LIST'S

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Slogans 4 National Condom Week

LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS TO PROMOTE NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

1. Cover your stump before you hump

2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3. Don't be silly, protect your willy

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout

5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner

6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong

7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it

8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey

9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If you go into heat, package your meat

13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis

14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker

17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool

18. The right selection will protect your erection

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil

20. A c 1000 rank with armor will never harm her

21. No glove, no love!

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1. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
2. Monday Night Football.
3. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
4. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and haircutter’s don’t rob you blind. When clicking through the channel, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
5. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
6. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
7. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
8. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
9. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
10. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
11. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
12. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
13. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
14. If you’re 34 and single, nobody notices.
15. You can write your name in the snow.
16. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
17. Everything on your face stays its original color.
18. You can be President.
19. Flowers fix everything.
20. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
21. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
22. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
23. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
24. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
25. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
26. The world is your urinal.
27. You never misconstrue innocuous stat ents to mean your lover is about to leave you
28. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area. One mood, all the time.
29. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too skeevy.
30. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
31. Wedding dress: $2,000. Tux rental: $100.
32. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
33. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
34. ESPN’s SportsCenter.
35. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
36. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.
37. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
38. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
39. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
40. If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

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1. You won't starve without a can opener.
2. Your friends won't get drunk and hit on your sister.
3. Jeweller's and grocery stores won' 1000 t rob you blind.
4. Short skirts will always cure Unemployment.
5. Male Pattern Baldness.
6. You're 5 times less likely to kill yourself.
7. "Heavy Lifting" isn't a necessity for ployment on your resume.
8. You'll never get a draft card.
9. You can distract an entire roomful of men just by reapplying lipstick.
10. You smell better. No matter what.
11. When you fight, you fight to kill.
12. You can cook your own food.
13. You see the humor in war.
14. You rule the bathroom.
15. Mo matter how long it takes to get ready, guys will always wait for you.
16. Sex means never having to finish the job.
17. It's ok for you to marry for money.
18. No one ever mistakes your chest for a bathmat.
19. You'll never have more hair in your nose than on your head.
20. You don't consider urination a competitive sport. .
21. You don't consider tomato sauce to be a fashion stat ent.
22. You'll always get served first in a hardware store.
23. Men are optional.
24. The Three Stooges don't live in your universe
25. You'll probably never have to change a lightbulb.
26. You never feel compelled to scratch yourself in public.
27. You can bend over in prison.
28. You can walk down the street without mentally undressing everyone around you.
29. You can always find a sucker to pump your gas for you.
30. You can wear your sister's clothes without making a major lifestyle adjustment..
31. Short girls are "petite". Short guys are "midgets".
32. Grooms all look the same. Everyone only wants to see the Bride.
33. No matter how ugly you are, you'll always be able to get laid.
34. No matter whose place you stay at, you'll always get the bed.
35. "Stagettes" are our little secret!
36. Someday you'll be a rich widow.
37. No matter what you do, you'll always be "daddy's little girl" (this is not sexual, you perverts).
38. You don't consider farting to be the epitome of humour.
39. You secretly admire Loreena Bobbitt. .
40. Your idea of a good movie doesn't need "Debbie does . . ." in the title.

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30 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Girl:

1. Free dinners
2. Free lunches
3. Free brunches
4. Speeding ticket? What's that?
5. You can get free stuff just by smiling sweetly
6. Your hair is yours to keep
7. If you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really chic
8. You're rarely compelled to scream at the TV
9. If someone takes your seat in a bar, you don't have to hit them
10. You know the truth about whether size matters
11. When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out
12. You don't have hair on your back
13. If anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get implants
14. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass
15. You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley
16. In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strateg 1000 ically positioned
17. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex
18. You can sleep your way to the top
19. You can sue for sexual harassment
20. You can sue the President for sexual harassment
21. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep
22. You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower
23. When you wear sweatpants, it isn't obscene
24. You never have to wonder if your orgasm was real
25. You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper
26. You'll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra
27. You don't have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
28. If you want to have sex, you always can
29. You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked
30. You don't have to fart to amuse yourself

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*Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

*PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

*Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

*Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

*A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.

*Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

*Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

*"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

*Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

*Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

*Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks.

*Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

*Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

*Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

*Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

*Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

*Men would sit around and wonder what women are thinking.

*Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

*All toilet seats would be nailed down.

*Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

*TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

*All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date19 year olds.

*Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

*After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

*For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.

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Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to:

10 - Tommy Lee's --- Camp Kickachickee
9 - Lorena Bobbit's --- Camp Cutaweewee
8 - Tanya Harding's --- Camp Whackaneenee
7 - Kenneth Starr's ---- Camp Catchacrookee
6 - Louis Farakahn's -- Camp Killawhitey
5 - O.J. Simpson's ---- Camp Killawifee
4 - Michael Jackson's - Camp Grabbakiddie
3 - President Clinton's -Camp Getahoochie
2 - Ellen Degeneras's- -- Camp Lickacoochie

And The number 1 camp not to send your kid to:

1 - Monica Lewinsky's ---- Camp Suckaweewee

(Submitted by Tara)

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5/9/99

What Moms REALLY want for Mother's Day

10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties"
(ie: backwash)

9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that
"Why is this person my mother?" way.

8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty

7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!"
just as I put a razor to my ankle.

6. A full time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt --
CAN WE ALL SAY"AMEN"! RV!

5. For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job
all in the same day!"

4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.

3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.

2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan,
"Oh no! Why me...!"

And the #1 thing that moms REALLY want for Mother's Day is...

Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison

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06/07/99

Attention female readers!
Are you sick and tired of those stupid old pick-up lines that men continue to use?
Here are some great comebacks! (Forward to friends)

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

(Submitted by Lynne)

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06/20/99

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

The first rule of holes, If you are in one, stop digging.

I went to school to become a wit. I only got halfway through.

It was all so different before everything changed.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

Some day you're the windshield, some days you're the bug.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

If all is not lost where is it?

(submitted by Marion)

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07/10/99

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

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• I'm out of estrogen. I have a gun.

• Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

• I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

• Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

• I hate everybody, and you're next.

• Please don't make me kill you.

• I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

• I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

• Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

• Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

• You KNOW you want me.

• Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.

• Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

• All stressed out and no one to choke.

• I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

• If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

• Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

• Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

• Objects Under This Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear.

(Submitted by Ginger)

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Example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place) Answer: Los Angeles

1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (person)

2. SAND TACKLE LAWS (fictional character)

3. MY GULCH HOARD UN (person)

4. MOW BEAD HICK (book)

5. TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (person)

6. CHICK HE TUB BAN AN US (product)

7. THOUGH TIGHT AN HICK (thing)

8. AISLE OH VIEW (phrase)

9. TUB RAID HEAP HUNCH (TV show)

10. CARESS TROUGHER CLUMP US (person)

11. DOCKED HEARSE WHOSE (person)

12. THUMB ILL KEY WAKE OWL LICKS HE (place)

13. AGE ANT HUB BLOWS HEAVEN (fictional character)

14. THESE HOUND DOVE MOO SICK (movie)

15. BUCK SPUN HE (fictional character)

Okay, the answers are below. Don't cheat.








ANSWERS:

1. Jacques Cousteau
2. Santa Claus
3. Michael Jordan
4. Moby Dick
5. Thomas Jefferson
6. Chiquita Banana
7. The Titanic
8. I love you
9. The Brady Bunch
10. Christopher Columbus
11. Doctor Seuss
12. The Milky Way Galaxy
13. Agent 007
14. The Sound of Music
15. Bugs Bunny

(submitted by Ginger)

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In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At home you spend most of your time in a 8x10 kitchen.

In prison you get 3 meals a day.
At home you prepare three meals a day.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At home their is no time off and rarely good behavior.

In prison a guard locks, unlocks, opens and closes all the doors for you.
At home your husband stopped opening doors for you when you got married
and the kids only open a door when it's to the bathroom and you're in it.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At home you get to scrub all of the toilets

In prison expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At home you get to pay all the expenses, do all the work and dream of a
vacation in prison.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside
wanting to get out.
At home you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can watch TV in the rec. room
At home you can't find the TV because the kids wrecked the living room.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic.
At home we call them offspring.

(Submitted by Marion)

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10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) Its O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

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1. A Doctor because they get to say, "Take off your clothes"
2. A Dentist because they get to say, "Open Wide"
3. A hairdresser because they get to say, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. A Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
5. An Interior Decorator because they say, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
6. A Banker because they say, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest"
7. A Police Officer because they get to say, "Spread 'em"
8. A Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. A Butcher because he always has his hands on his meat.
10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and
always eats what he shoots.

(Submitted by Marion)

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50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

1. Microsoft Works

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Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthin'

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum,
But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, we're not, but the
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not All Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: "10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes"

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right- Wing Crazies, and
Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto 1000 Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan

Oklahoma: Like the Musical, only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!

Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die

Wyoming: Wynot?

(Submitted by MLJ)

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Things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving, but aren't . . .

Talk about a huge breast!
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
It's Cool Whip time!
If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
Whew! That's one terrific spread!
I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
Are you ready for seconds yet?
It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
Don't play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
You still have a little bit on your chin.
How long will it take after you stick it in?
You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
How long do I beat it before it's ready?

(Submitted by Reba)

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Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid rock.
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Mood Stones.
Now: Kidney Stones.

Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Storming into the principal's office.

Then: Screw the system!
Now: System upgrade.

Then: Peace Sign.
Now: Mercedes Logo.

Then: Getting your head stoned.
Now: Getting your headstone.

Then: Father Knows Best.
Now: Go ask your mother!

Then: Parents begging you to get a haircut.
Now: Children begging you to get their head shaved.

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund.

Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.

Then: VW Microbus.
Now: Voyager Minivan.

Then: Thai Stick.
Now: Thai Food.

Then: Passing the driving test.
Now: Passing the vision test.

Then: Whatever!
Now: "Depends"

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25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O J Simpson

24. THE CATHOLIC'S GUIDE TO GREAT SEX

23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres

22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT

21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA

20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

19. THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore

18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS

15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB

13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

12. EASY UNIX

11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE

10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY

7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES

6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER by Art Garfunkel

5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA

3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS

2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton

(Submitted by M.Waller)

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1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine,
good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in NY

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" So I suggested,
"How about the kitchen?"

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster,and electric bread
maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit
down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the
carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost
weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

(Submitted by KP)

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(Submitted by Floria)

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You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit, decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit and die.

You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.

People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and somedays are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit,
the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you step in shit and come out
smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't have to take shit from anyone else!

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David Letterman's Top Ten Excuses as to why a customer found a condom in his hamburger at a McDonalds restaurant:

10. We were test marketing the new "McTrojan."
9. Condom, Condiment-what's the difference ?
8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe.
7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake.
6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.
5. We're experimenting with a new even happier Happy Meal.
4. So what-a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.
3. Employees too embarrassed to say "Would you like condoms with that?"
2. Drive-thru speaker broken-"Coke with lots of ice" sounded like
"Prophylactic device."

And Finally...

1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.

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You know you've had to much coffee when:

Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You've worn the finish off you coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
Instant coffee takes too long.
You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

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Flight Announcements

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to
make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a
bit more entertaining.
Here are some examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee... "There
may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane..."

2. Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If
you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none
of them are on this flight...!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He
said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady
walking with a cane.

She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

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10 things only women understand

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow - HUH??

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN.

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10. Too Ugly to be cheerleaders

9. 25 cents for the freak show

8. See more than the balls bounce

7. Action packed lay ups for the entire game

6. Out of the kitchen onto the court then back into the kitchen

5. Three pointers, zone defense, and PMS

4. The best female entertainment since Hooters

3. Title IX at work

2. Full Court Press On Nails

1. Hot girl on girl action

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The discovery of fire is questionable."

11. "Women would have great fun playing with them."

12. "The handshake would be replaced by the breast feel."

13. "There wouldn't be a need for bras -- men's hands would provide enough support."

14. "Babies would be breastfed publicly! And men would brag to each other
about how long they nursed their children."

15. "Men might actually make eye contact with women."

16. "There would be at least one national breast appreciation day."

17. "Men would be all day in the gym trying to make them stay firm."

18. "Wet T-shirt contests would be major events just like the Super Bowl.
And the prizes would be things like bass boats, sports cars and four-wheel-drive trucks."

19. "Cup Z would be every man's dream."

20. "Considering it's very rare to see a man's penis in movies, breasts
would no doubt become as taboo."

21. "Would men check out other men's breasts?"

22. "There would be fewer car accidents, less wear and tear on men's
necks, less flies caught by gaping mouths and a whole lot less whoopla
about that part of the human body."

23. "Mammograms would involve turning our heads and coughing."

24. "Bras would be a lot more comfortable, less expensive and definitely optional!"

25. "I am a man and I think that having breasts would hurt the world. I
would never leave the computer other than to watch "SportsCenter" and play with
my new best friends. I would need nothing more. And this would make for a
very boring life."

26. "Maybe men wouldn't be so fascinated by them. This would put a serious
dent in the advertising business. Although I guess they could wear tight
clothes to sell beer."

27. "Everyone would be able to go shirtless on hot summer days."

28. "Victoria's Secret would sponsor half-time at the Super Bowl."

29. "A lot of waitresses would be out of work as scantily clad busty boys
would be serving themselves hot wings."

30. "Bras would come in packages of three (like men's underwear)."

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20. How to Land A Plane at Martha's Vineyard - by JFK, Jr.

19. How to Please Women - by John Bobbit

18. My Plan to Find The Real Killers - by O. J. Simpson

17. The Engineers' Guide to Fashion

16. To All The Men I've Loved Before - by Ellen DeGeneres

15. Human Rights Advances in China

14. Things I Would Not Do For Money - by Dennis Rodman

13. The Wild Years - by Al Gore

12. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

11. America's Most Popular Lawyers

10. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors

9. Different Ways to Spell Bob

8. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

7. Everything Men Know About Women

6. Everything Women Know About Men

5. French Hospitality

4. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

3. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

2. The Amish Phone Directory

And the Number one World's Shortest book:

The Book of Virtues by Bill Clinton

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1. You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
2. It's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
3. The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.
4. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing in your Whaler, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
5. Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago.
6. It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
7. When you see a really good Fisher person, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing in a Whaler together.
8. If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
9. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
10. When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
11. You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
12. There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
13. If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
14. Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
15. Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
16. Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

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1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

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