.
About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other
and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you", asked Bill.
Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar
and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me.
"My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig".
President Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated in one
of the booths.
All the waitresses are knockdown gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous
waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to
his table...
She asked What would you like, Mr. President?
Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame
top to bottom, then answers: A quickie.
The waitress stomps off in total disgust. After she regains
her composure she returns and asks again: What would you like, Mr..
President?
Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers
A quickie, please.
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding SMACK and storms away.
A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over
and whispers, Um, Mr.. President, I think its pronounced
'QUICHE'.
(submitted by Tara)
Reports say Monica coughed up more evidence
Ashley walked into the White House for the first day of her
internship and was greeted by the President.
After a tour, he asked, "Would you like to see the Presidential Clock?"
Ashley got suspicious and said, "I've heard certain things about
you, Mr. President, and I don't think that would be a smart idea."
"Nonsense," said the President. "It's just a clock."
Ashley reluctantly agreed.
The President led her to an empty Oval Office, closed the door,
dropped his pants and pulled it out.
In a reproving tone, Ashley said, "That's not the Presidential
Clock, it's the Presidential Cock."
The President responded, "Ashley, honey, put a face and two hands
on it, and it's a clock."
Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell.
When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity.
They go to the first door and the Devil shows Bill,
Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him.
Bill says "Oh no! That's not how I want to spend all eternity..."
They go to the second door.
The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured.
Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"
They go to the third door.
Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a hummer.
Bill thinks and decides "Hmmm. looks okay to me. I'll take it."
The Devil then says "Good. Hey Monica, you've been replaced."
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him".
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."
(Submitted by Bruce)
Sung to the tune of
"MY BOLOGNA HAS A FIRST NAME"
His bologna has a first name,
it's "I did not inhale".
His bologna has a second name,
it's "I wasn't getting tail".
He loves to sling it every day,
The White House people all just say,
That Billy Clinton has a way of
making bullshit sound O.K.
One thing we can surely say.
Is that Clinton is the best F---ing president we've ever had!
While undressing for bed one night,
Bill notices something like a red rash around his penis.
Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!"
and makes a point of getting to his doctor at hospital, the next day.
"Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, penis.
What is it, and how do I get rid of it?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is,
but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it.
If not, come back and we'll try something else."
Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately,
the red ring is still there after 7 days.
He goes back to his doctor and tells him the pills didn't help.
So the doctor prescribes another medication,
capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions.
Take them a week, and come back if it's not improved.
Bill takes the capsules for a week, and damn the red ring is still there.
So he goes back to his doctor and asks, "What next?"
The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time.
Rub this on every day for a week, and let me know.
Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news, doc The rash is gone!
That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?"
The doctor replied, "Lipstick
remover".
4/29/99
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they
spin to Oz. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally
make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran,
so I've come for some courage."
"No problem" says the Wizard, consider it done
"WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well, Well, Well, I need a brain."
"Done" says the Wizard. "
WHO COMES NEXT BEFPRE THE GREAT WIZARD?
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that
I need a heart."
"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there looking around,
but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
"WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
Clinton replies "Is Dorothy around?"
(submitted by)(Tara)(Reba)
06/12/99
Titles considered for Monica's new autobiography...
"I Suck At My Job."
"What Really Goes Down In The White House."
"How I Blew It In Washington."
"Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President."
"Clear and Present Boner."
"Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule."
"Going Back for Gore."
"Podium Girl."
"Secret Services to the President."
"Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton."
"Deep Inside The Oval Office."
"The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions."
"My Chief of Staff."
"Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes."
"How To Beat Off the Government."
"Going Down and Moving Up."
"Members of the Cabinet."
"Me and My Big Mouth."
"How To Get A Head in Business."
(Submitted by Brittany)
Late one night in the capitol city, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped
into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied,
"You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
07/25/99
There were 3 boys playing by a lake
Bill Clinton came by and fell in the water and was drowning.
"Help!" he cried "If you boys save me I'll give you each anything you want."
So the three boys saved him.
The first boy asked for a motorcycle.
The second boy asked for a speedboat.
The third boy asked for a stereo for his wheelchair.
"Why do you want a stereo for your wheelchair?" asked Bill.
"You're not in a wheelchair."
"Maybe not now", said the boy.
"But I will be when I tell my dad I saved Bill Clinton from drowning.
08/29/99
After a weekend trip home to Arkansas, Bill Clinton stepped
from the helicopter and onto the White House lawn. He was
carrying two Arkansas-bred hawgs one under each arm, At the
bottom of the steps, a young Marine snapped to attention, saluted
sharply and said, "Fine looking pigs, sir!"
Clinton turned and glared at the boy. "Son, don't you know I'm
from Arkansas. These ain't pigs, they're hawgs. "The Marine shot
back, "Marine begs the Commander in Chief's pardon, sir! Fine
looking hawgs, sir!" Clinton smiled with pride and the young man
relaxed.
The president went on, "Thank you, son". You see this one
here?" He lifted up the pig under his right arm. I got this
one for Chelsea. "Then he nodded to the hawg on his left. "And
this one here, I got for Hillary."
At that the Marine snapped back to attention and said,
"Outstanding trade, sir!"
(Submitted by Kristal)
09/04/99
6 Presidents on a Sinking Boat
Ford says: "What do we do?"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats"
Reagan says: "What lifeboats"
Carter says: "Women first"
Nixon says: "Screw the women"
Clinton says: "You think we have time?"
(Submitted by deb)
The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles."
The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!", he said, "where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "back in Vietnam!"
Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.
As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton,
"Are you ready to order?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?" the waitress replies.
"Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea.
I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."
She walks away. Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "I think its pronounced Quiche."
One day in a conversation with President Clinton, Bill Gates confessed that he had no idea what oral sex was. He had heard so much about it from recent newscasts that he was curious, but confused. Clinton said he would arrange for someone to call with an explanation.
A few days later, Gates received a call from a woman named Monica. She came to his office, went beneath the desk and enlightened him.
Afterwards Gates exclaimed: "Wow! Now I know what oral sex is!"
Monica replied: "Now I know what Microsoft is."
(Submitted by Clio)
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly check-up. When it was finished,
she asked her gynecologist how everything was. He said he was
pleased and that she was in great shape, and that she was pregnant.
"No way!" she exclaimed, but he assured her she was most definitely
pregnant.
She stormed out of the examining room, grabbed the receptionist's
phone and dialed the private line in the Oval Office.
When Bill answered the phone, she shouted, "I can't believe it! I'm
pregnant! You got me pregnant!"
The president didn't say anything, and she screamed, "Didn't you
hear me? I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!"
Hesitantly, the president asked, "Um...who IS this?"
Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter.
She notices that there are clocks everywhere.
She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here.
St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth
and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one-second.
St. Peter points to one clock and explains that it's never moved
because it belonged to Mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life.
The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only
told two lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked off.
Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?" St. Peter says, "Bill's clock
is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
(Submitted by Kristal)
What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.
The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankees game.
The row behind them is taken up with secret service agents.
One of them leans over and whispers something in the President's ear.
Mr. Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck
and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of
the dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities.
The President shakes hands of those near him and gets "high
five's". The secret service agent leans over again and whispers,
"Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"
During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton.
Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days.
Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.
He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed.
to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement.
He looked tired, discouraged, and was practically in tears.
Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton
just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on
80% of the items discussed".
Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were discussing the
Ten Commandments."
Did you hear that next week Tipper Gore is going on the
Presidential Campaign Trail with her husband.
What is her message?
"Read my lips. No more Bush"
The wives of three presidents and a prime minister are talking together
about what a penis is called in their native languages.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman because
it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot because you
never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain because it goes
down after the act.
Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor because it
goes from mouth to mouth.
President Bill Clinton called Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried.
"My People's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Bill, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der
power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Clinton." Could you possibly send us
1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainement! I will get on hit right haway," said Jean.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said President Bill.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10 inches long
and 4" in diameter?" asked Clinton.
"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that, Chretien hung
up and called the president of Trojan.
"I need a favour. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, an
sen' dem to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be bleu, blanc 'n rouge in
colour, hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia'meter."
"That's easily done. Anything else?"
"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem
MADE IN CANADA, size: MEDIUM."
Every morning Clinton takes a jog around park
Each day he passes a hooker on a particular street corner and, as he goes
by, she shouts out "fifty dollars," and he replies "no, five dollars!"
This continues for several days. He runs by, she says
"fifty dollars," and he says "no, five dollars!"
One day Hillary decides that she wants to go jogging
with Bill. As they are approaching the now infamous street corner, Bill
suddenly realizes that the hooker will bark out her $50 offer and that
he will have some explaining to do with the First Lady.
As they turn the corner, Bill is still in a quandary as to what to do.
Sure enough there is the hooker.
The hooker looks up as Bill and Hillary jog by and
yells to Bill, "See what you get for five dollars?"
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up
your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
Promised Land."
Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit
on your asses, and light up a Camel; this is the Promised Land!"
Now, Bush Jr. wants to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the
price of your Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land.
Bush Jr. also wants to change the Republican Party emblem from an
elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a
bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of
security while one is being screwed.
REGIS: Who is the Prime Minister of England?
a. John Cougar Mellancamp
b. Brittany Spears
c. Tony Blair
d. Rowan Atkinson
GEORGE W BUSH: I'd like to use a life line Regis
Top Ten Ways George W. Bush Is Preparing For The Presidency
10.
Drafting legislation to make 2001 "Take Your Father To Work Year"9.
To familiarize himself with military protocol, watching "F-Troop"8.
Planning to return to Texas to guest-host executions7.
Getting Linda Chavez to round up some illegal aliens to do a few chores around the White House6.
He's been nailing interns because dammit -- that's what presidents do!5.
Convincing Secret Service to change his code name from "Dumbass"4.
Practicing getting sick on world leaders just like dad3.
Making sure inaugural festivities don't include a Breathalyzer test2.
Like every other American, is on his hands and knees saying, "Please lord, don't let Bush screw up"1.
Rehearsing his two-word inaugural speech: "Yee-haw!"
Top Ten Pieces Of Fatherly Advice From George W. Bush
10.
"You're coming to me for advice? Okay, that's mistake number one"9.
"Do as I saying, not as I doing did"8.
"At school, sit next to one of Dick Cheney's kids and copy off them"7.
"You can't go through life getting arrested and making as ass out of yourself...just kidding"6.
"Watch what you eat or you'll bloat up like Al Gore"5.
"If you ever get in a jam, call my dad -- it's always worked for me"4.
"Your mother is tired of your idiotic behavior and says you're a disgrace to this family...no, wait, that's what she said about me"3.
"Remember the motto of my predecessor: it's only a crime if you get caught"2.
"Never use a fake ID to buy hooch -- that's what secret service guys are for"1.
"Keep up the good work, girls -- at this rate you'll be president some day"
Top Ten Pieces Of Advice George W. Bush Gave To Graduates
10.
"You can't expect to function on less than 16 hours of sleep per night"9.
"If you don't know a foreign leader's name, call him 'Pierre'"8.
"If you're not making more than your professors two years from now, you're doing something wrong"7.
"The Internet is a great place to find speeches you can pass off as your own"6.
"Drinking and partying all the time will jeopardize your future...just kidding!"5.
"I've always wanted to do this: Now batting for the Rangers, #3, Alex Rodriguez!"4.
"If you're a male cheerleader, destroy all photographs of yourself"3.
"Do any of you want to be president -- I'm already sick of it"2.
"Don't challenge my mom Barbara to a fistfight. She'll kick your ass"1.
"Move to Mexico because I'm gonna run this country into the ground"
Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and
George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of
talks in a new anti-terrorism process. When George sits down,
he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair.
They begin talking.
After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button.
A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches
Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big
boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs,
and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the
bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third
button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square
in the privates, he's finally had enough.
"I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the Afghan.
"We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks.
As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's chair
arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking
and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens.
George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses
the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars
with laughter. They continue the talks but when the third button is
pressed,
Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens.
Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Akhund.
"I'm going back to Afghanistan!" George W. says, through tears of
laughter,
"What Afghanistan?"
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of
the Secret Service.
Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large
number of three-letter agencies -
FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA,BATF, SS, ATF, etc.
Now comes the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."
Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits
with their initials in large white letters across their backs?
F.A.T.A.S.S.
We take you now to the Oval Office.
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
