THE FOLLOWING
ARE ALL QUOTES
FROM
11 YEAR OLD'S SCIENCE
EXAMS:
1. "Water is composed of two gins,
Oxygin and
Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin
is gin
and water."
2. "When you breathe, you
inspire.
When
you
do not breathe, you expire."
3. "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold
water."
4. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold
down a
deacon over a flame in a test
tube"
5. "When you smell an odourless gas, it
is
probably carbon monoxide"
6. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland
because
it
is not found in a free state"
7. "Three kinds of blood vessels are
arteries,
vanes, and caterpillars."
8. "Blood flows down one leg and up the
other."
9. "Respiration is composed of two acts,
first
inspiration, and then
expectoration."
10. "The moon is a planet just like the
earth,
only it is even deader"
11. "Artificial insemination is when the
farmer
does it to the cow instead of the
bull."
12. "Dew is formed on leaves when the
sun
shines
down on them and makes them
perspire."
13. "A super-saturated solution is one
that
holds
more than it can hold."
14."Mushrooms always grow in damp places
and
so
they look like umbrellas."
15. "The body consists of three parts -
the
brainium, the borax and the abominable
cavity. The brainium
contains the brain, the borax contains
the
heart and lungs, and the abominable
cavity contains the bowels, of which
there
are five - a, e, i, o and u."
16."Momentum: What you give a person
when
they
are going away."
17."Planet: A body of earth surrounded
by
sky."
18."Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone
bloodshot."
19. "Vacuum: A large, empty space where
the
pope lives."
20. "Before giving a blood transfusion,
find
out
if the blood is affirmative or
negative."
21. "To remove dust from the eye, pull
the
eye
down over the nose."
22. "For a nosebleed: put the nose much
lower
than the body until the heart
stops."
23. "For drowning: climb on top of the
person
and move up and down to make Artificial
Perspiration."
24. "For Fainting: Rub the person's
chest or,
if a lady, rub her arm above the hand
instead. Or put the head between the
knees of
the nearest medical doctor."
25. "For dog bite: put the dog away for
several
days. If he has not recovered, then
kill it."
26. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial
respiration until the patient is
dead."
27. "To prevent contraception: wear a
condominium."
28. "For head cold: use an agonizer to
spray
the nose until it drops in your
throat."
29. "To keep milk from turning sour:
keep it
in the cow."
30. "The pistol of a flower is its only
protection against insects."
31. "The alimentary canal is located in
the
northern part of Indiana."
32. "The skeleton is what is left after
the
insides have been taken out and the
outsides have been taken off. The
purpose of
the skeleton is something to
hitch meat to."
33. "A permanent set of teeth consists
of
eight canines, eight cuspids, two
molars,and
eight cuspidors."
34. "The tides are a fight between the
Earth
and
Moon. All water tends towards
the moon, because there is no water in
the
moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I
forget
where the sun joins in this
fight."
35. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The
older
it
is, the more extinct it is."
36. "Equator: A managerie lion running
around
the
Earth through Africa."
37. "Germinate: To become a naturalized
German."
38. "Liter: A nest of young
puppies."
39. "Magnet: Something you find crawling
all
over
a dead cat."
Sixth Grade History
test
Responses
1.Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies
and
they all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The
climate
of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.
2.The Bible is full of interesting
caricatures. It the first book of the
Bible,
Guinness's, Adam and Eve were created
from an
apple tree. One of their children, Cain,
asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3.Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red
Sea,
where they made unleavened bread, which
is
bread made without ingredients. Moses
went up
on Mount Cyanide to get the 10
commandments.
He died before he ever reached
Canada.
4.Solomon had three hundred wives and
seven
hundred porcupines.
5.The Greeks were a highly sculptured
people,
and without them we would not have
history.
The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
female
moth.
6.Actually, Homer was not written by
Homer
but by another man of that name.
7.Socrates was a famous Greek teacher
who
went around giving people advice. They
killed
him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock. After
his death, his career suffered a
dramatic
decline.
8.In the Olympic games, Greeks ran
races,
jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the
java.
9.Eventually, the Romans conquered the
Greeks. History calls these people
Romans because they never stayed in one
place
for very long.
10.Julius Caesar extinguished himself on
the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March
murdered him because they thought he was
going to be made king. Dying, he gasped
out,
"Tee hee, Brutus."
11.Nero was a cruel tyranny who would
torture
his subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.
12.Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and
was
canonized by Bernard Shaw.
13.Finally Magna Carta provided that no
man
should be hanged twice for the same
offense.
14.In medieval times most people were
alliterate. The greatest writer of the
futile
ages was Chacer, who wrote many poems
and
verses and also wrote
literature.
15.Another story was William Tell, who
shot
an arrow through an apple while standing
on
his son's head.
16.Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin
Queen." As
a queen she was a success. When she
exposed
herself before her troops they all
shouted"hurrah".
17.It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable
type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir
Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
because
he invented cigarettes and started
smoking.
And Sir Francis Drake circumcised
the world with a 100-foot
clipper.
18.The greatest writer of the
Renaissance was
William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money
and is famous only because of his plays.
He
wrote tragedies,comedies and
hysterectomies,
all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and
Juliet
are an example
of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was
to
be laid by Juliet.
19.Writing at the same time as
Shakespeare
was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was
John
Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.
20.During the Renaissance America began.
Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while
cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
were
called the Nina, the Pinta, and the
Santa
Fe.
21.Later, the Pilgrims crossed the
ocean, and
this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The
winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many died &
many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was
responsible for all this.
22.One of the causes of the
Revolutionary War
was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would
send
their parcels through the post without
stamps. Finally the colonists won the
War and
no longer had to pay
for taxis.
23.Delegates from the original 13 states
formed the Contented Congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin
Franklin
were two signers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin
discovered electricity by rubbing 2
cats backwards and declared, "A horse
divided
against itself cannot stand.
"Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.
24.Soon the Constitution of the United
States
was adopted to secure domestic
hostility.
Under the Constitution the people
enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.
25.Abraham Lincoln became America's
greatest
Precedent. Lincoln's mom died
in infancy, and he was born in a log
cabin
which he built with him own hands.
Abraham
Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation. On the night
of
April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theater
and got shot in his seat by one of the
actors
in a moving picture show. They believed
the
assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined
Booth's
career.
26.Meanwhile in Europe, the
enlightenment was
a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and also wrote a
book
called Candy. Gravity was invented by
Isaac
Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the
autumn when the
apples are falling off the
trees.
27.Johann Bach wrote a great many
musical
compositions and had a large number of
children. In between he practiced on an
old
spinster which he kept up in his attic.
Bach
died from 1750 to the present. Bach was
the
most
famous composer in the world and so was
Handel. Handel was half German half
Italian and half English. He was a very
large.
28.Beethoven wrote music even though he
was
deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the
forest
even when everyone was calling
for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and
later
died for this.
29.The French Revolution was
accomplished
before it happened and catapulted into
Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to
inherit
his power, but
since Josephine was a baroness, she
couldn't
have any children.
30.The sun never set on the British
Empire
because the British Empire is in the
East and
the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria
was
the longest queen. She sat on a thorn
for 63
years. She was a moral woman who
practiced
virtue. Her death was the final event
which
ended her reign.
31.The nineteenth century was a time of
a
great many thoughts and inventions.
People
stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by
machine. The invention of the steamboat
caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick
raper,
which did the work
of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur
discovered a
cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
naturalist who wrote the Organ of the
Species. Madman Curie discovered radio.
And
Karl Marx became one of the Marx
brothers.
