1) The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex:
Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom..

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time.

She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again--the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs--she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quivering. "I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, Sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

There is a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders,
so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.

The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility,
when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
"What condition does he have?" the student asks.
"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall.
As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles,
receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition, " the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."
(Tara....)

There is a guy who wanted a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis.
So he went to the tattoo parlor, and told the tattoo artist what he wanted.

The tattoo artist said "I'm sorry, but I can't do that there." and the guy
said, "but that is what I want". So the tattoo artist said, "Okay,
give me three good reasons and I'll consider it."

So the guy says...
Well the first reason is because I like to play with my money.
The second reason is that I like to watch my money grow.
The third reason is if my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks, she can
stay home.

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research
project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute
requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two
acceptable excuses for being late. Those with a medically certifiable
illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up.
"But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the
young man with a glaring look.

The professor responded, "Well, I guess you'll just have to learn to
write with your other hand."

A Review of the Top 9 Sexual Jokes on the "Net" this year (according to a poll recently taken by someone with obviously too much time on his/her hands).

Number nine:

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is a shard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Number eight:

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blow job." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Number five:

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickleslicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home again. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean what happened, well, with the pickleslicer?" "Oh...she got fired too.

"Number four:

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife, so the doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. "The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up int he back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown. "The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old 1000 man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells
extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator.
The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way."
The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator!"

The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.

They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.

"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport.

Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."

The American frowned.

"Russian roulette's not a very nice game."

The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette.

If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.

I'II show you how."

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in.

"You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American.

"That's great," the ambassador said.

"That doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."

"Oh but it is. One of them is a cannibal."

At the motel room checkout desk, Harry handed the clerk $50. "I'm sorry, sir," the man said, "but this won't cover your bill."
"The hell it won't," Harry barked. "The sign outside says rooms are 40 bucks."
"But that doesn't include the food," the clerk explained. "Your total is $75."
"But I didn't eat any food."
"It was there for you. If you didn't eat any, that's your fault."
Harry glared at the motel employee for a moment. "OK," he finally said, "then you owe me $100."
Looking confused the clerk asked "What for?"
"For screwing my wife."
"But I never touched her!"
"That's your fault," Harry shrugged. "She was there for you."

A 60-year-old man walked into a drugstore and asked the girl at the checkout,
Do you have condoms here?
Sure. What size are you?
I'm not really sure.
Well, just let me check, she said, walking around the counter.
She unzipped his pants, took a feel and then picked up the microphone.
Extra-large condoms to the checkout. Extra-large condoms to the checkout.
A stockboy brought the condoms and the man paid and left.

A while later, a 30-year-old man walked up to the checkout.
Do you sell condoms here? he asked.
Sure, but what size do you need?
Well, I don't know.
Well, just let me check.
She unzipped his pants, took a couple of tugs and then picked up the microphone,
Large condoms to the checkout. Large condoms to the checkout.
The stockboy brought the condoms, the man paid and left.

Later, a 16-year-old came into the store. Um, do you guys sell condoms here?
he asked the girl at the checkout.
Yep, she said, what size do you need?
I don't know, he replied.
She unzipped his zipper for a feel and then picked up the microphone.
Cleanup at the checkout, please. Cleanup at the checkout.

05/22/99

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line.
She also wants him to put Happy Thanksgiving under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with Merry Christmas up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says if you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?

She says I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

05/25/99

A guy meets a girl at a carnival and after sharing a few rides
she invites him back to her place for the night.
Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They got back to her house and they go into her bedroom
and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.
There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy
toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor,
and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

Later, after they've finished having sex, he turns to her and
asks..."well, how was I?"

She say's "well...you can take anything from the bottom shelf

(submitted by deb)

06/06/99

A market researcher called at a house and his knock wa 1000 s answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.

When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse".

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose; but I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"

We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out".

07/26/99

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which
said "Two prostitutes...$50.00".

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to
remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "Jesus Saves."

They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said,
"Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion."
So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.

The following day the same cop was in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with the large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with then when he noticed
a new sign which read....

"Two Angels Seeking Peter.....$50.00"

(Submitted by Gene)

07/29/99

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next
to an absolutely gorgeous woman.

They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.

By the way, my name is Ann. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

09/06/99

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their sex lives with their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well... not exactly...."
"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have
sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a
passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp--only to discover a cucumber in
his hand.

Is this what you've been using on me for the past 10 years?

"Honey! Let me explain!"

"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!"

"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted. "Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!"

(Submitted by Kristal), (Reba)

10/05/99

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers,
The other is getting a blow-job from a 98-year-old woman.
They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?

"Don't look down!"

(Submitted by deb)

A man and a woman were having a few drinks when
they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we're obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything", the woman countered.
"Think about this. When your ear itches and you put your
little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out,
which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

(Submitted by Ron.)

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Japanese men says, "We are all berry hungry."

The waitress says, "So how is Masturbating in this restaurant going to help that situation?"

One of the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED."

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to
the docks once more for old times sake.

He hires a prostitute and takes her up to the room.
He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age and asks,
"How am I doing?"

The prostitute says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"What's that?" he asks.

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot
getting your money back."

A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin.
The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says,
"My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work
and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?"
So, he decides to ask a minister.

The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him.
Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath.

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states,
"My son, sex is definitely play."

The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure
when so many others are convinced that sex is work?"
The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work,
my wife would have the maid do it."

(Submitted by EG)

1. Cover your stump before you hump

2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3. Don't be silly, protect your willy

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout

5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner

6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong

7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it

8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey

9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If you go into heat, package your meat

13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis

14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker

17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool

18. The right selection will protect your erection

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil

20. A crank with armor will never harm her

21. No glove, no love!

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small
house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Oriental man
with a long gray beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay
a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese
tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful
and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man
as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the
old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for
a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old
man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted
but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old
man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the
boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he
did so, he noticed another note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting
close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than
castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground
that read:

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

(Submitted by Kristal)

A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator.

The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way."

The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator!"

Three guys decide their gonna go to the hot spot they've heard so much
about, The Best Blowjobs in town.

They walk into this establishment and the first guys says, "I hear they
give a $10, a $20, and a $30 blowjob, and I'm gonna get a $10."

So he finds a young girl and tells her he would like a $10 blowjob.
She says ok and takes him to the back room. She pulls out some whipped
cream and a cherry and goes to town on this fella. He walks out with a
big-o-grin on his face and his buddies are dying to know how it was. He
recounts and says it was the best thing he had ever done.

So the second guy says he's gonna get him a $20 blowjob. He goes to
the back room with another gorgeous girl. The girl puts a couple of rows
of whipped cream and 2 cherries and really does a number on this ol boy.
When he returns, his smile is as wide as can be and recounts what happened
to the other two.

The third guy, not wanting to be outdone, says he's gonna get a $30 blowjob.
He goes to the back and the young lady puts a mound of whipped cream a
couple of pineapple rings around it , 3 cherries and some sprinkles on
top. When he returns from the back, his buddies are astounded to see this ol
boy frowning..
So they asked him, "What happen? Wasn't it any good??"

He says, "Well, she put whipped cream, a few cherries, some pineapple
rings, and some sprinkles...and damnit, it looked so good I just did it
myself."

Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it
off pretty well, and soon Bert suggested that they go to his apartment
for some extracurricular activity.

It wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love.
As they were making love, though, Bert noticed that Flo's toes would curl
up as he was thrusting in and out.
When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, "I must have
been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was
going in and out."

Flo looked at him and smiled. "That usually happens when someone
forgets to remove my pantyhose."

(submitted by Marion)

A guy goes into a bank for a business loan.

The bank manager says, "What kind of business do you want to start?"

The guy says, "I have some black powder.

You sprinkle it on pussy and it makes it taste like a peach."

The bank manager says, "I'm afraid we're not interested."

A few months later the guy walks into the bank pushing a wheel barrel full of money.

The bank manager says, "I see that idea for black powder really paid off."

The guy says, "Nah, that didn't go anywhere.

I made my money with this white powder."

The bank manager says, "What does it do?"

The guy says, "Give me a peach and I'll show you."

submitted by Kacey

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor
condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"God, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you give head?"
"No!" she shrieked, So he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed for one more chance. As luck would have it,
she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck!, I bang! ,
I'll do any and everything you sexually desire!!" she screamed in panic.
The man replied, "You Slut," and dropped her...

"The Truth About Masturbation"

----FACTS------------------------

Kinsey Report - "Sexual Behavior In The Human Male"
98% of males (including married men) admitted to masturbating.

Average: 3 times per week.
(and,... 85% admitted premarital sex; 50% admitted
adultery) (Kinsey, et al. 1948)

Current population - 134,349,027 *MEN* in the United
States (www.census.gov 7PM-EST 02/01/2000)

----ASSUMPTION-------------------

It takes at least ten minutes (on average)
for a man to masturbate.

----LET'S DO THE NUMBERS---------

134,349,027 men in the United States X 3 wack-offs/week
= 403,047,081 wack-offs/week

6 ten-minute-periods/hour X 24hours/day X 7days/week
= 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week

403,047,081 wack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week
= 399,848 wack-offs/ten-minute-period

399,848 wack-offs/ten-minute-period X 98% (Kinsey Factor)
= 391,851 wack-offs/ten-minute-period

----CONCLUSION-------------------

At any given moment (on average), 391,851 men in the
United States are wacking-off.

So... be careful who you shake hands with!

A koala bear from Australia decided to take a vacation to New York
City to enjoy a different culture. After arriving in New York and
getting settled in at his hotel, the koala bear decided to take a walk.

After touring this adventurous city for a few hours he noticed
several women on the side of the street strutting their stuff. The
koala bear approached one of them and asked, "What are you doing?"

The woman replied "I'm a prostitute. Are you looking for a good time?"

The koala bear immediately replied yes.

"Do you wanna have sex?" the prostitute asked.

"Well, sure. I mean, I did come here to live up the true New York
experience," said the bear with a grin on his face.

The prostitute grabbed the bear's hand and directed him to her
apartment where they had sex. Soon after, the koala bear got out of
bed and proceeded to the door. The prostitute yelled, "Where are you
going?"

The bear told her that he was done and it was time for him to go.

"I'm a prostitute. You have to pay me!"

The bear said with a disgusted tone, "Since when do I have to pay for sex?"

The prostitute replied, "Everyone I have sex with has to pay. It's in
the dictionary, look it up."

The koala bear agreed to pull out a dictionary from one of her
shelves to look up the word "prostitute." It said, "A woman who has
sex in exchange for money." The prostitute immediately started to
chuckle and asked for her money.

The koala bear then remarked, "Okay, to make it even, why don't you
look up the word koala bear?"

The prostitute grabbed the dictionary and looked up "koala bear." The
bear said, "Go ahead, read it aloud!"

The prostitute read the definition out loud. "An Australian animal
that eats bush and leaves."

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of
the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.
Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my
boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here!
She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a
ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave.
I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!"

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at
the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says
"What are you so happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin'
my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits
out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a
ride in your boat?'
"Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way
out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the
key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim! Dave, she
couldn't swim!!!!."

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John
down there cryin over a beer. Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits
WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my
boat does. She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can
have a ride in my boat. "So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much
further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and
said "it's either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants.... She had a dick, Dave!
She had a great BIG DICK! Dave, AND I CAN'T SWIM!"

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his
wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked with a smile.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really! why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if
you came second for a change!"

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every
ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not
satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DARLING HUSBAND

I think you have things a little confused.
Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,
playing video games etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and
were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was
trying to breathe.

Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl moistens
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results, continue to knead milk containers
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak
(preferably not overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn’t soften,
repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:
1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore.
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses,
"I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame.
There is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year!
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy the asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says, "All you have to do is say '1234' and it will go down.
But be warned, it will not work again for another year!"

The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.
So, he is lying in bed with her and says, "123" and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' For?"

Two women were talking. "So, how’s your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex,"
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

It has been studied and determined that the most often used
Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs... And the wife rolls over and plays dead.