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I do play the french horn and I love it but here are some jokes anyway that I thought were rather funny:
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignments and leaks.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can't march.
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Q: Why is the french horn a divine instrument?
A: Because man blows into it, but God only know what comes out of it.
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Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
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Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.
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Q: How do french horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I played that last year." or "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
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Q: What is the difference between a squirrel and a french horn player in the back of a taxi?
A: The squirrel is probably going to a gig.
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Q: What is a difference between a conductor and a horn player?
A: TWO MEASURES !
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Q: How do you make a trumpet sound beautiful?
A: Sell it and buy a French Horn
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Q: How do you get two Horn Players to tune?
A: Shoot one of them.
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Q: How do you get the Horn section to sound like the flute section?
A: Have them miss every other note.
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Q: What do you call a french horn player with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
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Four cowboys are sitting on a moutain one night having a few cold ones
around a campfire, one a tuba player, one a trumpet player, one a conductor
and the other a horn player. The tuba player tosses an empty can
of Budweiser into the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it declaring "I
just killed the king of beers!". The trumpet player, not wanting to be
outdone, tosses his empty can of Coors into the air, shoots it and declares
"Ha! I just shot the silver bullet!". The horn player, ever so
suave, reaches into his pack, pulls out a bottle of Michelob, calmly drinks
the whole thing, tosses his bottle into the air and shoots the
conductor. Grinning broadly at his fellow players he says "Guys, it just
doesn't get any better than this."
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A Hornplayer is fishing. Suddenly he catches a Fish!
But the fish says to the hornplayer: If you let me go,
I will tell you two important things about your future,
I have good news and I have bad news for you.
'That's a deal', the horn-player says.
Well, the good news is, when you are going to die,
you will play 2nd horn in heaven, next to Buyanovski!
Woooooow!! the hornplayer screams, that's great!
Yeah, the fish says, but the bad news is that you will
have to start tomorrow!
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How many times does a horn player laugh at a joke?
-Once, when he/she hears it.
How many times does a flute player laugh at a joke?
-Twice, once when she/he
hears it and again when he/she gets it.
How many times does a violinist laugh at a joke?
-Three times, once when he/she
hears it, once when it's explained to him/her, and once when he/she gets it.
How many times does a percussionist laugh at a joke?
-He doesn't - he starts a
fight because he thinks everyone is laughing at him.
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What each section in the band does:
Conductor:
leaps tall buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a locomotive
is faster than a speeding bullet
walks on water gives policy to god
Percussionist:
falls over the doorstep when trying to enter buildings
says "look at the choo-choo"
wets himself with a water pistol
plays in mud puddles
loses arguments with himself
Saxaphone player:
runs into buildings
recognizes locomotives 2 times out of 3
is not issued any ammunition
can stay afloat with a life jacket
talks to walls, argues with himself
Clarinet player:
Too afraid too jump building because of their reed
Works in locomotives
too busy with reed for gun
throws reed into water
thinks reed is god
Trombone player:
leaps short buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a switch engine
is just as fast as a speeding bullet
walks on water if sea is calm
talks with god
Flutist:
barely clears a quonset hut
loses tug-of-war with locomotive
can fire a speeding bullet
swims well
is occasionally addressed by god
Oboist:
leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
is almost as powerful as a switch engine
is almost as fast as a speeding bullet
walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
talks to god if special request is approved
Bassoonist:
makes marks on the wall when trying to clear short buildings
is run over by a locomotive
can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
dog-paddles
talks to animals
Trumpet player:
argues with building when it won't get out of the way
sleeps in locomotive
claims it's too easy to catch bullets in teeth explaining why he really can't
saves water to drink after every triple C
thinks he's god.
French Horn player:
lifts buildings and walks under them
kicks locomotives off the tracks
catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them
freezes water with a single glance
is god
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Signs You've Been in Band Too Long!!
1. When you hear music and you start marking time.
2. When you walk behind someone and you're in step with them.
3. When you try to guess the tempo of your favorite song.
4. When all your friends are in the band.
5. When you don't mind changing clothes on the bus.
6. When you point out key changes and dynamics while listening to the
radio.
7. When every guy/girl you're interested in is in the band.
8. When you like wearing your uniform.
9. When people ask you about your social life and you say, "Oh, you
mean my flute/trumpet/drum/etc.?"
10. When you consider your drill book a fashion accessory.
11. When you've had a "trombone-ectomy"
12. When you practice your instrument more than you talk to your dog.
13. When being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life.
14. When people worry when they see you without you instrument.
15. When "armed guard," means a girl with a pole instead of a guy with
a gun.
16. When band camp is FUN
17. When you respond to "band fag"
18. When someone says the word "box" and you automatically put your head
up.
19. When you remember flats and sharps more easily than your name.
20. When you dress the lunch line, and urge others to do the same.
21. When you're alone and you suffocate because there's no one telling
you to Breathe.
22. When slides feel normal.
23. When your instrument has a name.
24. When you remember your instrument's birthday and forget your
mom's.
25. When making a line is you biggest accomplishment of the day.
26. When back marching no longer reminds you of ballet.
27. When you give your instrument a birthday party.
28. When you can make brown shoes look white.
29. When your uniform fits.
30.. When black feathers become a fashion "do".
31. When you see your section more than you see your family.
32. When everyone wants to kill the other football team...and you want
To kill the other band.
33. When you have dreams about selling Woody's Wings.
34. When you think evening practices should last a half-hour longer.
35. When you accidentally call your band director "Dad".
36. When you CAN sight-read.
37. When you can put on you uniform in less than 10 minutes.
38. When reeds taste good.
39. When Woody's Wings are part of you daily diet.
40. When you think your plume is alive.
41. When marking time is your favorite form of exercise.
42. When you have a neck strap/harness tan line.
43. When you subconsciously start practicing with a pencil.
44. When numbers past 8 aren't important.
45. When you're more opinionated about the Madison Scouts/Phantom
Regiment Rivalry than the O.J. trial.
46. When you roll-step through the cafeteria so you don't spill your
lunch.
47. When you'd rather practice than read this list.
48. When letters past G aren't important.
49. When you get the jokes on this list.
50. When this list reaches 50.
If you have any to add please email me. :)
