by Jeremy Rothman

? takes very little skepticism to find major problems with the film
?? A skeptic novice could crack this one pretty quickly
??? A seasoned skeptic will find only a few faults with this film
???? Not even the king skeptic, myself, can find many problems with this superior brand of cinema.

Dude, this movie, like, sucks.

?

What is the Matrix? A really bad movie.

The previews for The Matrix tell you little about the movie, other than it has cool special effects. That's because there isn't much to tell other than really cool special effects. By disguising the plot of the film, they are merely hiding the fact this there is no plot. The extremely cool special effects and outstanding fight scenes are worth some of the hype. But you are forced to pay for it.

No, not only do you shell out your $7.50 at the ticket office, but you are also expected to sit through almost two-and-a-half hours of bad acting, cliched dialogue and a really stupid plot (probably conjured up by some computer geeks at 3 a.m. after their internet connection went down).

The opening fight scene is so incredible, it leaves you begging for more. It is then over an hour before another scene like it appears in the movie. In that hour, the film proceeds to rip off almost every science-fiction movie ever made. From Star Trek to Tron -- one by one.

The Matrix is another futuristic film where technology and artificial intelligence are abundant and commonplace, yet no one can figure out how to use a washing machine. Whatever happened to all the monkeys we train in the future to wash our clothes?

As the new millennium approaches, I find myself growing more fearful that in just a few years we will all be wearing black trench coats down the the floor and big black boots with lots of buckles (don't they have shoelaces in the future?). But at least we'll all have an awesome pair of black sunglasses.

Going in, you have to understand that Keanu Reeves is the worst actor in Tinseltown, if not the worst actor in the entire computer-generated universe. But damn, does his hair look good in this movie!

This movie annoyed me so much at times that I wanted to scream outloud. For example, just as the two main characters are about to escape from mortal danger (and hence ending the movie) they feel it necessary to pause, and reflect upon their feelings for one another. What?!?! Get the hell out of there, go home, take a shower, get a monkey to do your laundry and then have your International Coffee moment.

Edit this movie down to an hour and ten minutes and I'd watch it again just for the action scenes. But give the attempts at "high-minded" action movies a rest.

Woah, what a piece of crap, dude!

(c) Copyright 1999, Jeremy Rothman

jr010e@uhura.cc.rochester.edu Check out my web site! http://uhura.cc.rochester.edu/~jr010e