If this is The Next Best Thing, I'd hate to see The Best Thing.

Madonna's latest attempt at movie success produces yet another failure. This time she pairs herself with real-life gay pal Rupert Everett, who plays, conveniently enough, her gay pal. Madonna, for her part, is supposed to be playing a yoga instructor, but lets face it -- Madonna can only play Madonna.

After a wild July 4th night of drinking, she and Everett somehow wind-up sleeping with each other. A short time later, she announces she's pregnant. Before you know it, they're raising the kid together, under the same roof.

But nature's desires soon disrupt the happy clan -- you can't stay celibate forever. Madonna soon finds an actual heterosexual to fill the role of father and the film's supposedly "comedic" tone gives way to what could be described as a very 21st century twist on Kramer vs. Kramer.

The movie's faults could be pinned on any number of things -- the flat script, the uninspired direction or the offensive gay stereotypes. But blame those things and you'd be missing the real source of the trouble: Miss Material Girl herself. Madonna's "character" is unlikable from the get-go. She exudes a self-centered quality that's truly unappealing. She demands that we love her. Unfortunately, with her stiff acting, lack of comedic timing and unapproachable air -- there's just not a lot to love.

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