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A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from
the bank.
The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his
investment is doing.
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows.
The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence,
and has serviced all my neighbor's cows.".
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."
(Submitted by Jeannie)
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a
better company someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings --
They did it by killing all those who opposed them.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity...
probably has a scapegoat.
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE...
We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work!
We are union members!
2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
If at first you don't succeed - try management.
It's only unethical if you get caught.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never quit until you have another job.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
If you can read this, you're not working!
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile -
It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
Pride, commitment, teamwork -
words we use to get you to work for free.
Succeed in spite of management.
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like
their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.
(Submitted by Jack)
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw.
See's another man on the 1st floor.
He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language.
To do sign language, the man on the 3rd floor points at his eye meaning "I",
then points at his knee meaning "need",
and moves his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says,
"What the heck is wrong with you? I said I need a hand saw!"
The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."
(Submitted by Kristal)
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report I
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read the odd-numbered lines only.
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he
has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with
the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if
swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does."
(Submitted by Reba)
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in
Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame,
"Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't," she said.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he inquired.
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," the Madame replied.
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped
off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued throughout the night until finally he reached
a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," said the Madame.
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and
pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead.
"I'd like her for the night," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, gesturing to
an unattractive old woman in the corner, "
But Bertha here has seniority!"
(Submitted by Marion)
A guy goes into the Post Office to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says "Why yes, in fact I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you
have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled: during a battle an
explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it
doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage but I have some good news for you, I
can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8:00 to 4:00. Come on
in about 10:00 and we'll get you started."
The guy says "If working hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you
want me to come at 10:00?"
"Well, here at the post office we don't do anything but sit around
and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don't need you here
for that!"
(Submitted by Kristal)
A young businessman had just started his own firm.
He had rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
While sitting at his desk, he saw come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear busy, the business man picked up the phone and
started to pretend he had a big deal in the working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "can I help you"
The man replied "sure I've come to install the phone.
(Submitted by Jill)
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him,
"Why is it you limit your employees to married men?
Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, irritable or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied.
"It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around,
know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
A woman decided to send her clothing out to a laundry service.
When it came back, her panties were still stained.
The next week, she enclosed a note to the laundry owner:
"Use more soap on panties." This went on for several weeks.
Every week the woman sent the same note to the laundry.
Finally, the laundry owner responded: "Use more paper."
A young executive was leaving the office of a major corporation
late one evening when he found the CEO himself standing in front of
a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
Eager to make a good impression, the young exec introduced
himself and asked if he could be of any help.
"Why yes," said the CEO, holding up the piece of paper.
"This is a very sensitive and important document, and my
secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive,
happy for a chance to help the boss.
The young man turned the machine on, inserted the paper,
and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I'll need two copies."
A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the
constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't
resist making fun of his baldness.
One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand
across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming:
"Feels just like my wife's ass."
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging exec rubbed his hand across
his head.
"You're right," he said, "it does!"
It's an incentive to show up.
It reduces stress.
It leads to more honest communications.
It reduces complaints about low pay.
It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
It encourages carpooling.
Increase job satisfaction because, if you have a bad job, you don't care.
It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
It makes fellow employees look better.
It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
Everyone agrees work is better after they've had a couple of drinks.
Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
Submitted by Kristal
Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they go to the
unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, the first guy says, "Panty stitcher. I sew the
elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it
classed as unskilled labor, she gives him $300, a week's unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replies. Since
diesel fitter is a skilled job the clerk gives the second guy $600 a week.
When the first guy finds out he's furious. He storms back in to find out
why his friend and co-worker is collecting double his pay. The clerk explains:
"Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yells the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic on and he pulls
on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.' "
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus
walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three
astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked
humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel
in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"
"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he
felt relief for the first time in years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading
and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake.
When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see
everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up
and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."
IN PRISON...
you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell
AT WORK...
you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...
you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...
you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...
you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...
you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...
a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...
you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...
you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...
you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.
IN PRISON...
they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...
you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...
all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...
you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...
you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...
you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...
there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...
.........they are called managers.
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill.
The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he
expected to do this job since he was blind.
The blind man replied he would do it by smell.
The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.
The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"
The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."
"Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."
"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.
"Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man.
He gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in
the blind mans face.
"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?"
The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.
The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me!
But I know exactly what kind of wood that is.
It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
A trucker who has been working out on the road for three weeks
stops into a brothel outside Vegas.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished.
"But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest
ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm just homesick.
Carlos calls his boss in the morning:
"Ey, boss I can't come to work today.
I got a headache, a stomachache, and my legs hurt, too.
I'm a friggin' mess!"
The boss says: "You know Carlos, I really need you here today.
When I feel like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob.
That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great,
I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you got a real nice house!"
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I
promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and
between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am
still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is Golf.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef, I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
