animations by pigworks
animations by pigworks
Santa's New Contract
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated...
Please read the following carefully ...
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of
Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisonsin and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will
be in good hands with your local replacement that happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These
toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a
RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.
3. Bubba Claus, sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear On Comet, On Cupid, On Donner and Blitzen ... when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin
and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.
5. Ho, Ho, Ho! Has been replaced by Yee Haw! And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves respond, I Her'd dat!
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus, sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words Back Off. The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the
other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
Coming to Town"... This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all
the AM radio stations in the south. Those song titles will be Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox", Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want
for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack" and Hank Williams, Jr.'s "If
You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
SantaClaus
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
Thanks!
Santa's Little Angel
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa
was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were
problems everywhere...
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did
not produce the toys fast enough so Santa began to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Later that day, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was
coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that
three of them were about to give birth and two had
jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
When he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards
cracked causing the toy bag to fall to the ground and
scatter all the toys.
So, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of
apple cider with a shot of rum. When he went to the
cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped
the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of pieces
all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten
all the straw from it. Just then the doorbell rang,
and irritable Santa trudged to thedoor. He opened the
door, and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas,
Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful
tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of
the Christmas tree!
The Night Before Sexmas
Twas the night before Sexmas, and God it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my hard on and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile."
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A Cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit.
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch, Saying,
"Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
A Cyber Christmas
T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,
The computers were whirring; they never do stop.
The power was on and the temperature right,
In hopes that the input would feed back that night.
The system was ready, the program was coded,
And memory drums had been carefully loaded;
While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene,
The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
The programmer ran to see what was the matter.
Away to the hallway he flew like a flash,
Forgetting his key in his curious dash.
He stood in the hallway and looked all about,
When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.
Then, in the computer room what should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer;
And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause,
Chuckled: "My name is Santa...the last name is Claus."
The computer was startled, confused by the name,
Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim:
"This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen."
With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew;
It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew.
It searched in its memory core, trying to "think";
Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.
Unable to do its electronic job,
It said in a voice that was almost a sob:
"Your eyes - how they twinkle - your dimples so merry,
Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,
Your smile - all these things, I've been programmed to know,
And at data-recall, I am more than so-so;
But your name and your address (computers can't lie),
Are things that I just cannot identify.
You've a jolly old face and a little round belly,
That shakes when you laugh like a bowlful of jelly;
My scanners can see you, but still I insist,
Since you're not in my program, you cannot exist!"
Old Santa just chuckled a merry "ho, ho",
And sat down to type out a quick word or so.
The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean,
As Santa fed this "data" to the machine:
"Kids everywhere know me; I come every year;
The presents I bring add to everyone's cheer;
But you won't get anything - that's plain to see;
Too bad your programmers forgot about me."
Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug,
"Merry Christmas to All," as he pulled out its plug
The Office Party
John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with
a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to
recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs,
where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise,"
he moaned, "tell me what happened last night.
Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn.
"You made a complete ass of yourself.
You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors,
and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an idiot," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did", came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did came the reply. You're back at work on Monday."
Christmas Quickies
Q. What do the women reindeer do while the men reindeer are off and working?
A. They go to town. and blow a few bucks! (Submitted by daisy)
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snowblower coming.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Santa's Pissed
'Twas the
Night before Christmas, And Santa's PissedTwas the night before Christmas
old Santa was pissed,
He cussd out the elves
and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats,
Ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind,
To scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass
for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..
The old lady bitches
cause I work late at night
the elves want more money
And the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk
and goosed all the maids.
Donner is Pregnant
Vixon has AIDS
And just when I thought
That things would get better,
The IRS,
They sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes,
If that aint damn funny..
Who the hell ever
Sent Santa any money?
And the kids these days,
They all are the pits.
They want the impossible,
Those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year
Making wagons and sleds
with no request for them
They want computers and Robots,
They think I am IBM
If you think that is bad
Picture this..
Try holding those brats
with their pants full of piss.
They pull on my nose,
They grab at my beard
And if I don't smile,
The parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air,
Dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys
And skinning my knees.
I quit this job,
There is just no enjoyment
I'm going to sit on my fat ass
And collect unemployment
There is NO Christmas this year
Now you know the reason
I found me a blonde
and heading SOUTH for the season....
Angel on Top
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
The 4 Stages of Life
Stage 1. You believe in Santa Claus.
Stage 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
Stage 3. You are Santa Claus.
Stage 4. You look like Santa Claus.
