Think About It

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

"In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday"

"Religion has done sex a great service by making it a sin."

"A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way."

Why is it that only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

If two voyeurs work together, are they "peers"?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

Is it possible to have a civil war?

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?

Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUp?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?

Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?

If a case of the clap spreads is it called applause?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

Why do 'tug' boats 'push' their barges?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

How does skating on thin ice get you into hot water?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If a word were misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Where do swear words come from?

Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why do they have signs at Burger King that say, "Picture menus available for those who need them"? If you can't read, how can you ask for a picture menu?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?

If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk?

The light went out, but where to?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are their locks on the doors

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said,
"The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

1. Virginity like bubble - one prick, all gone.

2. Man who run in front of car get tired.

3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.

8. Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for his money.

10. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

11. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

12. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

13. Wife who puts husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

15. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

16. Man who drive like Hell bound to get there.

17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

18. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

19. Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

20. Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

21. Crowded elevator smells different to midget.