07/20/99
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her heart Was Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't
Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is:
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.
(Submitted by deb - The blonde one)
You might be a redneck if you sell your car for gas money.
You think a server has big boobs and wears a Hooter's T-shirt.
When your computer crashes you call bubba for a tow truck.
You can't figure out how to get your truck in the A drive.
You think the "A drive" is where you park your pickup.
You've ever had cyber-sex with your cousin.
Your computer is in the outhouse.
You think your CD Drive is a beer can holder.
You see the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler for another beer.
Part of your puter is held together with duct tape.
Your puter has a bumper sticker on it.
You put a quilt over your screen when a make whoopee to your ol' lady.
You think WWW. In a url is a logo for a wrestling' organization.
You see the "shift" key and try to figure out how to change gears
You think CD stands for Cow Dung.
You think the person that made your keyboard was dumb because the letters aint in order.
Someone tells you your computer has a bug and you reach for the can of Raid.
You think ICQ is how smart your computer is.
You try to figure out how your floppy disk got hard.
You keep trying to figure out why your scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
You try to figure out how to get your empty beer cans into the recycling' bin.
Your mouse keeps knocking over your spittoon.
You have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
Someone tells you they're computer "locked up" and you ask if they need bail money.
You think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
When you tern your computer on you say "Come ON Betsy".
You call tech support an ask where to buy stamps for your e-mail.
You put a mousetrap on your desk.
You see the word Download, and take the shotgun shells out of your gun.
You think 64 M RAM is a new big block engine for your pickup.
You Think MB stands for "More Beer".
Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
06/21/99
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
What's the most popular pick up line in North Georgia?
Nice tooth!
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,
"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
A girl from Georgia and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane.
The girl from Georgia, being friendly and all, said, So, where ya'll from?"
The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better
than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Georgia sat quietly for a few moments and then replied,
"So, where ya'll from, bitch?"
How do you know when you're staying in a Georgia hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"
and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?.....A documentary.
What do they call it in Georgia?....."Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
08/14/99
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before
shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to
change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included
in the will, it is still considered tacky to
drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt
the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to
"bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always
hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be
anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...
no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this
is a job that should be done in private using
one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing
for several days. However, if you live alone,
deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a
social no-no, as they tend to detract from a
woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook,
especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you since I
read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is
expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others
might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school
on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and
picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may
get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A
leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean
bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and
shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles;
Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle
with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
(Submitted by) (deb) & (Ginger)
A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of
gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and
difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the
problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no
male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a
part time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Ed, like
most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a
female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have
a solution.
Ed was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with
the gorilla for $500.00. Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to
think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only
under three conditions.
"First", he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her.
"Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked
what was the third condition?
"Well," said Ed, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the 500 bucks."
(Submitted by EG)
A professor at the University of Virginia is giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says,
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
As he makes his way down toward the podium the professor says,
"Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost? Shiiiiiit... I thought you said "goats."
(Submitted by Jeannie)
A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They
found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they
got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the
breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got
jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and low and behold, there was another shipwreck. The
only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the
redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and
they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening
beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a
warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the
redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he
could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously,
and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
(Submitted by Jeannie)
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking
around town with nothing on except his boots!
The sheriff says, "Billy-Bob, what the heck are you doing
walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies, "Well, Sheriff, me and MaryLou were out
at the farm and we started a-cuddlin and MaryLou said we should
go down to the barn and we did.
Inside the barn we started a-kissin and a-cuddlin some more and
things got pretty hot and heavy.
Well, the MaryLou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same.
So, I took off all my clothes except my boots.
Then MaryLou layed herself down on the hay and said,
"Okay Billy-Bob, lets go to town!
I guess I'm the first one here!
(Submitted by Sherry)
Bubba and Billy decide to go ice fishing.
After They arrive at the frozen lake, they cut 2 holes in the ice and begin fishing.
After a couple hours pass Billy becomes a bit distraught watching Bubba real in fish after fish
While he hasnt even gotten a bite.
Billy asks Bubba, whats your secret?
Bubba replies "Mu mot mo meep ma mrms mrm."
Billy says Huh?
Mu mot mo meep ,a mrms mrn, Bubba says again.
Still unable to understand, Billy asks again
Bubba spits into his hands and says
"You got to keep the worms warm."
Bubba was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad.
The chief engineer was conducting the interview.
"What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on
Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?"
Fred quickly answered, "Well, I'd call my brother."
The chief engineer just sat there for a second.
"Why would you call your brother?"
"He's never seen a train wreck before."
A farmer in his pickup truck in Alabama was driving across a
bridge when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge
ready to jump to his death in the river below. The man stopped
his truck ran up to the man and said, "Hey fellow, why are you
doing this?" The man replied, "Well, I have nothing to live for."
The Alabama man replied, "Well, think of your wife and
children!" The jumper replied, "I have no wife or children."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, then think of your mother and father!"
The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed on many years back."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, think of General Robert E.Lee!"
The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"
With that the Alabama man said, "Jump, you stupid Yankee, jump!"
Billy Bob plans his vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm
gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about
where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Emmy lou got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Emmy lou got
pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Emmy lou didn't get pregnant
again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Emmy lou with me."
Over the last five years the N.T.S.B. has been covertly funding a project with
U.S. Auto makers whereby the auto makers have been installing "black boxes"
in all four wheel drive pick up trucks they have manufactured.
This was to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds
before the crash.
They were surprised in 42 of the 50 states the last words of the drivers in 61.2%
of the fatal crashes were, "OH SHIT!"
Only the states of Arkansas, West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama,
Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were,
"Hold my beer and watch this."
